The Price of Peace

During this time in my life, I'm happy to say ~

I have more peace.

Life is imperfect for me as it is with many people. There is very little expectation for it to be perfect. Perfect is over rated. 

If your life is perfect?

Take a long look at yourself, you might be a dog. 

When divorcing in 2007, I found myself completely alone for the first time in my entire life. As a child, I had my parents, siblings, neighbors, extended family, school classmates.

While serving in the USAF, there were room mates, work associates, social events.

After marriage there was the huzz (now he is ex-huzz), then children, fellow church go-ers, military community people.

When I divorced? 

Most people deserted me. 

People who I only thought were friends turned their backs on me. 

The people who had been appointed as guardians of my children, you know, "just in case", they no longer kept in touch. 

My brothers & sister, as well as other extended family didn't reach back when I contacted them. It was 1 way communication.

Only one person out of the hundreds I knew, stuck by me. My dear friend, Janice. She was there for me, she is there for me, now, consistently. My angel friend who supports me with no judgment.

Even my children became estranged from me, for a time. Only my youngest has made consistent effort to show her love & care which I am grateful for. Concentrating on who I do have is healthy.

Life was HARD for me when I was married. Full of turmoil, manipulation, verbal abuse, constant work, constant disappointment, constantly having the proverbial rug jerked from under my feet, over and over. It was easier than when I served in the military, yet, still, being married was difficult for me.

When I moved out, alone, into a place where I lived alone in a 2 BD, 2 BA town home, I had panic attacks. Maybe anxiety attacks are the same thing? I had anxiety attacks to the point of hallucinating, vomiting, being unable to get out of my bed.

It was a rough adjustment for me. 

Then, there was the horror of the single world. The equally horrible world of dating. 

Oh, people expect newly single people to laugh, smile, drink, cavort, acting as if they are having a great time! 

I was a good actress.

It was a terrible time, a deeply painful adjustment to be completely alone for the first time in my entire life. It's something that a person has to experience to know what it's like. I would wish a more positive experience for others.

I had the quiet in my life without the peace for the first 4 years. Too much quiet, in fact. The ring of silence in the air was deafening. Learning how to be single all over again was hard. That's an understatement. The single life had changed in countless ways since I had been single. I was also a different person than who I had been during my early single girl days.

For the first time in many years, I had to face, head-on, the symptoms of the PTSD from the time I served in the military. There was nothing bigger than those issues to divert my attention from it.

Truly, it seemed like it would be easy to just find someone, couple up and start a new life with a new guy, go on with life from there.

If Michael had lived, this may have been the case. Umm, nope. It didn't happen.

As time went on, I felt myself turning back into who I really am, who I was born to be, plus, many improvements. During my marriage I was forced into the mold of what others wanted me to be. Conform to their wishes in order to have peace.

4 years prior to the divorce, I started going to a gym to work out consistently for the first time in my life. Those first workouts began to change my body, yet, more importantly, they began to change my mind. The more I worked out, the more I wanted to work out, the more I worked out because I wanted to, the more steadily I began to change. Mind, body, spirit.

After many painful dating disappointments, I discovered Yoga. I went to Yoga classes 2 - 3 days weekly. This added to my metamorphosis back into who I really am. I felt the same feelings of wonder, of confidence, of serenity, coming back into my life.

6 years post divorce, I left Colorado, a place I was forced to move to by the ex huzz. That was the beginning of the end for me.

I had the worst experiences of my life in Colorado! It was a place which I hated more, the longer I was there.

I was excited to move to Texas!

It was my choice to move to Texas. Things didn't happen as I had thought they would in Texas, yet, maybe they have happened the way they are supposed to happen.

Having given up a lot to turn back into who I really am, it was the price I paid to have peace in my life, in my heart, in my mind.

This is the incomplete list of the price I paid:

Loss of family

Loss of stability

Loss of ability to sleep, fall asleep, stay asleep all night

Loss of community

Loss of identity

Loss of spiritual faith in a higher power

Loss of financial income

Loss of holiday celebrations

Loss of those who I only thought were my friends

Loss of home

This is the incomplete list of what I have gained or gained back:

Deeper understanding 

Personal identity

Sense of self

Physical health

Strength & toned body

FREEDOM!

Deeper compassion

Personal freedom to choose for myself

Financial management skills

Mechanical skills

Personal spiritual faith

I still have the recurring nightmares which is a symptom of PTSD, still, I have difficulty trusting everyone. Hopefully, these will be healed in time along with the occasional anxiety, as well as the workplace anxiety I have experienced in the past.

At the time of this writing, I do feel a deeper, greater peace than I did in 2007.

Possibly, it's because I have worked my way back to having, for the most part, control over my life. Freedom to take action to accomplish that which is important to me without fear of repercussions from those who are supposed to be supportive yet, stab me in the back at most opportunities.

I paid a price to have peace back in my life. For some people, the price may have been too difficult for them to bear.

For me?

The price was definitely high, yet, once I set the wheels into motion to leave an abusive marriage, to gain relative peace of mind, turning back was an option that left the table.

Life is different than I thought it would be. Life is, however, I believe that it is happening the way it's supposed to.

The saying, "All things happen for a reason" is false.

Things happen due to peoples actions or non-actions.

When we choose to do something we also choose not to do something else. (Unknown author of quote)

If given the choice, I will choose that which gives me peace in my heart & mind.

Peace!

*smile*