Baby, one last time.

It's said by so many people to live in the moment, move forward, never look back. Try to be happy, bitterness is so unattractive.

While all of this sage advice is well intended, has a great amount of merit, I wonder what the actual life experiences of the givers of advice actually is. Has their life been easy? Have they ever had a bitter pill...……...or 50, to swallow?

From recent counseling appointments with a truly caring, excellent PhD Psychologist, I realize that, in life, I have been through a 100X bigger truck of crap than most people. Before, I hadn't thought about it. 
Now, I am realizing that I have been through hell & back.

Hell X 100, worked hard to get through it, managed to be sane.

A particularly hard, jagged, acid coated pill to take? 
Ex huzz loved rough anal sex. 
He nagged, begged & threatened until I gave in with great fear.
It hurt like hell !!!!!!!
TMI? 
Sorry, NOT sorry. 
I started having "problems" immediately after the divorce. 

What kind of problems?
Problems that I was constantly shitting my panties. My anal muscles were badly torn, weakened, damaged. His damage to me.

TMI? Still, not sorry.

The most humiliating part was explaining to the PA how my anal muscles became so damaged and scheduling the appointment for corrective surgery.
The compassionate doctor was very professional, still, I saw a couple tears roll down his face as I told him how it happened.
Paying off the loan to pay for the corrective surgery to repair the damage done to me, from rough anal sex that was practically demanded, by a stingy ex huzz was a REALLY bitter pill.

Especially when he proclaimed over & over how he ~
"Did more for me than he had to." for me.
Yeah, right.

Psychological damage took longer to recover from.

I KNEW ex huzz was paying me far less than he was supposed to. I knew that he thought I was so stupid that I didn't know how much I was supposed to be receiving from him. 
As a military spouse who supported his military career for 24 years bearing his 4 children, moving 18 times in 22 years.

I knew how much he was supposed to be paying me.

He always under-estimated me.

I wanted to preserve a congenial relationship for the sake of my four children who I love with all of my heart.

So, when people speak well of the ex huzz, I know of his deviant practices, his perverted ideas of what he thinks is okay. Yet, I remain quiet. Listening to my kiddos & others, praise him. 
BARF.

What goes through my thoughts?
Shitting my panties & expensive, humiliating surgery. 

I have a standing appt every Thursday with a top notch therapist. 
Slowly, oh, so slowly, I'm working through the combo of an abusive childhood, the multiple sexual assaults I was damaged the most in my life while serving on active duty in the USAF. 

Being able to live without fear of having an "accident" as long as the corrective surgery holds, is a comfort. When I see how obese the ex huzz has become & hear of his multiple health problems, I feel sorry for him. 
Karma is a bitch & sometimes it has puppies.

Puppies! I'm getting closer to being healed enough to adopt some real puppies of my own. The soft, warm cuddly type.

I'm so close. I'm almost healed. 

Life is getting better all the time!