Happy Birthday?

It's that time of year.

🎂
🎉

PARTAYYYY!

I wish.

It started a long, long time ago. Some things from childhood stick with a girl, some are merely hiccups.
I wish I could say that Birthdays are more of a hiccup. Whiskey or vodka ones, preferably, well, that sometimes happens!

😀

For whatever reason, my mother expressed, both vocally as well as in actions that she didn't like me.
She, single handed, ruined Birthdays for me, even now.
Key in the BM song, "Even Now".  

😿

Dear ole mom would usually start, around 2 weeks before my Birthday, which is ~

July 14th (Bastille Day en France').

She started this when I was around 4 or 5 years of age, start telling me that she regretted having me, that I was worthless, didn't deserve a Birthday or a Birthday cake.

Thanks, mom! Love you, too!!!

She would put together a Birthday celebration only when strongly pressured to do it by her sister or sisters if they needed to call in more re-enforcement to get the job done.

She made it clear to me that she loathed celebrating another year of my life.

When I returned from Basic Training & Tech School for a brief visit, I had, with me, some rather compromising pictures of a guy I had spent time with during my USAF Technical School.

She found them while snooping through the room I had been sleeping in. She rarely respected my boundaries or my privacy.
Mother of the year!!!!!

She, then, made a Birthday cake for me which was in the shape of a lamb. On the cake, she wrote:

"The lamb of God takes away the sins of the harlots of the world".
It was the only Birthday cake she willingly made for me.

Is it any wonder that I begin to feel sadness, anxiety and real emotional pain, starting round 2 weeks before July 14?

To compound this, aside from the Birthday party my youngest daughter gave for me on the anniversary of my 21st 
Birthday 😇, my Birthday, each year, has never been much of a celebration.
Although ex huzz fully expected a celebration for HIS birthday, he rarely made much of an acknowledgement of mine. This was less than helpful.

So....here it is, THAT infamous time of year.

Although I'm trying to refrain from sliding into depression, going emo chik is soooo unattractive, it's really tough for me.

I will try, I will try, I will try.....shaddup, Yoda! (inside yoke).