Heavy on my Heart

This has been laying heavy on my heart for awhile, now. 

It's something that many people experience. I have company in this. Honestly? I would wish to have less company in this matter.

It's pain filled, unfair, guaranteed to cause regret in later years for the perpetrators of this crime of the heart.

Being a mother is something I absolutely loved. From the moment I felt the "shift" in hormones in my body, then, knowing what it meant. The first time was very scary. 
In my naivete I knew how the baby got in there, I had no clue how it was going to get out! I had been married for 1.5 years when my first baby was born. 
My husband, at the time, was angry with me for "getting myself pregnant". When I told him I was expecting our first child, he went to stay at his parents home for 3 days. He only "came around" when his mother told him that he had to treat me well so that the baby would love him when it was born.
Something was in it for him, so, only then, did he man up!

Sex was not discussed in my original family. Not by my mother except when she said, "If it feels good do it!"
My father definitely didn't discuss sex or reproduction at all.

My mother was quite cruel, a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, selfish, manic depressive, abusive at times. My father was a raging alcoholic for most of my childhood. He was verbally abusive as well as violently physically & emotionally abusive.

I decided that my children would have a better childhood. I would be a better mother than mine had been. My parents were not very good examples, so, I saw them as horrible warnings of how NOT to be good parents.
I didn't have much knowledge to use, so, I did my very best, teaching them life skills that would help them when they moved out into the world on their own.

Was I the perfect parent?
No, yet, I sure did try as hard as I could.

Were my children sweet little angels?
No, they were not, yet, to hear them tell of their childhoods, they were innocent little angels and I was a wicked witch of a mother.

This is sometimes what happens when one parent has to be the disciplinarian, to BE the parent, while the other parent doesn't want to grow up, wants to be a "friend " to the children.

In spite of the ex-huzz acting like one of the children, I taught my children that whatever their father was, they were to show respect for him.
Unfortunately, the ex-huzz taught my children that I was of little value, that they didn't have to listen to their mother or show respect. He often said,
"Your mother doesn't know anything."
"Your mom doesn't know what she's talking about."
"You don't have to listen to your mother, she's delusional."

As a result, I have spent the last 10 years after the divorce, putting that respect in place. 

My oldest daughter doesn't have much courtesy toward me. She rarely answers her phone when I call, doesn't call back until a week or so, later. When a relationship has no nurturing, it suffers.
She declares with words, that she wants me to have a relationship with her 3 daughters, yet, her actions say otherwise.
I was so excited to be asked to spend Christmas with her family.......until she offered me a BUS TICKET and an AIR MATTRESS!
Sub par offerings considering her husband is a Captain USAF.
That's such a lack of respect. If I had given her the same sub par treatment as a child she would not be where she is, today.

Second daughter is so toxic, so hate filled, I had to sever connection with her as she lied to me so much, spewed hate at me on multiple occasions. She even told me that I had never earned her respect. Yeah. 18 years of sacrifice on her behalf, above & beyond what is required in parenting. Wonderful Christmases, Birthday parties that required hours upon hours of preparation.
She's still angry with me for divorcing her abusive father. She couldn't hold her first marriage together for even 5 years, yet, she faults me for divorcing after a long marriage, which turned abusive. I gave him opportunity to change. According to him, I was the one with all of the problems, not him.
She was a difficult child, yet, she was my child and I was going to be there for her. I was not a perfect mother, yet, I did try to be.

Third child, a son, he's off in his own world of cars, girlfriends, work. It's rare when I hear from him. He idolizes his weakling father. Daddy has lots of money & gives it to his son, so, it keeps him in touch with daddy. My son has a good heart, a heart of gold, he is working hard to make it in the world. It's difficult to do.

My youngest, a daughter, is working hard at a prestigious University toward an Engineering Degree. She's working, going to school, working toward personal growth. She and I had to get over some relationship hurdles, yet, we hung in there, together, to develop this close & loving relationship that we have.
We speak by phone or FaceTime every Sunday.
I love this!
She and I both speak our minds to each other with respect. We also have a "safety word" just in case one of us needs a change of subject in the conversation. 

One child out of four, reaches out to me on a regular basis, backs her words with actions, tells me she loves me then shows me.

I love this youngest daughter of mine, yet, it does break my heart that the other three, who I sacrificed for, body, mind, spirit, care very little about me.

It hurts, it hurts a lot, yet, as time goes by, I see the other three less and less, I hear from them less and less. The searing pain in my heart is turning to apathy.

Hopefully, soon, I will have as little caring for them as they do, for me.

In the ten years since the divorce, I have seen how I damaged myself. I taught my children to love & respect their father, so, now, they love & respect him.
Their father taught them that I was of little value, unworthy of respect, so, now this is how 3 of my 4 children treat me.

It's sad.

Don't tell me they will "come around", I won't wait for that. 

I feel my apathy toward them taking over, in my heart. It's a comfort, it's a healing balm to stop caring for those who don't care for me.

For now?

I keep moving forward, working on my fitness goals, ridding myself of possessions. Discovering new aspects of life.

Forward, always forward, with more hope, more love, more excitement to see what each new day brings!

What will it bring?

Stay tuned!