The Ride

When I'm living my life throughout the days
Something in my mind that somehow stays

In the sun and trees and in the soft cool of the forest
Capturing memories to comfort me when I feel the poorest

Mountains in the distance with the scent of course
The musty herbal scent I love that is of a horse

Sharing the experience of it that perhaps may be hiding
Loving to take others along for the experience of riding

Horses are unique beings with majesty & mischief to disarm
The love of horses has always been with me in all of its charm

Gone

Gone are the times of sleepless nights
Baking cookies
Flying kites
Gone are the hugs with an I love you kiss
Tooth fairy
Such tenderness
Gone are the family dinners I made
Home baked bread
Tables carefully laid
Gone are the dreams of being at all their weddings
Their first kisses
Line dried bedding
They grow up they leave they mostly forgot
My sacrifices
There were a lot
There may be visits once every two or three years
A few phone calls
When a schedule clears
So many years of work with not a minute to myself
Now I'm like a toy
Discarded to a shelf
Picking up where I left off I will become
Who I was
And then some
Before children before life became what it did
As a single girl now
The free spirit I hid
Flowing forward in this river of time I will go
Being who I really am
They will never know
Only one child out of four who expresses such care
I keep in my heart 
Take it everywhere
In this world there is joy and the pain left behind
Pressing ever forward
In all the good I can find

Hello dear friend

Do you remember this?

It's been a long road 
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
My time is finally near
And I will see my dreams come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna change my mind
No they're not gonna hold me down

Cause I've got faith of the heart
I'm going where my heart will take me
I've got faith to believe
I can do anything
I've got strength of the soul
And no ones gonna bend or break me 
I can reach any star
I've got faith 
I've got faith
Faith of the heart

It's been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I finally have my day
I will see my dream come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they're not gonna hold me down no more
No they're not gonna change my mind

***************************************************

If you're a bit of a Trekkie aka Star Trek fan, you might know this by heart. Faith of the heart, lol. Performed by Russel Watson.

I have been house sitting for a month now and the TV/WiFi/ Cable
set up?
OMGoodness!!

It's enough to make me want to go back home to Texas & set up a similar media schmorgasborg for my home!
Almost.
I HAVE been enjoying Trekking out on this. I'm 100% straight, however, I have to admit T'Pol is quite sexy, for a Vulcan, lol.
Caveat ~ Faith of the Heart is a bit of an earworm. It is for me, anywho. I had to add it to my workout music.

Cause I've got faith, faith of the heart!

Garbage Dumps & Temples

When you saw the title of this blog, did any lil thing come to mind?

Did the correlation come to you as a feeling of happiness? or satisfaction? (Mick Jagger can't get none) or guilt? or curiosity?

It amazes me to see that people who talk of God, heaven, angels, sin, evil, devils, etc, think it's okay to have the  practice of polluting their bodies with garbage.
Whether it be junk food, processed chemicalized food (not really food) alcohol & excessive alcohol, substances that dull the mind & senses.
The list is long!

Nicotine
Caffeine
Morphine
Excessive sugar
Excessive salt

While taking in substances whether moderate or excessive are harmful, not getting enough of others is also contrary to Scriptures, contrary to the commands of our Heavenly Father.

Most people who would not consume these substances, would never place a weight on their bed to insure it's constantly in use, will neglect their health with a lack of sleep, with over worked bodies.
The workaholics, the people who are constantly in "GO" mode, might as well be consuming alcohol when living in a constant state of sleep deprivation.
In fact, less than 7 hours nightly, is asking for future problems.

Some of us ARE living this way or know of others who are living this way.

Both unhealthy food & beverage as well as lack of adequate rest are just as damaging. Just as important as the command from Heavenly father to treat our bodies as temples. If a person deprives themselves of adequate sleep might as well start smoking, start consuming copious amounts of alcohol. The damage is the same.

1Corinthians 6: 19 - 20.

Oh, people can skirt the issue as much as they wish. Right is still right, wrong is still wrong whether it's acknowledged or denied.

Being less of a religious person, more of a spiritual person, I see the wisdom in this. 

The wisdom that is put in all of us, to rest when our bodies tell us to rest is actually more of a spiritual principle. A command from the Bible therefore a command from Heaven, often ignored by people who proclaim themselves as Christians, followers of Jesus Christ. To ignore this simple principle will bring health problems.

If you had a beautiful home, then, kept a whirr of activity going on in it 24/7 for many decades, it would surely fall into premature decay, sure ruin. 

This is something to consider.

Human beings are created that we would have joy. Failing in following simple commands in the healthy care of these bodies on loan from our Creator, is to sin against ourselves.

Have I been guilty of this? Of course, not. LOL. Yes, I have.
Am I still guilty of this? Less so in present day, I'm a work in progress. Still, working on remaining conscious of the ways I treat this vessel on loan from heaven. 
Striving for a more heavenly body. ♥

In this world where the love of money has caused corporations to pervert the very sustenance they sell, in packaging that is so appealing. The beauty of the exterior disguises the poison inside.

