Who am I? Who are you?

Do you know who you are? 

Oh, there may be roles that we fill such as mother, father, sister, brother, friend, neighbor, etc. Yet, those tell but a fraction of who a person is.

To know yourself with all of the roles you fill, all of your deep dark secrets. All of your joys, your hopes, your little quirks that make you who you are, is a semi-mastery of self.

What do other people see when they peruse you?

I know what has been said of me, as a person. The sincere compliments (which is what I mostly give credence to), the judgments by others who must be perfection to be able to throw such stones.

I have been a daughter, a student, a worker, a military Sgt, a mother, a friend etc.

People have pronounced me as:

A best friend

A girlfriend

A slut

A bitch

A sweetheart

A Jet whisperer

An intuitive

A very smart girl

A badass bitch

A tough cookie

A Queen of Follow Through

A kind soul

The list can go on and on. While I may be viewed by others using those terms, it still doesn't define me.

More recently:

A Mimi

A psycho 

(by someone who isn't very stable, himself, projecting, maybe?)

A MILF

A survivor

A sexy pixie (lol)

A sweet doll

An ungrateful person

A badass in the gym

A deep thinker

These terms are said of me, yet, they are only judgments made by others. Sometimes the harsh ones hurt, then, I consider the source.

I know who I am.

I am:

A descendant of Tatanka Yotanka or Sitting Bull

A kind hearted girl often misunderstood

A single girl who refuses to settle

A lover of warm blooded animals, not reptiles unless they are cooked properly, taste like chicken

A USAF Veteran working to get a claim approved

A mother of a hard working student

A dreamer

A lover, sometimes fighting for what I love

A survivor trying to make it in an unkind world

A lover of fitness as well as good health practices

A bit vulnerable at times, shh, don't tell

You know who you are, don't you? If you do, that's awesome-sauce! If you don't then start by asking yourself questions about what you like, where you have been. 

What is your hearts desire?

I know what my hearts desires are.

Not telling. :)

L8ers, baby.

A State of Being to Address

People often ask me if I'm single, then, the inevitable, "How can you possibly be single?"

Like, there must be something wrong with me that's hidden, which would explain my disease.

Yep, you read that right. People often speak of being single as a disease, whether it's themselves or someone else.

I prefer the term ~ 

"Independently owned & operated."

Personally? I am single because I won't settle like I did when I married the first time. I have had offers, yet, am less willing to give up, my freedom to remain a growing evolving free spirit.

As a married woman, I felt stifled. Everything had to be about him or he was unhappy and would freeze me out for sometimes 2 weeks at a time.

UGH!

So, at that time, I began losing sight of who I was, what I liked, what I disliked. I lost my identity.

Every time I began to grow & change, it threatened his sense of security, then, the freeze out.

UGH!

Being free, again, I felt a surge of energy, a surge of renewal, growth, change ~ DELICIOUS!

Having had some truly wonderful guys want me to enter marriage with them, I felt fear, panic, complete resistance to the the idea. All, except one. My archangel, my Michael!

This is not to say that I don't ever wish to marry, again. It simply says that I'm much more selective as well as less willing to put up with shenanigans!

So, the answer as to why I am remaining "Independently owned and operated" by choice is that I'm unwilling to settle a second time.

Freedom to do as I wish, when I wish, with whomever I wish, for the duration I wish to do it.

This freedom is an aspect that allows me to grow, change, to further develop on my path as a person.

Being a free spirit, such as, I am, is an aspect that every person should have whether married or not.

Spouses who keep the other in chains add a smidgen of poisonous stagnation to the marriage.

Better to be thelemic.

For now, I will fully enjoy being "Independently Owned and Operated" until someone happens into my life who is wonderful enough to make me wish to change that.

Not perfect. 

As I certainly am not, yet, perfect for me.

Enjoy your single status. ;)

Do you ever feel hopeless?

No whinychickness here. You're safe!

Mostly, I remain positive about life, about love, about all that makes up this experience called life.

Sometimes, just sometimes, things happen, life gets a bit bleak & I feel a bit hopeless.

Weary from all that is going on. Have been shouldering it for a long time, always alone.

I'm strong.

I'm still a soft, feminine girl.

Sometimes it, all, becomes too heavy, it's when I begin to lose hope. I want to cry, to sob.

