Coming up Green

Yes, in honor of the upcoming holiday! Plus some revealing facts. *smile*

Do ye hae any Irish heritage? or perhaps Scottish?
If ye do, then, good on ye!

I have ancestry from my Native American father. Then, on my 
mothers side, her mother was pure German for generations back.
My mothers father, my beloved grandfather, there was English, Irish & Scottish. 
Most people have heard of DNA testing. Usually, it's done to prove paternity, or identify crime related facts.

I'm a firm believer in Groupons. When I received an offer in my email inbox from Connectmydna.com, I was excited!
Knowing my heritage, it seemed as if it would add another dimension to my knowledge of who I am. Who I really am. On a cellular level, yes, however, I have a burning curiosity about everything! It gets me in predicaments sometimes. Still, I would
rather continue to be curious about everything.
It keeps me stimulated, going on new adventures all the time!

This Groupon offer was around $20. for what is regularly 
$100 - $150. A DNA test of a sample of my ~ yup ~ DNA!

I also like to save money whenever I can!

I'm aware of dominant & recessive genes. This characteristic is what produces children in a family who look different despite their common parentage. They have varying strengths & weaknesses. Varying interests, personalities, even skin tones, hair color, hair texture, eye color, talents, intelligence levels. Every different person receives different individual percentages of the DNA that is carried by both parents.
Fascinating, yes? YES!

I bought the DNA analysis. I was excited when the DNA collection kit arrived. Followed the instructions to swab, vigorously, the inside of my right mouth cheek, then the left.       I sent it out the very next day afterward!
Then, the wait.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Twenty days later! 
I woke up early, checked the web site. My analysis was there!
As it turns out, I am 50% Native American as I already thought!
Also, 10% German, 40% Irish & Scottish mix. Fascinating!

So, this may account for my strawberry blond hair?

idk

Discover yourself.

You're worth it!

Happy Irish Day!!!

WOW~ Mary Helen Bowers ~ WOW

She's a trainer of some very well known models. Celebs, also non-celebs, most notably, trainer to the VS models, Natalie Portman. She was invited to dance with the New York City Ballet at age 16!
That's impressive!
AHA!
So, those bombshells had to be taught a bit of grace. No big deal! It's wonderful to see success for anyone. 

Still

Having used the Sans Barre workout sometimes twice daily, it makes me wonder. What if I had continued with my ballet classes from age 12, forward? Would I have continued to advance, to excel in my skills? Would I have ever been able to leave the state of Michigan? Would I have enlisted in the USAF as I did, or not at all.
Signing up with the USAF changed the course of my life,for good! It took me on a path to different levels of thought, different skills, more importantly, it removed me from mommy & daddy's home. It's a step people must take to finish maturing into confident, successful adults. Not just of adult age, yet, a true, independent full functioning adult.

Ramblings, with random thought.

I do enjoy dance. NOT BALLET. From talking with others in the dance instructor industry, ballet teachers are known as the drama queens of dance teachers. Think ~ Emotional Train Wreck.

Lately the ballet workouts have started to receive attention. Never, 
ever, did I believe I would enjoy it.
SURPRISE!!
To me.
After suffering through the sans barre workout for awhile, now, after seeing the body changes, I almost wish I had continued.

Mary Helen Bower has several workouts in a DVD series titled, Ballet Beautiful. Have been following along to these. Most are on YouTube. She trained & danced during her entire pregnancy as well as before, then, again after. 
Her body is similar to Emily Blunt as well as Keira Knightly.
Awesome!
Her vids are just challenging enough, a little over-kill. No Worries!

Thighs are firming & toning even more.
Lower back twitches when I lay down in my bed.
Feeling extra grace in walking
Abs are firming more

Loving this!
(Jameson)

Bless the Beasts and the Children


It's Saturday. 
For me, that means going for a long workout. Then, going to the animal shelter to cuddle the kitties, to walk the dogs. Am not willing to clean their cages with my uber sensitivity to odors. Still, they need attention. They need to get out. Animals who become accustomed to being paid attention to are more likely to be taken home by a person vs animal heaven.
Workout ~ check!
Animal shelter ~ didn't make it today, however, I did rescue a sweet little yorkie who was about to get run over in traffic.
Next week, I'll make it.
Or, maybe, one day, this week.

