Here it is......and......I'm back

Just like the Trisha Yearwood song, the song remembers when.

All that needs to happen is to hear music from different times in my life and.....WOOOOOOSHHHH! I'm back there again.

*******************************

All the emotions all of the feeling

I go back in time I'm reeling

The heart is funny and so mild

Ribs are cages as they can be wild

Tears and the memory of the pain

Outside is sunny in my heart there's rain

Bleeding love plays on and on

I'm so happy those days are all gone

*********************************

Perhaps the reason I keep moving forward, constantly discovering new music, new movies, new tech. The newness acts like a vortex that keeps me moving forward, well, mostly.

The present and I will even wager that the future is way better than anything from my past.

Still, when I have a random encounter with music, photos, anything that was significant during different times in my life. I let myself slip back there, yet, just briefly. 

Look who's getting married!!!!!

Ahhhh l'amour!

J'adore l'amour!

It's out there, I have a romantic personality, a free spirited personality. I LOVE weddings! I LOVE the public declaration of 2 people who love each other, declaring that love in front of as many witnesses as will attend to share their joy.

So, yes, I love weddings.

I also love giraffe's, elephants, goats & little pink piglets. I love them! However, I prefer to love them away from my home. As in, I don't want one of my own to take home to care for. 

Do ya feel me?

I love weddings, going to them, sharing the happiness, the dancing, good food, celebration. It's a contact high!
Attending a wedding does not make me long for my own or what the 2 people share.
It's NOT that I don't want that for myself.
It's that I am content in my life. 
If it happens again for me, I'm fine. 

If it doesn't I will cry, scream and ruin every wedding I attend!

JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!

All of my needs are more than met, I'm very grateful for the happy life I have. 
Anyone or anything would be in addition to my happiness!

It does, I say with great sadness, it does break my heart that I was excluded from 2 of my children's weddings, only finding out after the deed was done. Their wedding.  It hurt very deeply. 

Soon, my bff Texas has a precious daughter who will be getting married. 
I am SO HAPPY for her! 
So excited for her beautiful wedding.
She is a tall, willowy, gorgeous girl!
She has overcome some tough obstacles and has blossomed!
I have watched this sweet young lady go through some tough stuff.
I have thought of her, prayed on my knees for her, for hours!!!!!
Looks like my prayers have been answered!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This sweet young lady allowed me to be there as she tried on wedding dresses. I watched her. 
Shed a few tears as she chose her wedding dress. She looked like an angel in her wedding dress and veil. I was so happy to be there.

It didn't make up for being excluded from my own children's joy in their celebration of marrying their love's. It did come very close!

After the day that this sweet girl chose her dress, all of us went out for a celebration dinner. IT WAS EPIC!

Two of my daughters included me in their weddings. I will be grateful for that. 
My youngest daughter's wedding was so beautiful! She was the kindest, most gracious bride I have EVER seen. 

Two out of two are very good odds!

My own wedding to the ex huzz was  a double disappointment. First, the official wedding reception. UGH!
The sealing in the temple. Double UGH!
Everyone coerced me into going somewhere I didn't want to go.
It was just okay. Nothin' that gave me much joy.

The most joy I had, prior to, was to see my younger sister have her dream fulfilled as she married her soulmate in a beautiful ceremony. It was the most joy I had, on the day before, was that.

I look forward to the upcoming wedding. Anything they ask of me will be something I will delight in. 
Sharing in the happiness of their day!

Bienheureuse Solitude

When I am in my home in blessed solitude
Safe from the elements of today's worldly clime
All is soft all is sweet all is personally hued

Speaking to myself in several different ways
In French in English in Spanish and also in Deutsche
These are creative hours in which I choose to spend my days

Creative juices flow while my mind moves along
Influenced by sight by sound by thought
With freckles of momentary birdsong

The results are that of beauty created all by hand
With love with skill with original ideas
To send to a loved one who has the gift to understand

Solitude breeds creativity as my fingers move about
I would rather live alone in pursuit of this beauty
Than to be with someone whilst living without

Baby, one last time.

It's said by so many people to live in the moment, move forward, never look back. Try to be happy, bitterness is so unattractive.

While all of this sage advice is well intended, has a great amount of merit, I wonder what the actual life experiences of the givers of advice actually is. Has their life been easy? Have they ever had a bitter pill...……...or 50, to swallow?