It's of minimal benefit.

Tomorrow is always another day, so, I keep going, keep pushing forward, believing that life will get better, maybe easier? Maybe.

Please, send good, happy thoughts my way.

I need them.

Priceless!

As in, without price. It's becoming more scarce with time. Many people think they have it or don't care if they have it or not. Some people live with it as easily as breathing, as easily as swallowing.

This last category is the least common of all, sadly.

The people of the last category are keepers. When you meet someone who has it, keep them in your life as long as they wish to be kept. Let them leave your life if they wish to leave, yet, learn from them, treat them with kindness, with respect. Yank their chain occasionally, just for fun, yet, don't push their buttons very much.

You might risk losing them if you do.

That would be sad.

You would feel the loss for a long long time.

These scarce & wonderful people who have what I'm referring to will take being messed with in good fun, you can sparingly push their buttons. Yet, they have self respect. If they tolerate you, they love you very much, that, in itself is a precious thing.

They are unafraid to walk away from a person who treats them in hurtful, harmful ways.

These are the rare people in the world who have integrity in largess!

Dependability is rare in today's world. 

People who actually care enough to keep their word?

Very scarce.

Part of this sad state of being is due to the media, yet, people can choose. They have a choice to honor their words, their commitments, or not.

Those people who are dependable generally tend to only associate with others who are dependable, who have integrity.

Into every one's life, some flaky people will appear.

Yet, those who are dependable know the value of having dependable people in their life. It makes life better, for sure.

My personal definition is:

Say what you'll do, then do it. Be where you say you will be when you say you will be there. If circumstances change and you must be late or have a true emergency so that you have to cancel, let the other person or people know as soon as possible.

It's a simple principle that few people employ in their lives.

Do I do this?

Absolutely!

 My children nick-named me "The Queen of Follow Through"

They also called me "Madame WOW" from a hilarious incident when we went to Paris, France. That's for another time, if ever!

For the last 10 years, my life has lacked stability. It's finally evening out. I hope.

I could have achieved more stability if I was willing to sacrifice my integrity. People do it all the time. I couldn't live with myself if I sacrificed my integrity. It would be a false sense of stability.

~ A wealthy man in Dallas, in his early 90s, no living relatives. He was very wealthy. He wanted me to marry him, then, inherit his wealth. I didn't love him. I couldn't marry for money.

~ There was a girl who asked me to call her mother & say she was with me so she could go out to party with friends. I really liked spending time with her. I couldn't do it. I never heard from her, again. It was so sad to me. 

~ A gentleman with a "wad" of  $100s dropped one. In my conscience, I had to chase after him to give it to him.

Integrity rocks!

Having integrity & stability, having the security of dependable people is important for peace of mind. At least, for me, it is. 

Is this true for you?

What does love feel like?

What does love feel like to you? Depending on life experience, gender, race, culture, many factors. It feels different for everyone.

Scary

Sweet

Cold

Dangerous

Surreal

Hot

Exciting

Warm

Yeah, you know I have an opinion about it. *smile*

The term "love" is used incorrectly a lot. Sometimes due to cultural differences, sometimes in the interest of being polite or PC.

Most commonly, the word, "LOVE" is used in place of sex or f*cking. Is it any wonder, then, that so many girls get confused when a guy is willing to have sexual intercourse, yet, is unwilling or not free to love them?

Having been around the tree a few times, I have learned to tell the difference between when someone genuinely cares.......also, when they don't. Whatever their actions are, negates their words when their actions disprove their words.

Inaction or failing to act can also negate words.

A fave quote:

There are 3 types of people in your life.

1. Those who help you

2. Those who hurt you

3. Those who leave you alone

Those who help you, genuinely care, they have your well being at heart.

Those who hurt you want you to stay the same, never growing, never changing. This preserves their comfort.

Those who leave you alone don't care if you are suffering or not. They have no desire to make time for you.

GREAT QUOTE!

This tells, right there, who truly cares, who does not.

When someone cares about me, I can definitely see the difference. They are accepting of me, my flaws, my pleasant parts. They accept it all. Same, here. It's how humans are "wired"

Give yourself permission to only allow the influence of people in category #1 to have a bearing on you, on your life.

Blood family members may be in #1, they may just be #2. Ha ha!

Think about this, see if it resonates with you.

