The Veterans Administration Failed Me

The VA Examiner failed me.

Jerk

Jackass

Unprofessional

Unqualified

Jerk

This VA doctor had his mind made up before I even walked into his office. He was 15 minutes late taking me into his office. That was my first clue.

I have never told anyone as much as I told him. About my life, about the horrendous sexual abuse & harassment when I served in the USAF as well as how it has affected me since then.

He barely allowed me to talk. Stopping me in mid sentence, repeatedly, not allowing me to finish !!!!

It wasn't my idea to pursue this. I had helped other female Vets who had experienced similar to what I had. I helped them pursue their case, get the appointment, saw their cases get approved. Saw the peace that came over them once they were heard, validated with compensation. It's more about being heard, being approved, being validated, that, YES, this did happen. That validation didn't happen for me.

I didn't want to pick at the wound, I didn't want to re-open the scabs & scars that I had buried. However, I wanted the peace that I saw that came over the others who I had helped. It didn't happen, sadly, painfully, it didn't happen for me.

The events of that time in my life have affected me so deeply that it influences every job I have ever attempted to keep. When I'm going through the stress of adjustment to a new employment situation, the stress causes the nightmares of the rapes, the harassment. It hampers learning a new skill. It makes it impossible to keep a job. No one wants to be around a girl who is nervous, sweating, having difficulty concentrating.

I'm jumpy. Startled easily. Always on my guard around males. It's difficult to impossible for me to trust males. If I let my guard down, the feeling that they are about to beat me up or rape me or worse. People tell me that I should get a room mate since I live in a house big enough for 4 people. It's tough.

Sharing my living space with another person takes adjustment, huge adjustment for me. When the person moves in, the nightmares start. The sweating, screaming, waking up shaking and crying nightmares. No one wants to hear that. The roomie will blame himself, usually, can't stick through the adjustment period with me. I don't blame them or anyone.

This residual fear from the USAF harassment is very socially isolating. No one likes to think that they are dating a girl who was so horribly abused. No one likes to be around anxiety.
I stay single and alone, mostly, dealing with it on my own.

This VA Examiner could have helped with the extreme anxiety, yet, he totally failed me. He could have acknowledged that the trauma was real, that I had done nothing to bring this upon myself. he could have substantiated & approved my claim.
He failed on all accounts. He held my life in his hands. He failed yet another Veteran of the United States Military.

Since then, it was very rare for me to trust males. Still is. The ones who I have trusted? Let me down, every time. Hurting me, lying to me, until I decided that I would be on the other side of that. I would be the one that cared less about them, if anyone was going to be hurt, it would be them. Safer for me
I don't even care. It feels good to be the one who walks away as easily as spitting a wad of gum into the trash. 
Mr. 2012 taught me this lesson. Thank you!
Easier for me, this way, no more emotional pain.
5 unfortunate guys & counting. Thank you Mr. 2012 !

When I was experiencing the harassment, I told other people who were in the 15th Security Police Squadron. They told me I was lying. None of them believed me. Not even my own supervisor who was friends with one of the assailants. According to my supervisor, I was lying because he knew the guy, the guy would never do the things I had said he had done.

I felt the shame of what he had done, I knew I wasn't to be blamed, yet, I felt guilty. Guilty for being a victim.

This VA Examiner only compounded the trauma. He didn't believe me, either. Now, I deal with fresh shame, fresh guilt, the onslaught of the nightmares, again.

This is yet another case of the Veterans Administration failure.

It's more personal.

I'm yet another statistic of VA failure.

The Veterans Administration failed me.