Beauty Sleep

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'Tis such a luxury to sleep during the day
On a soft whispered prayer to float away
All cares are released in such sweet slumber
How many or few I forget the number
Drifting along amid a soft bed just until
Sleep overtakes me takes me where it will
There is naught to disturb my minds soft repose
Cheery birdsong at my window as my eyes close
Then deeper I fall as the sand man carries me away
'Tis such a luxury for me to sleep during the day

Man of My Dreams

The man who used to fill my dreams has mostly faded now
His face his voice his laugh slipped on yet I don't know how
Gripping the memory so tightly within my creative mind
Knowing that long ago I should have left his essence behind
Easier to let go of the living than one who passed through the veil
Giving so much to someone whose love if living would never fail
Some days I wish that I could die too just to be with him still
Comforting myself knowing that when my time comes I will
Living my life day by day improving that which bears refining
Smiling as I press forward while a part of me is still pining

Those Who Love You & Puppy Principle

Ask yourself, whom do you love?
Ask yourself, who loves you?

Often, they are the same. Sometimes, they are not.

I have experienced both, like so many people, it's fairly common. The tricky part is when you like someone so much, it's easy to convince yourself that they like you, too, in the same amount.
Yet, another trickiness to add to the tricky is when the other person likes you, yet, in a different way, far less or far more. The imbalance can produce pain.

Tricky

Tricky

Tricky

What could be worse?

Those sheisters become aware of your "like". A sinister agenda develops as the sheister devises a way to extract whatever it is that could fill their purposes. Many of these individuals have done it before, very practiced at using another person to gain whatever it is that will put the feather in their cap.

It could be anything.

Attention
Money
Sex
Material goods
Knowledge
Social status

Anything, really, which is more about them than it is about a balance in the interaction betwixt 2 or more people. 

That is the telling point. The lack of balance where one person receives or even demands, with very little to give back of themselves.
Also if they won't.

There is a philosopher who I have listened to, let's just say, a lot over the past several years. He has a revealing theory on this.
It is this:

There are 3 kinds of people in your life.

1.Those who hurt you
2. Those who help you
3. Those who leave you alone

Here is a bit more explanation.

1. Those who hurt you want you to stay the same, always. If you begin to change or grow, it makes them uncomfortable. Their concern is for themselves, their comfort. They don't want you to grow emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, it threatens their paradigm. However, like a beautiful green plant, if you are not growing you will become stagnant, you may even die. Even if it's only emotionally or spiritually. A little at a time, for their comfort.


2. Those who help you really want to see you succeed. Glorying in your accomplishments even when it has nothing to do with them. Content to go with you or even sit on the sidelines to watch you shine. When you need help, they endeavor their best to be there. Your happiness is important to the ones who help you.

3. Those who leave you alone will see your suffering as a nuisance, they wish to go on with their day without you bothering them or asking anything of them. Putting in the very minimum effort so that they still feel like a good person while mostly ignoring you. These are the people who say, "I'll pray for you". Usually, they don't pray for you, they will conveniently forget. Mostly, it's something people will say so that they feel like they are a good person. Also, there is no way for you to know if they did pray for you or if they didn't. Bare minimal effort. They would rather shoot a text to you than have a conversation. Their time is more valuable to them than your wellbeing.

Which of these would you believe to be beneficial to both people involved in an interaction of any nature?
Of course, the second one is the ultimate ideal.

I have devised a theory, yep, sometimes I can devise. 🤡

I call it The Puppy Principle.
(Oh, my, aren't I clever)

There are 4 people sitting on the floor in a square, approximately 6 feet apart, COVID19 style. Ha Ha!
There is an adorable puppy in the center of the square. 

1. The puppy goes to the first person all happy, wiggly, tail wagging! After all, who could resist an adorable puppy? So sweet, soft, warm, believing that the world loves them. The first person looks at the puppy with disgust, only thinking of dirt, saliva, hair.
Puppies can't read minds, have not yet learned to read people.
The person pushes the puppy away, without a word nor a glance, only wanting it to leave them alone. 