From recent counseling appointments with a truly caring, excellent PhD Psychologist, I realize that, in life, I have been through a 100X bigger truck of crap than most people. Before, I hadn't thought about it. 
Now, I am realizing that I have been through hell & back.

Hell X 100, worked hard to get through it, managed to be sane.

A particularly hard, jagged, acid coated pill to take? 
Ex huzz loved rough anal sex. 
He nagged, begged & threatened until I gave in with great fear.
It hurt like hell !!!!!!!
TMI? 
Sorry, NOT sorry. 
I started having "problems" immediately after the divorce. 

What kind of problems?
Problems that I was constantly shitting my panties. My anal muscles were badly torn, weakened, damaged. His damage to me.

TMI? Still, not sorry.

The most humiliating part was explaining to the PA how my anal muscles became so damaged and scheduling the appointment for corrective surgery.
The compassionate doctor was very professional, still, I saw a couple tears roll down his face as I told him how it happened.
Paying off the loan to pay for the corrective surgery to repair the damage done to me, from rough anal sex that was practically demanded, by a stingy ex huzz was a REALLY bitter pill.

Especially when he proclaimed over & over how he ~
"Did more for me than he had to." for me.
Yeah, right.

Psychological damage took longer to recover from.

I KNEW ex huzz was paying me far less than he was supposed to. I knew that he thought I was so stupid that I didn't know how much I was supposed to be receiving from him. 
As a military spouse who supported his military career for 24 years bearing his 4 children, moving 18 times in 22 years.

I knew how much he was supposed to be paying me.

He always under-estimated me.

I wanted to preserve a congenial relationship for the sake of my four children who I love with all of my heart.

So, when people speak well of the ex huzz, I know of his deviant practices, his perverted ideas of what he thinks is okay. Yet, I remain quiet. Listening to my kiddos & others, praise him. 
BARF.

What goes through my thoughts?
Shitting my panties & expensive, humiliating surgery. 

I have a standing appt every Thursday with a top notch therapist. 
Slowly, oh, so slowly, I'm working through the combo of an abusive childhood, the multiple sexual assaults I was damaged the most in my life while serving on active duty in the USAF. 

Being able to live without fear of having an "accident" as long as the corrective surgery holds, is a comfort. When I see how obese the ex huzz has become & hear of his multiple health problems, I feel sorry for him. 
Karma is a bitch & sometimes it has puppies.

Puppies! I'm getting closer to being healed enough to adopt some real puppies of my own. The soft, warm cuddly type.

I'm so close. I'm almost healed. 

Life is getting better all the time!

Am I SOL?

The title, "Am I SOL?" is part statement, part question. 

Maybe I have been watching/listening to, too many psychology podcasts. Too many kumbaya you tuber geniuses. Maybe, I'm just fine.
I feel just fine. Feelin' grrrrroooooovy!

I hear the advice against things I do less of now, did too much in the past while I was processing, working to find my way.

I did a bit too much LDS in the 80s & 90s.  😁
Not so much when everyone except 1 person turned their back on me when marital problems started with the ensuing divorce.

Peeps!

I have felt so lost in the past. Oops, I did it again.

The wannabe psychologists on You Tube & various podcasts caveat:

Don't talk about the past
Don't talk about your ex (or exes)
Don't talk about your resentments about the past
Never admit your faults
Never admit to your fears
Talk about yourself as little as possible

Daaaaang, I'm screwed by those standards.

The dang thang is that when other people breach these pseudo psychological no fly zones, it awakens in me, the feeling, the sleeping emotion. That which I had not thought about for many days, weeks, months, sometimes even years! The tiger awakens.

Like Mary's kittle lamb, I trot along with them until...……………...
the same person who had been kvetching about some past or present event in their life, tells me to stop doing what they, themselves had started. Say whaaa?

While it all makes sense, human behaviors often don't.

In the recent past, I have made my mistakes, have made peace with my demons, have gotten to this point with more clarity, less damage.
It has been a journey of healing, self discovery. Also a journey 
of emerging from an emotional state of chrysalis, fighting my way out of the cocoon to emerge with new wings.
It was pain filled, oh, yes. 
Some semblance of growth is still yet to be.

For the most part?

Having learned that the "experts" fall short in defining everyone.

You define you
I define me
One size fits all is a myth

Be thelemic

Just roll around, you'll be alright!

