Belonging

Where do you belong?

If someone asked me that question when I was a child, I would say I belong in my Grandfathers wood shop, learning from him, enjoying his patient teaching & the attention he lavished on me. With such a large original as well as extended family, I would say I belonged in the small town where all of us lived.

When my Grandfather passed into non-physical, as his spirit still lives on in the hearts of those of us whose hearts, minds, our whole lives were influenced by him, there was no longer a desire for me to stay in Michigan. Indeed, it was time for this birdie to fly. Taking a trip to Florida gave me time to think about what direction to move in to propel me into adulthood.
A close family friend was a US Army Colonel. He sternly told me, "Do not go into the Army!"
ok
The United States Air Force! A great way of life!
ok
This was my ticket out into the world.
Now, I belonged to the US Government. Legally, physically. They really did own me!
But........I belonged.

After marrying, then separating completely from the USAF (I was 3 ranks above him which really bugged him), After a total of 8 years of belonging to the USAF, now, I belonged to a man, then eventually as a mother to my sweet babies, all 4 of them. I was part of the support system for him, his squadron as well as our church family. Over time, the geographic distance cut me off from my brothers, sisters, as well as my extended family.
Yet, I belonged. Loved being a lover, housewife, mother. Loved it. A domestic Goddess! :)
Made love to him at every opportunity anywhere, any time we could!
Kept the home immaculately clean even with 4 growing children.
Made meals from scratch, no chemicalized mixes.Home made bread, fresh fruit & veggies always!
Learned to cook, to sew, made clothes for the kiddos, even custom made their back packs for school!
Domestic Goddess Power!
I belonged.

When he became increasingly abusive, the marriage, through so many stresses, crumbled around us. Teenagers playing us against each other, his harsh control issues, my rebellion by over spending, which caused him to become more abusive, freezing me out for 1 - 2 weeks at a time until he became so horny he couldn't stand it any longer, had to clean the pipes. :(
I moved out to save my children the trauma of seeing their father escorted out by a sheriff as he said he would put up a fight, would not move out.
I paid for the divorce, we filed together, I paid for it, alright. I should have used an attorney. He screwed me out of in excess of $200K.

Having the freedom I desired was a deep relief. Where did I belong, now, though? I was living alone for the very first time in my life. Harsh anxiety attacks, depression, sleeplessness, nightmares, panic!
The adjustment was uber rough on me.
Because it WAS so foreign!
Moving through time, the man I loved, who loved me, who was planning a life with me, starting with a small beautiful wedding that I'd never had.
He died doing what he loved. Piloting an A-10 to defend American freedom.
Let me be crystal clear. I had no clue of the depth of his feelings for me until weeks after the divorce was final. Divorcing an abusive male was an act to save my sanity. For personal peace & happiness.
Am a faithful woman to the man I love who treats me with love, understanding, respect.
When the message was delivered that my beloved was gone, I was deeply devastated.

I had the business I was building, then, the economy where I was living began to tank, so, I sold my catering service. More devastation.
I felt so lost.

Many people love Colorado, it's not a bad place to be, yet it was a horrible place for me. It never felt like home to me, as hard as I tried to love it. I hiked, went horseback riding, went camping, fishing, joined a few social groups. Wondered when it would start to feel good as so many people had said.
Never happened.
After the devastation of 2011, I knew it was the icing on the shit cake. Had to leave.
Definitely belonged elsewhere!

Moving to Texas was a good decision. Fresh start, new place, time to make new memories. The friendliness of Texans, the southern hospitality, made me feel more like I belonged.

It was a time to heal.

I moved 4 times from May 2012 - February 2013. Shedding possessions from the past as I went. Rid myself of 1/2 of all I owned when I loaded up the 17' UHaul truck, dollied my car behind it, put my 2 Yorkies, Jake & Jefferson on the passenger seat then drove on down!

During the 4 times I moved, the first 3 places did not feel like I belonged. The 4th place felt like home. A 3 BD/1 BA home, new remodel with a great Landlord & a huge yard. It felt like home immediately. All wood floors, granite counter kitchen, Italian tiled bathroom. Everything was new.

Belonging in a place to live is good. More belonging is better. A work place, a social group. More.

Continuing to rid myself of the past via past possessions is healing. Freeing. Gives peace. Gives me more of a sense of belonging as I constantly re-invent my mind. Re shape my body with weight training, cardio & increasingly healthy nutrition. Reform my spirit into a feeling of peace, well being all over. Yoga, Pilates, walks around the lake. Total reform, total healing. Redundant, yes, I know.

I belong to a gym, I belong in a career I have started with room for advancement.

Feels as if I am growing younger. 

I may not stay in Texas for the rest of my life, moving to a warmer climate near the ocean is my wish.

For now, belonging in Texas is good.

I belong in TEXAS!