2. The puppy goes to the second person, still hopeful, still believeing that all of the world loves them. The person is less fond of animals than most, so, he tells the puppy, 
"I'm sorry, I'm too busy right now. Go to someone else."

3. The puppy goes to the third person, still hopeful, yet, a bit less trusting. The person looks at the puppy, thinking of a way to monetize it, thinking of how they could use the puppy to get gain.
Also, the person really is a dog lover, yet, sees the puppy as more of  a means to an end. To either sell the puppy or use it to make more puppies, all to benefit the person.
The puppy enjoys the pats on the head, the person seems to be friendly enough, yet something seems out of place. 
Our puppy wants the attention, yet senses that this person has an agenda. As much as the puppy wants to stay, to bask in the attention, to feel loved, something says it's better to walk away.

4. The puppy goes to the 4th person, a bit slower, a bit cautious, yet, his tail is still wagging a little. The person looks up, a little wary, as they have encountered dogs before who were just as friendly, then bit them, maybe had a wee on their shoes. Puppy walks slowly, the person, reaching out, at first, just pats the puppy's head. Puppy's tail wags a bit more. Person 4 sees that puppy seems safe to pet, so, continues to pet the puppy. Puppy starts to realize that this person seems to be safe, seems to like puppies, so, puppy sits next to the person, leaning slightly against the person's side. It's important to go slow, after the previous encounters.
The person responds, so it goes. Over time, the puppy and person learn to trust each other, slowly, with effort on both sides. Mutual benefit. Only 1 in 20 interactions are fun, safe, happy. For a puppy or for a person in todays climate of selfishness.

*********************************************************************
Whom would you believe is the best person for puppy to trust?

Exactly.

When I was Queen B

Tonight, I began watching the belated Christmas gift, sent to me by my youngest daughter. Home movies from an earlier time, converted to a zip file.


Their privacy is important to me, so, I try to keep mention of them to a minimum. I have 4 children who are no longer children. All 4 are successful, out there, rocking the world & not to sleep! They are a custom jewelry maker/ designer, active duty USAF, a USAF jet engine mechanic, the youngest is a smart as a whip Engineer, hired immediately after college graduation with no student loan debt!!!

I love this, their successes in life. Having raised them all over the world, so, it is understandable that they are so spread out.

In truth?

I have to daily quell the ache in my heart for them. I will be that mother who refrains from hovering. I will be that mother whom, as difficult as it is, mostly, let's them come to me. This way, I know they want some of my time VS the momzillas & dadzillas who demand their adult offspring's time. Parents who guilt their children into keeping in touch.

Tonight, as I was watching these precious home movies of when my babies were still children. So sweet, so beautiful, so happy, so smart, just delightful!
I chose these adjectives as it's the way many people, even people who didn't know me or them, described my 4 little weaknesses.

I loaded the movies onto a flash drive so as to take up less space in my laptop's hard drive, while still keeping them with me.

So drawn in, was I, when I felt a strange sensation. After the first home video had finished while the second one began, my T-shirt was soaked around the front of the neckline. I had been crying, not noticing, so enraptured was I. Tears were trickling down my cheeks. Watching myself interacting with my children, beginning when my first born was a tender 3 months of age.
My youngest daughter was still crawling, learning to walk upright.

She has learned to crawl, walk, even run since then. Such a smart Engineer. She figures out more than that, now.

My son was playing with legos as his sister was thwarting his efforts. They were only 18 months apart.

For all that my children have told me I did wrong by them, children of these innocent ages are without guile. They can't fake being happy, as happy as they were as we played, danced, made cookies, ate our Thanksgiving dinners. Their squeals of delight as they played, opened Christmas gifts, performed in a school play.

Crying the tears from that dull ache for my children.