It has been many years, many generations, since people began to consume chemicalized, more commonly known as processed substances referred to as "food".

Many people either don't know how to feed their temple in a healthy way or they don't want to know. Turning to the healthy life practices to care for our temples is to be the proverbial salmon, using last struggles to swim upstream. Salmon will die after a relatively short life, no matter what they do. 

Isn't it great to be a human with choices?

Garbage dump or Temple?

(Let that sink in)

My Secrets

Here it is, peeps!

Letting the secret weapon out of the secret vault.
(A proverbial vault)

As I move on through time, because I refuse to get older, learning as well as adjusting has become a part of this life experience.
Learning, growing in grace, in knowledge. 
Change is inevitable, making changes of my own free will is a beautiful thing!
Although it may take some time, I am moving toward a plant based diet, free of animals & animal products. This may take a few months or a few years. idk. 
My crystal ball was lost a while back. R.I.P.

I found a recipe for what has become my go-to. The recipe was found in a very unlikely place. As a lover of Glamour Magazine for most of my life, I also like Teen Magazine. Just like I buy my shoes from the little girls shoe section (the shoes are way more cute!) I enjoy the fresher perspective.
In the back of an issue of Glamour Mag, I found this recipe of delish!

Carrot Ginger Soup

2 lbs full size carrots
1" - 2" ginger root
3 cups hot water (can use a T or so of REAL butter if you wish)

Clean carrots, slice into 1/4 " pieces. Peel ginger root. Slice into small pieces.
Sauté' 1/2 of carrot with all of the ginger root in water with a bit of butter if you want to use butter. When carrots & ginger are slightly softened from cooking, process to a puree with enough hot water to desired consistency. My Nutri-Bullet Pro is great for this! Pour puree' into a sealable container. Sauté' remaining carrot slices until softened. Add to carrot pure'. Enjoy!
*Can also add onion, celery or any desired veggie with second half of carrots.

**********************************************************************************

On the first day, I will add a scant dash of salt after heating 1 ladle full of soup into a bowl. The flavor seems to become deliciously more developed by the second day. Moving away from using a microwave oven, I heat a ladle full in a small pot on my stove.

This soup is very filling, low in calories, eat as much as you want!

Have you heard of the celery juicing kick that has taken hold recently? I started juicing (bought the juicer at almost the same time as the Nutri-bullet Pro) then consuming 16 oz of celery juice every day, approx. 8 days ago. 
It takes 2 Coeurs de Celeri' aka ~ Ceri! 

2 Celery hearts. 

Although it may sound gross or unappetizing, you can pay the farmer, now, or pay the doctor later.

I kinda like paying the farmer, now. That's just me.

Game Changer

The subject in this blog entry has puzzled me for awhile.

Influencers in the world who think they are putting positive messages out there which are phrased in the negative.

Today will be added to history...….or at least cause a few people to think. To think of your thoughts, maybe ask yourself questions.

The worlds people often speak in the negative. It's what children hear from a very new-to-life age. Speaking in the negative.

Is it a small thing that can have great impact?

YES

Most certainly, speaking, thinking, writing, constructing art with words phrased in the negative has impact.
It takes practice to think, write as well as speak in the positive. 

Several years ago, it became necessary for me, to begin to train myself to speak, write, think in the positive. From the time of being a newborn, I was exposed, as nearly everyone is, to negative speech, written words, even negative attitudes bordering on hostile.

I decided to change.

It took effort, being more conscious of my thoughts first as well as foremost. Thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become deeds. Deeds & words make up a whole life.

In the process, replacing negative words with positive words & phrases was, still is, paramount to this small yet important endeavor!

When I'm surfing the net, I see it, all the time. 

People will post memes, trying to get a positive point across, yet, the very words of the memes, sometimes even their own words, invariably, are phrased in the negative.

Dear peeps, positive thinking, reading, writing makes big impact!

Time to be positive. You got this. You can do this. Trust yourself.

Even those memes posted by people who are trying to communicate a positive constructive message, are phrased in the negative.
It seems dangerously counter-productive.

In training my mind to think in the positive, I began to eliminate, as much as possible, negative phrasing.
I may have missed a few, I'm human.
I reserve the right to be wrong. I can own up to errors.

This is the short list:

Don't
Not
No
Never
Fail
Won't 
Can't

A very short list, indeed. Also, a good place to start.

When a persons thoughts, inside their head, where only they can hear the running dialogue, it is often a diatribe. Often, it is the person themselves, railing at themselves for something they said or something they may have done.
Self talk can be a best friend or an enemy.

You have the power, you have the ammo! You have the script, the canvas is empty, you have the brush & paint to make it better!

If you start changing your phrases inside your mind to speak to yourself as you would to someone beloved by you, it can make a very powerfully positive change in your life.

