It's a boy!

At the risk of sounding cliché, there are so many different aspects in a mother to son relationship. 

From my own experience, nearly everything was different from my other 3 "with child" times with my daughters. My hormone levels were very different, he was not my largest baby, yet, he was definitely the most active. I felt his tiny body moving beginning with 4 months gestation. It felt like a soccer game with just one player.

It was a happy time, an easier time. When I received a positive pregnancy test, it was merely a formality to receive insurance coverage for pre-natal care, delivery plus post natal care. It was such an easy time, at 7.5 months, that, on a family road trip, driving from Omaha, Nebraska to Claremont, California? 

I drove all the way from Omaha, Nebraska to St. George, Utah, while the rest of the family slept.

When I was asked if I was going to have a baby, at 6 months, during that time when I just looked like I had been hitting the ice cream too hard? My reply, as I knew who this little person was going to be. "Nope, this is my Nolan."

Please excuse me for refraining from a litany of aerie faerie talk in regards to how I knew. I knew with complete certainty that this was not just any boy baby. This was my son who visited me in spirit form years before his entrance into the world, in the flesh.

A wee bit of aerie faerie, there.

When my son was born, I was officially off the hook.

Mm Hm, many women might identify with this. Most men want a son so much. When a blessed union produces all daughters, of course the father loves as well as cherishes his daughters. Openly or sometimes secretly, most men want a son. 

This puts a lot of pressure on a woman to give the love of their lives, the desired baby boy. There seems to be such a feeling of relief in the mother, accompanied by the complete joy of the father, when a healthy baby boy is born.

Many people may speculate that the desire for a son is to fulfill the need to continue the family line, the family name. It seems there is much more to this innate desire than simply carrying the family line forward.

Even the royal family of the UK used to have a strong rule that a son, as well as ONLY a son, for the most part, could ascend the throne as a ruling monarch.

That rule has changed from only males to being next in line by birth order.

Queen Mary, Queen Elizabeth I as well as Queen Victoria faced some difficult hurdles to rule as Queen of the UK.

As it stands in 2021, there is less of a need to produce a male heir, yet, the pressure is mostly on, to give a man the son he desires. It puts a lot of pressure on the mother with circumstances she has very scant control over.

Sincerely, I hope, that if a man is reading this, he will have his heart touched. That he will refrain from putting that pressure on his wife.

Having felt the pressure, I can say that it's very uncomfortable.

My son was different, very distinctly male immediately following his birth. He was a breast fed baby, so were his sisters, yet, even as an infant, he was thrilled at the sight of cleavage. He was a nursing mothers dream! He was the only one who knew right where his next meal was, how to get it, taking only as much as he needed. He would fall directly into a milk coma after burping himself. This is a redundant statement, it was a nursing mothers delight.

Whereas his sisters, when given a small toy that made noise, would shake it, delight in the rattling noise, shake it a few more times, cooing followed by sweet baby laughter.

My son?

He would shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture, give a slightly throaty laugh, throw it against the wall, then fuss until I retrieved it for him. He was more active, foregoing naps at around 8 months of age. That was so much fun! 

My son was a very easy, very happy baby. This was a fortuitous circumstance as he & his younger sister were very close in age. There is a lack of preference within me as to whether baby boys are easier or baby girls.

The love in my heart for my daughters & son is equal.

Casual Sex

The phrase, alone, seems titillating with visions of dance clubs filled with a hundred or more beautiful people. The app, Tinder, in the UK, Dates 25. Various illicit web sites where males have lured women in to film a casual sexual act to post online.

In truth, the very phrase is a myth, a misleading misnomer for something so insidious, so damaging to the human psyche. It's damaging equally to guys and girls no matter how willing or unwilling the people are. 

All a person has to do is tune in to the multiple genealogy videos & real life descriptions of the pain from the children who were the result of so called "casual sex." 

At the least?

The act of using another person to satisfy an urge or an itch can skew a males view of women as disposable, lacking in value. Simply an object . 

A casual diversion with potential catastrophic events to follow.