Seeing myself as I laid on the sofa, watching them. Raising 4 children aged 1 yr - 9 yrs is tiring business.
Seeing myself  holding them on my lap, playing with them, tickling them, feeding them. We were using cookie cutters. Making heart shaped shortbread cookies for our tea & cookies which we often had after church on Sundays.
We would get home from church when it was too late for lunch, yet, too early for dinner.
Tea with mother & child made, shortbread cookies! YUM!

In some of them, I was walking around the grounds of Schloss Heidelberg, taking a break "me time", in Heidelberg, Germany.

My passion for needlework has been a constant in my life, so, often, I was sitting on a sofa sewing a fine seam. Also watching my 4 kiddos at play. They were charming, even mesmerizing!

I was the queen, in a benevolent way.

Those times feel like they were just yesterday.

As unhealthy as it is to muck about in past events, it's fine to indulge just a wee bit. Always in moderation.

Having a reasonably good life, now, I will tuck the essence of how I felt when I was a mother, close to my heart. An earlier time when I could talk to, play with, hug & kiss their sweet faces, whenever I wanted to. 

I still want to.

Flying Solo

The new Star Trek series, ST: Picard, yes, already at the end of season one. 10 episodes, I hope there will be more.

There has been a relatively new line of merch which includes action figures, yet, a most delightful item is the line of wines from Chateau Picard Vinyards. 
What's next?
Romulan Ale?
Klingon Blood Wine?

The wine is a high end purchase. I would love to whip to deliciousness, some Coq Au Vin with it! Or some Beef Bourguinon.

ST: Picard has its fandom, its FB pages, it's own discusssions where mostly the guys go gaga over the actresses as if they have never seen a woman before.

Another aspect is that there is such strong pity for Picard that he never married, never had children nor even a steady girlfriend. He did get around, like so many military males. Random sex with a few different girls from time to time.

Picard remaind unmarried with not even a shack up honey.

People in the group express such sadness that Captain Picard lived his private life mostly alone. Many seem to view it as tragic.

Tragic?

Hardly. 
In his life, he was correct in stating that he never had time for a wife & family. In truth, one must make the time for this. Picard also stated that the life of a Star Fleet Captain is typically solitary.

With these statements of a fictitious figure in a VERY beloved installation of this series plus many more plus movies...….

Well, daaaaaang.

In my most personal experience, I can verify Captain Picard's pov with a bit of variation. After so much BS in the dating world, it caused a realization that I was the one participating. By participating, I played my part by allowing the cruelty of the liars & cheaters which left me crying, heartbroken, losing faith in humanity.   

Whatever a person allows will continue.

The remedy?

Stop allowing it, choose to turn toward happiness, excitement, peace, adventure!

Knowing I am so much better off remaining single as well as celibate by choice. Living alone by choice. Life is more peaceful, happier, more BS free by remaining single & celibate by personal choice. Would I have liked to have found someone who was *SINGLE*, caring, fun, trustworthy, honest, intelligent, to share my time, talents, life, adventures etc with? Mutual chemistry?
Absoluteamently.
It didn't happen. In time I realized it was 95% frustration, 5% joy.
My tolerance for being treated badly is very low. It's a delight to treat those I care about, well. The same, in return is healthy.

Possibly, Captain Picard figured that out for himself early on.

I can live without someone telling me how to spend my money, my time, plus what to do with the hair on my head while he's expecting me to prep his meals & wash his socks & underwear. In truth, I would have wanted to share my life with a man. It didn't happen.

I love love love guys, wishing to do without one in my life is okay.

It doesn't make me a man hater, sad & to be pitied, a lesbian, overly lonely, having something missing in my life, etc., etc.,

It makes me happily single. As simple as that.

Secrets

Everyone has secrets.

Oh! Please realize that even you have secrets you will hold close to your heart like you would a losing hand of cards.

I have secrets. Secrets I have kept to myself. Secrets that might destroy other people. Secrets.
Yupp, ha ha.

Military secrets
Personal Secrets
Other peoples secrets

Oh, I have floated my hair over a lovers face in my dreams. Oh, I have had a strong person sobbing on my shoulder saying secrets. Have also listened intently, with fascination, as secrets were spilled at me, then worked afterward to forget.
A method I use is almost impossible to explain, that's for a different future blog entry. Peeps!!! it's a lotta detail.

