What do you think? What do you say?

What do you think in the privacy of your mind
When you introspect privately what do you find

What do you feel in your soul in your spirit
When you listen for your song you will hear it

When your mind will wander as minds often do
The thoughts of yours the essence of pure you

Who are you or do you you truly know
It's directing your life as to where it will go

Ask yourself questions then listen with intent
As to what is in your own being so heaven sent

You are a precious person just fine as you are
Needing no approval with no quality of bar

Let your self love be you meter of sole approval
Those who hurt those who hate facing removal

Your thoughts in your mind your words to you
Are what gives you greatness in what you do

Love yourself with kind words to your own mind
Be amazed at the sweet differences you will find
***************************************

Alternate last line:

What do you think in the privacy of your mind
Replace fear with self love to see what you find

***************************************

Yes, I wrote this.
Brenda M Garten Bautista

Thus Far

In this experience called life, so far, I hope that I have learned from the painful lessons, gloried in the joyful experiences, savored the opportunities to learn, to grow.

Off the wall, here ~ Do you believe in Astrology? The Zodiac?

It's been around for longer than many studied sciences or arts. It's been around since man could articulate that the beautiful glowing orbs in the heavens were stars.

Now, peeps, dear peeps, I am not saying that I put much faith in Astrology, yet, not exactly saying that I don't. Through personal experience I have learned that there are elements of truth in everything.
SpecOps and cops are taught to lie by throwing a kernel of truth into a big lie to extract information. It works.
Don't ask me how I know this, I might have to kill you if I......
you know. *smile*

So, Zodiac.
My birth date is Bastille Day, essentially the French version of the USA's July 4th. Except, in France, it's July 14th. 
I'm a Bastille Day baby. This means that mommy and daddy had a very happy Thanksgiving the year before I was born. It escaped me for many years when my parents would remark at how happy the Thanksgiving holiday was previous to my birth. *smile*

Being born on July 14, that makes my zodiac sign Cancer the crab. Ahh yes, crabby ol' Cancerian! Appearing tough as well as impenetrable on the outside? Oh, really?

Soft, sweet, vulnerable at heart.

Don't piss a Cancer off or you will get the pinch. 

It's like a reflex with Cancers, we wish to love then be loved in return. We love deeply, our loyalty toward friends & family is fierce. If you intentionally or if they perceive that you intentionally hurt a Cancer, buddy, you're screwed.

With most Cancers, they are dreamy, idealistic, hopelessly romantic, nurturing, caring, kindhearted & generous. 
Day dreamers! 
Cancers are also very playful, fun loving dreamers. Artistic, creative, the most passionate lover of all of the Zodiac signs when with someone they truly care about. It can be a flaw, sometimes. Being the most sensitive of all the Zodiac signs as well as a bit moody at times. Cancers love their sweets as much as they love water in any form.

This pretty much sums up my personality. If you look up Cancer Zodiac in the dictionary, my face should be next to it!

With this said, some of the life lessons I have learned have been deeply painful ones. Less of a shock there!

So far I have learned ~

The very best food is that which you make at home
When given the choice, be kind
Trust yet verify
Sex outside of marriage , never, the horrible pain is not worth it
Watch anyone for 90 days before deciding to let them in, or not
Family can be by heart or by blood
Believe actions more than words, yet actions can also be suspect
Enjoy each happy moment to the fullest
Moving through time is inevitable
Growing older is optional
Organized religion is a big lie
Don't date cops, ever, it has turned out badly for me every time
Love yourself first
Buy the best quality you can afford
Second chances may be a good idea, third are a bit too risky
Stereo typing is self limiting
People should only be placed in a box when dead, don't kill them
If you won't help another person, at least, don't hurt them
Children are great detectives, they can see the tracks their parents thought they had covered 
Eat real food, pass up processed junk!
Learning to speak other languages opens doors
Even someone who is blood family, will betray you
Thinking positive can change your life
Speak the truth, speak it kindly
Get 1 hour of heart pounding exercise every day
******************************************

These are just the things I have learned so far. These are just what momentarily leaps out at me. 
I'm just a simple, happy girl, making her way through life, doing my best to be a good person. To learn, to constantly grow and change.
Striving to improve my mind, my body (as in becoming more lean, stronger, more toned).
Striving to make the most of the time I have in life to do some good in the world. Possibly, I can make small differences that have a positive ripple effect in the lives of others.