The difference is that it's more complicated for a teen age girl or sometimes one in her 20s or more. With every male that lures  her with flattering words , lies, excessive liquor, her fear & hatred of males starts to grow stronger with each negative experience.

Often she is left with an unexpected pregnancy, no way to contact the biological father, low money or no money. Her fear of what has happened with the shame she might feel, having nowhere to turn, no one to turn to.

Not so casual for her.

Does she try to make herself miscarry the baby, seek out an abortion clinic. Lots of fear, anger, depression, shame. As her hormones surge through her body, it's one more complication she didn't realize that she might have to face.

Even less casual. 

As the male who impregnated her goes about his life, on the lookout for his next sexual encounter. He's thinking that he's quite the stud, seeing girls & women as just for fun.

What he's actually doing is creating the scars on his own psyche, on his own view of 49% of the worlds population. He's shaping the view of 49% of the world population. 

Do you still believe it's casual?

With the readily available DNA testing, many truths have begun to surface. Like the scum in a pond or lake, that which people believe is safely buried will eventually rise to the surface. Because DNA is easier to trace to the mother of a child, again, it's the mother, the woman who was so carelessly used then discarded, who most often bears the pain. It's the pain she will bear from her lapse in judgment. Being so naïve as to believe that the one who uttered such flattery actually meant what was said. In her inexperience, is somewhat convinced that the person seducing her might actually care about her. The start of something meaningful, something good.

In reality, the person said anything they believed was what she wanted to hear. 

SCORE!

Another notch on belt or bed post. She was only a fun diversion.

It's probably sounding less & less casual.

It's easier to trace the mother of a child as there is often a circumstantial trail as well as a paper trail. When a girl/woman checks into a hospital, her fingerprint is taken most of the time that I'm aware of. I could be wrong, I am fine with owning up to a mistake if it's found that I have made one.

Sounding less & less casual.

All it would take is for just one man to be a decent human being to her.

Another route that a pregnancy can take is something I have so much pain even imagining. It's my own personal belief. It may be fine with some people, it's something I know I could never do.

It's obvious that what is being described is termination of the life of the growing fetus.

The most vulnerable people in the world. 

YES!

The growing baby is not a giraffe or a puppy. He or she is a person.

Even this act has severe repercussions for a potential mother. If she terminates a pregnancy, most will remember what would have been milestones in a childs life had she chosen to carry the baby to full term. The torment is felt in varying degrees. Often, if more than one or two terminations are done? The human body in all of it's miraculous functions, can learn how to rid the body, naturally, of the developing baby.

A very famous example is the beloved, late, Marilyn Monroe. She was said by a close friend to have had as many as seven fetal terminations early in her career. Her body had learned how to miscarry the baby. She never was able to carry a baby to full term to live her deep desire to become a mother.

Definitely not casual.

So, now, I hope you're still reading. I hope that my blog entry has made you think, given more realization of how sacred the act should be.

Less secret, more sacred.

Age of Wonder

 

(cue in the voice of the Star Trek announcer) 

Age

The final socially acceptable form of discrimination. These are the attitudes of the human race. 

My mission: 

To examine the outdated attitudes toward people of all different ages whether older or younger. To seek out an understanding of others older or younger. To boldly assist you, who are reading this, to  reconcile within yourself, the value of other humans based on who they are. Not on their age, car they drive, phone they use or any box you previously tried to put them into. To realize that people should only be put in a box after death.

Challenge your preconceptions or they will challenge you.

To a child of 5 years or so, in age, 21 seems quite aged. 30? Ancient! When a person reaches those apex positions, it seems so young. If it doesn't then maybe it's time for a check up!

The same can be said of reaching the age of 40. Age 40 may sound quite old to someone who is still in single digits or as a teenage person. In reality, 40 is a wonderful age to be. 

At age 50, many people are taking on the challenge of their first marathon or even a triathlon. When a person has taken care of their body, their mind, their spirit, age 50 is still quite youthful

At age 60, many people are still running, seeking higher education, some have even become mothers or fathers. Good health is all that is required to be able to continue a happy, fulfilling life.

