Lightening!

Yes, I meant lightening! Did you think I meant it as aerial electric lightning?

No worries. Alle ist klar.

A dear dear friend told me of Marie Kondo, aka Konmari. She is a Japanese woman, sweeping Japan with her approach, her methods, her philosophy of organizing. She started her fascination at the old age of 5 years, of organizing, or "The life changing magic of tidying up" as her book is titled.

Her book is available as an audio book online. Have listened to it a couple times as I was working on needlework projects or hand-making cards for loved ones for upcomong occasions.

Her ideas make a lot of sense. I need her.

When making the decision to leave Colorado, I rid myself of 1/2 of all I own. Have spent the past 3 years working to get rid of the rest.

Donate

Give away

Throw away

Have rid myself of furniture, clothes, knick knacks, dishes, bed linens, table linens, even a few antiques. Whatever it was that I could do without.

Lighter! Lightening my load!

However, still need to get rid of more.

Today, had to do some mending of pants for 2 single guys, here in town. I was meeting them at Dos Chiles Mexican Restaurant to take them out for an early dinner as well as deliver their mended pants which ~ by the way ~ I had had their pants for 12 days, had not touched them! the pants, that is.  :)

By 11 am I had gathered motivation. I went into the room to get my sewing machine, which I had not touched since 2010, ready to mend the pants.

UGH!

I had been an expert seamstress. Had made my daughters wedding dress in 2010. Had been sewing a long time. Since 2010, I had no reason to sew. 

Time to get it out, fire it up!

The room, a small sitting room just off my bedroom, had been more of a storage room. Had to move the 8 storage bins away from the area where my sewing machine, still packed in a box, was safe, padded by 2 antique quilts I had once prized, to keep the sewing machine from being damaged when I moved to Texas.

It took me 30 minutes (I'm embarrassed to say) to move the storage containers away, un-box the sewing machine, get it set up, then, begin mending. Another deterrant. The sewing machine was 12 feet from the electrical outlet, the cord was only 8 feet. Time to go to the hardware store for an extension cord. All the hardware store had was a 6 ft cord & a 20 ft cord.

The mending was quite simple. Bring the outer seams in by 1.2" on each side, sew up the crotch that had ripped. Patch a rip in the front of one.

This mending task illustrated for me that, I need to rid myself of still MORE than I already had. 

I accomplished the mending, then, did my hair in preparation for meeting the guys at the restaurant. After dinner, I would give them their mended pants after dinner.

Lightening is needed! Lots more lightening! lightening my load of extraneous "stuff".

I have one large bag of clothes to donate when the donation facility is opened on Tuesday. Hoping to add 5 of the remaining 20 bins I still have.

Getting rid of more...more...more! Ha ha!

Greased lightening!

Did you cry?

I used to cry more than I do, currently, today. May 26, 2015.

Maybe it's because I have been through waaay more than my fair share of deep, searing pain, betrayals, disappointments, beatings (YES actual physical beatings), rejection, emotional devastation, abandonment, humiliation.

Ya know what? I'm still here. Still sweet, still smiling.

Made up my mind a long time ago to be happy, so, I am happy.

Yesterday, as y'all know (I say "y'all", now!) was Memorial Day. It's also known by many people as a reason to BBQ, party, drink, do whatever.

That's all fine, it's all good. Just, while you enjoy the day, next time, please, take a few moments to think of those who are no longer here, who gave the ultimate for your freedom.

If you live in Graham, Texas, a great place to do just that is the Young County Veterans Memorial in front of the Court House. They are just names to many who would take my suggestion. They were real people who had real lives, families, babies they never saw grow up. Women, waiting at home, whose lives were felt to crumble around them with a visit from a military chaplain. Mothers & fathers whose sons went willing or unwilling, still they went, to defend their country. The American way of life, all that it meant to them.

I am a Veteran, I served during peace time. Leaving the safety of the small town in Michigan where I lived as a child, I volunteered.

Went willingly, full of fear of the unknown, hope for where it would take me, excitement at the idea of seeing the rest of the world!

Although it was peace time, there was still sacrifice involved. I missed Christmases, Birthdays, Mothers Days, Weddings, Graduations, Funerals, Births of new babies. I have a huge extended family. The career field I chose was a 24 hour occupation. Every day was the same. It was extremely rare to have a holiday off work. The chow hall served some pretty good Thanksgiving dinners, that's what I heard. I was usually on a post, guarding Government property, too far from the chow hall to make it there and back to my post in enough time.

Still, I wouldn't change anything about that.

It was easy, compared to the 8 -12 month "Sand-Box" rotations that many military people have as mandatory duty.

Yesterday, my thoughts turned to my lost love, Michael. Shot down at the age of 27, doing what he loved. What a wonderful man he was. Am greatful for the time he and I had together. My thoughts turned to the sacrifice so many women endured, waiting for those who returned, mourning those who did not. Generally, I prefer a good kick ass action movie, sci fi or comedy. ANYTHING except a sappy love story.

I watched a movie, on YouTube:

The Lost Valentine

It made me a little bit emotional, touched my heart. Going to the Young County Veterans memorial, purty much, was overwhelming.

So, yes, for the first time in a long time, I cried. Cried for the bravery of the men & women whose lives were snuffed out in their prime. Some were barely out of high school. Many were still teenagers!

I cried at how the families must have felt, the new brides made widows when they were barely old enough to vote or drive. The memorialized ones themselves for what they may have endured, the pain, agony, heartache, knowing they would be absent from their loved ones lives.

Yesterday, I read the names out loud, saying their names so they were not totally forgotten.

Yes, on Memorial Day, I cried.

Taya Kyle on the radio this morning

Yupp.

Right after my workout (I'm still burning!!!)

Taya Kyle was on the radio talking about all that she's been doing since the murder of Chris Kyle. She is such a great woman. That's an under statement. She went through the heartaches of dating then, she met Chris.
A true Texas gentleman. That's redundant. Most Texas men are so gentlemanly. After the snobbish, cheater, liars of Colorado, it was refreshing, for me, to move to Texas. The Texas men, in my experience, are true gentlemen. Love that! From birth, these guys are trained to be respectful. To be especially respectful even chivalrous toward women. 
Colorado boys could learn A TON from Texas men.