Perhaps you could start by taking 5 minutes each day for 7 days, being conscious of your thoughts, speaking, writing. Being vigilant to phrase in the positive.
In the following 7 days, do the same for just 10 minutes per day.

If you're the go hard or go home type (love those!) then, by all means, start with 1 hour instead of 5 minutes, increasing it to 2 hours in week two. Then, so on.

Keep increasing by an additional hour every 7 days.

According to science, it takes, on average, 66 days for a person to form a habit. If you can keep re-forming your thoughts, speech, writing, deeds, you will become a more positive person in approximately 66 days. It can change your life!

https://jamesclear.com/new-habit

Caveat ~ Reframing your thoughts & actions to the positive will make you more sensitive to the negativity around you. You might even turn away from those people you were previously unaware, were bringing you into a less than positive state of being.

Additionally, your tastes in music, media consumption, even some foods, will begin to change. So much more!

As a sensitive intuitive, when I began this transformative process I became sensitive to color, darkness, gloomy music, negative words in my media consumption.

In truth, I wanted to sing it out to everyone! I had swallowed the proverbial "red pill" if you will, I wanted so passionately (my passionate nature sometimes bites me in the okole) to share this wondrous way of being with EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

Most people are less than further along in this desire as I was.

Most people shy away from change or something that they have skipped the memo, on.

It's easier to muck around in the mire that is negative thinking, constant anxiety, woe is me. 

Changing your thinking is available to every person who is 6 feet above ground. Everyone can do this when they choose to do it!

On this day, I wish to give you a bonus!

You can use this or you can develop your own mantra.

When a person is trying to change a detrimental something into a positive something, it is crucial to replace the former with the latter. When a negative thought just begins to bud in your mind, replace it with one of these or develop your own.

Mantras:

I can do this, this is who I am, a positive person.

The world is a beautiful place.

Life is going to be different for me as I change, as I grow.

Transformation from a grub to a butterfly is how I roll!

This is a good place to start!

GO!

The Man

                                      

He calls and texts me late at night when the world is asleep

He knows that I will be awake with the crazy hours I keep

We speak of life of love of things we both hold most precious

We speak of lovely thoughts we have that delight and refresh us

I could have never known how much he would mean to me 

I was in a dark place when he saved my life,oh, what was to be

Us humans can be such queer creatures made up of way more

Us people who struggle with life death taxes can be such a bore

Late in the night I hear the ring tone that I have assigned to him

As he calls on me irregularly at the end of his day on a whim

I love his words his laugh his ways of being so firm so very kind

He is one of those I will never forget could never leave him behind

Witness to Greatness

When you have experienced a connection with someone who is larger than life, it changes you.

Have you had this experience?

The person can be a celebrity or someone you were emotionally close with. Someone who, in spite of their larger than life presence, makes time for you, is gracious with undivided attentiveness.

When you experience this interaction, it will often inspire you to be like them, to be gracious, to be kind. To be kind even in the face of rudeness when you have every reason to be angry, to lash out.
It exudes it's own brand of calm, cool, collected charisma.

Having known or briefly experienced that sort of presence only a few times in my brief runs around the tree, it was enough. It changed me in ways that words can only half capture, though, I'm trying!

What does it feel like to be in the presence of angels souls
With just enough earthbound influence to know they are mortal
One who has surpassed their wildest imagining of life goals
Feeling they can pass through the sting of deaths portal
Knowing they didn't ring the bell

These magnificent people who have mostly conquered living
These super human beings who have little more than a clue
Of their greatness in life with all that they do by just giving
Humility of spirit unaware that their presence is changing you
Greatness in motion

***************************************************************

Worm Song

Do you remember The Worm Song? It's kind of like the stereotyping Baby Shark song of today. 
Both are just as annoying. Just as wrong.

If you never heard it, it goes like this.

Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I'm gonna eat some worms
Big ones 
Little ones
Ooshy -Gooshy- Squishy ones
I'm gonna eat worms and die
Because nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I'm gonna eat worms and die


Did that jog your memory?

From a practical point of view, in survival school, it is taught that eating worms is actually a great source of protein as long as you eat the right ones. Just sayin'.
Ask Pumbaa. Slimy yet satisfying. Ha ha!

In this world of trillions of people, there are going to be people who don't like you as well as people who like you.
People who won't like you no matter what you do.
People who will like you just for being you.

That's the way the world is, the way people are.

It kinda stinks at times, sometimes it's best to just carry on & not give a rip who likes/loves you & who doesn't like/love you.

It can become tricky when that person is a family member, someone who clearly doesn't like you no matter what you say or what you do. It's their problem yet it can pose a problem for you.