At age 70, many people might re-unite with a past love or someone totally new. They might have started a second career or even a third one. A septuagenarian could have also been running marathons for many years or might be just starting.

An octogenarian can, quite often, be as active or more physically fit than a person in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s or more.

Scientific studies have proved that, barring any catastrophic disease or injury, what a person does to take care of their body makes the difference. What a person does in their teens will affect them in their 20s. What a person does in their 20s will affect them in their 30s, then, so on. 

People who decide, in their 40s or 50s, to get all of their teeth pulled, seeking a dentist to be fitted with dentures, get a doctor to order a walking cane for them? No bueno.

If a person takes care of themselves, age is mostly irrelevant. The stereotypes that held true for many years, apply less now than ever.

Whether a person runs every day or works out at home or at a commercial gym, exercise is extremely important!

A person who has abused their body with excessive tobacco usage, alcohol, junk food (it's called junk for a very good reason). A person who dabbles in illegal substances or even succumbs to the pressure of big pharma. 

Instead of looking into things they could do to improve their health, they allow a medical doctor to prescribe multiple pharmaceuticals.

It makes a huge difference between a person who takes care of their body like a temple or lets it run down like a crack house.

There are far too many crack houses walking around.  😏

My main point is this, take care of your body, it will take care of you!

To My Daughter

I stitched this as I watched Victoria napping. Such a sweet memory.

When I see columbine flowers I think of you

They remind me of the sweet things you do

When I see a little girl with big eyes and beautiful smile

It makes me wish to hug you as it's been a long while

When I hear the melody of teach me to walk in the light

It makes me happy to try to always do what is right

When I make your favorite clam chowder meal

It makes me pause to send thoughts of I love you so

To you wherever you are & everywhere that you go

When I hear your adorable laugh in person or on the phone

Although I feel lonely at times it makes me feel less alone

I love you so much my darling daughter always on my heart

It carries me through so many months while we are apart

 

Goodbye

There are a multitude of studies regarding the effects of rejection upon the psyche of a person with abandonment issues. The effects range from pronounced irritation to mild anxiety to full blown panic attacks. Many people have even successfully committed suicide as they felt such acute sadness, coping was beyond their scope of capability.

Have you ever had that feeling when you lose someone? Whether it's because of rejection or death or possibly one following the other. It's still too painful for those sensitive souls who are very challenged. Lacking the coping skills to deal with it when some people might simply shrug it off. 

Then?

There are those who were born as a sensitive child with insensitive parents. Parents whose coping skills were at their limit at the time of the childs' birth. 

Maybe?

The parents were too selfish to care or unexpectedly had a child. Teenage parents with teenage coping skills, it bodes ill for the child. There may be some teenage mothers who cope just fine at first, yet the long haul, as in the birth of the child up to age 10 or so. Things are okay, not great, yet, okay. It becomes too much a decade later.

Too much responsibility too soon. Never having a full childhood.

This is only my personal perspective from observations, for a professional perspective you might need, well, a professional.

Receiving a professional opinion is often accompanied by a professional price tag. They will be sure to send the bill!

In truth, I started life as a sensitive child.

Having parents who were having a rough time already with babies being born one right after another after another then another. This is a formula for child neglect. This is something that is much less severe when the parents are in a better position. Better relationship with each other, better dependable income of a certain level.

It makes a difference.

Here, now, I know that I had some very severe abandonment issues starting in my childhood. It was compounded by people telling me that the events that I remembered, never happened.

It was some serious confuktion.

Later on in adulthood, people who were there in my childhood, teenage years, confirmed that it was reality. That I had remembered the traumatic events accurately.

What a relief!

As well as a let down.

It's difficult for me to imagine anyone being so cruel to a small, helpless child. Unfortunately it's more common than most people realize. It still goes on today all over the world.

Having abandonment issues was something I believe I have mostly  grown out of. Counselors would offer advice to me. Useless advice.

I suppose I had to figure it out on my own.

