Oh, when they are still in single digits, they are sweet. Even as tween-agers, they still need almost everything from you, so, they will love you, be nice to you, especially when they want something.
Once that sweet baby you endured the pain of giving life to, has a job, their own money, often, most of that loving sweetness disappears.
In my experience as a mother with grown children, living their independent, self supporting lives. I hear more about everything I did wrong, less about what I did right.
The fact that all 4 are educated, self supporting, happily married, adults. All 4 are free of detrimental addictions, all 4 have not been sentenced to jail time for anything.
According to one of those 4 children, they are, all 4, successful in spite of me, not because of me. Just slice my heart open, now.
It gives the same effect.
These 4 children forget that they were not exactly 100% angels all the time. I still loved them dearly. Add to this, the fact that their father undermined my parenting. He just wanted to be a kid, wanted to be their friend.
This forced me to have to be the adult, to actually be a parent, essentially, I had to be the bad guy.
One time, I actually WAS the bad guy. Really bad. Bad ass!
A 15 year old girl who was twice my size was harassing my 2 older children who were 9 years old and 7 years old, on the school bus. When my precious 9 year old daughter came home with a big red hand print from a slap, on the side of her face, I went full mama lion!
The school would not help me, nor would the bus garage or the drivers (it was DOD schools, Russian drivers who didn't speak English). I went with the intent to reason with the girl, to give her my phone number to call me if she had a problem with one of my children.
The next day, after school, the students were coming out to board the school buses. I approached her, offered her my phone number written on a slip of paper.
As soon as she realized who I was, she grabbed the hair on both sides of my head and screamed "Biiiiiiitch" and spat in my face.
Home girl clearly had no clue who she was messing with. My self defense training when I was Security Forces in the USAF kicked in at that moment.
Her hands were occupied, holding onto my hair very tightly, I reached up to place my hands pressing down on her shoulders while simultaneously bringing my knee with full force to slam into her pelvic bones. She screamed and fell backwards, still gripping my hair. She pulled me over on top of her, straddling her big soft belly with my knees. Perfect position to punch her face.
Perfect!
She was a noob, messing with mama lion!
I began punching her face telling her to let go of my hair.
I grabbed a handful of mud & pebbles, smeared it on her face. She loosened her grip, still held on. I punched her, again telling her it was from my 9 year old. Then I punched her again, giving her a punch from my 7 year old. The school children on the bus were cheering me on. She had been bullying several of them for a long time.
Finally, some adults from the bus garage came running to break up the fight. My adrenaline was pumping. Before I got up off of her, I got up in her face, cleared some mud from her eyes so she could see me, clearly. I spat a loogie on her face and told her:
"If you ever touch one of my children again, I will come after you twice as hard and if your mama is there, I'll beat her ass, too!"
From my prior experience as a USAF Cop, I knew that the first person to file a statement was given the most credibility. All 4 kiddos in the car, buckled in, their dad dropped the gas, going as fast as was allowed, to file an incident report at the MP Station for the Kaiserslautern, Germany, Military Community.
As a result? Action was taken against the 15 year old, as several of the school children stated that the girl had been punching and slapping them on the bus for over a year. They, all of them, said that the 15 year old had attacked me first and that I was defending myself. That she would not let go of my hair.
She was the step daughter of a US Army Lt COL, she had escaped punishment for previous offenses, up to that time.
I had risked a lot to protect my daughters, it was worth it. It was more than 20 years ago, yet, I remember it very clearly.
My children have forgotten that I stayed up all night on Christmas Eves, while their father went to bed instead of helping me. He and I could have created a magical Christmas for our children together AND gotten enough sleep if he had helped me.
My children have also forgotten that I always accepted the heel on the bread so they didn't have to eat it.
Also forgotten & never mentioned is the fact that I made sure that their birthdays were magical, fun filled & memorable. Because we were a military family, we were sometimes in the middle of moving from 1 country to the next when it was their birthday. So, even if I had to decorate the birthday child's airplane seat then have the pilot of the plane we were on, sing "Happy Birthday" over the airplane PA system, I made sure their birthday was special.
For their birthdays, I put together a "Cowboy For A Day" party. A "Victorian Tea Party", A "Toilet Paper Princess" party at Joes Crab Shack. A lamb themed party complete with a borrowed lamb. When each of my daughters got their menses for the first time, I took them out, just the lucky daughter and me, to celebrate! To make it something positive.
I even put together a luau for a 16th Birthday. I invited everyone from school, church, plus the entire Briargate, CS,CO, neighborhood. We had BBQ ribs, chicken, sliced pineapple, rice, home made bread and a huge sheet cake from Sam's with 5 gallons of ice cream. My 2 older daughters, who had learned Hawai'ian Hula very well, performed for the guests. I would guestimate, there were around 200 -250 people there.
All this I did to make sure my daughter felt loved.
It took a lot of work, planning, yes, even money, to make this happen. It's still a very clear memory. I would do it again!
Also forgotten is the lovely clothing I hand made for them. Embroidering on their clothing to make it uniquely theirs. The hand made back packs, the pillow cases with lambs, snowflakes, unicorns, kitty cats, cars and their names.
Most often, I would be so tired after having put the children to bed, cleaned up the kitchen, living room, bathrooms and then, sat down for some time for myself. As I did this I wondered if my children would appreciate the work I did, the effort it took, the long hours, when they were grown. I have my answer, now.