Taya spoke of how Chris was just a chivalrous, nice guy. Nice guys are the best! Have mostly stayed clear of the bad boy types, but, hey, bad boys are so skilled at deceit, into every nice girls life, a few crappy bad boys DO fall. lol. It's all good.

So, listening to Taya, I can relate. Chris was such a great man. No one she meets could ever measure up to the man that he was. When a woman has experienced being with a man, such as Chris Kyle, it would be tough to be with anyone else. There's no comparison.

Yes, I can relate.

I was strictly friends with a man who seemed to be of Chris Kyles character, in the 5 years leading up to my divorce. 
NO
I never once cheated on my ex with this guy. Even if I had been willing, he wouldn't have gone along with it.
Michael was quite a lot younger than me. he was a USAF Academy cadet when I met him. We would walk around the AFA Visitors center talking about everything. He was from Peach Tree, Georgia.

Soon after my divorce was final, January 2, 2007, he called me, right out of the blue! A mutual friend had relayed information to him that I was now single. He was using a satellite phone somewhere on the other side of the world.
He arranged to come to Colorado on his R & R. He wanted to take me on a cruise or meet me in Europe. I was working as a contractor for SAIC at the time. I couldn't just drop my life and leave. The contract was supposed to run until July, it was over $20. per hour with 12 hour work days. 

I HAD to do this. Start re-building my life, my financial savings after the devastation of a divorce that I wanted, yet, in hind sight, I realize, I was not fully prepared for.

So, he arranged to come to Colorado to see me. OMDG! I was so elated, excited.........and scared to death! There were definitely sparks that flew between us that we both ignored, since I was married. We both kept it in check.

Now, he was coming to see me.

OHHHH! 

I was living in a beautiful town house. 2 bedrooms, 1.5 BA.  It had a fire place, beautiful view, a club house, pool, etc. It was dangerous to have him stay with me.

I was going to do it, anyway. 

The SAIC contract was POORLY managed, so, it ended in March, anyway. I wasn't upset at all!

When I picked Michael up at Denver International Airport, we would have the time,having lunch at my very favorite, Old Spaghetti Factory, then the 1 hour plus drive to Colorado Springs, to settle in, talk, get, re-acquainted. I would use that time to compose myself.
He knew how I felt about sex outside of marriage,that I felt it was not for me, he respected that. I was happy about that, however, could I hold to that when I was single, free to do whatever. YIKES!

I had my signage ready, to welcome him to Colorado, my nerves were jumping! 

He came through the doors leading into baggage claim..............OMG! Did he look good! Smelled good, even after his long flight. He didn't even look tired. A bit tanned, a bit more buff. I was in trouble!

He was 27, I was almost 47. It didn't matter when we were together. I was overweight, he was not!
Still, the sparks were there. 

Crazy, fun, sweet, delicious TROUBLE!!!!

We got to my car, which was a moss green, mimi-van, a Nissan Quest. He busted up laughing! I asked him what was so funny. He simply replied:

"Give me the keys little lady, I'm gonna have some fun in your mama van!"

Of course he was going to drive! I loved it!

Michael's visit was wonderful, sweet, fun, full of surprises. We talked about what our life was going to be like.Then having a couple kids.
WHAT?
I hadn't thought of that.
I was still very fertile. YES!
2 children, then, a tummy tuck for me!

He slept on the sofa during his visit. We tried sleeping in my bed, together, ended up making out all night, too much temptation, plus, we didn't get any sleep that first night. He needed some sleep.

The second night, we both slept separately. I heard him snoring softly, so adorable! I woke up at 5 am, went to the gym for a workout, my usual habit. Then, I went to the Peterson AFB Commissary, to shop for groceries while he slept. After that, a trip to the Liquor store. 
Mm Hmm.
He was a Jameson kinda guy.
A-10 pilot, Alpha male, Georgia gentleman, smart as a whip, ripped, one woman man, kinda guy.

To me, the same cloth Chris Kyle was cut from.

When I was in the liquor store, I heard someone talking. He sounded just like Michael, who was supposed to be sleeping!
It WAS HIM!
This man was so full of it. In a good way.
When he saw me, there was his grin. he grabbed me & kissed me, right there! I saw some 20 something chikkies give me hate stares. GOOD! Loved that! he was definitely mine.

He had taken a taxi to the liquor store on Peterson AFB, hoping to surprise me when I got back home. He definitely surprised me, yet, not in the way he had planned. Things don't always happen the way ya think they will, yet, they happen as they're supposed to.

Over the next few days, we talked, laughed, made out a lot. He told me that he was saving up his combat pay to have my dream house built anywhere I wanted it. WOW!

This was REALLY HAPPENING!

He wanted to give me the beautiful wedding I had missed out on when I was married the first time. My ex-huzz was just too much of a selfish asshole to give that to me.
Michael, in all his alpha-ness was kind hearted, sensitive to my needs, desires.

Before he left, he told me I was going to marry him, he was going to knock me up twice, then, we were going to have the all American dream. I was so ready for him! 
He was a man with a plan. 
He bought a couple web cams for us so we could be together in that form after he left to go back to the Middle East.

We were in touch almost every day. I was in Heaven with this wonderful man. He was not even embarrassed when we were on cam & one of his buddies came in, telling he was beyond whipped. He would grin, then, tell the guy, "You know it!"
In August he told me things were getting heavy, that he may not be able to get internet for a week at a time.
I understood.
Then, the whole month of September passed.........no Michael.
No 3 am phone calls.
Nothing.
Finally in October, I got the phone call from his mother. He had been shot down, they were working to recover his body.

I hung up the phone, screamed & cried until I fell on the floor, exhausted. 
he was gone.
he was dead, I felt dead, inside.
I cried all week after that.
Panic attacks were the only constant in my life for the next 2 weeks.