In my adolescence, it was so tough. When the fear of abandonment hit me, I would hurry home, sit on the floor in the back of a room, in a corner, facing the wall, draw my knees to my chest, in a fetal position. Pressing my face into the separation between my kneecaps. The shaking sensation, pounding heart. As much as I held back, the tears would start. Afraid to make a sound. Silently remaining in that position until the feeling had passed. Sometimes after a few minutes, sometimes as long as an hour or at least it felt like it.

With the military training I was going through, everything was new, exciting, the abandonment issues somewhat abated. At my first base, military assignment, the horrors I experienced, brought it all back even stronger. I had to find a way to cope. Per chance I found the base craft store. There was a macramé instructor holding an experimental class, guiding people to design & create their own project. 

I signed up!

Designing a hanging macramé table was slightly challenging. More fun, than anything. Something beautiful to create with my own 2 hands, imagination, creative energy. 

As the project began to take shape, there was no anxiety, even when something occurred that might have caused the dreaded panic of abandonment issues.

At the craft center, as the people in the class worked on their individual, projects, there was a feeling of comradery, community. 

More importantly?

It felt very safe.

The other students in the class had a hard time believing that I was a Security Forces E- 2. Basically, a USAF cop. That the sweet, slender blonde with big green eyes was actually a cop.

No one would taunt, rape, molest or assault me in this safe space, as it went on in other places by those who were in my military unit. We were all together working individually, creating beauty. When the class came to a closure as we had completed our projects, there was a potluck, a sort of celebration. 

This is the best photo I have of it.

I decided to start going to the beach more.

Did I mention that I was living in Hawai'i?  😎

As a single girl, I had my fair share of dating & break ups. It only made me stronger, better able to handle rejection as well as breaking things off with others as kindly as possible.

As I matured, learned, grew, it became even easier.

Then, as my marriage became abusive, eventually wearing away at my love, my feelings, my respect for the one I married.

Finally, I knew if I stayed I would commit suicide to get out of it.

Leaving was hard, it became easier with time as my counselor helped me to see that it was the best thing I could do to save my sanity.

Back in the dating world, it was horrible. A ray of light shone in, briefly, in the form of such a truly fine man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life, with.

Learning of his death was the very lowest point in my entire life.

Starting from square one, again, I had to build my confidence up, become strong, again. In truth, if I could have pressed a button to cause my death, I would have. Yup. It was like that.

In time, I built my strength through a series of divorce recovery classes. I went to the series of 13 week classes 3 times in Colorado. Then, again in 2012, in Texas, after a devastating painful event.

www.divorcecare.org

Having reached back into the past to the feeling of the time I created my beautiful hanging macramé table, I found the same peace from completing needlework projects, one by one.

Some projects were small, some were large. The feeling was the same.

There was still something niggling at my psyche that I was unaware as to where it came from or how it was affecting me. Later I learned that it was from MST/PTSD. Google it.

All of the assaults, harassments, terrifying experiences, which I had stuffed deep into my psyche, I was clueless that those incidents were still affecting me. Night terrors, hyper vigilance, depression, anxiety. Though I worked to suppress them, they were still there.

The Veterans Administration had to address these issues as thousands of military veterans were so affected by the sexual harassments & sexual assaults. It had been allowed to happen with so many people with those in positions of authority allowing it, covering up, saying it never happened.

There have been a few situations, where I have had to end a relationship or another person ended something with me.

Somehow, the last time, I believe I have conquered my abandonment issues. Instead of sorrow, loss, sadness, emptiness?

The feeling is relief, a rebirth, a feeling of sweet release, a feeling that something good or even better is headed toward me.

The last time I was deeply wounded by a situation was 9 years ago. A valuable life lesson that a person has to develop within themselves as it's much less effective if someone tries to teach another person.

I have become good at good bye!

Happy Christmas to HM The Queen

It's a known fact that people traveled from the UK enmass to what is the North American Continent, today. The first white or Caucasian peoples, to sail to the new world, with intent to colonize, spoke with an English accent.

My apologies, there will be no long history lesson, not today!

(possibly a short one)

As much as I love history, this will be on a somewhat lighter note. As the world is still in some turmoil, just as sure as the sun rises then sets, the date will arrive. Christmas will be here as sure as Chump Charlie dumped Princess Diana for Camilla Whoresface. Christmas day will get here!