Case in point ~ My eldest child's husband despises me. He doesn't have to say a word, it's clearly expressed in his actions. He hampers my daughters communication with me as well as other family members. 
My daughter will ask him to keep an eye on their 4 children so that she can have a conversation with me. He agrees to it, then locks himself in his office to play on the computer, he's locked everyone out. Of course, her 4 children are running around, fighting, screaming, getting into things. He knows it will make a conversation with me shorter, so, although he has agreed to watch their children, he just lied, all to keep my daughter from a relationship with her mother.
He's insecure, possessive, very controlling, wants her  & their 4 children, all to himself. 
This is quite sad, as he is depriving his 4 children of a relationship with me that could enrich them. If someone is to have a relationship with a small child, they must have a relationship in good standing with BOTH parents. 
If he gets pissed off at reading this, nothing much will happen. My daughter and I have only spoken on the phone twice since December 2018.
Maybe, someday, he will put away childish things, realize his errors, before it's too late. I can hope.

Now, the other sort ~ There is a friend who I have known for most of my life. She is someone who is there for me no matter what. 
Oh, I have done some bonehead things, yet, she still loves me in spite of that.
She also cares enough to call me out on a faux pas.
She helped me to curb what she calls, my acid tongue. She was right! 
Mm Hm.
Her loving friendship has no limits. No limit of money, time, counsel, good advice & emotional support.
She's a keeper!

What do you do, when you sense that someone doesn't like you? From my experience, nothing! Carry on being you!
Oh, I tried to bring the son in law around with gifts, trying to get to know him. All he did was pump me for information, then, do research to prove to himself that I was lying whether I was, or not. He creates his own reality, that's all it is.
Typical insecure move. 
Discrediting me to make him feel better about himself or at least better than me. 
If someone is searching for truth, they will find truth.
If someone is looking to discredit someone, they will find ways to discredit someone. That person, doesn't like the one they are seeking to discredit. This can apply to any situation.

Personally? I don't give a #2.

Instead of being outraged, I was busting up laughing on the inside. I witnessed someone struggling to feel secure by putting someone else down, namely me, while revealing who they are. A deeply immature & insecure male, feeling threatened by his wife's mother. Sad.

To quote the song by Kelis ~ You don't have to love me, you don't even have to like me but you WILL respect me.
  http://smarturl.it/KelisSpot?IQid=Kel...


I will concentrate on those who do like me, who do love me & pay a modicum of attention to those who don't.  Acknowledging them as fellow beings, on their own path in life.
We are all on our own path, I will continue on mine.

Eating worms is absent from my foreseeable future. tyvm.

Hakuna Matata, y'all!

What do you know?

Many things, as in, pieces of information that people think they know, they just might know it. Sometimes people think they know, when they truly don't.
There are varying levels in between knowing or not knowing.

50 shades, lol.

The person who is bedraggled, waiting for a handout at the freeway exit ramp was born naked, as we all are. There's a story within all of us.
Some people would say it's secret when, in fact, it's private. Though, sometimes it is secret.

Again, 50 shades in between.

When people act out of self protection, self preservation, they are often called out or thought of as selfish, mean, uncaring. Society has done this to people.

This is somewhat personal, to me. 

For many years, I ignored the symptoms of PTSD caused by MST. It was stuffed down deep.

Like Cleopatra, Queen of denial.  😉

When a bit of instability touched me, I sucked it up, suffered in silence when the night terrors set in. Putting a brave face on, so that no one could sense my inner turmoil, I carried on.

There is no one else to blame except myself. I allowed it, again & again because I thought I was being kind. Being kind is a part of who I am. I love to help others. 
Before I was made to face the price of helping others at the cost of my own emotional pain, I allowed myself to get into some very sticky situations. 
Afterward, I braved through the night terrors, anxiety, panic attacks that are the wonderful world of PTSD/MST.

With the help of a fellow veteran & a good counselor, I learned to put my own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.
I learned that it's healthy to take a break or momentarily turn away from unstable situations for my own peace of mind.

Being self centered is often touted as a negative.
Yet, the very definition of the unhealthy existence of co-dependent is for one person to center themselves around 1 person or many. 

People have their own independent situations, lives, ideas, baggage, thoughts. They will sometimes be less than kind, less than caring which sometimes causes the one who is in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with them, to sustain serious emotional damage.  
Only, however, when as well as if they allow it.

There's the kicker!

OUCH!

Having learned to prevent being kicked, the kicks are fewer & far between, though, they still occur occasionally.

Holding myself accountable for what I allow as well as what I don't, is important. Taking full responsibility for my own actions as well as inaction is key to maintaining balance in my life.

This keeps most of the night terrors, anxiety, depression at bay.

Of course, the damage is done. I will always have to deal with PTSD/MST to varying degrees for the rest of my life.
Tricky?
Yes.
Manageable?
Yes.
Knowing my limits, keeping my boundaries is crucial. 

Many people either don't understand or refuse to understand when I withdraw from a person, place or event that is threatening to my peace of mind. Putting my proverbial life jacket on before trying to help someone who is drowning. 

