Dark Day

So.....

I barely slept last night. My stomach is hurting.

hurting

hurting

My second oldest daughter has always been rough on me. Not wanting to dwell on all that has gone on. She was a difficult child. A fierce little spirit. Soft and shy as a baby, then.........kablamm!

At 18 she was asked to leave the family home. Refused to show respect or adhere to family rules. She was so rude, so disrespectful to everyone in the family.

She was fierce, alright. Now, she would be free to be as fierce as she felt like being. She moved in with her boyfriends family, worked hard to survive, then went into the USAF, barely 18.

At 19, she was living in Florida, at Tyndall AFB when she married a guy none of the family knew much about. She kept the marriage a secret from the family for 6 months.

Sharp intuition is one of my gifts. I could tell something had changed. Daughter dear has had difficulty with telling the truth ever since she could talk. I worked on the verbiage to use so she would only be able to tell the truth.
In a phone conversation I asked her, point blank.

"Either you are legally married or you are not, Which is it?"

UGH!

She fessed up, of course, expressed remorse. Remorse at being exposed.
No remorse for the hurtful deception.

That marriage lasted 3 years, it started in deception, was fraught with deception, ended in deception.

On July 14, my birthday, daughter called me from Japan, We had not spoken since July 2013. We spoke for 3 hours, she told me about a really wonderful guy she had been dating. Told me they had talked about getting married. She reassured me over & over that she would make sure she told me well in advance if and when they were going to get married. She apologized that I was not there the first time. Promised, vehemently, that, if and when she married again, she would want me to be there, would make every effort for me to be there. I WANTED to believe her. Wanted to believe that she was being sincere. I was such a fool to believe her.

Had to find out from an email from a friend, then, a social media post that she married mr wonderful.

So much for declarations, so much for promises.  Pffft.

She had to have gotten this from her father. I'm serious.

Over the course of the time, being married to him, he lied to me constantly.

She clams to be a "Daddy's girl". Yup. Seems to be true. Just as much of a liar as her father.

When I make a promise or declaration, my words are backed up with actions. I say what I mean, mean what I say. My kiddos had a nick name for me.

"The Queen of Follow Through"

Yep, it's accurate.

I'm so sad, right now, I'm fighting the tears at work.

HATE DRAMA!!!

Have to get through this day at work, put up a happy facade as I represent the company at a business lunch. Get my work done, don't cry, don't cry. Tears are threatening to spill out of my eyes, one just rolled down my face.

Have to be strong, put some peaceful, calming music on. I'm devastated, heartbroken.

Being single is working just fine for me. I have been single for 8 years by choice. A couple guys asked me to get married,  then 3 different guys wanting me to shack up, am not a shack up kinda girl.

Today.........oh, today, it would be a deep, sweet comfort to have someone take me into his arms and squeeze, hold, kiss the sadness away, hold, soothe. Repeat.

Just today, just today, it would be wonderful to have someone who cares about me. I can dream.

It won't happen, have to be strong.

Story of my life ~ soml.

Have to be strong, no other choice.

I'll get through this.

No other choice.

Namaste