In my serious human conscience, having been somewhat loose lipped, so long ago, the pain filled lessons, indeed, taught me.
SO MUCH.
It's been a very long time since learning that lesson.
The life lesson is remembered, the pain of the lesson has been lulled into a dull ache, still there, to remind me to be more tight lipped, to exercise more caution combined with human compassion, for as long as I live, plus, maybe beyond.


If you are reading this, if you are still under voting age, please, heed my advice, keep your secrets.
When a human being has more to be proud of as well as less to regret, life is easier, more peaceful, less wracked with regret.

Love, peace, happiness to you.

Much love.

Hunger For Your Touch

Never did I tell you that I love you near enough
As I sit here whilst reminiscing of times back then
So hard to believe what I did or didn't do for you
Hard to believe it all as well as how long it's been

Having known you as I have it gave me awakening
Meeting you at a time when I was at the end of my rope
You showed me how a dangerous man looks how he feels
You gave me the valuable gifts of true hope

Remembering oh remembering all that has transpired
You would want me to move on although I have tried
Through the cruelty of the males in the world out there
With all the anguished nights of the tears I've cried

Your I love you's with warm breath into my hair
Your gentle ways with your impatient sighs
You're a one in a million man of great worth
Only now I fear do I come to realize

A touch a kiss a glance across a dimly lit room
I would give all for any of it once again from you
So rare so precious so life altering to meet
A man among fakes who kept himself so true

The spot on my cheek that you loved to caress
The place in my mind is yours alone it's your part
The memories which you gave are mine alone
Locked tightly inside my forever changed heart

Are you judging, being judged?

This is how I feel

Often, people will believe that their judgment of me is the truth. It is their truth. It is their intrinsic belief of me. Of whom they believe me to be. In their mind, it is truth, it is absolute in every way.

Although I mostly love living in this small town, the cliquish, clannish nature of the social climate is a bit sad as well as a bit socially isolating. Many people believe the gossip they hear about me. They believe because it's their habit to believe.

They believe that I pursue younger males as young as 16. That's completely false. Believing that I am a predatory female somehow seems to comfort these persons. 
Deciding to remain celibate & single since 2012, that lifestyle would preclude that practice. Plus? Pedophilia is revolting.

With so much of the world operating with ageist attitudes, I'm somewhat of an anomaly. People who are my peers are mostly too busy to give me any of their time. Not all, however, most. They are kept busy as well as having their social needs met by their families. They have no use for me. It's their loss.

There has also been a rumor circulated that I'm a weed smoking lesbian. Also false. I don't smoke weed, I'm 100% straight.

The truth is....

The total anti-thesis of age-ism is something I deeply, very deeply believe in.

In truth?

I believe I can be friends with any person of any age. From age one as well as beyond.

There is NOTHING sexual involved.

Simply.

Being friends across a broad age range is something I enjoy.

I seek friendship. Only this. Perhaps, enjoying shared ideas.

Will you share your 2020 ideas with me??? 

Matthew 6, 14 -15

Most likely, you will see this happen, hear of it or even participate in it, yourself.
Holding a grudge.
Holding onto hurt feelings, holding back forgiveness.
Some one may have said something or done something you didn't like or it could be much worse.

What you do afterward can define your character.

This excludes the practice of ejecting someone from your life because the person is toxic to you, wants to be in your life while continuing to be verbally as well as physically abusive to you. The person could be sexually abusive toward you or you know of them being like this with other people, even little children.
That's so wrong, so unacceptable.

When they don't get caught or called out, they will continue.

The toxic or abusive person will sometimes just ignore you, give you the silent treatment for hours, days, weeks or even months. Then?
When it's convenient for them, they come back like they saw you just a minute ago. Expecting you to be happy to see them.

Whatever you allow will continue.

Only lay down when you enjoy being walked on, stomped on, then discarded when their silent treatment resumes.