Peeps! There are thousands of drowning people out there. 
I used to be one of them before I did the painful work to learn to not burn.
To learn how to stay afloat to help others without being dragged under by someone I was trying to save.

This is a tricky lesson to learn.

The very sad aspect of this?

Every person must learn this on their own. People have to follow their path to learn to stop doing the stupid things that only bring them sadness, anger, misery. Once a person has learned to keep boundaries in place, if they have not learned it in childhood, life will become more peaceful.

Unfortunately, in 3 phases of my life, my boundaries were breached over and over. As a child 10%, as a military person 80%, as a wife & mother 10%. So much so, mainly in the second part, that I had no foggy clue until 2012.
It was a turning point, a game changer.

It may have come to me later in life, yet, it came to me, after many pain filled struggles, I'm so grateful to have learned.

Take gentle, compassionate care of your own struggles. The kindest thing you can do is to leave others to find their way. To try to show them the way is futile. The timing has to be right.

Thinking you are helping a creature to emerge from a chrysalis is actually detrimental, even lethal. 

All of us humans have to fight our own battles, attain our own growth, attend to our own needs. To depend on others
when help is truly needed is healthy.
To expect people to come to our rescue over & over, only works for Batman & you know, the bat signal!

When a person lets themselves pass through the innocence of childhood, the pain of adolescence, the ignorance that comes after the teenage years (when they still think they know everything).

Then, leaving the foolishness, partying, lawlessness behind, allowing yourself to own adulthood with the somberness of responsibility while still remaining playful, this is key. 

Peeps!

Be a butterfly (guys, you can be moths if you wish!)!
Also, tasting with your feed is less than wise!

What do I know? 

More than I used to, I still have a lot to learn!

Bienvenue à mes amis en France!

To my new audience en France'!

Welcome, you honor me with your readership!

While I lived in Kaiserslautern, Deutscheland, 
I grocery as well as "other" shopped en France'!

I had a great deal of enjoyment, shopping in Cora, having my bras & panties custom constructed in Bitche'. It was pure pleasure.

The time I spent in France was very memorable. The misty spring morning I walked under le Tour Eiffel was so very memorable! Eating a cranberry gelato, looking up in wonderment. I even bought a watercolor from a sidewalk artist. Typical tourist? Mais oui!

Tonight, when I saw that I have readers in France, I was very delighted. French is my favorite language. France was the most memorable country of all of my travels. I traveled a lot!

My friends in France : 
I love your country!!!
I love your parfum, even l'eau de toilette.
I love your food!
I love the beautiful sound of your accent!
I love your accent to your language!

Maybe it has a slight bit to do with being born on Bastille Day!

Whatever it is that I love about your beautiful country, I hope you enjoy my personal blog.

Calins & Appreciation mes amis!

In Colorado

Driving through with the rocky mountain high
Altitude sickness looms as lightning splits the sky

Walking through the USAFA all up in my mind
Daydreaming of the new adventures I will find

Colorado for a little over a month to help out a friend
Then going back to Texas when it comes to an end

There's so much to remember with some I can't recall
Others may remember that which I don't at all

With the short time I have to stir up a bit of fun
The residual bad memories will give way to a happy one

☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘☘   
Dear readers & readerettes (kinda like dudes & dudettes) I wish you health and wealth.
Even more than this, I wish you love.
If you have to wait, you'll meet once again, you'll have a second chance. Life can be like that!

Simple Girl

As a happy single girl I need scarcely much
Just a kind word a smile or a tender touch
Sweet smelling flowers placed upon my table
More truth from others with much less fable
Ocean that's warm with a sugar sand beach
With a glass of ice water within my reach
Fresh fruit or fresh veggies or a combo platter
As long as it's healthy it truly won't matter
The laughter of children as they play by the shore
I know it's paradise for me as I've had this before

Counselors, Teachers & Frogs

We learn from each other if the timing is right
Teaching as well as guiding those of our beloveds
To strive to walk closer to the healing of the light

Wise counsel is crucial if we are to lift the fog
When the world tells us we are too unworthy
The truth is that the child of a frog is a frog

Got Pictures?

It's all the rage, darlings!

When recounting a moment, an adventure or simply a concept, often, people have asked if I have pictures of it. The knee-jerk reaction in me is ~ "Do you think I'm lying?"
Refraining from asking the question because the answer might infuriate me. Might disappoint or simply annoy!

Having had some quite surprising adventures, I glory in the moment, imprint it upon my memory. It's less so that I am unwilling to completely share.
The simple truth is that I loathe taking photos or even being photogged! 

Theory #1 - Perhaps this comes from far back in childhood. Often times my mother would tell me she didn't want to take a photo of me. Her cruel reasoning was because I was, in her opinion, too ugly, too fat, too skinny, too something. Sometimes she simply ignored my request. In her defense, it's quite common for a childs pleas to "watch me" or "take my picture!" to be ignored on the grounds of, it's just annoying!