Be good to yourself.

You are worth it!

The Voice!

Hello! Well, hello! Hope this finds y'all well.

So, The Voice. 

It may or may not be what you think it's going to be. 

Previously, I mentioned the importance of self-talk. More importantly, talking to yourself inside your head in the same way you speak to someone you dearly love.

During air travel, the flight attendant demo before the aircraft takes flight instructs people, during loss of oxygen, to put their own oxygen mask on first before attempting to assist others.

Love yourself first before you expect others to love you or even before you wish to love other people. It's a beautiful balance. :)

What does your inner voice say to you?

Does it say:

OMG I look fat today. UGH!

No one will ever love me

I'm so stupid

I won't ask anyone, they will probably say "no"

I hate my hair

My life sucks

What if your inner voice started saying:

Hmm, my butt looks good in these pants

The sunshine feels good 

I'm good enough

I'm smart enough

Dang! Sometimes I even amaze myself

I can do this, I just have to keep going

That inner voice makes a difference in how people feel, how people are viewed by other people. A secure person with self confidence is definitely more pleasant to be around than a less secure person. 

Prefacing my next statement with saying that I am a spiritual, intuitive person. is important.

Organized religion is less of a focus for me, now, though it had been in the past.

There is a difference between being religious or being spiritual.

Choosing to be more spiritual & intuitive is less of a choice for me as it's my natural state of being. Less religious feels good.

Being spiritual & intuitive, I have learned to monitor my self talk, to speak to myself more positively. 

On to my point.

The Voice.

For several years, as I have been putting my life back together, an encouraging voice speaks to me. 

Funny aspect is that this encouraging voice speaks to me during the time I'm doing the cardio part of my workout.

Today, cardio was fantastic! 65 minutes on the elliptical machine, 6.1 miles, it was a good sweat sesh!

This voice was nearly shouting at me.

In the past, it would say:

"Keep going, Brenda. You can do this. Life was so hard for you, if you keep going, life will get better. You will have everything that you once had. You will get it all back plus more. Keep going!"

Today, the message was the same, the voice was LOUD! This is the first time the voice shouted at me in an excited, happy way.

I believe it!

I keep going.

Life has been so painfully hard.

I will believe it will all get better.

Stay tuned!

L8ers, baby!

Are you real? Are you enough?

Excellent questions to ask yourself. Life coaches, dating coaches, many philosophical gurus caution people to strive to be their authentic self. 

To be real.

Not to be confused with a stoneresque, juvenile ~ "Get real, man!"

Being inauthentic, insincere, false, etc., seems to come from a very insecure psyche. Fear. Fear of being found out as who you really are. The fear in the possibility of rejection can impede authenticity.

Here ya go ~ I have flaws. You have flaws, too.

People are all at different levels of development. Development of mind of emotional maturity, of personal security, etc., etc.

Some people have deep rooted revulsion's to the flaws of others without realizing it or simply not liking something about another person without knowing why.

This is why I often encourage others to ask themselves questions.

Exploring the great indoors!

People broadcast their all over insecurity by picking at the flaws of others. I know I have written this before. It's an important point.

People who lift themselves first by loving themselves, nurturing their own spirit will respect themselves thereby fostering their own personal overall development as a person.

These people will seek to build others up. Support them in their dreams. Treat others kindly while only accepting respect & kindness from others.

Then & only then, will they be their authentic self.

The inauthentic ones? They express their insecurity by insulting others, by lying to others in place of accepting consequences, by treating others with cruelty, with disrespect.

What they really want is to be accepted, possibly loved.

I saw a quote, once, that stated:

"Everything is either love or a cry for love."

The quote is interesting in its simplicity if only human beings were that simple. There are many shades ranging from bright white to absolutely dark black. Whites, off whites, grays, light gray, dark gray, black to very dark black.

Love or a cry for love.

When people are crying out for love it can be annoying, revolting, sad, ridiculous, violent, threatening, sometimes even dangerous!

Conversely, the same can be true of love being offered.

Funny or maybe ironic.

In today's world of hidden agendas, deceit, people hiding behind technology, many people can recognize cries for love. Recognizing an offer of love or authenticity? It seems that most people regard authenticity with suspicion.

Grandpa Kendall, my beloved maternal Grandfather taught me to be honest, to be truthful, so, I have difficulty being dishonest, being untruthful.