For all that Queen Elizabeth II has done right, and she has been very diligent in fulfilling her promise to serve her people. Personally, I admire her vigor, her energy level, her very down to earth attitude. She has been on the throne longer than any UK Queen. Longer than her  Great Great Grandmother, Queen Victoria. Queen Victoria was famously feisty. At only 4'11' she detested it when people referred to her height or lack thereof.

The rows betwixt she with her husband, Albert, were frequent with many a stormy infamous episode. Albert was a very masculine person (yumm). He only did what men of his era did, still sometimes do, even in 2020. Try to take over & control his wife. Kinda hard, there, buddy, when your wife is the ruler of the most powerful nation in the world. They loved each other very passionately, also, they fought very passionately.

Her Majesty The Queen of the UK (Canada, too) Empress of India

Queen Victoria

(No queen had ever chosen that name when she ascended the throne)

My very favorite person in history. She became queen at 18 years of age, married at 21, had 9 healthy children. She raised her 9 children whilst ruling a nation.

Hers along with Prince Consort Albert's accomplishment list is so long, it would take up 3 more blog entries to list them.

Out of my love for Queen Victoria, as well as a friend who loved the name, I named my youngest daughter in my admiration for Queen Victoria I will list a few, if I may.

Thank you!

Queen Victoria:

~Started the tradition of brides wearing a white wedding dress.

~Hired a chemist to develop a more comfortable childbirth time.

~Was the first person outside of Germany to have a decorated, indoor tree at Christmas time. Complete with lighting.

~Donated funding to The Wright Brothers to develop a flying machine.

~She designed jewelry as a gift to the King & Queen of Hawai'i. It is still made, to this day, with the Olde English Script that the originals were designed with. Inlaid with black onyx lettering. It's known as Hawai'ian Heirloom Jewelry, is a gift given out of honor, of love.

~ Princess Kai'u'lani had Victoria as her first name in honor of her.

~Was the only Queen of the UK, or Europe to adopt a child from an African monarchy. She felt such compassion for a small girl who had been orphaned when a coo was successful. She legally adopted her.

~Victoria & Albert laid the groundwork to make basic education available to everyone regardless of gender, money or social status.

~ Victoria and Albert established the first lending library, free to the public to encourage people to read more, to better themselves.

So, now, you see. Queen Elizabeth II is descended from greatness.

If you would like to send a Christmas greeting to the Queen:

Her Majesty The Queen

Buckingham Palace

London, SW1A1AA

United Kingdom

A few helpful suggestions. ~ 

If you wish for a reply, you might write your first & last name, return address in the upper right corner aligned to the right with the date underneath.

It's considered proper to address the letter to the queen, starting with:

Madam

In place of "you", your majesty. In place of "your" such as "your holiday" is properly written as Your Majesty's Holiday.

Then decide if your correspondence is well wishes for a holiday or occasion such as a marriage, a birth or a holiday. Kindly state the purpose in the first sentence or very brief 1 - 2 sentences.

Hand written is preferred yet only if your penmanship is legible. If not, then written on a computer then printed out, personally signed with your title (Mr. or Ms. or whatever it is) along with your first & last name, is next best.

If your correspondence is brief whilst sticking to a brief letter of condolences, well wishes, a birthday, anniversary or congratulations. You, on a rare occasion may get a personally signed note in return or in a very very rare instance, a personally written reply.

The queen takes respite, celebrating Christmas at Sandringham House. She is there from the start of winter until February 6 which is the anniversary of the death of her much loved father in 1952.

Happy Christmas, Your Majesty! God save the Queen!

 

Pastel Thoughts

Today has a dreamy quality to it, for me. Am unsure as to why. It just feels like that. With the changing of the seasons, I'm eating very different foods. Lots of turkey, fresh juiced cranberries, carrot - ginger soup, sweet potato mash with macadamia nuts, scrambled eggs with salmon.

Could that be why?

As an intuitive person, I feel things. Lovely, spiritual things.

Recently, I have felt that there is someone or maybe a few someone's thinking about me.