I would be so tired that I had to choose between brushing my teeth or taking a tinkle before dropping into bed. Sometimes I did neither. Sometimes I had enough energy left to do one or the other. Too tired to do both.
It's extremely rare that I hear about those occasions that required a lot of work, planning, negotiating & creativity to make it happen.
Those are mostly forgotten.
Often I have heard it said that children learn how to treat their mother from the example of how their father treats her. Their father was hyper critical of most of what I did, said, who I was.
While I told my children to show respect for their father, he would often tell me, right in front of them, if I displeased him,
"After 4 babies, you're all used up."
He will swear he only said it once (which is a lie) yet, to even say that ONCE to the mother of your children is despicable.
When I was telling one of the kiddos of their chores that had to be done or homework before play, he would tell them:
"You don't have to do homework, go outside and play"
or
"You don't have to do that, your mom never knows what the hell she's talking about."
Ex huzz also swears he never said that, either, yet, he says it in home movies, clearly heard.
After realizing that he felt that the verbal abuse plus other abuse was an acceptable way to treat me, I left him.
As little money as I had, I even paid the hefty full fee to file for a divorce. He refused to pay even half.
It takes a lot for a woman with only a HS diploma, no viable skill to support herself to leave the security of a long marriage & children she had devoted her life to, to leave.
I may not have been a perfect wife, I made mistakes there, too, yet, I never said "NO" to him, to sex, for the entire time we were married. Even 1 week before having a baby or 1 week after.
It was a good decision, to leave, it was the best decision for my sanity. My one regret is that it hurt my children.
Perhaps, my children's demonizing of me is fueled by their resentment of me for leaving their father.
More likely, their attitudes toward me were taught to them by the lack of respect their father had for me. Filing for a divorce was one of the few things I did for myself in so many years. In time, hopefully, they will, all 4, understand, then stop telling me everything I did wrong.
This is NOT a card I received, it does, however, evoke, in me the way it makes me feel when I am told what a witch of a mother I was.
When each of my children came to me, as they reached adult age, to tell me what I did wrong, it hurt me so badly. It hurt me so deeply, I cried for many hours once they could not hear me or see me sobbing.
As they listed the many crimes I had committed, I simply offered a sincere apology. Whether it deserved an apology or not, I validated their feelings, their pain, by apologizing to them.
Some of what they "remember" is actually incorrect as is proved by family photos, the sequences in a timeline.
Yet, my deep love for my children, is stronger than my pain, stronger than my indignation when I am demonized.
So, I simply give them a hug, apologize & validate their feelings.
As a parent, I made mistakes. Stupid mistakes, as all parents do.
I'm human, I make mistakes, I reserve the right to be wrong. I was wrong in some of the things I did. None of these things were illegal. None of these mistakes could have caused my children to be taken from me. Abuse doesn't have to be very severe to cause a child to feel pain that is, unfortunately a part of many children's childhoods.
I did, however, use psychology on my children.
I found that grape kool aid, mixed extra strong, tastes just like a children's medicine, that made them go to sleep. Placebo effect!
After the bottle of sleep inducing medicine had become empty, I rinsed it out with soap & hot water, put a mark on the bottle so as not to confuse it with the real medicine. I poured the grape kool aid into the clean, empty medicine bottle.
When I desperately needed one or 2 or all 4 to go to sleep, I gave it to them. They knocked out instantly & I had some time to myself.
This was always in the evening, within 2 hours or so of their bed time.
They didn't figure it out for many years. it was genius!
Then there was the time I decided to teach the kiddos the power of prayer. Their father had been working some very long hours, they loved & missed him. One day, after he had gone to the office early that morning, he phoned me, told me that he was going to be able to come home for the rest of the day at 1030 am. I thought of a plan, quickly, then asked him to make sure it was exactly 1030 when he walked in the door.
As my kiddos expressed to me, with sad faces that they missed their daddy, I gathered them around me. I asked each of them what they thought about praying, about the power of prayer.
Mm Hm, you see where this is going, riiiight?
I told them that prayer is a powerful force, that if they missed their father, they should pray and be specific about what they wanted. Such as, praying for their father to come home early, specifically at what time.
How about, 1030? 😇
As we sat there, praying, the kiddos prayed in earnest. Afterward, they played, sang, talked, with one eye on the front door, the other eye on the clock!!!!!
At exactly 1030, their father walked in the door.
The kiddos were so shocked, squeals of pure joy, shouts of,
"Prayer really does work!"
Again, I felt it was genius on my part!
None of them have mentioned that in their criticism of me as their mother, either. The 2 younger ones might not remember.
The whole point of this blog entry is that, if you want to feel loved, to be loved, it's very uncertain that you will get that, for life, from a child you adopt or give birth to.
Learn to love yourself or get a pet, your odds are much higher that you will receive unconditional love, for their life, with you, from a pet.
Find a hobby that gives you immense pleasure, find something to be passionate about. Whatever it is, let it create a fire inside you for the love of that hobby!
As cliché as this sounds, you must love yourself before anyone can truly love you.
My children are, all 4, very accomplished people. Very attractive physically, as it has been pointed out to me by many other people, kind hearted, intelligent. Each of them has a great sense of humor, each of them delight in helping others.
I only wish that all 4 of them would direct more of that kindness, compassion, respect toward me for the many years of work I put in to help them be the people they are, now.
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