Honesty is about emotion.

Truth is about hard facts.

My father, on the other hand, taught me to be dishonest as well as untruthful. If I were to be honest & truthful with him, it nearly always resulted in a severe beating with a leather belt. I received many beatings from him with the residual physical body scarring.

I was torn between what my Grandpa taught me and what I had to do to minimize beatings from at my fathers hands.

At one point, I knew I needed help to sort this out. Seeking that help has made all the difference in the world for me.

I loved my Grandpa Kendall dearly & deeply.

I hated my father with a venomous resentful hatred.

(He died in 2002, it doesn't get worse than dead. Maybe) 

During the intense sessions with a lovingly patient counselor, I realized that, up to that point I had lied constantly without awareness. I had been dishonest, as well.

I WAS MORTIFIED AT THIS KNOWLEDGE.

It meant that I had betrayed my beloved Grandfather! I had also betrayed myself. I had deprived myself of an authentic life without not only knowing but also without the intent to do so.

Lying is lying.

Deception is deception.

So happy I spent that entire, intense year, repairing the damage so that I could be the good mother that my 4 sweet children deserved.

So happy that I did the work early in life.

With this long diatribe out there, it causes me to realize that people who are authentic are so very brave. They may have had a more healthy foundation built upon a healthy psyche from birth.

Even with this foundation, there is still a choice to remain real or not.

People, such as myself who had a very strong healthy psyche, a natural congenital mental strength, yet endured a far less than idyllic start in life, had to work & struggle to be authentic.

What about people who had less mental toughness, then, had to endure abuse during childhood.

What about people who were born with incorrect mental/emotional processes then had an idyllic childhood or were abused?

Therein are the gray areas.

Just so ya know, I am not a doctor, I don't have a degree in psychology. I watch people a lot. I wonder about why they do what they do. Sometimes it's like ~ 

"WTH were you thinking!"

DARWIN AWARD!

When striving to become better than we are, I know not everyone does, yet, those who do, no matter how we get there. What matters is that we get there!

My phrase ~ Git down witcha  badd thelf!

My musings, today.

Peace out!

What do you think? What do you say?

What do you think in the privacy of your mind
When you introspect privately what do you find

What do you feel in your soul in your spirit
When you listen for your song you will hear it

When your mind will wander as minds often do
The thoughts of yours the essence of pure you

Who are you or do you you truly know
It's directing your life as to where it will go

Ask yourself questions then listen with intent
As to what is in your own being so heaven sent

You are a precious person just fine as you are
Needing no approval with no quality of bar

Let your self love be you meter of sole approval
Those who hurt those who hate facing removal

Your thoughts in your mind your words to you
Are what gives you greatness in what you do

Love yourself with kind words to your own mind
Be amazed at the sweet differences you will find
***************************************

Alternate last line:

What do you think in the privacy of your mind
Replace fear with self love to see what you find

***************************************

Yes, I wrote this.
Brenda M Garten Bautista

Thus Far

In this experience called life, so far, I hope that I have learned from the painful lessons, gloried in the joyful experiences, savored the opportunities to learn, to grow.

Off the wall, here ~ Do you believe in Astrology? The Zodiac?

It's been around for longer than many studied sciences or arts. It's been around since man could articulate that the beautiful glowing orbs in the heavens were stars.

Now, peeps, dear peeps, I am not saying that I put much faith in Astrology, yet, not exactly saying that I don't. Through personal experience I have learned that there are elements of truth in everything.
SpecOps and cops are taught to lie by throwing a kernel of truth into a big lie to extract information. It works.
Don't ask me how I know this, I might have to kill you if I......
you know. *smile*

So, Zodiac.
My birth date is Bastille Day, essentially the French version of the USA's July 4th. Except, in France, it's July 14th. 
I'm a Bastille Day baby. This means that mommy and daddy had a very happy Thanksgiving the year before I was born. It escaped me for many years when my parents would remark at how happy the Thanksgiving holiday was previous to my birth. *smile*

Being born on July 14, that makes my zodiac sign Cancer the crab. Ahh yes, crabby ol' Cancerian! Appearing tough as well as impenetrable on the outside? Oh, really?

Soft, sweet, vulnerable at heart.

Don't piss a Cancer off or you will get the pinch. 