Theory #2 - As a first term AMN in the USAF, I kinda sorta stumbled upon becoming a free lance model. The story is long, tedious, sounds a bit too self important, so, we shall skip it. tyvm. 
It became a bit of a problem when my military commander saw some of the photos & was less than pleased.
Also, many of the guys on the base where I was, started snapping photos of me at random!
Keep in mind that although I was the 15th SPS Youth Festival Rep for queen of the festival, this chik was a minor, even less than minor celbrity! Take it down a notch, yeah, less than that!
Always the humble, fun loving, small town girl who got out!
Way out!
The cameras would pop up along with their operators, often frightening the bejesus out of me!

Theory # 3 - People in today's world are photo obsessed! Add to that, video obsessed. Just because they can.
Many people seem to have a sense of entitlement. They have the means therefore they have the right to video or snap anywhere, of anyone & anything they wish simply because they wish to.
Isn't that the spirit of self entitlement?
When the subject or victim, as it were, requests to be left out of the video or photo, said requests are often met with vehement berating. Yes, berating.
Personally been there, personally had the experience.
Add to the demands & berating, the fact that the video & photos will most likely be plastered all over the internet!
Even when the perp promises to keep it private. The odds are 80/20 with the internet posting being 80% it will be posted.

Perhaps, it is that the begging, nagging, pleading is irksome.

Perhaps it is that I have had stalkers who may find the pictures, do some creative wanking, then resume stalking me.

Perhaps, I like my privacy?

Ya think?

For whatever reasons or "perhaps-es", it's better to show some respect, some courtesy. When a request to please respect & refrain, within reason, maybe ya oughtta respect & refrain ? JS!

Another option might be to ask permission first with less cajoling, begging in the moment or in future, refrain from the "throwing in the face" tactic, "Well, you allowed it 2 years ago!"  😁

Hey, can I get a selfie with you?

😈😇

Live Life or Die Trying

What is your dream? Your dream life?

Will you live it? Are you living it?

Whenever I have gone on an "adventure", if I spoke of it to certain people, they would caution me, essentially, discouraging me.
I learned to keep it to myself in regards to telling "certain" people.

I love to travel, have done a lot of traveling! Domestic, International. It's all so very enriching.

I am a single girl, often, especially on road trips, I'm the only person in the car. I travel as 1 person, 1 taser, fully charged.

Translation: 
As long as a persons intent toward me is good, all will be well.
When it's the other. All will be less than well.

I have tased in self defense thrice. Am fully willing to do it again only when absolutely necessary. It's less than enjoyable for me. I would much rather help than harm. 

Carrying a taser makes me feel empowered! Less costly than a firearm, can be carried across state lines legally. Less deadly, delivers enough pain to get the message across, cause a prospective perp to back off.

This is more about enjoying life, having an adventure! Recently I drove to Colorado, where I used to live, to visit a friend. When I went into a grocery store, I was in the flowers & plants section. A person I knew when I lived in CO, saw me,  smiled, gave me a friendly hug. A truly nice guy. One of the few I met when I lived in Colorado. It was nice to see him again! A surprising part of the adventure!

I'm seriously considering becoming a W-Woofer! After my Colorado adventure is over, that is.
W-Woof is a sort of work for B & B. Working on farms as well as other places where manual labor is needed. B & B is given in exchange for labor. Kinda the way people should be raising their children to teach them a good work ethic, yet, most, are not.
Being a W-Woofer is in so many countries.

So live. And love. It's an awfully big adventure. ~ Alice

Do you want someone to truly love you?

If you want someone to love you unconditionally, to be there for you, to be a friend for life. Most likely, having a baby, will not give you what you want.
Oh, when they are still in single digits, they are sweet. Even as tween-agers, they still need almost everything from you, so, they will love you, be nice to you, especially when they want something.

Once that sweet baby you endured the pain of giving life to, has a job, their own money, often, most of that loving sweetness disappears.

In my experience as a mother with grown children, living their independent, self supporting lives. I hear more about everything I did wrong, less about what I did right.
The fact that all 4 are educated, self supporting, happily married, adults. All 4 are free of detrimental addictions, all 4 have not been sentenced to jail time for anything.

According to one of those 4 children, they are, all 4, successful in spite of me, not because of me. Just slice my heart open, now.
It gives the same effect.

These 4 children forget that they were not exactly 100% angels all the time. I still loved them dearly. Add to this, the fact that their father undermined my parenting. He just wanted to be a kid, wanted to be their friend.
This forced me to have to be the adult, to actually be a parent, essentially, I had to be the bad guy. 