Hopefully, it doesn't mean I have another stalker.

With the problems I've had with my sewer backing up, toilet over-flowing, people wrongfully accusing me of things I am innocent of.

Maybe it's simple relief that those situations have been worked out or worked themselves out.

Working Out

That may be part of the good feelings I'm having wash over me!

When my gym closed temporarily, I was so sad. I had fallen out of my workout habit. Had also fallen out of clean eating. No bueno!

Now that I'm getting back into a consistent workout habit, I do feel better.

Now that I have, for a few weeks, been regularly working on the needlework exchange project for a guy friend. It feels good to watch the beauty develop, watching the newest Star Trek saga unfold.

Even in north Texas, there's a bit of *SNAP* in the air!

It's a thought or a feeling thinking of someone

It's a room full of puppies with non stop fun

It's the soft jazz playing tickling the ivory's sound

It's the happy mood of the season that I've found 

It's the feeling you get when falling in love

It's the peace that sets in at the sign of the dove

It's the sweet surprise phone call from a long lost friend

It's words of kindly forgiveness which you finally send

It's time honored traditions kept over time

It's me ending these words as I've run out of rhyme

What do you see?

In a different light focus is so near

That which was hidden becomes very clear

People who you viewed as always mad

Seem different when you see the life they had

Roads and buildings look different when day is done

Until viewed again with the risen sun

People are quick to judge others who give them a fright

Turning away from the God vision of a gentle light

For our Father in Heaven sees us neither near nor far

He sees us for our hearts of intent as we truly are

 

Away in a Small Town, No Thanksgiving For me

It's Thanksgiving Day, November 26, 2020.

The people who had invited me to their home canceled. So, I went into coping mode. 

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Mark Twain aka Samuel Clemens.

It's different than I would choose, to spend the day, if I could choose, yet, it's what I have. Treating the day as if it were any other day makes a big difference.

I am a pariah, living in a small town. 

The one person I used to spend a lot of time with won't be available any longer, so, this is it. Many people will say that they would love it if they could just be alone, all the time. These same people also depend heavily upon others, so, most likely, they could not handle it even if they think they could.

Be careful what you wish for.

It takes a lot of adjusting, developing a way to cope, becoming more self sufficient, to be able to live happily single & alone by choice. Having always been a free spirit, it works well for me. Maybe, I simply make it work.

Maybe.

The stores were still opened when T-Day plans were canceled. I went out, bought a small turkey. I made foods tailored to my healthy lifestyle. Sweet potato mash with macadamia nuts is my favorite. A spinach avocado salad with a home made vinaigrette dressing.

Having pre-made a couple pies, I took a slice out of one, put the rest in the freezer along with the other whole one. What I really wanted to do was eat a whole one. Nope, I refrained.

Using more self restraint, I REALLY wanted to buy some wine or vodka & drink myself silly. (I'm silly after 1 or 2 glasses.)

Nope.

I made cranberry water, instead. A very simple recipe that has become my "go to" drink. Just fresh, whole cranberries, in the Nutri- Bullet with water & honey. Deeeee-lish!

As I looked online for a translating assignment, I found a huge document, submitted my consent to translate it. Eating slowly as I translated the document, it somewhat eased the pain. It helped me to disregard what day it was as page after page after page rolled on.

When the translating job was finished, a friend I have known since childhood, who lives in Ohio, phoned me. It was nice to talk at the end of the day. It was nice to hear a friendly voice, to talk with someone that I have such long history with. Someone who knows me well & still loves me!

Rounding out the day with the newest episode of Star Trek: Discovery while enjoying working on a needlework design. It was far from a traditional Thanksgiving. 

Still, I was with someone who loves me (ME!) & I had Star Trek!

The Suicide Season

It's here.

The start of The Suicide Season. This year will be one of the most difficult ones for many people all over the USA as well as the world.

 If you are not a maker of the golden rule, you won't be able to gather with family & friends for the holiday celebrations. Not without scorn or backlash in real life or on social media.

What is "The Golden Rule?"