Peace out

Part of the SOF world

I was born as a female. 

Although I served in the USAF in a male dominated career field, by my gender, I was prevented from even being considered for any of the Special OPs or related career fields.

This is NOT a wah-wah, woe is me, rant in a feminazi ilk.

No.

Because I was born as a female person, I LOVE being very feminine, girlie things, anything feminine in a good way. 
A good mani-pedi-wax, lotions, potions & exploring skin care options ~ YES!

Oh, I can be a bit of a bad ass, just a bit, love a sweaty gym workout. I wear gym clothes to be focused, not sexy.
I also love sportswear, sports equipment, yet, I detest pro sports or watching sports. GAG. Over paid, over protected a holes.
I'm speaking of a ratty gym T-shirt as sports wear. When I bought my first pair of Yoga pants, I was hooked!
Over priced, trendy sports wear is okay, I prefer the low end brands. 
They wear out faster, so, I can buy new, more trendy items at less cost.

This is less about fashion, more about attitude, I have that, too!
Attitude.

Like it was yesterday, I remember my first encounter with guys from the Spec Ops/SOF community. It was a shock to my brain!
It IS a community. A VERY tight knit, worldwide community.

I knew, yet, there was no lament, that I could not directly enter that profession. I might have been able to function as a medical professional who worked in conjunction. I might have been able to be an administrative person in an office.
Other options were to be a girlfriend or wife.

HAH! None of these guys would have given me a chance. They were so far above me, way out of my league. 
I knew it, sadly, I knew it. I did try, though. ☹️
I did some damage to my psyche, myself, from trying. 
That's a blog entry I will not write.

Having been associated with the military in multiples of capacities for my entire life, I have always been attracted to the strong Alpha males who were around.

There was always a longing in me to be a part of that world. Since I had married, had children, was ALWAYS a faithful wife, I could only sit on the sidelines by choice.

I would have been a BAMF if I had been born as a guy! As a female, I already have high T-levels.

Please keep in mind that I know that the personality of these guys has many variations. They may work together in teams to accomplish their objective or their mission. They can still retain individuality, creativity (as in art), somewhat sensitivity.
However, the many myths that girls like me know are only myths, are only suppositions made by fantasizing females! ha ha!

Some of the myths which I heard by simply listening:

Ops & Forces guys have a hardon 24/7. 
(It might be more like 23/7 or 20/5. Just messing w/ya! idk.)

They are all fiercely faithful to their wives, Gf's.
(Some, yes, some, no. They are human like everyone.)

They are all very smart, very intuitive!
(Part of that is selection, part of it is advanced training, experience)

They work out a lot to get those hot bodies.
(Many days, for them, ARE a workout, however, some workouts, yes)

They are never home or not for long.
(Define "home". Define "for long". It's all subjective.)

This is the short list of what I have heard, what I know. Have to keep SOME mystery! It keeps life a bit more sparkled! 
Although I have a few Ops buddies, I won't talk about it or them. It is absolutely true that loose lips can sink ships. Blabbing can also compromise.

I've said enough.

Wishing I could be more involved with that world, with that caliber of guys is just that. A wish. I am not even a dotted "I" or a crossed "T" in the fascinating stories that is the Ops/SOF world. 
I have to be content to admire the quick wit, intelligence, sarcastic attitude, confidence, even a bit of goof ball antics!

I can still wish.

All the single girls...

Guys! 

Read, if you wish, wherever I am, you are welcome.

My love for the chivalrous gender remains strong.

Single girls? This is dedicated to you, well, mostly!

Being very comfortable, happy, unfettered in my single life is a good life. A life of low to no drama (a little is cool, just a little!).

A life of serenity, peaceful existence with travel & sweet little sparkles of occasional excitement is how this girl rolls.

As well as sometimes rocks!

Life was very different for me 10 - 15 years ago.

15 years ago I was mostly unhappy in an abusive marriage.

10 years ago I was trying to figure out how to be single again after being married for a long time.

7 years ago I left Colorado where the abusive male had forced me to move to against my will with lies & manipulation to coerce me.

7 years ago I moved to Texas.

7 years ago, I had mostly, with great sadness, given up on dating or finding someone to love who would love me in return.

7 years ago, a male who I had nearly married at age 20, found me on the internet. He came back into my life just long enough to shatter my heart for the last time I would ever allow it.