One time, I actually WAS the bad guy. Really bad. Bad ass!
A 15 year old girl who was twice my size was harassing my 2 older children who were 9 years old and 7 years old, on the school bus. When my precious 9 year old daughter came home with a big red hand print from a slap, on the side of her face, I went full mama lion!
The school would not help me, nor would the bus garage or the drivers (it was DOD schools, Russian drivers who didn't speak English). I went with the intent to reason with the girl, to give her my phone number to call me if she had a problem with one of my children.
The next day, after school, the students were coming out to board the school buses. I approached her, offered her my phone number written on a slip of paper.
As soon as she realized who I was, she grabbed the hair on both sides of my head and screamed "Biiiiiiitch" and spat in my face.
Home girl clearly had no clue who she was messing with. My self defense training when I was Security Forces in the USAF kicked in at that moment.
Her hands were occupied, holding onto my hair very tightly, I reached up to place my hands pressing down on her shoulders while simultaneously bringing my knee with full force to slam into her pelvic bones. She screamed and fell backwards, still gripping my hair. She pulled me over on top of her, straddling her big soft belly with my knees. Perfect position to punch her face.
Perfect!
She was a noob, messing with mama lion!
I began punching her face telling her to let go of my hair.
I grabbed a handful of mud & pebbles, smeared it on her face. She loosened her grip, still held on. I punched her, again telling her it was from my 9 year old. Then I punched her again, giving her a punch from my 7 year old. The school children on the bus were cheering me on. She had been bullying several of them for a long time.
Finally, some adults from the bus garage came running to break up the fight. My adrenaline was pumping. Before I got up off of her, I got up in her face, cleared some mud from her eyes so she could see me, clearly. I spat a loogie on her face and told her:
"If you ever touch one of my children again, I will come after you twice as hard and if your mama is there, I'll beat her ass, too!"

From my prior experience as a USAF Cop, I knew that the first person to file a statement was given the most credibility. All 4 kiddos in the car, buckled in, their dad dropped the gas, going as fast as was allowed, to file an incident report  at the MP Station for the Kaiserslautern, Germany, Military Community.
As a result? Action was taken against the 15 year old, as several of the school children stated that the girl had been punching and slapping them on the bus for over a year. They, all of them, said that the 15 year old had attacked me first and that I was defending myself. That she would not let go of my hair. 
She was the step daughter of a US Army Lt COL, she had escaped punishment for previous offenses, up to that time.
I had risked a lot to protect my daughters, it was worth it. It was more than 20 years ago, yet, I remember it very clearly.

My children have forgotten that I stayed up all night on Christmas Eves, while their father went to bed instead of helping me. He and I could have created a magical Christmas for our children together AND gotten enough sleep if he had helped me.

My children have also forgotten that I always accepted the heel on the bread so they didn't have to eat it.

They have forgotten that for 12 years, I had 1 brassiere and 2 pairs of panties because when there was extra money, their needs came before mine. I had 1 pair of shoes for church, 1 pair for walking, 1 pair of sandals, that was it for many years.

Also forgotten & never mentioned is the fact that I made sure that their birthdays were magical, fun filled & memorable. Because we were a military family, we were sometimes in the middle of moving from 1 country to the next when it was their birthday. So, even if I had to decorate the birthday child's airplane seat then have the pilot of the plane we were on, sing "Happy Birthday" over the airplane PA system, I made sure their birthday was special.

For their birthdays, I put together a "Cowboy For A Day" party. A "Victorian Tea Party", A "Toilet Paper Princess" party at Joes Crab Shack. A lamb themed party complete with a borrowed lamb. When each of my daughters got their menses for the first time, I took them out, just the lucky daughter and me, to celebrate! To make it something positive. 
I even put together a luau for a 16th Birthday. I invited everyone from school, church, plus the entire Briargate, CS,CO, neighborhood. We had BBQ ribs, chicken, sliced pineapple, rice, home made bread and a huge sheet cake from Sam's with 5 gallons of ice cream. My 2 older daughters, who had learned Hawai'ian Hula very well, performed for the guests. I would guestimate, there were around 200 -250 people there. 
All this I did to make sure my daughter felt loved. 
It took a lot of work, planning, yes, even money, to make this happen. It's still a very clear memory. I would do it again!

Also forgotten is the lovely clothing I hand made for them. Embroidering on their clothing to make it uniquely theirs. The hand made back packs, the pillow cases with lambs, snowflakes, unicorns, kitty cats, cars and their names.

Most often, I would be so tired after having put the children to bed, cleaned up the kitchen, living room, bathrooms and then, sat down for some time for myself. As I did this I wondered if my children would appreciate the work I did, the effort it took, the long hours, when they were grown. I have my answer, now.
I would be so tired that I had to choose between brushing my teeth or taking a tinkle before dropping into bed. Sometimes I did neither. Sometimes I had enough energy left to do one or the other. Too tired to do both.

It's extremely rare that I hear about those occasions that required a lot of work, planning, negotiating & creativity to make it happen.

Those are mostly forgotten.