The ones with the gold are the ones who make the rules that everyone else is expected to obey or face backlash for. If they are not doing as the popular consensus is doing out of blind, sheeple obedience, woe, woe, woe be unto them.

The holidays used to be a happy time for me. I worked my butt off to make sure everyone had what they wanted & needed, to the utmost of my ability. I was doing it by myself, mostly, as the huzz would go to bed, leaving me to work all through the night, alone.

Every year, it was like this.

Now?

My grown children have their families. They don't need me any longer. They have all the money they need. They have all the family they need. They don't need me for anything, now. Either that or they are following like sheeple in blind obedience.

Either way?

The holidays double suck azz for me, this year. Public gatherings for Thanksgiving turkey are cancelled. Public celebrations that I have gone to in the past are on the verge of being cancelled. 

I'm in a small town that I hope to move from in a couple years. If you don't have family here or are not from here or don't have buttloads of cash, you can hang it up, you're nobody.

I tried to fit in for the first 3 years. The people were surface friendly, they held me at arms length. Having been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormons) for many years, I had hope that I would be accepted, when I moved to Texas, getting a fresh start.

Nope. I was not accepted, there. I was held at arms length. Finally, after 3 years of hoping to be accepted, it never happened. Members of the Ward would extend a vague invitation for lunch or dinner. Nine times out of ten, there was no firming of plans, there was no follow through. 

I would go home, after church, to cry into my pillow. Every Sunday. 

In addition to the LDS church, at different times, I attended 2 different Baptist churches, a Presbyterian Church. Different churches, same result. People would tell me how their church was "different", that it was more friendly than the others. That's a viewpoint from someone who is on the inside looking out.

Finally?

I gave up.

Having a similar experience with different religions, different churches, it became too painful, so, I stopped trying. There seemed to be a similar trend with dating when I found myself single after ending an abusive marriage.

One negative experience following another until I was sick of trying. The males out there in the world drove the point, into my brain, that males only want sex, nothing else. Males may say it's untrue, however, the actions of the males I met speak more loudly than the words of denial.

The common denominator was me, so, I took myself out of the equation. 

Withdrawing from the dating world while I still believe there are many good men in the world. Life became more peace filled.

Suicide is on the rise, right now, all over the USA, all over the world. It's so palpable. As an intuitive person, I feel it. The heaviness in the air is so strong.

Every year, when I have survived it. Every year that I don't commit suicide, is a frkn miracle to me. As it approaches, I feel it.

If you know someone who has this struggle, if you know of someone who struggles with feelings of hopelessness, reach out to them. COVID and social distancing be damned.

If someone is helped by my blog entry, by laying my feelings out, being vulnerable, when it helps someone, it would be something good.

I'm a Girl

This wrongful practice set in along with the annoying way people would end a statement with "up talk" as if they were asking a question instead of making a statement.

There IS a difference.

On the left, above, there is a female person, on the right is a male person.

If a server or any other person referred to a group of men as "Ladies" or as "Girls." It would be offensive to the men.

Why, then, is it deemed okay to refer to a group of both genders as well as a group of ladies, as "GUYS"?

This simple gaff seems terribly sexist.

Any dictionary definition clearly defines the classification of "GUYS"  as a reference to male personages. So, why is it okay to refer to a group of people who are clearly female as "GUYS"?

Being a proactive person, when this gaff is foisted at me, I will very clearly look down my shirt at my 34 DDs, then, announce something like, "I'm not a guy" or "I just checked, I'm a girl."

I know I am just one person, that it takes time for both correct or annoying practices to be replaced by the next thing.

Just as: 

Ridiculously wide bell bottom pants

Low rise jeans that showed off thongs/underwear

Up talk statements

Eating Tide Pods

These trends died down, much to the relief of many people who saw through to how wrongly ridiculous, the trends were. I am hoping that, in time, people will abandon the sexist trend of referring to ladies as "GUYS", once they regain their senses.

By the same token, it would be equally wrong to begin a practice of referring to a group of mixed company or of men, as "LADIES."

Because I am definitely all female, I hope that, I will eventually be exclusively referred to a girl or a lady or a woman.

Never to be referred to as "a Guy" again.

tyvm