I laid on my bed alternating between sobbing, sleeping, sobbing, sleeping. Have had many spiritual experiences. 
I actually saw angels at my bedside trying to comfort me. There was no comfort. I wanted to die of my broken heart so I could be with Michael.

Time passed by, slowly. I didn't talk to anyone about him. I wandered around the USAFA Visitors center, remembering. I rode horses from the stables through the USAFA trails. I lost 40 lbs of grief weight.

Nothing mattered until finally, I started to feel, again. I had to live, for me, Michael would have wanted that.

This morning, listening to Taya Kyle speak of Chris, brought me to think of Michael. Gone in body, always remembered. 

Yes, I know, very well, a bit of what she's going through.

Today is Memorial Day, remembering Michael is very relevant.

At the Pioneer Cemetary, today, during the annual memorial service, I will remember you, Michael, my love.

Gone in body, always remembered.

TMI

Yeah, well, I'm a non P.C. person by nature. What is T.M.I.???

Google it :)

In a world where so many people are fakes. Hiding behind a computer on Yahoo IM, Facebook, Skype chat, as well as on apps. Tinder,

Snap Chat, texting etc.

A fem friend I know has IMed with a guy for 3 years! She has such a crush on this guy who she has never met in person. So sad. I asked her why she has not met him irl. She was unsure why. She only said that he was so cool, so much fun. WTH? better to get it real or keep it real.

Maybe I'm missing the faker gene. Maybe I have the down to earth gene. Maybe Lucky :)

I'm very genuine. My feelings are real because I let myself feel. Also, I eject fakers before their gnarly faker roots have a chance to wrap around my mind, wrap around my heart, then dig in. Wrapping their tentacles of fakery, player technique around my mind & heart.

Nip that faker shizz immediately if not sooner.

As a newly single girl in 2007, I allowed the online/app fakers to fool me. Yupp. I allowed it, that's an admission of guilt. Truly, I allowed it. 

Now?

My BS tolerance is quite low. The seemingly cat fishers, the married guys who are trolling the internet, the "too good to be true". Ha ha ha ha ha. Nope. Wiser, now, after the experiences, the pain.

Much wiser. More willing to iggy if something seems wrong.

Oh, there are some slick lil players out there who could probably fool me. It's a bit tougher to fool me. NOW.

So, ready for the T.M.I. of this blog post? 

Really?

You can laugh. Laughing is good! Laughing is even encouraged!

Love to help everyone! It's difficult to restrain myself, have learned when to let it run, when to reel it in
Hate nose hairs, I rip 'em out every night
In 2004 my BMI was 55 (22, now)
When I eat papaya, my poop smells like flowers.

When juicing fresh beets, my urine is red!
3 marriage proposals since 2007, I'm too scared to marry again.For now.
Married & divorced once. He was abusive, controlling, horrible.

The numbers 666 & 13 creep me out.

Military guys turn me on, especially SF, SO, GB (smart single ones!)

Love my breasts! They are 34D, natural, love that feature 

Cilantro gives me deja vu

I do everything to my own hair, cut, color, etc. No one else touches it. Am very picky about my soft, baby fine hair.

Love taking care of my feet, my hands. Mani/pedi, o yeah!

My body temp runs very high

Metab is very slow

My weaknesses as of today are Pringles SC & O, and Cheez it crackers, it may change tomorrow

Too many clothes

Too sensitive for my own good

Have learned to handle abandonment issues, mostly

When I fall in love, I stay in love with that person, it stays in my heart.

Am an anti clutter person, I throw out constantly

Like to drink. Very seldom, do, still like it.

Am very aware of my surroundings, I see guys, even a few women checking me out every time I'm out of the house.

I love deeply, feel deeply, when I hurt, I hurt deeply
Have a wicked sense of humor, love the shock value this has!

******************************************

Enough.

That was TMI.

Namaste

         

Slices of Heaven!

First & foremost, I am a vitamin C junkie! If it has concentration of vitamin C....I will love it! Watermelon, carrots, red, yellow & orange sweet bell peppers, oranges, strawberries, blue berries, raspberries, mangoes, avocados!!!! .....and papayas! Love, love love a good papaya!

When I lived in Hawai'i, the males on Hickam AFB hounded me so much, there were even a couple of times the guys attempted to gang rape me. SCARY! 
So, as an E-2, my commander gave me BAQ & ordered me to move off base and to NOT disclose my address to anyone, for my own safety. There were 2 very cool, very mature guys I knew who needed a room mate to share a large house with them 12 miles from base in a gated community. PERFECT!
That was when I discovered that SOME guys could be decent human beings. There was a papaya tree & a banana tree in the back yard. So, I also discovered papayas! YUM!
When the first 3 became ripe, me & my roomies each had one. I was hooked! Hawai'ian papaya has a very distinct taste from those from Mexico, Peru or Costa Rica. I like it better.
Ya know what is said about pizza, sex or beer. Yup. Even if it's not that great, it's still pretty dam good! Same goes for papaya in my opinion. 
Papaya is a slice of heaven to me. Usually, the ones from Mexico are not that good. They are pale in color, less flavor. If the tree was in less rich soil and/or the tree received less water than it needed, the fruit will be a bit dry, slightly bitter, somewhat bland.
Today, this papaya is the bomb.com!
Juicy, bursting with flavor, pure, natural ~ delish!

Vitamin C is so powerful. It keeps inner organs healthy & strong. Causes collagen production in skin to give a person that "glow" of health, of vitality. Vit C also boosts a bodys' immune system, fighting off illness, depression, even causing calcium to work double duty to strengthen bones. So, if I am addicted to pure, natural forms of vitamin C, it's wonderful!
I'm juicing exclusively 3 - 4 days per week. It's quite amazing. Vegetables only.
Mostly cucumbers, ginger root, carrots, bell peppers, broccoli, spinach, green beans, sweet potatoes, cauliflower, herbs.