Often I have heard it said that children learn how to treat their mother from the example of how their father treats her. Their father was hyper critical of most of what I did, said, who I was. 
While I told my children to show respect for their father, he would often tell me, right in front of them, if I displeased him, 
"After 4 babies, you're all used up."
He will swear he only said it once (which is a lie) yet, to even say that ONCE to the mother of your children is despicable.
When I was telling one of the kiddos of their chores that had to be done or homework before play, he would tell them:
"You don't have to do homework, go outside and play"
or
"You don't have to do that, your mom never knows what the hell she's talking about."
Ex huzz also swears he never said that, either, yet, he says it in home movies, clearly heard.

After realizing that he felt that the verbal abuse plus other abuse was an acceptable way to treat me, I left him.
As little money as I had, I even paid the hefty full fee to file for a divorce. He refused to pay even half. 
It takes a lot for a woman with only a HS diploma, no viable skill to support herself to leave the security of a long marriage & children she had devoted her life to, to leave. 

I may not have been a perfect wife, I made mistakes there, too, yet, I never said "NO" to him, to sex, for the entire time we were married. Even 1 week before having a baby or 1 week after.

It was a good decision, to leave,  it was the best decision for my sanity. My one regret is that it hurt my children.

Perhaps, my children's demonizing of me is fueled by their resentment of me for leaving their father. 
More likely, their attitudes toward me were taught to them by the lack of respect their father had for me. Filing for a divorce was one of the few things I did for myself in so many years. In time, hopefully, they will, all 4, understand, then stop telling me everything I did wrong.

This is NOT a card I received, it does, however, evoke, in me the way it makes me feel when I am told what a witch of a mother I was.

When each of my children came to me, as they reached adult age, to tell me what I did wrong, it hurt me so badly. It hurt me so deeply, I cried for many hours once they could not hear me or see me sobbing.
As they listed the many crimes I had committed, I simply offered a sincere apology. Whether it deserved an apology or not, I validated their feelings, their pain, by apologizing to them.
Some of what they "remember" is actually incorrect as is proved by family photos, the sequences in a timeline.
Yet, my deep love for my children, is stronger than my pain, stronger than my indignation when I am demonized.

So, I simply give them a hug, apologize & validate their feelings.

As a parent, I made mistakes. Stupid mistakes, as all parents do.

I'm human, I make mistakes, I reserve the right to be wrong. I was wrong in some of the things I did. None of these things were illegal. None of these mistakes could have caused my children to be taken from me. Abuse doesn't have to be very severe to cause a child to feel pain that is, unfortunately a part of many children's childhoods.

I did, however, use psychology on my children.

I found that grape kool aid, mixed extra strong, tastes just like a children's medicine, that made them go to sleep. Placebo effect!

After the bottle of sleep inducing medicine had become empty, I rinsed it out with soap & hot water, put a mark on the bottle so as not to confuse it with the real medicine. I poured the grape kool aid into the clean, empty medicine bottle.
When I desperately needed one or 2 or all 4 to go to sleep, I gave it to them. They knocked out instantly & I had some time to myself.
This was always in the evening, within 2 hours or so of their bed time.
They didn't figure it out for many years. it was genius!

Then there was the time I decided to teach the kiddos the power of prayer. Their father had been working some very long hours, they loved & missed him. One day, after he had gone to the office early that morning, he phoned me, told me that he was going to be able to come home for the rest of the day at 1030 am. I thought of a plan, quickly, then asked him to make sure it was exactly 1030 when he walked in the door.
As my kiddos expressed to me, with sad faces that they missed their daddy, I gathered them around me. I asked each of them what they thought about praying, about the power of prayer.

Mm Hm, you see where this is going, riiiight?

I told them that prayer is a powerful force, that if they missed their father, they should pray and be specific about what they wanted. Such as, praying for their father to come home early, specifically at what time. 
How about, 1030? 😇
As we sat there, praying, the kiddos prayed in earnest. Afterward, they played, sang, talked, with one eye on the front door, the other eye on the clock!!!!!
At exactly 1030, their father walked in the door.
The kiddos were so shocked, squeals of pure joy, shouts of, 
"Prayer really does work!"
Again, I felt it was genius on my part!
None of them have mentioned that in their criticism of me as their mother, either. The 2 younger ones might not remember.

The whole point of this blog entry is that, if you want to feel loved, to be loved, it's very uncertain that you will get that, for life, from a child you adopt or give birth to. 
Learn to love yourself or get a pet, your odds are much higher that you will receive unconditional love, for their life, with you, from a pet.
Find a hobby that gives you immense pleasure, find something to be passionate about. Whatever it is, let it create a fire inside you for the love of that hobby!
As cliché as this sounds, you must love yourself before anyone can truly love you.

My children are, all 4, very accomplished people. Very attractive physically, as it has been pointed out to me by many other people, kind hearted, intelligent. Each of them has a great sense of humor, each of them delight in helping others.
I only wish that all 4 of them would direct more of that kindness, compassion, respect toward me for the many years of work I put in to help them be the people they are, now.