My tastes are simple. Love others, be loved in return. Happy times with friends & family.
Meaningful conversations.
Eventually a 3 BR 2 BA cottage close enough to the ocean that I could be at a warm sandy beach within minutes. A dog, a horse.
Pure bliss!
Anything else would just be cream.

Solid nightly rest

Good wine

Good food

Good night, my love.

Grey! Spoiler Alert

I will confess right here, right now. I love the way guys think. Fascinating, to me. Yeah, it may very well be a bit rough to my feminine mind, at times, yet, I love it!

Guys think about sex, a lot! So effing what?

It's neither bad, nor good. It's part of what makes them male & I love it .....I love it a lot!

On an analytical plain, it might be because I have high testosterone & so, I understand them better than most girls. Better than the guys out there think that I understand them.

Oh, it's not like I'm thinking of humping everything humpable. LOL!

I know that wasn't a real word, yet, I color outside the lines a lot!

Surprise!!!!!

When having a conversation with the previously mentioned former PJ, he exclaimed to me, "Yeah, but, you don't have testosterone!"

HAH!

If he only had known!

I held back, lest I give the wrong conveyance of meaning to him.

In 2008, there were some college students doing a project. They were doing a study on testosterone in the female population. As I answered their ad with trepidation, it seemed so fascinating. Being on a relatively renewed journey of self discovery after losing my identity in an abusive marriage then working to re-discover who I am and making a bit of $$$ at the same time. Seemed like a good idea. Actually, it was a good idea!

A bit of info about moi? I hate having needles stuck in me. I have been known to pass out when having blood drawn or other forms of being stuck with a hypo! No tatts on my body. Most likely, never will.

Even pierced my own ears when I was 12 years of age. The thought of someone else coming at me with a needle was no bueno.

During the study I participated in, it required blood draws.

UGH!!!!! OUCH!!!!! PANIC!!!!! PAIN!!!!!!

So, the mofos had to pay me well for me to participate.

The outcome?

I do, indeed, have very high testosterone. I was in the top 98 percentile. It simply proved what I already was aware of.

Purty cool, hmm?

Soooooo, it's probably a facet of why I'm digging the 

"50 Shades of Grey" series.

Most recently, as well as my very favorite?

"Grey"

The "50 Shades of Grey" saga, as told from Christian Grey's perspective.

Yumm!

The raw thoughts, unspoken opinions, viewpoint of the male mind.

It took a bit of getting used to, have to admit. It's raw, alright!

Yet, so very honest.

I could do without the "cock twitch" mentions which number in the high hundreds throughout the book. I thought, 

"Geez! Can't you be more diverse in your descriptive writing?"

Going on a limb, here.

Putter flutter

Trout out

Rockout with my cockout

Trousal arousal

Dick flick

Hard guard

Anyway, I didn't write the book, yet, I am reading it and enjoying it, too!

The Christian Grey character is a tormented soul. Trying so very hard to overcome his rough start in life. Born to a crack whore, was found cuddled up to his mothers corpse, by the police, at the age of 4. The scars on his back, were from when his mothers pimp would grind cigarette butts out on him starting when he was just a few months of age.

At 15, his mothers "friends" indoc into the BDSM life added to his torturous self  consternation.

Yeah, it's enough to mess a guy up!!

Enter, Anastasia Steele. A smart, sweet, college girl & virgin.

Christian has all the money, power, fame, charisma, prestige, adoptive family background.....is totally messed up about women!

This unlikely pair each has what the other needs without knowing it. Anastasia is wanting that right guys love, Christian is confused about what he does want, not realizing what he will want, soon.

FUNNY!

It's a love story, with a twist.

When all the hate mongering religious groups were yapping about the series, it caught my interest. Thank you so much!!! *smile*

When I began reading, I began to identify with Anastasia as well as with Christian, 50/50 with both.

The crux is this. I loved all three 50 Shades books.