I found that from a base of juicing 4 cucumbers with ginger root, the silica is highly concentrated in cucumbers. i have been doing this nearly every day since the end of  February. In addition to that, 1 lb of fresh carrots sometimes with ginger root, sometimes without. The vitamins in just these 2 vegetables are so very nourishing, make me feel fantastic!

Today, I had a bit of a sweet tooth, so, papaya super jazzed my taste buds. 
Oh, yeah, I have broken down slightly for some occasional processed sugar, yet, not near as much as I used to. I find myself feeling a bit of "brain fog" the next day, a sugar hangover!
Yup! Sugar hangover is a very real feeling, a very real condition, I have felt it. Remembering that I basically felt like crap after indulging out of habit, in processed sugar, I bought papaya instead of chocolate. Instead of York Peppermint Patties, on sale after all!
The papaya took me back to the first taste I had of this wonderful fruit.
The papaya also centered me in this day, here, the now. In the reasons why I'm striving for greater health, a more fit body, clearer thinking mind. The mouth is the gate-way to the body.
It's more than just a juicy, delicious treat, it's a helper to greater health. Baby steps. Little by little.

Whenever you put anything in your mouth you are feeding disease or you are allowing the power of nourishment to fight premature aging, disease, obesity, diabetes and just generally feeling like crap! 

I say, nourish the body, nourish the mind!

Namaste

StairMaster Rhythm

It's a wonderful wet, rainy, Texas night. Love it!

I love Texas!

I worked in the insurance office all day, today. The receptionist/2nd agent left at around 5 pm. With all the heavy rain, hail & strong winds, the insurance office was busy. 
It's a small & growing office, the owner, a really wonderful woman, has 2 small girls, I think they are 5 years and 7 years. So smart & adorable. I love being around them. 
Once I was "off the clock" it was play time. I colored in a coloring book with one. She became restless, so,joined her sister in another room to watch a Shrek movie. I went in, sat on the floor, the younger one soon snuggled into my lap. When the movie ended, we, then did some origami paper folding. A bunny face, a shirt.
Soon, their mom was done with work, it was time to go.
I love children. Children & animals love me.

What does this have to do with the StairMaster?

Absolutely nothing.

Just sharing part of my day with you, love.

The StairMaster is still quite a challenge, to me. Every time I make it through 20 minutes, I feel a flood of accomplishment.
It's a killer!
The default speed is 3. Too slow. Have to have at least 4. Depending upon what song is playing on my Mp3, I will up the speed as high as 12. Yup.
A funny thing happens when I'm on the StairMaster. The rhythm of stepping, the rhythm of the music, the attitude in the music, it all causes this movement to start. Not to be a perv, yet, my hips start moving as a girls hips do during sexual intercourse. The smooth, slinky, in & out movement starts. Pics of me or looking at myself in a mirror is a least fave of mine. Just see it as a moot event.

So, this morning, yup, at 6 am, I was on the StairMaster, stepping. Listening to a song that has a very distinct rhythm. I never knew the title or who the group was until now. That's irrelevant. The rhythm. That's relevant. I love the song. When I love the song, I raise the speed. When I raise the speed, my hip movements become more rapid. 
I love the feeling!!!
The rhythm of hip movement, the muscle development I feel! 

Getting lost in the music, the movement!!!!!

Love it all!

Then, there's the sweat, the boo-tay burn, the tightness in my abs. rawr.

The rhythm of the elliptical was wonderful......moving on, the rhythm of the StairMaster is equally wonderful, even exhilarating! Still, a challenge, for now.

After StairMaster, strength training, pilates, then, and only then, get ready for the day!

Fitness is awesome!

Getcha some!

Namaste!!!

PASSION!

What is your passion?

or

What are your passions? Plural

There are so many, it's tough for me to choose one. Number one, for me, used to be sewing, followed very closely by needlework, cooking, organizing, learning languages, horses, dogs........and babies!

Have to admit, I was in, what my dear friend calls, "the fog". It consists of a woman's desire to bear children over and over and over. Lots and lots of sex to create lots and lots of  BABIES! I wanted 10. Am quite sure this strong desire I had, to keep having babies, scared the hell out of my ex, ha ha! One feeling of gratitude I have toward him is that he stopped me at 4 babies.

A constant in life, right now, for me, is change. Continual evolving change. My passions, now are very different than they were, even a year ago.

A year ago, I loved to cook, to bake bread. I worked out, yet, not near as much as I do, now. Even a year ago, since I was unemployed, I went to bed late, woke at around 10 or 11 am, okay, so, many times, 12 noon or 2 pm! I didn't have to be anywhere unless I had a doctors appt in Dallas. 

I worked out whenever. Every day, but, just whenever.

Now?

My passions are fitness! Yoga! Dance! Pilates! Organizing! I still love needlework & sewing, yet, it's not so much a passion as it is the memory that it used to be my passion.

Living in a new home with all contemporary furnishings is a fresh air feeling. Renewal, invigoration.

Groovy, lol!

Having fitness as my #1 passion is definitely good for the body, good for the mind.

Go, find your passion! Live it fully, share it with others, with the world!

Namaste

Beaten up, Beaten Down

I'm being positive, well, mostly.  

Most days the job is fine, the people are fine, the co-workers are fine. The job is a diificult one to learn,as an Optician. For me, it's been like climbing Mt Fuji every day. It made me wonder if I have a learning disability. Seriously, I wondered if I was dislexic, or had early Alzheimers or just wasn't smart enough to understand the concepts.
Wrong on all three.
It's simply a difficult job, a large amount of information, processes, computer sims........thrown at my brain for the last 8 months.
Add to that, I am way older than my co-workers, chronologically, that is. They assume that I don't know about trends, mind-sets of people in a different generation from me. They seem to want to put people of different ages into the neat little stereotypes that applied 10 - 20 years ago, which quite often, don't apply now. They seem to believe that I will automatically know about things that went on during the 60s, 70s, 80s.

Stereotyping, ageist or age discrimination. So wrong!

