Most people are more comfortable giving than they are receiving, just in my experience. Usually, I'm the giver, it's safer for me, that way.
Why is that?
Well, trusting others has rarely ended up well for me. People in this world have proven to me over and over that trusting others is a mistake. My parents couldn't be trusted, my siblings have betrayed me. Even my own children have turned on me, betrayed me in ways I never could have imagined.
The males in this world have shown me further, that males ESPECIALLY cannot be trusted.
Whatever trust I had in people, just starting out, was crushed by my experiences while serving in the USAF. Every female was jealous of me and stabbed me in the back, every guy was just out to get in my pants. When I turned the dogs away, they only spread horrible rumors about me, of course people believed them. The bad stuff seems to be more often believed than the good information.
Now? I'm a loner. It's safer this way, better, this way. Alone 90% of the time. By choice.
Very painful, yet, being alone is better than betrayal, over and over.
Married males, single males, religious males, older, younger, all races & ethnicity, all have proved to me that males can't be trusted. Not with my heart, money, mind or body. Nothing is safe.
It would have only taken ONE decent male treating me with respect, instead of the lies, deceit, emotional pain, yet, there were none. It ended up with me hating myself for caring about them.
So, that's my story and why I would rather help others than accept anything from anyone, there are always strings attached. Sooner or later, the strings reveal themselves and I'm screwed - again.
By nature, I'm a giver, a helper, a nurturer, so, these trust issues are especially hard for me. My heart is still so tender that it wants to believe in the good in the world. Wants to believe that there are people worthy of trust, yet, my mind silences my heart in self protection mode.
Have I ever betrayed others? I'm sure I have. Yet, if I did, it was in dealing pain out to someone who dealt so much pain & suffering to me that I was overflowing it onto them for all they gave to me.
Seems fair, right?
No, not really, yet it did feel good to get angry,then, get even.
It's not right, yet, it's what I did. I live with it. Better than feeling like a perpetual victim.
Giving is more gratifying, more emotionally safe. I know that I can definitely be trusted while I'm pretty sure most people will stab me in the back if I let my guard down.
As one who has been involved with the military most of my life, I have a soft spot for Military Veterans as well as active duty military people.
When I moved to this small town, I was surprised at how many Military Veterans as well as Military Reserve & National Guard people there are. Well.......it IS Texas after all! I have found that the people in this town have a love and a respect for the military that I didn't find anywhere else I have lived. Having moved around a lot, the respect for the military was not so strong as it is here. I can only speak for this part of Texas where I currently reside. Maybe the rest of Texas is like this, too? Honestly, I can't say as I do not know.
The first Military Veteran I met, in this town, who was suffering so much really spurred me into action. I wanted to help him. Seeing his suffering, caused some sleepless nights for me. Laying in bed, unable to sleep, trying....trying....trying to think of a way to help him. I knew about the VA Representative, yet, I didn't think to go to the Rep for myself. The next time I went to the VA Representative, I snagged several of his business cards.
When I met a Vet who was suffering ~ the hounding began!
My heart wanted to help them, to end their suffering. Who am I? What power do I have to help these people?
The answer is ~ none, really ~ I wouldn't accept that from myself.
The need to do something or at least try my very hardest to do something to help, burned within me. Laying awake through the night, thinking about it no matter what I was doing. Working out at the gym, showering, watching a movie, taking a walk around the lake. The wheels in my brain would be turning.
How can I help this person?
When was the last time I checked up on them?
How is this person doing?
Does this person have food to eat?
Is this person depressed or cold or sad?
Then, I would go find them or sometimes see them while out running errands around town, it's a small town. I would ask them how their VA case is going. Ask them what they were doing to move the process further along. Ask them if they needed help to fill out their forms. A stamp and/or envelope to mail the forms in? Could I drop it off at the post office for them?
Today, when sitting & visiting with one of the Military Veterans I was hounding for 6 months, I found that the case had been processed. It was a success, the help was being given.
My case is still pending. Yet, having learned that I have helped *FOUR* fellow Military Veterans to receive the help they needed. To put some healing balm on the mental, emotional and physical wounds they suffered, while serving their country. THIS is gratification to me. This is the big pay off to months of hounding, the anguish of the sleepless nights, this time & effort spent, the worry for the suffering of these fellow humans. It is a wonderful reward.
My case is still pending, as I have already said. Whether mine is solved or not, it feels like I have received so much more than monetary reward can ever give me.
Of course, monetary reward is nice, yet, in my heart, I know that I have helped to ease the suffering of 4 others.
Hopefully, this will have a ripple effect, even if it's in small ways, that I was able to make the world a better place for having lived in it, to have done what is right, what is good.
Very minimal risk to myself, yet, a greater good beyond whatever my life is.
This has made me feel, although I would rather be a suicide statistic, I must still be here for a reason.
I'm still here.
I'm still here.
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