Anatomy of a Loner

What is it that makes a person a loner? 

Are they made into a loner by events in life?

Are they born as loners?

Maybe born with the tendency, circumstances cause it to develop?

What of those who are born with the trait yet remain non loners?

Curious events, George! :)

I believe I am of the 4th variation on this list. Born as an unwanted pregnancy to a woman who was a heavy smoker with many emotional & psychological problems. It was a turbulent time in her life. She had married a man who did not want to marry her, waited until she was 7 months pregnant with my older brother to marry. He was in a low paying labor intense job. Shortly after my birth he was in a horrible accident which nearly crippled him.

It didn't cripple his sex drive or lower his sperm count. LOL! My mother had 3 more children after me until, finally against my fathers protest, she surgically prevented any more children. He was quite angry that she did this. He seemed to think that she was supposed to magically conjure up birth control with the use of her will. After all, she got herself pregnant 6 times, she must be able to prevent it at will as easily as she, herself had caused it to happen.

Archaic thinking from a male with a 3rd grade education. Sad.

Needless to say, as each new baby was brought home, I became a "big sister" quickly, had to do quite a lot for myself at a very early age. It doesn't sound like much, however, being responsible to watch an infant, to make sure they don't roll off of a bed onto the hard wood floor. When you, yourself, are only 4 years old, it was scary. On the few occasions when I became distracted, my mother would berate me, telling me how bad I was as well as other intimidating insults. As my mother would calm the screaming baby, I would retreat to my bed to cry over what a bad girl I was.

For whatever genetics I carried, I was a sensitive, timid child from day one. It seems that the actions of both parents only magnified this in me. I had learned to comfort myself with a myriad of different means. Use your imagination! Ha ha!

The insults flew at me from many sources during that time. From parents, siblings, extended family, other students at school, even the teachers. Sometimes at church, too. I was so sensitive to the smallest slight.

Through it all, I was quiet. Oh, I'm sure it showed on my face. It usually does, with me. Unfortunately, I'm honest to a fault. Being what is known as, "An opened book". With a tender heart, no less.

My maternal grandfather was a respite from all this. He was very kind, tender hearted. He cried or at least teared up easily, laughed just as much. He could be somewhat stern, if he was stern, he was stern in a gentle, very loving way. Careful. Always full of caring.

One thing I am certain of ~

He adored me.

One of only 2 males in my life who treated me well.

Grandfather taught me from a very young age to be honest. Mostly, I was. For a brief period I strayed from that mode of operandi. I returned to it, now, it's sticking. A much better way to live, for me.

When my beloved Grandfather passed on, I saw no reason to stay in Michigan. I started looking for a way out. That's when I enlisted in the United States Air Force.

Before the military, self isolation through shyness made me a loner.

When going through military training, there is no place for a shy person. I had to adjust. I came out of my shell, kicking and yelling!

The new found confidence, assertiveness was not nearly at the level of the other trainees, yet, it was my level. Like a tiger cub starts with a cute meow. I was learning, practicing until I could roar!

Once I was through with the first phase of military training, I could feel the difference. Before the military, I was a timid little mouse. After phase 1 training, I was moving toward the polar opposite!

Laying in bed, in my dorm room at my first duty station, the shift was almost palpable. The sexual harrassment from the males I worked closely with, gave me nightmares & still does. Their cruely caused me to build a shell around myself for protection. That feeling came back to me right after leaving the abusive ex huzz. Equal parts of fear, joy, amazement, confidence. I knew I had done this once, had escaped from an unhappy life which held me back from personal progression, I could do it again!

It was a simple feat of clarifying the task at hand, then, tackling it! I was growing forward, picking up speed as I progressed. Just as I had gone through the process of breaking out of a shell of shyness.

Now, as a butterfly, emerging from a cocoon. Shedding the weight I had piled on in the misery of an abusive marriage, turning back into who I really am. Once again, the confidence returned.

Many of the trials encountered would have crushed some women. They may have turned to alcohol, drugs, unsafe sex with multiple partners, even suicide. I admit, those options did cross my mind.

Nope - nope.

Escaping misery, I was determined to break free into happiness. Many girls leave an abuser only to either go on to other abusers or to turn into something so unattractive ~ a man hater.

Nope - nope

Gender hate makes very little sense to me. I love men. 

Yup - yup!   (smile)

As much as I love guys, I do recognise that the predator part of a guys personality can be more dominant when a girl is easy prey.

I decided, I would not be easy prey.

Like the screaming wounded bunny, wolves have natural instinct to be able to recognise by sight, by smell, by testing boundaries, the easy prey. Guys have this same instinct. It's part of what it is to be a guy. Some guys learn to curb this primal urge. In my life experience, most guys can keep it at bay, yet never fully lose it. It's a tough, difficult balance. Maybe I just defined how it feels to be a guy who has to deal with having testosterone. If that's the case ~

STAY WILD! Ha ha!

Just realize that some girls have learned to steer clear of that.

That scenario is part of what makes me a loner. I have learned, fully, how to steer clear of predatory males.

I have learned how to conquer the "urge to merge". Very few girls have learned how to identify, then steer away from predatory guys or guys who have shifted into predatory mode. Even fewer have learned how to be single while finding their happiness in other things, focusing elsewhere. There are so many other rewarding pursuits in life. When other girls have asked me how I can be so happy, being single, I try to explain it to them.

It doesn't make sense to them.  That's okay. It makes sense to me.

Many guys have even tried to wrap their heads around how it could be possible that I am, truly, 100% single. That I have been single for 10 years. That I choose to be single. They don't understand.

These differing mindsets that I have are very foreign to girls as well as to guys. The lack of understanding isolates me from others.

I'm fine with that, too.

Another isolating factor. O, darn. :)

Immediately after the divorce, I did not have this mindset. Yet, still, because I had the strength & courage to walk away from a bad life, it was a bit intimidating to many people. 

Many women (guys, too) will stay in an abusive or hopelessly unhealthy marriage out of fear of the unknown or a fear of the loss of a relationship or a loss of financial security.

At first I did have hope of coupling up, again. Every time I arrived at a secure mindset, I would meet a guy, thinking he might actually be a decent human who would treat me well. Time would reveal who and what he truly was.

Nope.

Wasn't going to go from one abuser to another abuser.

Not this chick!

My emotions got scrambled, poisoned, knocked off kilter many times, until, I finally arrived at this point of having singular desires in a happy life. 

This seems to be a curiosity to many people.

The truth is, making a conscious decision to stay single while I still believe there are good, decent males in the world, is better. Better than turning into a feminazi man- hater.UGH!!! Double UGH!!!!!!

This stance is a mysterious wonder to other people who live their lives very differently than I live mine.

The life of a loner.

The anatomy of a female loner.

BOOM!