These sweet creatures, brought into over-population by the irresponsibility of people, need love, time and attention.
Hey! Maybe I'm one of them & don't know it? Have been called a bitch at least a few times. Hmmm.
Don't we all live, grow, learn better from love, time, attention?
Here's a shocker ~ I will admit that I do better at everything when I have that in my life. Okay, so, maybe, it's not a shocker!

A year ago, I rescued 2 kittens that were born & lived under my home with a feral mother. They were so CUTE! I knew that if I took them to the animal shelter, because they were only a couple weeks old, they would probably be put down. So, I kept them, fed them watered down baby formula until they could eat solid kitten food. I litter box trained them, which was surprisingly easy, they mostly did it automatically. At first they were a bit unsteady on their feet, probably around 2 - 3 weeks old. I kept them until they were eating regular cat food, using the litter box with no accidents and had grown a bit bigger. One was a white & grey tabby, the other was all black. The black one was very sweet, purring constantly. She always wanted to be on my shoulder when I was sitting & stitching or watching a flik or working at my laptop. Not on my lap, not on my chest, always on my shoulder, softly purring right into my ear. It was such an adorable attribute.

Both kittens were around 3 months old when I took them to the animal shelter. Checking on them every time I went there, they were adopted within 1 month. They were both "fixed". YAY!
Fewer feral cats out there.
I felt a little sad, yet, happy that they went to a forever home. During this time, in my life, I'm loving the low responsibility. As much as I love all animals, the commitment it takes to have one is something that is more than I would be able to honor.
Seeing all these people who have so many cats, dogs, birds, fish, and so on, good for them. I like my freedom.

The sweetness of most animals is a wonderful attribute, sometimes found in rare people. People are just so flaky, so complicated in today's world. 3 of my 4 grown children are even so flaky, I have given up on those three. Have always been one to only go where I am wanted, loved, appreciated. 
I only feel that from 1 of my 4 kiddos. Sad commentary on people in today's world. I taught all 4 of them better than that.
1 out of 4 is what I have, it's who I will love & appreciate.

THE PUPPY PRINCIPLE!

Horses, oh, horses! Love, love, love horses. The first horse I rode extensively was Buttermilk. He was a palomino gelding, about 10 years old. He was such a great horse! He went straight from a walking gait to canter. Such a smooth ride!
There was another horse I really loved ~ Dudley. He was one of 100 or so horses stabled at Bald Mountain Stables, a place to ride for $10. per hour. Dudley was huge! The first time I went to the stables, when I told the stable hands which horse I wanted, they were a bit surprised. Dudley was a gentle giant, I was 12 years old, skinny, small for my age. I was unafraid of Dudley. He seemed to like me, too!
Whenever my mother would take me to the stables, she would drop me off, then come back later to pick me up. Before leaving for the stables, I would go out to the garden, pull up a couple carrots for Dudley, grab some from the refridgerator.
One day, my mother was in a really good mood, I had received $25. from babysitting, so, I asked her to take me to the stables. When I got there, Dudley wasn't standing at the hitching post, saddled & ready. I went to the ranch hand to ask for Dudley. The ranch hand said Dudley wasn't available. Then, he just walked away. I went to the office where the people knew me, to ask about Dudley. There were 3 people there. When I asked, they looked at each other kinda funny. 
One of them, a slender woman of probably 70 years, said to the others, I'll take care of this. She came over, draped her slender arm across my back in a kinda side hug.
She said, "Dudley won't be available any more."
I had to know why! So, I asked her.
She told me that a group of rowdy people took a few horses on a ride, ran them too hard, Dudley had broken his leg.
I felt my heart pounding!
Still, I asked her if I could just see him if he was there.
She went into the office, made a phone call, came out, motioned for me to come with her.
We went into the barn, to Dudley's stall. He was laying down, panting. She said that they were giving him pain meds until the Vet could come and send him to "horsey heaven." OH NO! I knew what that meant. My chest began to ache, like my heart was breaking for this wonderful horse that I had grown to love.