Well........I was much too busy with my own life or isolated from the information around me to have paid attention to world events or trends during those eras. I know who Ariana Grande is, I listen to her. John legend, Justin Bieber, Great Big World, Nicki Minaj, Robin Thicke. I study the latest dance moves, practice them so that I'll keep it fresh if I hit a club.

I also know who Mozart was, yes, who he really was, as a man, as a person. As well as Vivaldi, Rachmaninoff, Bach, Chopin. Yes. I studied their lives, studied their music.

I work out every day, take vitamins, try new & different heath practices all the time. I feel as if I am 20 although I won't dress as if I'm a teen ager. I'm vastly different, way more current from my peers. People tell me that all the time, they guess my age to be 20-30 years younger.
So,the ageist attitudes really piss me off. One person, in particular refers to anyone over the age of 30 as "old" or too old or waaay old school. She also refers to anyone under 25 as "not knowing anything". She's been doing it since we started training last September. I call her out every time she does it. It doesn't make a difference. She's 32, should know it is bad manners to judge & stereotype people based on their age, especially in a professional environment.

Ageist attitudes are accepted everywhere!
Better not mention race, religion or sexual orientation, though! You'll get bombarded with protests for that.
Call someone too old, too young to know very much or old school and you'll get away with it, for now. I Hope to see the level of ageist attitudal ignorance become just as unacceptable, someday.
We need a Rosa Parks to stand up & tell people to stop discriminating even if it's only with words based on a persons chronological age. Words can hurt just as much as other forms of abuse. 

Back to the job.

It's difficult, okay, ya got that. What is more difficult is that the manager, the one teaching myself & 3 other girls our job, she has been a Certified Optician and doing the job for 15 years. I have been only learning it for 8 months. When I have a question, I'm afraid to ask her. She won't answer my questions. She will only berate me for not knowing the answer. Then, she will tell me to go find the answer.
Well, dammit! If I KNEW where to find the answer, I would have gone and found it!

Today was especially difficult. I was alone in the store with people coming at me for spectacle orders, spectacle repairs, looking for conversation. From 9 am - 1 pm. I handled it, in addition to answering 3 phone lines, receiving faxes and DAMMIT! I needed to tinkle......badly! 
I'm on my lunch hour, I'm going back to work soon. The manager took over the patient I was working with when she came in at 1 pm. I wish she would have let me learn by helping me through the difficult process instead of taking over. Am sure she looked at me as incompetent. The manager was a bit P.O.ed that I didn't answer her call within 3 rings when she called at 12 noon, the height of the fray. UGH

So, I went from feeling like, "WOW! I can do this!" to "Aw, crap!"

When I get back to work and she has the "little discussion" she wants to have with me when I get back........back to feeling like I'm inadequate for the job.

UGH

*sigh*

Three hours later, work was over with. Took 4 sleep meds on the way home. Waiting to become sleepy enough to crash, let the day be over.

Good night.

*smile*

Hero

There are so many songs written about this one word, people use the word in many different contexts.

Flash dance - I need a Hero

Mariah Carey - There's a Hero

Enrique Iglesias - Let Me Be Your Hero

There was guy who i briefly messaged with who said - Feed that body, Hero. (umm,okay)

What is a hero?

A dictionary definition:

hero (noun) a person, typically a man, who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

So, was the unknown guy I messaged with comparing me to a man? idk. Sure hope not. I'm about as girlie as a girl can be. Yes, I work a lot, work out alot. have very toned arms & legs. getting my 6 pk, it's slowly coming in.

Still, I sure hope he didn't think I was a guy posing as a girl. 

My personal hero was, still is, my maternal Grandfather, Sherman Leroy Kendall. He passed on when I was 17. Ohhhh, how I miss him with every breath I take, with every beat of my heart. He was so wonderful. Curled up in a ball, laying in his lap while he read to me or napped, I felt so safe, so loved. Nothing could touch me, no one could hurt me. He was truly my hero. His influence on my life is still quite strong.

Maybe I simply long for a hero. Maybe it's why I have a fascination with military men. My favorite thing to do is to watch videos of them in combat footage, dancing like idiots to goof off. Interviews with them. 

They are only human, this, I know, yet their courage to go into their duties to this country that I love so much, willingly. They know that every time they go out, there is a chance they may not come back, yet, they still go. Running into the fray. What a turn on!

It used to be my deepest wish to have one of these in my life. To keep the home fires burning for his return. To be there among the women welcoming their heroes home. To greet him with a tight embrace, a good home cooked meal and days upon days of hot passionate love making. 

Spend the next few days letting him spoil me with his love & attention. Doing the mundane little things of everyday life that he longed to do while he was away. 

I wanted this so much.

That ship has sailed, I wasn't on it. I still get my "hero fix" from You Tube!

Today, my workout was good, it's always good. I noticed a new muscle in my delts that has formed! WOW! 

Maybe I'm my own hero. 

Going to feed the body.

Laters, y'all!

Negative or Positive?

Do you view life as negative or positive? Naw, not going to ask the glass question, as in half full or half empty.

LOA or the Law of Attraction is a natural law which is a natural law stating ~ 

"That which is alike unto itself is drawn"

"Ask and ye shall receive"

"Positive thoughts generate positive feelings which attract positive life experiences"

Although I'm less of a religious person, even in the Bible it states, 

"As a man thinketh, so is he." that goes for both genders. :)

Throughout my days, I notice people talking negatively instead of positively, if you listen you will hear it, too.

"Don't be late"
"You never know"
"It's not a bad thing"
"I won't be able to make it"
"There is never enough money"

The law of attraction states that talking & thinking in the positive creates a positive feeling around the person doing so. It's so simple. 
In order to be more positive, eliminating "don't", "not", "no", "never" from thoughts, speech, actions can improve the positivity, in effect, RAISE the vibration, the feeling around a person, felt by others. Effectively sent out into the Universe to bring to the positive thinker, whatever they focus on.
I started getting serious, living the LOA a few years ago, it's amazing what  a change it has made in my life.
Another suggestion made by the LOA is to make a visualization board. Put words, objects, even people that are desired on the board. The board can be made of poster board, wood, anything,really. It's placed where the person creating the board, can see it, preferably in a private space, such as a bedroom. 
Yep, I have had mine next to my bed where I can see it for a long time, now. It focuses of fitness & making money.
Here's another challenge. Ha ha. Yup, another. 
Inside your head, your own private thoughts, THINK POSITIVE! Talk to yourself, inside your head, the same way you would talk to someone you dearly love. It makes a difference.

