Guilt Trip

It's often said, "It's no ones fault" or "It is what it is. " (UGH!)

Sometimes, just sometimes, every once in awhile, there will be that rare, evolved individual who will admit they were wrong or are wrong. A person who is unselfish or has an "AHA" unselfish moment.

Sometimes it's just the basic guilty conscience.

Sometimes, a person has been struck with the realization that they, indeed, were at fault or are at fault after a period of introspection. That time period can be a matter of hours, days, weeks, months or even years!

For an unknown number of people, the light fails to dawn upon them. Blissfully unaware. Just bee-bopping along. :)

If individuals can be put in a category, I don't fit into any of these categories or maybe I'm blissed out & unaware!

People-watching can yield some great introspection. A person can sometimes see how they appear to others when happy, sad, zoned out, angry, drunk.......I digress.

I enjoy people-watching.

It offers me some introspection.

Something I noticed is how many people are so sure that nothing about them is visible in their actions, expressions, movements, mannerisms, vocal inflection & vocal volume!

Many things are obvious to the trained eye as well as the untrained. People who are insecure broadcast without realizing it. Their body posture, facial expressions. Some people can hide it some of the time, yet, not all people can hide it all of the time. Some people are simply open books!

I might slightly resemble that category. 

I'm honest by nature, I find it difficult to lie. 

Everyone lies sometimes, including myself. How's that grab ya' for honesty? :)

In my own personal journey from fit & slender to morbidly obese, now, working back toward fit & slender, I noticed the tell tale signs in my own body. 

My own face, of my own body. No, it's not loose, floppy, hanging skin, my skin is toned as well as nearly taut.

There ARE, however, physical characteristics that I have, which are the truth markers of having been morbidly obese at one point in my life.

When watching other people, I can identify the same characteristics in others. The characteristics are not detracting from a persons appearance any more than wearing contact lenses detracts from a former eyeglass wearers. Simply, neutral characteristics.

When I served in the USAF, I was at a healthy weight as a matter of military regulation. When I married, I did let my healthy eating habits slip. I started to pick up the habits of the huzz. 

He had very unhealthy eating habits yet, his fast metabolism consumed the calories like a 500 degree furnace! He ate lots of fried foods, lots of food in general. I picked up some of those bad habits, by choice, it was my decision.

It was going to pile lots of weight on my small frame. 

Then, came the babies, etc, etc, etc, etc.

I knew that eating the ice cream, cookies, fried foods, pizza, as well as a plethora of unhealthy choices was putting weight on me.

I wasn't worried, though I should have been. 

Famed last words!

As the weight added up, I wasn't willing to think about it. There were also the symptoms of PTSD, which I had to fight to deal with in order to be a good wife & mother.

The busy lifestyle of raising 4 children, supporting his career, moving from one house to another. Sometimes, one country to another.

We moved 18 times in 22 years in support of his career.

I was distracted, I was busy, I was tired. I was oblivious.

This is a reason, though, it's no excuse.

Still?

I feel horribly guilty tinged with regret that I let myself gain so much weight that it has taken me 12 years to naturally, slowly, take most of it off.

When I see the telling signs in others who have fought the battle with obesity and won! I'm happy for them.

I, also, see those same markers, if you will, in myself and OMGoodness! 

I feel guilty!

I feel sad that I allowed it, because, I know I did.

Guilty by negligence.

My justifications were:

I've had 4 babies

Genetics are against me

I still have time to lose it

I'm married, I can relax on my appearance a little

It's too hard, I can't do it!

Huzz is trying to control me by pressuring me too much

If I lose weight, I will do it for ME, no one else

Honestly? I didn't realize just how much weight I had gained. Didn't know, didn't care about it very much. I truly didn't realize how I appeared in reality.

When I finally got to the point where I was ready to take the weight off just for me, I went after it, stuck to it, felt strong determination!

Now, when looking back at photos of myself from before I gained the weight, to photos of after, it makes me feel so horribly guilty, I can't bear it.

It's very embarrassing, discouraging, disheartening.

Still, I push forward!

Pushing forward to make my fitness goals, my #1 goals. 

The guilt?

Oh, yass! It's still there. Instead of letting the guilt use me, I use the guilt to motivate, inspire, to push harder, become more lean, stronger, more physically fit.

Bonus time!

In addition to becoming more physically fit, my mental/emotional/psychological state of being has become happier, more peaceful. Maybe it's from, in addition to working out, my daily Yoga practice.

I will admit, I still feel the guilt of having let myself go. Although I am almost where I want to to be, fitness wise, the guilt still hangs on like the last 10 pounds of weight to lose, like that next level in benching 300 lbs when you stay at 250 for so long (both of which, 300 or 250, I cannot do, so I won't make fraudulent claims).

Maybe, the guilty feelings will be the last dregs of obesity to go.

Whatever it is or isn't, I'm on my way!

L8erz!