To  let him know I was there, I began clucking & saying his name, he tried to get up. I asked the woman if I could please just sit with him in the stall. My mother wasn't going to be back for another hour. She looked at me with a very sad, kind expression, told me it would be okay.
I moved very very slowly, into the stall and sat on the hay next to Dudley's head. He was a big horse, but, laying down, on his side, he looked even more massive, he almost filled up the entire stall.
He saw me, his ears pricked forward, I knelt down, put my cheek on his soft nose. I rubbed his cheek softly with my nose. Loved the scent of a horse as I still do. I petted his dark coarse mane, formed the hair into braids. His ears stayed pricked forward the whole time. The ranch hand said if Dudley would eat the carrots I brought that I could give them to him in small pieces. He had never refused any carrots or apples I brought.
I sat up, broke 1 carrot into 6 pieces. He smelled the carrot, lifted his head, slightly. I held the small piece to his lips, he took it. After 3 pieces of carrot, he wouldn't take any more. Just watching him was enough for me, that day, just to be with him. It didn't have to be a long ride.

Laying there, in his stall with him, I knew it was the last time I would see him. I laid there, softly humming to him, stroking his face, playing with his mane. A few tears trickled out of the corner of my left eye followed by many more. I was imprinting that time on my memory, the last moments with Dudley. 2 hours had passed, finally one of the ranch hands came in to check on Dudley. When he saw me, he told me that a woman with bright red hair was looking for me. My mother.
When I came out, she was angry that I had kept her waiting. She told me she would NEVER bring me to the stables ever again.
I said, "That's okay, I don't want to come back, anyway."
Even now, I remember that gentle giant and the time we had.

Maybe, when my dream happens, I will find a horse like Dudley or Buttermilk. Maybe I will find or build my sweet little house, myself. 
Maybe I will find a great dog, like Sammy.

*Dreams do, often, come true*

To Be Happy

Are you happy? Do you want to be? Do you know how to be happy?

It's something that eludes many people from all races, cultures, socio-economic backgrounds, religions, etc. Only the individual, themselves knows whether they are truly happy....or not. A funny thing, this happiness thaang. Many can have brief flashes of it. They can have whole days of it, or weeks or years, got it? Yup.

It's doubtful that anyone is happy all the time for most of their lives.

If they are, time for a reality check. 

They might be a dog & don't know it! Woof!

Personally, the key to my happiness is in doing nice things for other people. Random acts of kindness, if you will. gives me smiles. I must admit, I am sometimes more selective about who I do nice things for. When doing things for people I don't know, not so much.

When doing a nice deed for someone I know, ooohhhh boy. It's something totally different. It's how I'm wired.

When I know someone, then choose to do something nice for them, it's because they have captured my heart in a huge way!

Opposition in all things.

When someone has that sweet spot in my heart, they have more power than they realize. They have the power to deal a terrible, crushing blow if they hurt me. 

Loving someone is difficult for me, loving with my whole heart, passionately, deeply, so, if they hurt me the pain is so deep, so unbearable, on a scale of 1-10....100. Yup. Sad, hmm?

It's hella difficult to handle. Excruciating.

The way I used to deal with it was to deal a crushing blow (legal methods) to the one who hurt me, so that they feel the same level of pain that they dealt to me. In a way, I suppose I was transferring my pain to them, like an equal reflection in a mirror. Equal pain.

It's wrong, I know. It felt right at the time. It's no longer me.

Having learned & grown beyond that, it's not something I would condone nor would I recommend it.

Better to focus on positive pursuits. Volunteering where it's needed. Fitness! YES!

Creative pursuits such as web design, needlework, origami.

Looking forward to trips to places I have never been.

Then, there are random, anonymous acts of kindness. Random kindness toward selected loved ones. Am much more selective in present day than ever before in my life. It still feels good to give.

It is also an art to learn to receive graciously so others can give.

There is something I have studied for several years, now, it has shown me the way to happiness. It's a normal, natural practice.

Nothing woo-woo, aerie faerie about it, I promise you, m'love!

For those of you who think it's paganism or similar, nope. 
It's a very simple, sweet, healthy practice as most of the best things in life, are.

I'm more spiritual than religious, however, there are passages in the Bible that mention it.

Check it out!

Proverbs 23:7

Mark 9:23

Matthew 7:8

What is this?