I TRIPLE LOVE the "Grey" book as told from a male POV!!!!

The BDSM lifestyle? I will pass.

The books? Yes, please. I hope there will be more!

The books may not be every body's crack

There is crack on the pages, I need my fix!

Laters, baby!

*smile*

Input!

I'll let you guess what type of input.

Don't go dirty on me!

Always curious about everything, always on the lookout for new. New anything! 

Is that a correct phrase? Maybe a dangling participle? Yup. Hah!

The world is in a state of flux. Constantly changing. New ideas are coming forth, new ways of doing things. New tech. Even new variations of species are developing, even within  the human race.

Those who fear change, those who refrain from embracing change are, sadly, left out of the loop. The loop of the exciting evolution of constant change in the world!

Embrace change, peeps, watch it enrich your life.

People have thought, in past times that the opposite of love is hate. Maybe.

Maybe not. Hmmm.

The opposite of love can also be fear. Think about it. What does fear, do?

Fear can paralyze us, fear can drive people from their loved ones, their goals.

Marketing ploys play off of fear. Listen to the ads for IRS attorneys, ads for insurance attorneys, ads to tell peeps they have to get _____________ because, oh, no! It'll be gone if you move too slow!

I digress.

Input!

Awhile back a hot, former PJ,  I briefly spoke with for a time, told me that he still runs 3 miles every day. So, I thought, hmm, 3 miles is do-able, as is he. *smile*. I made it my daily target. 3 miles, sometimes I go 6, yet a daily minimum of 3 miles. On tread or elliptical machine or 80 floors on the stair master. Seems like a fair equivalent. Hurts like Hades.

HLH ~ ror!

My second PT ~ Randy Chamberlain. GREAT PT! He inspired me more than he ever knew. That was during my 5 months in Orlando, FLA, taking time out, hoping ex huzz would come to realize that he should stop verbally/emotionally abusing his wife. 

(he didn't catch on!)

Randy told me 3 things that were priceless!

1. Stop drinking soda

2. Load up on Vit C rich, low sugar foods

3. Have a cheat meal NOT a cheat day

More recently, the female PT at ATF told me:

You have great goals, you need more variety. O YEAH! Dead on correct. I love variety. Love changing it up, always!

Simple piece of advice, great big impact!!!

Awesomeness often makes it's way to me in 3's, also, 4's.

Love my healthy, fit, lifestyle, working on goals, making dreams into reality.

Good note to say adieu!

Adieu!

The Most Beautiful Thing

Is now

Now is what we have in our present day

It's everything we do it's everything we say

It's how we speak our words when we say

I love you I like you hope you have a nice day

It's the feeling you get from being so kind

That the serotonin spins inside your mind

It's making love with the one in your heart

Counting the hours til together when apart

It's the sweetness of babies being as they are

Created from stardust on that wishing star

It's finding the joy in an overplayed song

Easing time in traffic when it's been too long

It's a sweaty workout at the favorite gym

With my hot sweaty thoughts of him only him

It's beautiful to live in this rhyme as I say

I like you I love you have a nice day!!!

**************************************************

Yes, I wrote this.

Brenda M Garten - Bautista

What are you looking for?

The most cliche' phrase in the single world..........and also some of the married world of cheaters.

Also, my least favorite query.

It says, "What are you looking for?"

What it means of the asker, 

"I'm looking for NSA sex, are you?"

Yupp. Ha ha. Pretty much.

Pretty disgusting, to me. I learned the deeply painful lesson that sex outside of marriage will darken my soul. Won't do it again.

The way many people answer it is as varied as there are people. The way I would LIKE to answer it is over-kill, I know this.

The way I would like to answer it is, are ya ready?

Here goes:

What am I looking for? 

I'm not looking. 

I'm living life, taking peace & happiness wherever it finds me. If I WERE looking for anything it would be a decent guy who was truly single, truly available. 

He could be from 19 to whatever. Most older guys can't handle me. (Some, can, most can't.)

A guy who is emotionally available, truly emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychologically mature. Enough to treat me as a human being and be self confident enough to handle me as a self confident, loving, kind, caring, high energy person.