Have you ever heard someone express that the "vibe" or "feeling" around a person or a place with positive or negative words? That the place has a positive or negative feeling?

LOA creates the vibe, it's what is actually felt!

On You Tube, Esther Hicks or Abraham Hicks has 2 - 7 hour long seminars (free) about the Law of Attraction or LOA. Some may write it off, yet, to deny it's existence is futile. It can be felt by people, even animals can feel the positivity or negativity.

Michael Losier wrote a short book that explains it simply, very concise, in layman's verbiage. It's quite fascinating, lots of eternal truths. Good stuff!  :)

The discussion can go quite deep, like most subjects.

So, the challenge, yup, lol.

Try to catch yourself using the negative words I listed above. Try to eliminate them from your thoughts, eliminate them when you speak, even typing/texting/messaging.
For just one day, phrase your words, your thoughts inside your head, in the positive.

Watch the changes! It takes time, it takes practice!

Get positive!

Raise your vibration!

Love, peace, happiness, ALWAYS!!

Namaste, baby!

Pure Love!

What does pure love feel like to you?

Does it heal? hurt? warm? confuse? excite? 

Or all of the above?

Pure love is a dizzy feeling like playing with soap bubbles then delighting as each new bubble emerges from the wand, created by my own life breath. Watching the transparent new entity emerge, then float away on the breeze or burst then disappear unexpectedly..........like love. *smile*

Today, I have a short day at work, only 8 hours. Had such an intense workout this morning, anything will be easy after that. In the focus of intensity, I realized that a part of why I love my workouts so much, I feel pure happiness in the pain & sweat of working muscles that are used less during my day to day life. Also, it feels like pure love. Serotonin uptake,maybe? The mini orgasms that occur for me throughout the workouts? Sweat-gasms, maybe? Ha ha! 

And peeps thought I was JUST working out to get a better body. :)

Many events throughout my day cause the "pure love" feeling. So far, today, I left my home at 5 am, the birds were singing! Got to the gym clear. The traffic lights seemed to be stuck on green. All 2 of them. lol. It's a small town, I live 3.5 miles from the gym. At 5:05 am, the gym was totally empty. AWESOME!

Grabbed my blue buddy (110 resistance band), anchored it under my arches of my feet, held on, stretched my hands up, as far as I could. I kept waiting for the vid class leader to say "welcome". Realized that I had forgotten to start the vid. lol! I had held blue buddy up for 5 minutes! What a rush!

After strength training, I climbed aboard the StairMaster for 30 minutes. O yeah! Left the gym feeling the fire! Super stinky, super jazzed!

So,after shower & mini primp, off to work.

It's going to be a fantastic, productive day. What surprises lay in store for me?

PURE LUV!

Getcha some.....

Oh, and.......

Namsate, baby!

Changing!!!!

Here I GROW!

Or shrink, maybe even compact? Better than implode or impact! ha ha!

Felt a need to change it up today, it is Monday, after all. Tomorrow will be Tuesday.

Then ~ WTF. 

Wednesday, Thursday Friday! Yupp.

So, today, someone had my StairMaster, the person on the elliptical next to me had the most annoying smokers cough. 
Workouts should be enjoyable, n'est ce pas?

So, I went back into the exercise room. It's semi-private. The door to the room is almost all window. Yeah, I can see people stand there, checking me out. Okay not just people, the guys at the gym. When I'm working out, I'm in my own head, nothing but a sport bra, yoga pants & a smile, easy to focus on the work out, iggy the watchers.
The strongest resistance band at the gym is the blue one. AKA to me as my blue buddy. Equivalent to 110 lbs resistance. While waiting the 3 minutes for class to start, I grab blue buddy, push HARD while anchoring the band in the arches of my feet, to raise my arms up as high as I can, stretching the band up, reaching as high as I can! Then, hold my arms up while waiting for the leader to say "Welcome".

Longest 3 minutes of my day! ha ha!

So, I decided to change it up, today. I went through the Yoga Burn & Firm when arriving at the gym, 30 minutes. Then 30 minutes on the elliptical, 3 miles at a level 10 resistance, no hands. Smokers cough got me. So I went back for 30 more minutes of Yoga Burn & Firm. The second go 'round, I got into plank, held it for the 3 minute wait for class to start.
Plank is doing great things for my abs.

Only 90 minutes is what I made time for a workout, today. People, ya have to MAKE time, if someone or something is important to you. If it's important to them, a person will make time for it.

People who wish to stay in your life will find a way if they truly want to be in your life.

Life is about change, I feel myself changing. Spiritually, physically. My body improves all the time. Stronger, leaner. Juicing is doing great things to heal scar tissue. I see it!

It's going to be a long day, full of possibilities, full of adventure. 

Feeling the love. Still.

Feel the love, peeps,feel my love for everyone, for the world.

HERE I GROW!!!!!

Strong & Fluid

Darcy Moffat leads this class.

Pilates, Strong & Fluid.

It lives up to the title!

It starts out like most Pilates classes, alignment, balance, the 100s. Reminding the other people to breathe. YES! The focus can be so intense that it's common for people to forget to breathe.

Some practice leaders are a bit dry, down to business. Many have a playful sense of humor. Hmm. Playful and humor are awesome!

Some things that Darcy says that are so funny during this class:

"Remember, belly button is not on vacation just because you're using your side leg."

"Now, you're getting your betty bodder."

"Am I up?"

"Are ya' yelling at me to get into plank & work with you, yet?"