LOA or the Law of Attraction

Whatever one focuses on, that is what they attract into their lives. Think positively, it will make a difference in your life. Think negatively, well, enough said. ;)

When a person has difficult experiences, then, they ask, "What else is going to go wrong?" They will surely get their answer, it most likely will be more pain, more suffering.

They asked, they received their answer.
Better to believe, "Okay, that's over, ready for the good stuff, now!"

Turning it around, everyone has difficult events occur. It would make more sense to say," Okay, now, time for things to go well."

Believe it.

The self talk? The dialogue in your head? That's the crucial part.

Start turning it around. Ponder upon the silver lining in everything. You have everything to gain. 

Speak to yourself in your head as if you were speaking to someone you dearly love & wish all love and happiness they can handle! It's common practice in the world to speak negatively.

Examples?

Negative: Don't be late!

Positive :  See you on time!

Negative: Don't forget!

Positive : Please remember!

Negative: Don't hesitate to call!

Positive :  Call me soon!

Eliminating the words, don't, not and no, as much as possible is a good start. There is so much more to LOA. This is simply the basic principle to get you started on your way!

As I have studied, learned, put into practice, the Law of Attraction, my life began to change. Of course, there are highs & downers like anyone, however, slowly, the highs last longer, the lows are shorter, less penetrating. Through it all, thinking, speaking, acting in positivity brings happiness that carries me through everything.

I began, 3 years ago, finding the silver lining in everything.

Positivity, happiness, love, kindness ~ YEAH ~ Love that stuff!

Think positive, train your self talk, do it, see the difference!

Peace, love & crabs! ;)

Working on a Dream

As time goes by, it feels as if I'm getting closer. Every day.

Every time I sell a needlework pattern, which is out of print, now, for a hefty profit, I think ~ Yup! It's happening!

De-cluttering means less to take with me when I move. It may be this summer or it may be next summer. As I reduce material possessions, the feeling of freedom from stuff is wonderful! It seems like it's all coming together, working in sync. Fewer possessions, a more fit & toned body, a more positive, playful & sweet feeling, finances are stabilizing. Well, YEAH! 10 years after liberation, it's about frkn time.

When I first moved out of the home shared with ex huzz & kiddos, into a 2 BR, 1.5 BA townhouse, I was so confident that it would all be so easy! Had lived on my own for almost 4 years before marriage. After the abuse & oppression, I really thought~ HAH! Cake Walk.

Some parts were a cake walk, some were more challenging.

Before moving to Texas, I went through a 13 week divorce recovery program 3 times at New Life Church. Still needed a little more healing after the fiasco of 2012, so, 2 times in Texas. It was painful, time consuming and well worth it!

From the time I started REALLY putting effort into my workouts, I felt the wonderful growth, the good changes.

I would walk fast on the treadmill at a 4.2 speed, 15 incline for an hour at a time. There was a row of approximately 18 treadmills, up against the wall to the right with around 12 ellipticals lined up across the aisle, facing the window.   I watched the people on ellipticals, gliding along, so easily. They intimidated the howl out of me, yes, the howl!

Anyone who has ever been through a decline in fitness, finding yourself gaining weight with no idea how to stop it, might identify with my journey. It's a long road of progression, gaining knowledge,trying new workouts, putting in 2 hour sweat & pain sessions! Learn to love the burn!

Feeling a need for more of a cardio challenge, I decided that on the first day of the following month, I would transition from tread & bike to tread & elliptical.

DAM!

It was so difficult, at first. I was still quite porky.

My way of approaching fitness, now, is that when something seems too difficult, too challenging, I go straight into it! It

has served me well.

The rhythm of the elliptical felt really fun at first. I adapted & it became less of a challenge. I had to increase the resistance to stay challenged.

Now, HERE is where it gets interesting.

Like most people, I have running dialogue in my head. Thoughts, ideas. Self talk. In 2007 I was a bit scared, a little worried. The divorce was on January 2, 2007, it was going to take some adjusting. I was free, I was happier, I was a bit of a hot mess!

When pedaling on the elliptical, my self talk would be very, very active. The first sweat would trickle down my back, just under my T-shirt. The self talk started receiving input, answers, if you will.

