When I was Queen B

Tonight, I began watching the belated Christmas gift, sent to me by my youngest daughter. Home movies from an earlier time, converted to a zip file.


Their privacy is important to me, so, I try to keep mention of them to a minimum. I have 4 children who are no longer children. All 4 are successful, out there, rocking the world & not to sleep! They are a custom jewelry maker/ designer, active duty USAF, a USAF jet engine mechanic, the youngest is a smart as a whip Engineer, hired immediately after college graduation with no student loan debt!!!

I love this, their successes in life. Having raised them all over the world, so, it is understandable that they are so spread out.

In truth?

I have to daily quell the ache in my heart for them. I will be that mother who refrains from hovering. I will be that mother whom, as difficult as it is, mostly, let's them come to me. This way, I know they want some of my time VS the momzillas & dadzillas who demand their adult offspring's time. Parents who guilt their children into keeping in touch.

Tonight, as I was watching these precious home movies of when my babies were still children. So sweet, so beautiful, so happy, so smart, just delightful!
I chose these adjectives as it's the way many people, even people who didn't know me or them, described my 4 little weaknesses.

I loaded the movies onto a flash drive so as to take up less space in my laptop's hard drive, while still keeping them with me.

So drawn in, was I, when I felt a strange sensation. After the first home video had finished while the second one began, my T-shirt was soaked around the front of the neckline. I had been crying, not noticing, so enraptured was I. Tears were trickling down my cheeks. Watching myself interacting with my children, beginning when my first born was a tender 3 months of age.
My youngest daughter was still crawling, learning to walk upright.

She has learned to crawl, walk, even run since then. Such a smart Engineer. She figures out more than that, now.

My son was playing with legos as his sister was thwarting his efforts. They were only 18 months apart.

For all that my children have told me I did wrong by them, children of these innocent ages are without guile. They can't fake being happy, as happy as they were as we played, danced, made cookies, ate our Thanksgiving dinners. Their squeals of delight as they played, opened Christmas gifts, performed in a school play.

Crying the tears from that dull ache for my children.

Seeing myself as I laid on the sofa, watching them. Raising 4 children aged 1 yr - 9 yrs is tiring business.
Seeing myself  holding them on my lap, playing with them, tickling them, feeding them. We were using cookie cutters. Making heart shaped shortbread cookies for our tea & cookies which we often had after church on Sundays.
We would get home from church when it was too late for lunch, yet, too early for dinner.
Tea with mother & child made, shortbread cookies! YUM!

In some of them, I was walking around the grounds of Schloss Heidelberg, taking a break "me time", in Heidelberg, Germany.

My passion for needlework has been a constant in my life, so, often, I was sitting on a sofa sewing a fine seam. Also watching my 4 kiddos at play. They were charming, even mesmerizing!

I was the queen, in a benevolent way.

Those times feel like they were just yesterday.

As unhealthy as it is to muck about in past events, it's fine to indulge just a wee bit. Always in moderation.

Having a reasonably good life, now, I will tuck the essence of how I felt when I was a mother, close to my heart. An earlier time when I could talk to, play with, hug & kiss their sweet faces, whenever I wanted to. 

I still want to.