There are so many people out there in the world. Walking around with an emptiness inside. The world tells people that in order to be accepted by the world, people have to be in couples. Cue in the song:
You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You
A perfect recipe for rampant codependency.
REALLY? REALLY NOW?
The sentiment of the song is well intentioned, I'm sure. However, it sends a dangerous message. The idea that there are thousands of nobody's out there in the world who are nobody's, predicated upon their marital status or their relationship status.
Single
Widowed
Divorced
Married
Separated
Widower
If you think these are romantic terms, umm, nope. These classifications were established by the government for taxation purposes. It makes me laugh, inside my head, when someone tells me they are "Separated".
Most often, it means that their spouse is at home with the children whilst they are out, away from their home, acting as if they were "Single", as in never married.
Male or female, it can be either.
A person saying they are "Separated", though only geographically, while implying it is a legal separation are practicing deep deceit. They should be ashamed, while mostly, they enjoy the feeling of getting away with something.
Then, there are those people who are shacked up or hooked up in some fashion who claim they are not "Single". Simply put, because they are doing whatever it is they do with whomever it is that they are doing it with. Until they do the blood test, get the marriage license, wear the fancy clothes, vow in front of witnesses to love, honor & cherish, eat the cake at the party? They are still single.
This endows the state of being married, because a certified person performed the ceremony to marry the two people. Married.
Most people seem to be happier with a companion, a mate, if you will, to share their life with. The world gives them more social approval because someone wanted them as a GF, BF or spouse.
The deep sadness & terror of the soul when that union is torn apart in whatever fashion for whatever reason, is gut wrenching. It causes pain & sadness to all whom it touches.
Bear with me.
One or both of those 2 people attached their hope for the future, their dreams of what they could accomplish in life, to the other person. It's a painful laceration of the psyche which takes years to recover from when the relationship ends. Some people never recover. Some people plunge, head on, into another relationship or marriage before they have recovered.
To many people, it's easier to quash the empty feeling with another relationship than it is to do the work of healing.
Having gone through it, I had to make a colossal effort to recover. I wanted the divorce, I paid for it financially, yes, he refused to pay the $$$, so I paid, as well as many other ways. I divorced to seek happiness in my life, so it goes.
An important lesson I learned was to never attach my happiness to another person, ever again. Equally important, I learned to attach my happiness to goals that I set for myself.
Be they large, small or somewhere in between, the satisfaction derived from accomplishing a goal is much more rewarding.
I'm in control. Whether I reach my goal is all up to me.
Something else?
The satisfaction, the delicious happiness is all mine.
If the goal is not reached, that is also mine & mine alone.
When the dust of the divorce settled, many people really expected, some even hoped, I would find someone, get married again.
For a time, I really thought that would happen, too. Making the mistake of attachment, disappointment, painful severing, repeat, repeat, repeat.
One facet of my personality is that if I desire someone or something, usually it appeals to me for a finite amount of time. Then?
When it's clear that it's not going to happen, I lose interest, move on. Some objects are ones I pursue longer, some shorter.
The process I went through, allowing myself to adjust to being alone, was deeply painful. After so many disappointments, the realization was that I was doing it to myself.
Shifting focus to gathering lucre, creative pursuits, traveling. Also volunteering, it was so much more fulfilling, ultimately more rewarding than attaching to so many cheeky feckers.
In present day, my attachments are around goals that I set for myself. Very scant room for emotional pain, a very wide field for gratification (delayed, of course) as a precursor to bliss.
Having witnessed the pain of so many people who are single, wish they were coupled up, I have tried to explain it to them.
Nope
They have to fight the urge to merge, on their own. When a person desperately clings to the idea that it will take another person to bring them back to a happy balance, they will be disappointed. Over and over again until they either get their aha moment or are so beaten down they settle for less than they need just to have someone.
Single people in a couples world also have to have courage to swim against the current of a world designed around couples, often couples with 1 or more children.
Do I still love men?
Absolutely.
Do I ever want one?
Sometimes, yet, it's nice to have my home exactly as I like it.
Attaching my happiness to a dream goal which I'm working toward is more healthy, will give me the ultimate fulfillment.
Stay tuned!
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