7 years ago, the above mentioned, did me a favor, effectively killing my desire to have a guy in my life.

In the following 5 years I went through some serious difficulties due to the ex huzz manipulating finances as well as suffering from the effects of PTSD/MST. I was going without food for periods of time as long as a week, sometimes living on popcorn & oatmeal. I had to move from place to place within the town I live in, as my finances were being manipulated.

2 years ago, I experienced an improvement in my finances.

1 year ago I experienced Hawai'i as a tourist. 
Befo' time, lol, I either lived there or stayed at the home of a friend. I have to say, the amenities in the hotel room of the 5 star hotel makes me WANT a bidet! TMI. lol.

One thing I have learned in life is to (OMG so cliche'!!!) never say never.

So, I WILL say, that it is only a certain type of guy who could get into my heart, if there is one of these rare single guys. Those guys are very few, very rare. I have only met 3 in my entire life. 

*NOTE* It has zero to do with money, height, social status.

This certain type of guy is one who is feeling, caring, confident, intelligent, intuitive, a little sarcastic at times, it adds to his charm!!!!

He is rare, in my experience.

So! Single girls!

We all have our own path in life. Your path may be completely different from mine or it may be similar. I am grateful to, the one who I refer to as Mr. 2012, for effectively killing 99% of my desire to have a guy to share my life with. Temp or permanent.

His actions hu-urt like a BAMF!

All pain - All gain

He did a favor for me.

I became less needy, unfortunately my drive is fully intact, I know you know what I'm saying!!!

I became more immune to the liars, players, scammers out there.

Also?

I became a more peaceful person. More spiritual. More creative. 

Having always been a bit of a rebel, I became more of a free spirited woman. In mind, in body, I began to detect positive changes within myself.

Having always, for as long as I can remember, been very in tune with my body, that "in tune" became more "fine tuned".

"Things" began to shift, to change in many positive ways. My spirituality has always been strong, I became more spiritual.

Intuition has always been a HUGE part of me. It sharpened!

Although my desire to be creative left for "a time". It was always on a mental/emotional back burner, if you will.

Yes, it came back, too!

In time, I found myself counseling my single GFs in how to achieve this mindset that has brought me so much happiness & peace!

As much as I wanted to bottle it, give it, alas. 

It's too personal in nature. Very individualized.

Like any form of personal change, personal improvement, all creatures great & small must find it for themselves.

The facets of peace I have found are ones I offer to those who will listen as well as some who do not:
(It's a choice)

1. Let yourself adjust to living alone, standing on your own. Before you involve anyone else in your life, you must first be happy solo.

2. Get to know yourself. Ask yourself questions all day

a.) What do I like?

b.) What makes me feel happiness that has nothing to do with other people?

c.) What do I bring to offer a friend, a lover, a neighbor?

d.) Do I enjoy cold weather? Warm? Somewhere in between?

3. Get 1 hour of heart pounding exercise every day!

4. Clean up your diet if you have not, already. Eliminate sugar as much as possible, eliminate fast food & processed food as much as possible. Eat a low salt diet that is as natural as possible.

5. At a minimum, straighten your bed covers every day.

This was the short list.

These are the facilitated changes I have made. 

Single guys? Are you still with me? These can work for you, too!

These are such simple concepts. In a personal desire to help others, I hope this helps those people (male & female) suffering in their loneliness which we all encounter from time to time.

Love, peace & excitement to you, you, you & you! 

Romance, Moonglow & Death

He's loved and feared by so many of us on earth
With each new day beginning with a sort of rebirth
His warmth his life giving revered reason to exist
Is something so many crave something hard to resist
His lovely lady of the night is as admired as is he
Her influence is so subtle such a mystery is she
His love for her is something too large to define
He dies each night with purpose to let his lady shine

A Hero For Today

On Thursday, May 9, I started feeling it. 

The "it" that will yield a 4 - 5 mini vacay from work. From life.
A person can stay in their bed for a week with no questions asked.

Also, sometimes a trip into as close to hell as many will get in this life.

It's the Influenza Virus. Fun - Fun. Not.

As I had to get out of my bed to change my sheets & take a shower to wash the sweat out of my hair & body. Everything was soaked.
Yucky!
Clean bed, clean jammies, clean body. Much better.

I fired up the smart TV when I saw a video about one of my favorite performers.

She was born to a white mother & black father. Her father walked out on both of them when she was only 2 years old. 

