Where are you headed?

As the old song goes:

Do you know, where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to, do you know?
Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door.
What are you hoping for, do you know?

Once, we were standing still in time.
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds.
And you knew how I loved you but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me.......
*************************************************
And, so on.

There was a time when I knew exactly where I was headed, yet, I don't know, anymore.

At times, I believe my life will end in suicide.

DON'T LECTURE ME ABOUT IT, PLEASE!

People who end their lives would rather live, yet, the deep pain is what they wish to put an end to. Often, they see only one way to end their pain, that is through suicide.

I have done "things" that could possibly have resulted in death, I didn't care if I died. Mixing alcohol & sleeping meds, hoping I would go to sleep, then, not wake up the next morning. I have jumped out of aircraft, wondering if I would die if I didn't pull the chute cord. The odds are, I would end up crippled, instead.
Am sure 3 of my 4 kiddos wouldn't really care if I died, today. 

My youngest daughter cares & shows it daily, with her actions. 
The other 3, not so much. This, alone is a source of pain for me.

Suffering from PTSD as a result of MST, the Veterans Administration has been ignoring my pleas for help for almost 5 dam years! It's so frustrating! 
The anxiety, the nightmares, the depression, the suicidal thinking, then, add in, the V.A. doesn't care about me, either.

So, yeah, I think about ways to end my life.

It takes concentrated effort to focus on being positive, staying motivated in my fitness goals.
I still try.

I feel so ugly. So unloved. So unlovable.

So, I really don't know where I'm headed. 
Not a foggy clue, yet, I keep moving forward in time, letting go of the past. Living in the present moment. Letting the future take care of itself.
Getting up in the morning, another workout. Another millimeter closer to my fitness goals. 

Yes, I get asked out a lot by guys, yet, not by the ones I would want to spend time with, in a romantic manner.
Unfortunately, there is only a certain type of guy who attracts me.
It has nothing at all to do with his height, his money, what he's packing (yeah, you know what I mean!) or what material possessions he has.
It's about the guy, himself. Who he is. His self confidence, intelligence, honesty, truthfulness, sense of humor, chivalry. So much more.
I won't waste his time or mine if he's not for me. Chemistry is crucial to this. It's usually an alpha male type in his mid  20s & up that "does it" for me.

When it comes to attraction, no one can cry racism, people can be attracted to certain races & attributes, it's a deeply personal preference & choice. I prefer white guys. I have dated other races, they did NOTHING for me.

I'm a non-tobacco user, so, tobacco users are a deal breaker for 
me. Same goes for illegal drugs, excessive alcohol.  Has to be a single (Never married or 100% legally divorced, widowed, with no girlfriend or baby mama drama). 

White guy, preferably someone who is very clean cut such as a 

military haircut. If he works out & lifts, that's a BIG PLUS.

Am not a fan of tatts and/or piercings, 1 or 2 are okay, I prefer without, yet, that's rare, today.
Just as rare as a guy who attracts me.

I digress.

Am not sure where I'm headed. 
I have possibilities on the horizon. 

It just takes so  dam  long.

All that is for certain is that I am ALWAYS up for a new adventure. If a chance to go somewhere or meet someone, I will take a calculated risk.

I have moved 6 times since 2012 because I saw such opportunity for making life easier or sweeter for me.
Most recent?
TODAY!
I have been moving since March 1, today, I finished! I tried to get done as quick as I could this morning before my soon to be ex landlady beyotch was up.
She is the worst I have ever rented from.

Yesterday, she started her BS with me, UGH!
She came out of her house muttering & looking at me. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so, with a smile, I asked her:

"Do you have something you want to tell me?"

Her reply, true to her sour personality:

"You're not worth it, whore!"

Smart azz that I am, I was ready & fired back at her:

"Whores are professionals like you, I'm just an amateur!"

I drove off! I take my fun wherever I can find it. :)