Gratitude

The expression of pain in so many people is so dominant in today's world, it's palpable. To my understanding, it seems so, anyway. 
Yet, hey! 
What do I know?
I'm just a sweet, simple girl, living in happiness in North Texas.

Valentines Day seems to bring so much of that pain, bubbling to the surface to act as salt in the wounds of the heart, wounds deep in the spirits of so many.
And myself?
Nothing.
I feel none of that.
The world seems all geared toward coupling up. Guys just want to find Ms.Right Now. Girls want their Mr. Right for her.
And myself.
Nope.
Happily single & most likely will remain happily independently owned and operated in a peaceful, blissed out existence for life.

Maybe I am just totally screwed up & am unaware. Maybe I am dead on correct, maybe a mixture of both? IDK.

After escaping an abusive marriage, I really believed, yes, even hoped to find a guy to share the rest of my life with. 

A guy who shared my same passionate energy, dreams, goals. 
Perhaps a guy who loves working out as much as I do, or more! A guy with the same thirst for experiences & curiosity about the world as I have.
Someone who would make my happiness his first priority as I would happily love him & make his happiness my first priority. Keep him satisfied in every way a guy would want & need.

I tried to find him.

A few times, I thought I had.

This quest could easily be titled, 
"One A-hole after another, after another then, so on......"

You see, I know that I am that girl that I hear guys whine that they wish to find. The sweet, wholesome, girl next door. A lady in the streets, a freak in the gym, oh, and, yes, the sheets, too!
I know this.

However, some girls are bitchy because they were hurt too many times, then, become bitchy because they have decided to love themselves enough to prevent any guy from hurting her ever again.

Having become that girl, I can tell you that, it's a happier, more peaceful existence to have the walls up, strong, titanium walls that no one can penetrate.
He would have to be a super hero to get through.

Captain America, are you out there?
*smile*

I pour my sexual energy, my emotional energy, spiritual energy, physical energy, into killing it at the gym! 
With the help of Katie, the most knowledgeable, encouraging & creative PT  I have ever known, my body is becoming stronger, leaner, more like it was at the age of 19.

YES!

It IS possible. With Katie's help, it's happening! I am so grateful to her!
Fitness is my life.

One might ask, how I got to this point.

In 2012, a man who I had known before, came back into my life. 
He's a very cunning & skilled manipulator. He has control issues, which won't fly with me once I have id'ed them. Before that, I really thought I was immune to being manipulated by someone like him.

Nope.

Not as immune as I had thought, plus, he was just that skilled at lying, manipulating, deceiving and played me like a borrowed piano.
His talk of what our life together would be like was fascinating! His detailed descriptions of the adventures we would live together, the life he wanted to build with me sucked me in like a $10,000. wedding ring being drawn into a sewer when accidentally flushed down a toilet. The catch in my throat was just as real when I realized what he had done, what I had allowed. 
Makes me feel sick, now.

Let me just say, I take responsibility for my actions. I was stupid enough to believe him. I was stupid enough because my heart, though it had been broken so many times, was still hopeful that there was *just one* decent guy out there who was safe to love.

He asked me to give up my 2 sweet Yorkies because he said he didn't like to have animals in the house. I found a family with two, 8 yr old girls who each wanted a little dog as a pet. My Yorkies were brothers, the only 2 in the litter, they had always been together. These people saw how sweet & well behaved my boys were, they paid me quite a lot for them. I'm still in touch with the people, so, my boys are happy, loved, well cared for.
I still miss them every day. After I gave my boys up, Mr. 2012 didn't want a relationship.
I told him that when he was taking up 3 - 7 hours per day of my time that IS a relationship.

He left me so devastated, so hurt, I only wanted to die. Only wanted to fade away from existing, leaving nothing behind.

Am quite sure you get the idea.

Having been hurt, several times before, this was the proverbial straw that broke me, the very last straw.
It took this much devastation for me to decide that I was done. Deciding that I would love myself enough to refrain from risking experiencing the deep pain which he dealt to me, ever again

I am deeply grateful to him.

He helped me to lose the desire to ever have a man in my life, in my bed, in my heart or any other way, ever again.

While I still love men, I will watch from a distance, will appreciate the awesome guys in the world!!!!!

When I hear the pain & anguish of other people who want someone to love them & be loved by, I am grateful to Mr. 2012.

My love is fitness.

Joy in life is in seeing my body transform.

Deep satisfaction is in a creative mind which creates beautiful hand crafted items of heirloom quality.

Being an independent, free spirit, happy in solitude is wondrous!

Would I recommend the process that put me in this frame of mind?

HELL NO!

Emphasis on going through HELL.

Am I happy in my current state of being?

Absolutely.

Life is sweeter, happier, my mind is clear, my conscience is clear, sleep is deeply satisfying.

Life is meant to be a journey of learning & joy.

Having joy from learning a valuable lesson is sweet!

Getcha some!