It's like a reflex with Cancers, we wish to love then be loved in return. We love deeply, our loyalty toward friends & family is fierce. If you intentionally or if they perceive that you intentionally hurt a Cancer, buddy, you're screwed.

With most Cancers, they are dreamy, idealistic, hopelessly romantic, nurturing, caring, kindhearted & generous. 
Day dreamers! 
Cancers are also very playful, fun loving dreamers. Artistic, creative, the most passionate lover of all of the Zodiac signs when with someone they truly care about. It can be a flaw, sometimes. Being the most sensitive of all the Zodiac signs as well as a bit moody at times. Cancers love their sweets as much as they love water in any form.

This pretty much sums up my personality. If you look up Cancer Zodiac in the dictionary, my face should be next to it!

With this said, some of the life lessons I have learned have been deeply painful ones. Less of a shock there!

So far I have learned ~

The very best food is that which you make at home
When given the choice, be kind
Trust yet verify
Sex outside of marriage , never, the horrible pain is not worth it
Watch anyone for 90 days before deciding to let them in, or not
Family can be by heart or by blood
Believe actions more than words, yet actions can also be suspect
Enjoy each happy moment to the fullest
Moving through time is inevitable
Growing older is optional
Organized religion is a big lie
Don't date cops, ever, it has turned out badly for me every time
Love yourself first
Buy the best quality you can afford
Second chances may be a good idea, third are a bit too risky
Stereo typing is self limiting
People should only be placed in a box when dead, don't kill them
If you won't help another person, at least, don't hurt them
Children are great detectives, they can see the tracks their parents thought they had covered 
Eat real food, pass up processed junk!
Learning to speak other languages opens doors
Even someone who is blood family, will betray you
Thinking positive can change your life
Speak the truth, speak it kindly
Get 1 hour of heart pounding exercise every day
******************************************

These are just the things I have learned so far. These are just what momentarily leaps out at me. 
I'm just a simple, happy girl, making her way through life, doing my best to be a good person. To learn, to constantly grow and change.
Striving to improve my mind, my body (as in becoming more lean, stronger, more toned).
Striving to make the most of the time I have in life to do some good in the world. Possibly, I can make small differences that have a positive ripple effect in the lives of others.

My tastes are simple. Love others, be loved in return. Happy times with friends & family.
Meaningful conversations.
Eventually a 3 BR 2 BA cottage close enough to the ocean that I could be at a warm sandy beach within minutes. A dog, a horse.
Pure bliss!
Anything else would just be cream.

Solid nightly rest

Good wine

Good food

Good night, my love.

Grey! Spoiler Alert

I will confess right here, right now. I love the way guys think. Fascinating, to me. Yeah, it may very well be a bit rough to my feminine mind, at times, yet, I love it!

Guys think about sex, a lot! So effing what?

It's neither bad, nor good. It's part of what makes them male & I love it .....I love it a lot!

On an analytical plain, it might be because I have high testosterone & so, I understand them better than most girls. Better than the guys out there think that I understand them.

Oh, it's not like I'm thinking of humping everything humpable. LOL!

I know that wasn't a real word, yet, I color outside the lines a lot!

Surprise!!!!!

When having a conversation with the previously mentioned former PJ, he exclaimed to me, "Yeah, but, you don't have testosterone!"

HAH!

If he only had known!

I held back, lest I give the wrong conveyance of meaning to him.

In 2008, there were some college students doing a project. They were doing a study on testosterone in the female population. As I answered their ad with trepidation, it seemed so fascinating. Being on a relatively renewed journey of self discovery after losing my identity in an abusive marriage then working to re-discover who I am and making a bit of $$$ at the same time. Seemed like a good idea. Actually, it was a good idea!

A bit of info about moi? I hate having needles stuck in me. I have been known to pass out when having blood drawn or other forms of being stuck with a hypo! No tatts on my body. Most likely, never will.

Even pierced my own ears when I was 12 years of age. The thought of someone else coming at me with a needle was no bueno.

During the study I participated in, it required blood draws.

UGH!!!!! OUCH!!!!! PANIC!!!!! PAIN!!!!!!

So, the mofos had to pay me well for me to participate.

The outcome?

I do, indeed, have very high testosterone. I was in the top 98 percentile. It simply proved what I already was aware of.