If I were looking, that is. 
It would take someone who had so much to offer, so much connection, chemistry, mutual respect & resources that I would feel like I was not settling. I settled when I married, I learned to only accept that which was good enough, healthy enough for both myself and the others involved.

Having learned to simply BE, it's a happy, peaceful existence. A life of arriving then leaving whenever it pleases me. A life filled with FITNESS PRACTISES!

Love my long sweaty workouts.

Love living in Texas.

Love blogging!

Hope you enjoy reading.

Peace out!

Skills!

Got 'em?

Good!

No?

Go get some!

Everyone is capable of gaining phenomenal skills. Abilities that will help them in everyday life, sometimes even give some pocket change!

When I was relatively new in my fitness journey, I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do. Living in Colorado Springs when I began my fitness journey, I was about to find out!

The Peterson AFB Fitness Center in Colorado Springs, CO had a husband & wife team of Yoga & Pilates teachers. They made it look like so much fun! I needed to change it up, so, I gathered information on times & days when the classes were offered. I was about to discover YOGA!

Free Yoga classes, yet another military benefit!

I went to these classes, free of charge, every day that it was offered. If there had been a fee, I would have gone broke! First, I tried Power Yoga. It was a bit much for a beginner, plus, the class started at 0530 hrs. Plus, I didn't "click" with the teacher.

Yeah. 

5:30 aka o'dark thirty!

I know I was hooked when Yoga hooked me! 

The married couple who led the Yoga & Pilates class were so much more instructive. It was a more relaxed pace, it was also that the classes started at usually 1100 hrs to 1300 hrs. 

Yeah, baby! 

It almost felt like family. Yep, it was that good!

I felt myself changing. Changing my mindset, changing my sleeping patterns. Becoming more peaceful inside. I admit, I had a somewhat vengeful nature, before this.

Only when someone hurt me so badly, though, that it would devastate me to my core. Emotional pain is the worst, for me. It disturbs my sleep, interferes with my family relationships. Gives stomach aches, headaches, nausea, loss of appetite.

Turns me upside down!

Yupp. That's what it took for me to want vengeance.

Legal vengeance. 

Even that need for vengeance disappeared. As my body became more lean, I practiced more Yoga. As I did more Yoga, my body became more lean.

A beautiful, ongoing circle.

In present day, I don't know who that vengeful girl was, yet, I'm so glad that I'm no longer her.

Yoga skills have helped me in other ways, too.

On Monday, I went to a GFs home. She wanted to show me her new sewing machine that was way under a coffee table against the wall.

I got down on hands & knees on the floor, slid my left shoulder under my chest, flattened my body out on the floor, grabbed the machine & pulled it out!

She sat up from where she was on the sofa and asked me,
"Good god, girl! How did you just do that? That would put me in pain for a month!"

Not realizing that I just did what feels totally natural to me, I looked at her and replied:

"Oh, it's only because of doing Yoga."

GF is beautiful. Beautiful in face, body, mind, spirit. She's good people. She's also 10 yrs younger than me. :)

Yoga skills benefit me constantly. I'm only 5'3", yet, I can reach my hand quite high & far when needed. I can also balance on 1 foot, right or left for as long as I wish. It's all part of the benefit training muscles & stretching & extending them regularly for flexibility. Another benefit of Yoga is the peacefulness that a person can reach for in times of stress and/or duress.

Enough Yoga preach! Ha ha!

Many people have hidden skills. Abilities that people purposely hide, which are private.

Skills within you that are just waiting to be unlocked! 

Being humble is best.

I have a multitude of very useful skills. Many are very private. Many are those which I only bring out once in awhile, when needed.

When people live up to their full potential, discovering things about themselves, it makes for a much happier life.

Your own personal skills are waiting for you to discover. Whatever your age is, whatever factors are present in your life, they are waiting for you.

The greatness of you is an embryo inside, it wants to be born! Give it life!

Peace out!

Do I Reach You?

Doi-je vous attiens?

Ich griefen sie?

Co'mo llego a usted?

Posso raggiungere voi?

Ha ha! Language skills DO benefit me more than just a profession .

or

Listening when others are talking about me in a language other than English, protesting that they are not.