The class is quite intense. Darcy offers 3 position options, for those at different levels. One of the many exercises is to get into bridge position, then, raise the left leg, point the toe & rotate the foot inward, then move the leg as if drawing a little circle on the ceiling, 16 reps, then reverse direction, 16 reps. Repeat with right leg.

Another is to get into plank, rotate into side plank, come back to plank, bring left foot forward next to left hand, bring right foot forward to tap back of left leg, then repeat on the opposite side with opposite arms & legs. 6 reps each side.

There's a lot more, you get the idea.

The end of the practice is back, into child's pose for 1 minute, then to hold plank for 45 seconds.

I cheat.

I stretch my back in child's pose, then go into plank while the class is still in child's pose, holding plank for 170 seconds, sometimes, 180.

Love this practice, it keep me strong, flexible, after it's over, I go into forward fold with the palms of my hands flat on the floor in front, holding it for 3 minutes, shimmying my abs & hips to reach as far as possible.

I hope to eventually get the flexibility level to bend over in front, knees straight with elbows resting on the floor.

That's me.

Namaste

Love Is In The Air!

I feel it!

Yup. Ha ha! There's a feeling today, maybe it's just me feeling it. Maybe it's all the romantic, innocently sweet music that's been on continual play in my home.

Disney love songs.

Makes my heart so light, makes me feel the sweet innocence of an earlier time when life was so different from now. I can go back to that feeling, I can feel that way, again, I'm feeling it, now!

Wanna go to Disney World with me? Pack a bag! let's go! tick-tock!

Let's have lunch in Cinderellas Castle, ride the rides, eat funnel cake, get a bit sunburned, feel the love, the friendship, the joy!

Then, find a warm sandy beach, build a sand castle together, play in the water, run on the beach!

I'll meet you there, love. 

GO!

Margaritaville!!!

It's definitely not 5 pm, here! At 5 pm, I was at my 3rd job, laughing & joking with the girls I work with. Such a fun group! It's definitely a Strawberry Margarita night, though!
Storming, thunder, lightning, pouring rain.
My day started at 4 am, is only now winding down.

Having raised 4 children with an abusive male as their father bites me in the butt all the time. A man teaches his children how to treat their mother by the way he treats her.

The disrespect they still show which they learned from him is unacceptable to me. It's something I can't tolerate. If  I have to move on, into the future without them in my life, so be it. it's what I'm already doing, anyway. There will be only me, building a good life, my self respect intact.
My youngest daughter is the only one of 4 I have a solid relationship with, have to love, cherish what I do have. She wants it all to be perfectly rosy. Well, it isn't and it won't be until the people I poured my life into for 24 years show the respect that such a sacrifice deserves. The sacrifices a mother makes so her children will have a happy childhood for a bright future.
The long conversation with my daughter, tonight, was only going in circles, it needed to be put down, lol.

Time to mix up a strawberry margarita with some awesome imported tequila & drift into bliss. :)

Lately work has been a bit easier. There was a fantastic compliment paid to my newly learned Optician skills. A certain gentleman came into the vision center 2 weeks ago with an old & battered pair of spectacles. He had fallen asleep wearing them, then rolled over on them & most likely stepped on them.

HOLY SCHLAMOLY!

I love a challenge. It took some very concentrated effort to fix those specs.

He was so amazed that I could fix them. He called the hot line to express his appreciation, his joy & amazement. I got some serious KUDOS at work!
My feelings about being an Optician were a bit iffy, still are somewhat. It's nice to be acknowledged, to be appreciated.

Having a flower lei from Hawai'i, sent to my dear friend, then seeing her express her absolute delight, her appreciation. It's these sweet expressions of joy, of appreciation that make life sweet, for me!

Right now, am going to appreciate a movie on my LCD Smart TV and this big, cold margarita.

CHEERS!

Can men & women be just friends?

Am sure you have heard this query many times. You may have even asked yourself this question or may have tried to be "just friends" with someone of the opposite sex from you. 

It can work, however, both people must be at a maturity level at which they can suppress any chemistry, any physical attraction that may be there. All for the sake of truly preserving a friendship.

No, I'm not talking about the bullshit FWB or FB. Those are bullshit lures which are used out of selfish gratification needs. Talking actual friendship, here. Anything that would be considered illegal or inappropriate between blood brothers & sisters is not really friendship. 
Yeah, my BLOG, so, my opinion.Ha ha.

When a girl and a guy have been involved sexually, then one of them wants to be "just friends", that's bullshit. 
Ex says "Let's be friends" = Let's never talk again or I can call you if I need to get laid.

Funny, none of my girlfriends (straight or otherwise) have ever tried nor expressed a desire to penetrate my parts with theirs. The guy would have to have an uber understanding buddy who would suck his dick out of love for him as a "friend."
In my experience, the only time a guy wanted to stay "friends", was when he felt that his ex would be handy as a back up hook up when his dick got hard or when she was sad & horny, she could call him.

NOPE

That's not only unhealthy, it's unhealthy and unfair to both people.

For a long long azz time, I was "just friends" with a very cool guy. There was sexual tension between us, there was chemistry. Both of us refrained from acting on it. That was a true friendship.

There was a time in my life when I had a slight re-connect with a guy I'd had a huge crush on a long time ago. For me, it was more than a crush. Long after we went our separate ways, I thought of him, dreamed of him. Spent 10 years writing a book, yes, an actual book about him to rid myself of the feeling. It was cathartic for me. After the book was finished, he and I got back in touch.
I was married, he was married, so, in my heart & mind, it wouldn't go further than phone conversations.
For me, it was simple curiosity about the man he was, the man he had become. That was all.

Have been told that I have a sweet, soothing, sexy voice. I speak, the sound emerges, just my voice.
Also, am a nice person, which some guys interpret as being "into" them. Being into them or simply enjoying a conversation, if a guy is married, that's it for me. 