A sweet comforting message would enter my train of thoughts. It felt peaceful, sweet, very loving, almost holy. It would say:

"You are going to be okay. If you just hang in there, you will have everything you ever dreamed of. Everything you need, everything you ever wanted, you will have everything back and more. Keep going. Keep improving, it will happen."

I agreed with this message, in my head, I would agree. 

"Okay, I'll trust that everything will work out & will be okay."

In the deep fear, deep anxiety that was my life, I clung to this idea.

I get this message at nearly every cardio portion of my workout. Just had to bear the pain of the difficulties, times when I survived on popcorn and/or oatmeal. Had to live without running water for 2 months. I tried phoning my daughters, hoping for at least a bit of loving support, kind words. 
Nope.
The 2 older ones, were together, were more concerned about choosing a color of nail polish than they were about their mother. Nice.
There were many times when I laid on a bed, staring at the ceiling, losing myself in day dreams, it was better than reality.

Having persevered, life has still had its pain as well as joy, yet, continues to improve. The pain to joy ratio, even a year ago was : 

70% pain - 30 % joy

Through keeping a positive attitude,being willing to learn new ways of doing things, taking calculated risks, yet, most of all, believing the encouraging messages. The pain is dropping, with the joy doing a steady climb into sweet sweet bliss!

Present day?

60% pain - 40% joy and climbing! Joy climbing, baby! Yeah!!

Attitude can make a huge difference. It's working for me.

The Sans Barre workout is a unique combo of ballet & yoga. It was so intimidating when I first tried it. Found myself giving up just 10 minutes in. I kept working to make it through, then, through practice, a little swearing & a whoooolllle lot of pain & effort, I got the knack. Now, I have it aced. Time to change it up, soon!

A very cool thing happens when I change up workouts. Different muscles become stronger, different muscles develop. There are many portions of this workout which requires standing on one foot & holding my body parallel to the floor! It hurts, it's difficult.YES!

My inner thighs have slimmed & toned, lower abs are a bit tighter, my back is stronger, I can feel it!

So, according to the inspiring voice, the body is coming back!

The rest may soon follow!

You may ask what my dream is?

Very simple. I feel I have the fitness part taken care of, the finances will come to me, in time, I feel it.

So,here it is. 

My dream is to buy a sweet home, 3 BR, 2 BA, close enough to a warm beach, that I could go to the beach every day if I wanted to.
One doberman pinscher, maybe 2 & a horse of my own. 

That's my dream.

What is your dream?

Fifty Shades of Green!!!!!

Spring has begun in North Texas!!!

YEEEE - HAH!

An end to ice, s_ _ w (it's a dirty word!). Hello spring time! Longer days, spring showers, greening up my lawn! The birds
are singing every morning - early! The daffodils are blooming. Soon, the scent of hyacinths will be in the air!

Right now? The lovely scent of dog crap fills the air. EVERYTHING is thawing out. Everything.

Summer is my favorite, Spring is nice, too. Observing the birds & other animals is a pure delight. On my way home from the gym, this morning, I saw two birdlets fluttering together in a puddle. They were enjoying themselves so much. This is a small town, so, not much traffic. I stopped the car to watch them, delayed making my right turn so they could continue without being disturbed....or run over by another car.

Squirrels are chasing each other, birds are doing mating dances! It's real entertainment to watch. Have seen a few feral kittens that are new. AWWW.  Cute. Would love to catch a few & get them spayed or neutered so the number of feral cats would be kept in check. I have done my part a few times. Can only save so many. Would save all of them if only I could! I can't have pets or I would.
Oh, it's not a matter of a landlord issue. He wouldn't care, would be cool with me having a dog or cat with no pet deposit.

It's not them, it's me. *smile*

Freedom is very precious to me. As a free spirit, I like
to leave & arrive as I please. If a workout feels good, I want to continue, guilt free that a pet is waiting at home, missing me. If staying at the gym, on a trip out of state, or just wanting to sleep long, undisturbed, it would be unfair to a dog, cat or bird.

For now, my beautiful bamboo plant is enough, I may buy a plumeria shoot to raise to flowering. Plants are about as much responsibility toward a living being in my home as I want. Not sure if that will change, later, for now, plants are enough.

Green is one of my favorite colors. Things that are green seem to usually smell so good, fresh, clean, exhilarating.