Purty cool, hmm?

Soooooo, it's probably a facet of why I'm digging the 

"50 Shades of Grey" series.

Most recently, as well as my very favorite?

"Grey"

The "50 Shades of Grey" saga, as told from Christian Grey's perspective.

Yumm!

The raw thoughts, unspoken opinions, viewpoint of the male mind.

It took a bit of getting used to, have to admit. It's raw, alright!

Yet, so very honest.

I could do without the "cock twitch" mentions which number in the high hundreds throughout the book. I thought, 

"Geez! Can't you be more diverse in your descriptive writing?"

Going on a limb, here.

Putter flutter

Trout out

Rockout with my cockout

Trousal arousal

Dick flick

Hard guard

Anyway, I didn't write the book, yet, I am reading it and enjoying it, too!

The Christian Grey character is a tormented soul. Trying so very hard to overcome his rough start in life. Born to a crack whore, was found cuddled up to his mothers corpse, by the police, at the age of 4. The scars on his back, were from when his mothers pimp would grind cigarette butts out on him starting when he was just a few months of age.

At 15, his mothers "friends" indoc into the BDSM life added to his torturous self  consternation.

Yeah, it's enough to mess a guy up!!

Enter, Anastasia Steele. A smart, sweet, college girl & virgin.

Christian has all the money, power, fame, charisma, prestige, adoptive family background.....is totally messed up about women!

This unlikely pair each has what the other needs without knowing it. Anastasia is wanting that right guys love, Christian is confused about what he does want, not realizing what he will want, soon.

FUNNY!

It's a love story, with a twist.

When all the hate mongering religious groups were yapping about the series, it caught my interest. Thank you so much!!! *smile*

When I began reading, I began to identify with Anastasia as well as with Christian, 50/50 with both.

The crux is this. I loved all three 50 Shades books.

I TRIPLE LOVE the "Grey" book as told from a male POV!!!!

The BDSM lifestyle? I will pass.

The books? Yes, please. I hope there will be more!

The books may not be every body's crack

There is crack on the pages, I need my fix!

Laters, baby!

*smile*

Input!

I'll let you guess what type of input.

Don't go dirty on me!

Always curious about everything, always on the lookout for new. New anything! 

Is that a correct phrase? Maybe a dangling participle? Yup. Hah!

The world is in a state of flux. Constantly changing. New ideas are coming forth, new ways of doing things. New tech. Even new variations of species are developing, even within  the human race.

Those who fear change, those who refrain from embracing change are, sadly, left out of the loop. The loop of the exciting evolution of constant change in the world!

Embrace change, peeps, watch it enrich your life.

People have thought, in past times that the opposite of love is hate. Maybe.

Maybe not. Hmmm.

The opposite of love can also be fear. Think about it. What does fear, do?

Fear can paralyze us, fear can drive people from their loved ones, their goals.

Marketing ploys play off of fear. Listen to the ads for IRS attorneys, ads for insurance attorneys, ads to tell peeps they have to get _____________ because, oh, no! It'll be gone if you move too slow!

I digress.

Input!

Awhile back a hot, former PJ,  I briefly spoke with for a time, told me that he still runs 3 miles every day. So, I thought, hmm, 3 miles is do-able, as is he. *smile*. I made it my daily target. 3 miles, sometimes I go 6, yet a daily minimum of 3 miles. On tread or elliptical machine or 80 floors on the stair master. Seems like a fair equivalent. Hurts like Hades.

HLH ~ ror!

My second PT ~ Randy Chamberlain. GREAT PT! He inspired me more than he ever knew. That was during my 5 months in Orlando, FLA, taking time out, hoping ex huzz would come to realize that he should stop verbally/emotionally abusing his wife. 

(he didn't catch on!)

Randy told me 3 things that were priceless!

1. Stop drinking soda

2. Load up on Vit C rich, low sugar foods

3. Have a cheat meal NOT a cheat day

More recently, the female PT at ATF told me:

You have great goals, you need more variety. O YEAH! Dead on correct. I love variety. Love changing it up, always!

Simple piece of advice, great big impact!!!

Awesomeness often makes it's way to me in 3's, also, 4's.

Love my healthy, fit, lifestyle, working on goals, making dreams into reality.

Good note to say adieu!

Adieu!