So, "the guy" asked if it was okay for him to call me from time to time as a friend. It was a happy moment for me. We could not be more than friends especially with the distance separating us, very safe.
He and I talked every other day about politics, religion, life, kids. At one point, when I made a very forthright statement about a particular female politician being more smart than pretty, he burst out in surprised laughter. He told me that he liked me better, the way I am, now. I told him, I have always been this person, that he just didn't get to know me back then.
He paused, then said, "Well, I'm not going to leave my wife.!"

WHAT????

It was a very alarming, very shocking statement, to me. There was not even a thought of either one of us leaving our spouses, in my mind, in my intent. Never. It offended me deeply to have him think I was of such a low caliber.
After him making such a presumptuous statement, I had to let him go. Disconnected the call.
We didn't speak again for a week. It was a relief. I was also a bit disappointed that this man who was so human, so genuine, could believe that my intention was so dishonorable.

The next time we spoke, when he made the same presumptuous statement, he told me he wanted to meet me in person. That was a scary moment. 
It was followed by, "But I'm not going to leave my wife."
ARRRRGGGGH!
I was ready.
"Well, please don't worry, if we DO meet in person, I won't chuck you under a table & try to have my way with you or EVER beg you to run off with me."
He laughed. I was serious.
All I wanted was to get to know him as a friend. Simple.

Some good things just end. Just as this did. Maybe SOME men & women can be friends, this guy had other plans which I would not have gone along with, ever.

Since then, I have learned that it's a tricky, sticky tight-rope balance for me, personally, to try to be friends with a guy. The guy has tried to make it into something else every time except for one exception.  If he's married, I will only be very slight friends with a guy if I am a close friend of his wife. Best to avoid temptation or inspiring temptation in someone else.

Work, for me, at both jobs, is an all female environment.  It seems so much easier to be able to be myself without any sexual tension or fear of someone misreading my actions or meanings.

Fast!

This is day 4.

It feels great.

Light

Free

Almost surreal.

In my quest for a higher level of fitness, I started this juice fast. It will last all of  May & June. I thought I would feel empty, hungry, weak. It's only day 4, yet, I feel energized. Lighter. It's a great feeling.
Compared to 3 years ago, my abs are flatter, more sculpted. As many fitness bugs know, abs are partly made in the kitchen. What the person working toward a 6 pk has to do is to consume a very clean intake of protein, veggies, as little sugar as possible. That includes eliminating natural sugars in fresh, fruit, wine, as well as processed sugars.

So, on Friday, I bought a weeks worth of juicing vegs. 25 cucumbers. 15 lbs of carrots. 12 sweet red bell peppers. 7 large tubs of organic baby spinach. 6 fresh yams. 5 fresh beets, 4 bags of kale and a partridge in a pear tree. ha ha.
Just kidding! 

Having doubled my workouts to a morning AND an evening session, now, juice fasting. This may be the extra push to get my 6 pk again.

Lean

Strong

Sexy

Set the TSA sensors off  with abs of steel!

I had those abs when I was 20, living in Hawai'i, walking almost everywhere, swimming in the ocean, running on the beach. Every day.
The feeling of tightness in the muscles between my hip bones has returned. Feels soooo wonderful.
It spurs me on. Motivates me. 

Proving to myself.

Had it once.

Can have it again.

Feel as if I'm growing younger.

As  if I'm 20 again with all of the wisdom of now.

Time for sleep.

It does a body good!

Stay Focused on The Positive!

This is how I live. By staying focused on the positive.

No

I mean, it's WHY I'm still alive. Suicide is a strong vein which runs through my family, my genetics. The people in my family are prone to depression, substance abuse, suicide, obesity.

YAY!

GO, ME!

Having studied psychology a lot, studied causes of obesity, Studied people who have beat their tough genetics, I thought, I can do it, too! For the most part, I have. 

These have helped:

~ Focusing on positive ways to phrase the self talk in my head
~ Avoiding the word's, "don't", "not", "no", "can't" as much as possible
~ Speaking to myself as I would speak to someone I love very much
~ Using non-food rewards for myself such as a mani/pedi, a walk around the lake, a road trip!
~ Keep a thick 3,000 page joke book for laughter when depression tries to set in
~ Observe the world around me, find a person I can help anonymously, then do it!
~ Get enough sleep! I go to bed at around 9:30 every night as much as possible.
~ Juicing! Macro dense nutrients are fantastic brain food! 
~ Plant something, anything! Flowers, herbs, even a small patch of grass! It's wonderful to watch a plant, grow, knowing that I am a part of what brought a seedling to life.

Something else I noticed is that many of the women in my family get a thrill from being mean to others. Any other person will suffice as a victim, quite often it's a family member. 

Through observing this behavior, I was able to squelch it back in 2005. Also learned to avoid female family members when they seem to be looking for someone to burn. It seems to stem from deep insecurity, maybe even sub-conscious learned behavior. Anyway, I learned to recognise that behavior in myself, then obliterate it from my personality.

In modern terms ~ Don't be a hater! lol

Part of the difficulty facing me is in being alone so much.Used to dread it, hate it. Gave me a ton of anxiety, no bueno,baby. :)

Have learned to embrace this alone time as a time to work on self. To meditate, to study, to learn, to work on spirit & mind.

Of course, exercise is a GREAT cure for many things, it stops short at a cure for everything, yet, like beer & pizza, like sex within a committed relationship, like chocolate......even when it's slight, it's still really, really good!

Workouts are doing things for my body that also improve my mind. When I say workouts, for myself, what I'm referring to are the long, intense kind! The ones that leave me drenched in sweat, smelling like a gym, looking like hell, afterward!
Then, the all day burn. Makes it so worth pushing myself so hard, it makes my muscles twitch until the next workout. A thank you from my body to my mind for so much effort!

Weak lil exercise is for some others, intense is the only way I want it. 

Workouts keep me happy, focused, depression free (mostly) plus, making my skin more sensitive as I have burned off layers of fat, so that I feel my shirts/blouses brushing against my ab muscles, as it has made my skin INFINITELY more sensitive to anything touching it. 

Is this some thing to be happy about?

Ab-so-effing-lutely!

Have yourself a lovely day!