Careful, peeps.

Some USA citizens, such as myself, do understand every word you say even when you're speaking a language other than English or Amerikanische. HAH!

On occasion, when I'm feeling particularly puckish, I will even respond. It's to the embarrassment of the person who thinks no one can understand what they are saying. All in good humor, though.

The surprised look on the offenders face is enough fun, for me. 

Yeahhhhhhh, it's how I sometimes get my kicks!

There's a statistics feature on my blog, telling me where my viewers are approximately originating from.

So far, my viewers are originating from:

USA (of course)

Germany

Canada

Ireland

Scotland

England

China

Mexico

Japan

Ukraine

Russia
Australia
France
South Africa
Romania

Italy

Spain

Czech Republic

US Virgin Islands

Costa Rica

Venezuela

Pakistan

Thailand

Viet Nam

Poland

Saudi Arabia

Afghanistan

Israel

Samoa

Fiji

Greece

New Zealand

Iceland

Greenland

Phillipine Islands

Tonga

Sweden

Finland

Austria

Belgium

So, peeps, feel free to comment in any language. You are welcome as long as you keep it respectful.

It surprised me the first time I saw what a wide viewing audience I have.

So, no shock that I'm closing on 5,000 views on my blog.

Having lived in or visited several of those countries, it makes me happy to have people from there reading what is written here by "moi".

Reaching a wide audience makes the world feel a bit more connected. Isn't that what the internet is supposed to do?

A resource can only fulfill it's positive purpose when used positively. That's my very common view. Positivism, that's what it bee about!

So, if I reach you, I want to say, I wish you, wherever you are:

Love in your life. Love is the strongest force there is. 

Love yourself. 

Love others, love your family. 

Reach out and show love to your pets.

Love is the strongest influence you can have on yourself and on the world.

Love 

Peace

and Crabs (It's a USA joke!)

L8ers!

Going, Going, Gone & Gone

A continued theme, packing, sorting trashing.

Packing, sorting, trashing, donating

Sorting, packing, trashing, donating

Sorting, trashing, filing, donating

Sorting, filing

Organizing

Organizing

Organizing

Clearing

Organizing

Clearing, donating

This has been my life for the past couple weeks. Also have to fit in some document translation, blogging, a bit of socializing. Just to keep some sanity, some motivation to keep going.

After my marriage ended, I dated ......A LOT! I felt so sure that there was someone out there, looking for someone like me.

They were, alright, yet, most had less than honorable intent.

I rolled with it.

The guys could want what they want, yet, we didn't want the same things. They could want, I could want, it didn't necessarily mean they or I would get what either of us wanted.

Personally, I didn't get what I was seeking, I didn't give them theirs, either.

There were expensive gifts, lunches & dinners in pricey eateries. I can feed myself. It was nice to be treated and sometimes, I treated.

Lots of good conversation, sometimes deep, sometimes just small talk. On phone or in person. Each of these were fun times.

Needless to say, I didn't get what I truly wanted, the guys didn't get what they truly wanted, either. All is fair, ah s'pose.

When sorting through so much "stuff" I had to donate so much!! A lot of it was gifts from that time in my life, after divorce, when I re-entered the dating world. 
Thoughtful gifts of a personal nature.

Several pieces of jewelry, I genuinely love. Although, from certain guys, the feeling for it was a love for the beauty of the jewelry, itself, nothing to do with the one who gave it to me.

Some of it DOES have a connection to the giver.

Am simply not a materialistic person.

At least, not AS materialistic as the average person in the USA. Every time I move from one place to another, I rid myself of "stuff", yet, still end up feeling as if I have too much!

I find myself keeping all of the smaller items, yet, the larger items get donated. The items, themselves, are beautiful. I took good care of them, so, they are in "like new" condition. The person who finds these treasures, will probably wonder.

"How can someone part with something so new, so beautiful!"

My answer is, I loved the person, I kept the memory. The memory is the most beautiful gift of all.

The time spent with each person changed me, what a gift! Having learned to use things & love people is a gift in itself.

The opposite is too often true in todays world.

Not this chik. *smile* 

I will love people with my whole heart always.

Things?

They matter less & less with time.

