A Romantic Heart

Once in awhile, like this morning, my soft, romantic heart is stirred into awakening. 

There has been tragedy in my church family as well as my own, which touched my heart with sadness, with love for those who are grieving, with reflection on my own suicidal tendencies.

It's true.

I DO have suicidal thoughts, have even made a few attempts in the misery of my abusive marriage. Failed attempts. Only thoughts of suicide since then. 

A suicide plan. 

When I feel the sadness that 2 suicides have generated, it makes me rethink my own suicide plan.

People who speak out against suicide don't understand how it feels.

People who end their own lives don't want to die, yet, it's the only way they can think of to end their deep, searing pain.

Permanently.

I know this pain, personally.

I live with it. 

My heart has been battered, bruised & torn by the pain of the cruelty of males in my life. The cruelty of a gang of girls who nearly killed me. The cruelty of living in a small town where most of the people don't want me, here. Many have asked me, 

"Why don't you move somewhere else?"

or

"If I were you, I would just move somewhere else."

It's far from being so simple.

The tragedy of the events of the weekend, the cooling off of the weather, then, an excellent morning workout. All of this has put me in a reflective mood, already.

Then......

My softened heart, tenderized, already.The song played by my favorite country station, started. It speaks to my heart. It speaks to the soft woman that I am. 

A soft ooshy-gooshy heart which I fiercely protect with an impenetrable wall around it lest it become shattered, as it was in 2012, ever again. I wrote on my heart, a vow to protect it from being hurt again. An important promise to keep.

****************************************************

They read you Cinderella, 

you hoped it would come true

That, one day, your Prince Charming 

would come rescue you

You like romantic movies, 

you never will forget

The way you felt when 

Romeo kissed Juliet

All this time that you've been waiting!

You don't have to wait no more!

I can love you like that

I would make you my world

Move heaven and earth if you were my girl

I will give you my heart

Be all that you need

Show you you're everything that's precious to me

If you give me a chance

I can love you like that

I never make a promise I don't intend to keep

So when I say forever, forever's what I mean

I'm no Casanova but I sweat this much is true

I'll be holding nothin back when it comes to you

You dream of love that's everlasting

Well, baby, open up your eyes.......

***************************************

I know that was long, yet, it gives you the idea of what type of mood I'm in on this cool, misty morning. 

Yes, I do believe that this kind of love exists. I believe there are strong, kind, masculine guys who love their wives with their whole hearts. More importantly, they are faithful to their wives, mind, body, heart & soul. I know these guys exist.

There has only been one true man in my life who was this way with me, yet, I see other men who are this way with their lovely wives.

Romance?

Yes, please!

Please, sir, could I have some more romance?

Yes, more, if you have it to give.

Although my heart is closed to all males, it's opened to romance. Romance which can be;  listening to romantic music, dressing in soft silky clothing which feels so good on my skin. Romance can be reading poetry which describes the stirrings of the heart.

My heart was not always closed. It had to close to protect what is left of the positive feelings toward the males in the world who are good men who have never harmed it. 

Just like an egg, the shell around it protects the delicate contents. It would only take just the right pressure of one with truly honorable intent to break the shell.
The fairytale "true love's first kiss to break the spell" or, in this case, the honorable intent to break the hard shell.

Maybe he has not revealed himself to me, or maybe he has. *smile*

Stay tuned.