She lived in the worst part of New York City at the time.
Hells Kitchen

Many people have it rough as children, this girl had it rougher than most. She had a strong woman as her mother, a mother who loved her, encouraged her, nurtured and taught her. This is something that many mothers even in easier circumstances, fail to do for their child or children.
While some women do succeed, most do not.
Then, there's middle ground.

Ask me if I was a good mother?
I will say, "Yes, I was and am a very good mother. I taught my children as many life skills as I could. Against the odds of an unsupportive husband who pissed all over everything I did, yes, I was and am a very good mother. Against the odds of having a husband who undermined my parenting, yes, I was and am a very good mother.

Firing up the smart TV, I saw a 60 Minutes Australia interview with a strong woman for today.
G'day, mates! (I just had to!)
Alicia Keys

She writes inspirational songs. Not the "bitches & hoes" garbage that so many people are cranking out.
Alicia Keys writes about women, being strong women, which is what every woman has to be in todays world to keep from losing her common sense.
It's more about a decent strength. Praising the good males in her life vs the revolting man haters. She speaks of being strong while still having respect for the divine masculine's in her life.

Beautiful!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0H9UkHuVyM

(You might have to copy & paste)

Are you a polyglot?

This may not be the answer for another girl like me. I'm not on a soapbox telling how we all should be.
Michael McLean ~ Which part is mine.

***************************************************
Life can be a beautiful, very lovely, with so much magic
It can also be so hard then crumpling into something tragic
Life can be easy making many people unaware of why or how
Living in such comfort handed to them in the experience of now
The choices we make are what we do when we make our choice
Doing that which may bring heartache or cause for us to rejoice
The country a person is born into as well as the income in home
Will influence a child to stay connected or a strong desire to roam
****************************************************

Having been around the tree a few times, I am a people watcher. That is, I watch people. I watch the outcome of their daily choices. Watching this, it cues me as to ways to live life, as well a few pitfalls to avoid.

Do you watch people? aka People watch? I'm speaking more of the general watching with zero intent, VS the dreaded stalking!

I'm heterosexual aka straight. Even so, I can appreciate the beauty of a girl just as much as the attractiveness of a guy.
Beauty is beauty whether it's the human form, nature, human created art, architecture. It's all very beautiful, worth watching!

The internet is a great tool for watching everything. Although, I have to admit, my internet watching is unusual. I have a few methods that I use.
Being a polyglot, I use it to my advantage.

Searching on the internet in different languages will yield different results. Although learning Arabic, Korean, Mandarin or Japanese has never been my desire, that's okay!
Google translate is the biggest polyglot ever!
Using several languages to search the net is something I have done for a long time. I thought everyone did this?

Peeps! I'm a small town girl who got out of the small town  ~ way out! I'm average in looks, perfectly fine with it. 
However, where it truly counts? I'm way above average in smarts as well as compassion, empathy. Human kindness. That's me.

Whatever your methods are to keep life popping, keep it fresh, new, interesting, keep doing it!

LG

Life's Good!

While there is time

Who do you love?
What matters most to you?

These 2 questions. OMGoodness.

Having been on the earth for a short time, I can still see that these 2 questions are simple, they are also complex at the same time.

If you have had a "falling out" with someone aka a break up, a break down in communication, an argument, a misunderstanding, okay, enough info, lol!

Recently, I have had someone, who I had, had a disconnect with, contact me. He was humble, he was kind, sincere. His words melted my heart toward him. He is a friend, a close friend. No romance involved, a very strong connection. It felt very healing.

If you have had this happen, the best time to mend a broken heart, apologize, reach out with love, is ~

NOW

If you, yes YOU are reading this right now, this message is for you.

My mother was the same age as I am right now, when she died. She and I had a falling out. We neither spoke nor saw each other for the last 20 years of her life.
She was WAY too young to die.

The opportunity to make amends was lost when she passed on.

Hipocrisy is one of my pet peeves. Recently, I reached out to a loved one (taking my own advice!) who there has been no contact with since 2015. 
It was a risk, a chance for rejection, also a chance for reconciliation.
This person was so gracious as we spoke for over an hour. We renewed our relationship, there was a mending. It has put a sweet feeling in my heart, a greater peace.
It was something I neither expected nor could have predicted.

Take a chance, dear readers.

You will only know if you reach out to someone you still love.