People are precious.

Peace out.

HE

He started out so different from who he is today

When the changes happened he really couldn't say

The sparkling eyes and his sweet boyish grin

A strong masculine jaw with his clefted chin

His heart of gold with his ever creative mind

Treasures untold for any woman to find

In time it became clear to the loves of his life

His darkening soul that betrayed his lovely wife

Betrayed his children let his whole family down

This small town boy from his beloved small town

He seemed to think his dishonor was hidden well

His pain his deceitfulness his own private hell

One woman was not enough to fill his deep need

He became just a vessel to go out to spread seed

As sure as the sun always sets in the west

He knew that he was no longer living his best

His sleep was disturbed his confidence had failed

His whole existence was becoming so derailed

The love of his wife had turned to cold stone

He knew he should never have left her alone

Those girls who he gave too much of his time

Spread so thin he gave while still in his prime

Now he is alone even with a fun crowd

The silence in his ears is deafening loud

At night he copes as best he can

The legacy of an unfaithful man

*************************************

Yes, I wrote this. If you think it's about you, then it is. If you think it isn't about you, then it isn't. Either way, you're right.
A mystery is a pleasure for the mind. :)

It's a PJ Thing

In the past 10 days, I have been packing, transporting in preparation to move from one house to another. It's grueling, tiring, painful, time consuming, etc etc! Now that everything is in the new place, where do I begin?

I could not have done it without:

Sid

Steven

Derrick

Brantley

Then, on another day

ANNNNIIIIIITTTTTTAAAAA!!!!!!!

Thank you so much, y'all are awesome sauce!!

Also, finding & re-reading quotes I have written down on bits of paper. As a bit of a "quotesmith" vs a "wordsmith", I write quotes down. Quotes that make me laugh, smile, pull out of my head at times when it's needed.

Being part of the military & military association is an integral part of who I am.

HEY!

It did good things for me.

After the commencement speech in 2014 at University of Texas at Austin, I began watching similar videos of Admiral McRaven.  This led to watching combat footage from many Soldiers, Airmen, Marines & Seamen. This led to watching, on You Tube, the whole series of a group of  Pararescue guys as they go through the grueling torture that is the Pararescue Pipeline!

Hello!
My name is Brenda and I'm a You Tube Junkie.

The school is also called "Superman School" and yes, for good reasons!

It's only men of steel who apply, the school turns them very nearly into Superman!

Of course, when I was assigned to Hickam AFB, Hawai'i, I knew nothing of this. Knew nothing of what it takes to even be accepted into the PJ training courses. At 19? I knew nothing at all! I did, however, FEEL the raw male charisma, the deep & strong integrity rolling off of these guys.

I felt it, though, I wasn't sure what it was I felt.

The quote really stirred me. I may or may not get this quote right, yet, here goes.

"The burden of personal responsibility. The burden of personal accountability is every PJs creed of life, for life. Those who shirk this responsibility begin to fail in the worst possible way. They fail themselves as their knowledge surfaces in guilt, insecurity, lowered self confidence. They know who they are, they know what they should be, failing themselves is the most damning shortfall a man can experience."

Okay, take a breath.
Just breathe.

As a girl I wouldn't have qualified for the schooling these guys qualified for. Nor, would I want to. I'm far from a feminazi. Let the guys do a guys job, I will simply sit back & watch in awe of them.
Although, it would have been an honor to try, Norma said it best.

"I don't mind living in a mans' world as long as I can still be a woman in it."

I love being all girl. Watching the PJ school vids didn't tell the whole story, yet, having known of these guys was a breath taking experience for me!

Just to be clear, I never knew them as well as I would have liked. I'm sure they barely thought of me at all.
If any of them did, they probably thought I was just another stupid, drooling idiot. Just another one who admired them, yet, not quite worthy.
That's okay.
What I was?
A somewhat shy girl from a small town, new to the USAF, still trying to figure life out.

But the PJs, they seemed to have it all. Everything I wanted to be. Wanted to be so sure of myself, so sure of my abilities, part of something so much more magnificent than I was at the time.

So close to Superman, yet, so far. 

Until next time, hold a good thought for me.

L8ers.