Again, whatever you allow, will continue.


Many people will allow themselves to be offended, it is a choice, instead of sitting down, having a conversation they will see that person less or even disappear all together. Sadly, this practice is so common, there is even a term for it.
Ghosting.
Also, semi-ghosting.

Often, I will hear the pain in someone's voice in the aftermath of the confusion as to what they did or might have done or what the other person perceived they did. Not knowing is the worst.

Something odd. People who voice this pain to me, turn around, then, do the same thing to someone else. Causing the same pain.

What?

Yupp, ha ha, they do. 

Somehow, I have always known this (see meme above) so that I will try my hardest to sit down & have a conversation with someone when it's possible. More often, the other person cares more about their pride, avoids confrontation at any cost. The cost? 

Human pain, human suffering. A very high cost. 

They will ghost or semi ghost the other person, in the place of sitting down for a conversation.

Just like the beat goes on, the pain goes on. 

On and on, on and on, on and on!

These 2 "Parties" could be casual friends, close friends, spouses, lovers, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, fellow church members.

They could be any combo, really.

The one aspect in common is being prideful, leaving the other person with no closure, lots of questions, a dull ache in their heart.

For all of that which I just wrote, whether it's right or wrong. If someone who has hurt me wants that truth filled conversation of knowing they hurt me, then feeling penitent. Also, if I hurt them, leaving them with the ache caused by holding a grudge, I will hear them out. I will sit down to have a truthful conversation like all Christians should, yet, rarely do. 

I will put my big girl knickers on, then sit down to be an adult, to have that conversation.

It takes so little, maybe lasts a few minutes, while the effects last a lifetime. I don't know who needed to read this, today.....

Will we do this

Will you let me hear your voice
Will you let me see your face
Will we still connect
As when our first meet took place

Will you put your phone down
Will you look at me not your device
Having a tech free dinner or lunch
Would be oh so nice

Will you let down your careful guard
Will you let your heart go tender
Will you let yourself feel loved
By the vulnerable message sender

Will you allow the memories you have
Contained in pieces like confetti
Your gender might determine this
Men are like waffles women are like spaghetti

Will you take this simple risk my friend
When there is so much for you to gain
Let someone impart to you from their heart
Dear one it's safe to come in from the rain

Temptation?

Having been one to write since I was a cookie cruncher in single digits of age, it's more than just an income source for me.

Miraculously, the notebooks of creative writing as well as original poetry that I wrote, starting at age six, are still with me.
You know?
Pencil or pen and paper?
Having my penmanship or handwriting or wordworking described as floral. Distinctly feminine. Very artful.

Hmm.

Peeps!

I just write, it happens automatically. The focus is more on the ideas & the word choice than forming the letters.

With allllllllllll of that said, it's important for me, personally, to be mindful of the subject chosen to write about.
Too personal?
Could damage my privacy or that of someone else.
Too racy, suggestive or sexual?
That's just rude & in very poor taste.
Too negative?
Sounding like a crybaby is very unattractive.

On that last note, something that I noticed from journals that I wrote in, in my teens & early 20s is that I used to turn to my journals, mainly when I was very sad. Also, when I was extremely angry.
Whoops!

On the same subject, it's necessary to guard myself from being negative, from whining about a vexation, whilst blogging.
There's the temptation.

It's better to be upbeat, more positive, more creative. Better, still, to explore ideas, possibilities, creative pursuits. There's enough misery in the world.
It's better to use my blog as a creative tool to be humorous, positive, uplifting!
A regular Little Mary Sunshine!

There is temptation, though.

When I have written about painful subjects, I did so with great care while still staying true to the idea of, well, being truthful.
It's a fine line to walk, also to write about. 

A woman who I knew & admired said something to me, in a personal letter,  that made an impression on me. She was and is a very kind person, also very experienced in life. She's also a very talented artist & musician.

She wrote: 
"In your journey through the world and life be careful. Full of care in all that you do. A wise woman once said this to me, it sure has come in handy."

Indeed.