Green is in the air, on the ground, on the trees, love it!

I'm hoping to move further south in Texas, this summer. North Texas is warm in the winter, mostly, I like it more warm. South
Texas is warmer, closer to the ocean. It's been nice, living in this small town, I'm ready to move to a larger area, closer to the ocean. More opportunity, more people, closer to the ocean.

While it's cool enough to be comfortable, with hot summer days 6 - 10 weeks away ~

Enjoy, peeps!

What would I give....

What would I give to go back to a moment in time
To live it again to change what I did back then
There are rarely second chances or do overs
It's the pin dot sad spots in the heart, the soul, the mind
The memory, the memories of others, the ripple effect
It's the dark that not enough joy can counter nor erase
Not all moments are ones I would change if I could
Some are just so good that I would love the joygasm
Again and again and again in multiples? Yes please.
Please sir, could I have some more, I need some more
My first NDE at 5 years old & leaving my body was surreal
Holding the hand of Jesus as we walked, talked and laughed
I would have gone to the hospital when Grandpa asked me to
He never came home so I missed my chance to say good bye
I would give any price to see him again, to kiss his face
At the music theater job I would have lied to Jackson Browne
I was only 16 yet had to be 18 to go to his bands party
The others lied so they could go & told me I missed a great one
I wouldn't have cornered my pet bunny rabbit, Tiny
He bit me pretty bad so it took 12 stitches & left a nasty scar
I would go back to the day my darling daughter went with me
We were going to bring our doberman puppy home
She was so adorably sweet and so excited, so cute
She was the one who was to give him his name ~ Sammy
I would go back to the time right before my last Hawai'i trip
I would take my Tinkerbell figurine with me to keep it safe
Maybe the person who took it would swipe something else
Something less rare than one of my few childhood mementos
Love Tinkerbell! She's sassy, brave and in love with Peter
I wouldn't've let ex huzz to force me to move to Colorado
It was pure hell to live there pure heaven to finally get out!
After the divorce I would have gone to school right away
Would have skipped dating anyone at all, it was wasted time
Wouldn't have met the one who haunts my dreams, at all
His essence is familiar though I don't know who he is
I know I knew him yet I can't recall just who he was to me
I would go back to the day I sold my boys and wouldn't
Still think about them, Jake & Jeff, my precious yorkies
They are in a good home together with people who love them
Glad I had the photo of them taken in 2011 with me *sigh* 
Going back to Colorado last March to surprise my daughter
THAT was a Kodak moment right there! 
The look of confusion, shock, delight, at the airport was great
Grinning great big just thinking about being there with her
Two days ago my neighbors dog was rolling around in my yard
He's an older big black lab who loves the grass in my front yard
He was just having a blast and I loved watching him enjoying
I don't mind him rolling in my yard, not doing anything else
Don't have a dog, don't need one, I have my neighbors dog to crap in my yard. ;)
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Life is good, I'm happy, living in the present moment

Cancer

It's more than an astrological sign.

More than a sign of disease.

A terrifying aspect of life, even in 2016.

Just became a little more personal.

Self diagnosis is known for being riddled with inaccuracy, false paranoia, in fact, everything about it is false. Too close to be objective, too close to be very accurate.

I'm not sure of it. However, I have been watching this small spot of red on the bridge of my nose. Right below where my sunglasses would rest. I have used facial moisturizers that contain spf 50 for many years. They are only labels, no guarantees. I eat very healthy, very natural. Organic, as often as I can. Exercise ~ a lot. Partly out of sexual frustration, partly out of need, partly out of desire to progress in physical fitness. I had a 6 pk when serving in the USAF, I can have it, again. YES.

It's happening in the time it should. It takes time, work, self discipline in the kitchen. I know this. As sure as I know my Native American heritage of strength, perseverance, yes, I know this.

But, this is something different.

Having progressed physically, the body is still subject to disease, conditions, illnesses, injury, death, as all are subject to immortality.

So, I am concerned, Wakantanka, with the red spot on the bridge of my nose. Wakantanka is the name of great one. He without one. Heavenly Father is male.

Yeah, sounds like I have just set the feminazis back a century. LOL

His name is not spoken.

