Angst & Solution

It's a tale as old as time (I think so).

This could be about Beauty and The Beast, yet, it's a more serious topic.

When a person brings a sweet new tiny baby into the world, it's a very hopeful time. Visions of who that bit of star dust will be as they grow are full of promise. Thoughts of watching them as they first toddle into the room on wobbly little legs, then learning to roller skate, ride a bicycle, start out on their education.

First day of school! That can be a tear jerker! Can also be joyous.

I worked very hard, as a mother, to do everything I could. Endeavoring  to teach my 4 kiddos as much as I could in the time I had. Arming them with life skills to launch them confidently out into the world.

It hurts me very deeply that 2 of my 4 children have excluded me from every significant milestone in their adult lives. I would have loved to have been there to witness their happy moments.

Was I a perfect mother? Nope. OMGoodness, I sure wanted to be.

Now, back to that perfect little child.

If you try to tell someone that just because you love that baby so much it feels like your heart is swelled up to bursting? That someday, there might be a time when you are pushed to the edge of your sanity by them? That your child would lie to you, steal from you, call you some very foul names? 
It would be hard to believe.

It's called a teenager.

It's then that a person realizes the truth in the semi funny sayings.

~ Parenting is not for sissies
~ They should be accompanied by an instruction book!
~ OMGoodness, what have I gotten myself into?
~ Cleaning the house while the children are growing is like shoveling the sidewalk while it's still snowing.

Come what may, they are your child to love, teach, guide. One of the toughest times is the teen age years. Some teenagers are more difficult, some are easier. 
It's between a boulder & a very hard place.

The memories of your child as a newborn baby, linger. If you love your child fiercely, as I loved and love mine, that love is there no matter how that child treats you. For me, the love is the same as it was when each of them were born. 
It was the same then, as it is, today even though they are all out there in the world, being positive contributors to society.

The ache in my heart from missing them, the joy when we visit.

It's the same, now, as it has always been.

Many parents who are going through the trials & growing pains with their teenagers, also, with children of adult age are often left so perplexed. Many struggle to figure out how to have as well as how to preserve the parent/child bond.

Peeps!

It's a slippery slope.



Today, I'm going to share some of what I have done as well as learned, to get me through it.

Caveat ~ My relationships with all 4 are imperfect. I'm going to be truthful. It could be so much better, although I have to say that my relationship with my youngest is very good. It's been described by others as a tight, close bond. Yass! 

Here ya go:

1. Many parents try so hard to cling to the idea that they deserve respect for all that they did for their child or children.
Well, yes, however, people rarely get what they deserve.

Many people do, however, get what they negotiate for.

Having a healthy relationship with an offspring who has grown into an autonomous adult, means that, even as their parent, you will have to compromise. You will have to let go of the idea that, that child is your child, you made them, you raised them!
You don't own them, nor do they owe you.

As one of my dear sweet children told me, when they were at age 26, so succinctly:
"I don't respect you because you never earned my respect."
OUCH!

2. Your adult child is going to make their own mistakes that leave you, as their parent, crushed, feeling guilty. You may blame yourself, wrack your brain during sleepless nights as to what you might have done wrong in their formative years.
STOP!
Once that child is of adult age, is supporting themselves, living on their own, even if you did some things you regret, their mistakes are their mistakes. 
Sorry, mom & pop. It usually has very little to do with you.
Once they are shouldering adult responsibility, they are also completely responsible for their own boo-boos.

3. Just as your child has evolved & changed, independent from you, they will often feel free to tell you that they don't like certain aspects of your personality.
I was told by one of my children:
"The way you do your makeup makes you look like a tired old street-walker."
DOUBLE OUCH

It may be habits that you have had for your entire life or ones that developed in your offspring's childhood.
Mm Hm.
It could be the way you chew your food, the clothing style you have, your hair style. 
Possibly your own personal style of humor. For mothers, it could be the way you apply makeup or even the lack thereof.

You're going to hear it!

If you want a good healthy relationship with your child, you may have to re-examine that. Then, decide if you care more about a closer relationship with your child or care more about clinging to that which irks them. It IS a choice.

4. Everyone has triggers. Those triggers might be something you don't know of. You only know that whilst speaking on the phone, they end the call without warning. Sometimes a conversation that was going along just peachy, will take a turn, then escalate into an argument or tears or a shouting match.

What I did with one of my children was to choose a mutually agreed on, safety word. If one of us two was getting triggered, the one who was becoming uncomfortable would say the safety word & the other person had to STOP.

Genius? Right? Ha ha!

At first, as my child and I navigated to ID the others triggers, that safety word was said many times.
It helped us both to see the triggers in each other.

I have the closest bond with that child, yet, it took work on both of our parts, to get there. Endeavouring first to understand, then, to be understood.

I had to change some habits of mine, listen more closely, do things a bit differently.
Was it worth it?
Absolutely!

A belief that has served me well is that my time to teach my children is mostly over, although, sometimes I can pull a rabbit or two out of the hat. Now? It's often pure fun as well as great connection to learn from them.

Another belief that I have is that I can learn something from everyone! Age is irrelevant. Gender is irrelevant. Race is irrelevant.
Religion is irrelevant. (I sound like a Star Trek Borg! ha ha!)

The point is this, I believe I can learn something from everyone!

As far as my children are concerned, it's less my job to teach them. At this stage of the game, it's more of my job to set an example for them as to what to do in adult life.


For personal integrity, yet, for my kiddos, too:

I don't, as a single girl, I don't sleep around.

I don't use illegal substances, presently, that is. Oh, I dabbled a bit right after divorcing their father, yet, it was mild experimentation.

Am constantly evolving, growing, changing. Within reason, of course, embracing that which is new. Styles, speech, technology, music, fitness trends. Whatever comes into my peripherals!

Living a more clean life. More clean with time.

******************************************************************************

Here's to hoping that my ramblings have helped at least one person. Obviously, I have some answers, yet fall short of having all of the answers. It can be a rocky road to navigate that transition from being a parent of a child who is dependent on them to having a good, healthy relationship with an adult child.