Baby, I Lied

What would you call a person who feels deeply, cares deeply, has to self protect to survive, emotionally?

I would call that person ~ myself.

Being sensitive has its benefits, pitfalls, perks, etc. Along with being emotionally sensitive, there is also a sharper intuition than most people have, yet many are unaware they have it. It's a spiritual awareness of the world around them. 

The buzz kill?

Being in public, in crowds of people, I tend to become overloaded with the energy around me.
Although, this has been greatly heightened by PTSD caused by MST  from the time I served in the USAF, being in crowds of people is difficult for me. 

Before the PTSD diagnosis by a Psychologist, I thought I just hated shopping. My mantra was, "If you want to show me a good time, get me on a horse, take me hiking or to the gym during slow hours. Anything besides shopping!"
Before serving in the USAF, I loved to go shopping!
Now, I realize that being in a crowd of people, creeping me out, is one of the symptoms of PTSD.

Being hyper intuitive isn't like the Hollywood movies about "the 6th sense", although it can be, at times. Reading other peoples minds, finding lost items or people will happen at random vs being a voluntary, controlled event. It's a natural state of being for all people who will listen to the still, small voice whispering to them.
Hollywood has perverted, distorted & otherwise given the erroneous idea of what it's like to have strong intuition.

Now, the buzz kill side to it.

When I truly love another person, I love them deeply, for as long as I will live, I will love them. In order to erase this love, they have to intentionally deal a HUGE amount of pain to me. Otherwise, I will love that person just as deeply as I did while they were in my life, physically.

A dear friend, who knows me better than anyone, who has known me for most of my life, saw me doing what she termed as a 
"Pre-emptive Strike".
Such as, when someone I love would hurt me so deeply, yet, because I love them so much, I couldn't extricate myself from them, I would do something to cause them to extricate themselves from me. Of course, this was VERY UNHEALTHY for both myself and the other person.
It's the teen-age phone game, when having a phone conversation & neither person can make themselves hang up, so they both sit there waiting for the other to disconnect the call. Trading emotional pain for emotional pain, both people taking turns coming back for more.

My "Pre-emptive Strike" was painful for me to employ, painful for the other person to receive. It was my way of ripping the band-aid off, clean. A blast of pain, then, the person would withdraw, the healing could begin, for me, without the pain they had been causing for me, whether intentional or unintentional.
Missing them, still loving them, keeping them in my heart.

I would tell myself, the person didn't really care about me, as they said they did, since they withdrew so easily. 

I would tell myself, the person would move on, easily, never looking back, as I was not even a blip on their radar.

I would tell myself, the love I feel, in my heart, will eventually die.

LIES! All LIES!

Isn't it amazing, the things a person can tell themselves just to be able to survive, emotionally???
Well, I'm amazed by it!

From my perspective, I still love, still care, will miss them forever!

For this reason, the only song that can make me cry is an older country song. 
NO!
It's not about beer, cheatin' hearts, trains, rain or sung by Hank Williams!
YES!
I love country music, get over it.

The song is sung by Deborah Allen ~ Baby, I Lied.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBd-q9LvUDk

It vividly describes me, touches deep, so close to home, it's a magnet on my fridge. lol. You probably get the idea!

Since my dear friend, pointed out the nullifying effect of 
Pre-emptive Strike, I have grown, learned, changed, however, the song can still move me to from misty-eyed to sobs. *sigh*
Oh the wonderful benefit of having such a good friend, who will be honest with me, coated with kindness while still giving a clear message.

Along my path in life, there's so much more to learn, so much more growth to experience.

Learn & grow & feel the glow!

L8erz!