Like Italians, proud of their heritage. Like all others who mention their heritage. This is my heritage. 1/2 Native American. Squaw is a very insulting term to NA. Akin to cunt in English. Now, you know. You know why NA took offense to that word being used to refer to their women. NA mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, etc.

Having concern with this small spot on the bridge of my nose, I have turned to what I know. Have been to holistic healers, NA Shamans since 2007. The Shaman in Oklahoma referred me to NA chanting, cold pressed basil for one week. After that, if there is no change, I'll have to make a trip up to Oklahoma to see him.

I love to go see him. Entering his home is a deeply spiritual experience. It's easy to feel the spirits of all the Shamans who have preceded him. He is humble, great in his own rite.

It is best to be humble, rather than embrace the darkness of the feminist movement, I know this. I know that to be masculine is holy. 
It's natural to me, to love men.

Yes, it's natural to me, to love all that is male as I am female. I will embrace it, never concern myself with Caucasian views. I am 1/2 caucasian, look more caucasian, my heart is a warrior woman's heart. More NA than caucasian. I love males, especially the ones with warrior hearts. Takes one to love one. *smile*

Going to commune with my shaman is a positive experience, every time.

He encourages me, always, on my path, on my journey. Everything.

With my practice of celibacy, my love of technology. My link with past, present, future. Truth. Falsehood. Uncertainty.

Feel free to enter comments below.

In fact, I encourage your comments.

GO!

Night Hawk

It seems that I do my best work at night.

Document translation, creative pursuits, reading, composing. Even cleaning & organizing. Selling, creating recipes. Best work.

It's as if my body clock runs differently than most people, most people seem to readily adapt to live during the day, sleep all night.

I feel most alive when I work at night. I fight this "Night Hawk" tendency to be able to fit in with the rest of the world. However, now, while I have a 7 am translation deadline, I will take this opportunity to indulge this tendency.

As everything comes to me more naturally, more easily at night,

I'm going to also take this opportunity to work on my fitness at night.  My gym is a 24 hour gym, no crowd, no waiting for weights, no intrusion when I'm working to perfect my sans barre workout. I can sweat, grunt, sigh, scream, no one there to hear.

Many girls don't like to sweat, I'm not like most girls. 

I love it when the first sweat begins. It only increases as I bear down on my efforts, pushing harder, harder, harder. My skin is red as the ATP comes to the surface. I can feel my muscles itching, being pushed to their limit,so, I increase the resistance, push harder. Increase the weight to get as much out of this as I can.

Enough.

So, it's time to do some planksgiving! 5 minute plank.

What else can I do with my remaining energy!

Loving it.

This is my plan while Spring is here, Summer is on its way, while my night energy is here. Using the energy to improve my body. Maybe, even finish some creative projects, mais oui, n'est ce pas!

Whatever I'm doing, there's a good feeling in the air from this.

What is your favorite creative pursuit? Sketching? Painting? Sculpting? Textile arts? What do you enjoy?

Please tell me.

  L8ers

*smile*

Here We Go......Again

No, I didn't go to sleep all night, last night. I stayed up, multi tasking. Translating documents, selling extraneous posessions, listening to classical music, having a Netflix all nighter, when the music wasn't doing "it" for me.

The stress of last week makes it impossible to rest. My home is clean, organized, very simply zen. So, no house cleaning therapy for me, I like it simple. As my posessions disappear, I find that my head clears as well. A purging of my former life. Nothing in my home looks even remotely as it did back in the horrible place I moved from to Texas. Texas suits me. Nicer people, more sun!

Trying to sleep would be futile, so, I don't try. 

To add to this, I had to give in. I had to go into the past to gain some comfort. I was FINE, just FINE, until I watched the news footage of Navy Seal SCPO Byers. He was giving his oration of heroes, as he, himself was being inducted as a military hero. It really touched me. Good strong men who give so much to their country, my country, sometimes, giving all anyone can ever give.

Their life.

What struck me was when he talked of The Achangel, Michael and, as a Catholic, what the protection of Archangel Michael meant to him. 

Michael, the warrior angel, the protector of soldiers.

That's when my heart was hit really hard. 

Wishing that Michael, my protector was still here. What would life have been like if he were still alive. Would we have the dream house he wanted to build for me in Georgia? 

A little girl? A little boy? Both? 

Michael the Archangel

Michael my Archangel

Michael my protector, my lion at the gate.

I like to stay in the present moment. When I'm hurting, sleepless, if there's a trigger, umm, I s'pose it triggers. 

All of  those memories, those feelings of being loved, of being known so well, of being safe. Tight body hugs, smiles, a pat on the hiney, the smell of aftershave, his whiskers in the sink, leaving the toilet seat up, made me giggle every time. I think he did it just to hear me laugh. He had to work so hard for my trust. He loved it!

Letting myself lapse into the memories is a luxury I resist. 

Stay in the present moment, Brenda.

Be strong.

You can do this.

You got this, girl!

Michael

Matthew

Michael

Marcus

Michael

Matthew

Michael

Matthew

Michael

It goes through my head in a sound loop. The names he and I loved, that we argued over for when we had our son, his son, okay, okay!

Have to stay focused on the present moment. I still have bills to pay and lots of month left. No money for food if I don't put in the work.

Since ex huzz screwed my finances so badly, I have to do more..

It's a fact of life, I can do this, alone....always alone, my fate in life.

What do you do to cope with the storms of life?

Feel free to leave a comment below.

I won't bite.....hard. 

It's Coming to Get Me!


I'm focused on the now, this present moment. The beauty of mindful, positive living, positive thinking.

The ghost of nostalgia is chasing after me.

First, having to relive some of the traumatic events that occurred when I was assaulted while serving in the USAF. Having to write a detailed account of events, for my appointment with the VA last week. My memory is very, clear, full of detals. Having to write the names of my assailants, approximate dates, places, details. It was painful, difficult, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. Just a fun time - not!

Then, thinking about my Uncle Leonard upon his passing. Am still working through that. I WILL work through it.

Now, as much as I love classical music playing while I work.......I didn't realize how much classical music was a part of my childhood. 
It's all coming out of the woodwork tonight, baby!!!!!!
At least, it's coming out of the channel I created on my Smart TV. I didn't select each musical number. I selectd composers, era's, a few genre such as romantic, relaxing, refreshing ~~ r r r.
Much of the music my beloved grandfather listened to, music, my teachers used in band practice, in church choir is playing. Even the beautiful German lullabye my sister used to sing is on there. 
Gute Nacht by Johannes Brahms
My sister has such a beautiful singing voice. It's powerful, sweet and comforting. She definitely got all the music talent in the family.

I sing best when I sing solo ~ so low no one can hear. :)

Getting a triple whammy of nostalgia dropped on me this past week has not been pleasant. It's best to live in the present moment. When spending time dwelling on the past, it held me back from enjoying the present moment which, when it's gone, it's gone. When spending time worrying about the future, it makes a person miss what is currently happening. 
This is my reasoning. 
Staying fully appreciative of now is best for me.
Dwell on the past if you wish, if it brings you happiness, comfort.
Worry about the future if that works ~ worrying only gives gray hair, pimples, wrinkles. Hey, if it's working for you, go for it! *smile*
I'll stay in the present moment.

I do not long for the past, nor do I worry for the future. For, I am supremely grounded here, in the present moment. ~ Tagore

Tagore is an East Indian poet. I listen to everything, especially when I'm struggling, as I am struggling, now. Listening to positive, uplifting readings, helps me coast, fake it until I make it. Deepak Chopra has helped me through many trying times, buoyed me up when I was down, grounded me when, too mesmerized by joy.

Please read this, below, please let these beautiful words roll over your mind, like whipped cream on your tongue.

"The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day runs through the world, dancing in rhythmic measures.
It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth in numberless blade of grass and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers." ~ R. Tagore

This is joy, this is zest for life according to Deepak Chopra.

**************************************************

I will

I will be thankful for the lessons taught to me
In the past by my many past mistakes
It's now that defines me

I will have hopeful wondrous joyful bliss
For the possibilities of tomorrow
With absence of expectation

I will stay in the present moment
Sun shining on my smiling face
Warmed without burning

I will myself to look for the joy in every day
I will myself to forgive the past
I will allow the future to unfold
In an opportunity to embrace bliss
I will

~ B~