Faded

I would love to fade into nothingness
At night
In my sleep

Become a wisp of air floating
Up to the stars
Over the ocean deep

Without any cares of anything
Off on an adventure
Do what I dare

Leaving this world behind as I go
Knowing that no one
Will even care

The world has millions of people
One less won't be noticed
Without me

Life will go on as it always does
With everything
Yet to be
Without me

To Write

I could write about the many times my heart has been broken
So many times I have entirely lost count after thirty
Along with all of the lies that each male has repeatedly spoken
A lot of garbage tossed around as well as just as dirty

I could write of the way people have slandered my reputation
Good christians who spitefully gossip thinking it's okay
They treat me as a free loader without any occupation
I cry then try to ignore knowing every deed will have its day

I could write of my loneliness of social isolation of my pain
People in this town don't care because it's easier to ignore
Their worlds are merry and bright free of thunder and the rain
Caught up in their own lives with no need to help the poor

I will write of the many good things that I am thankful for
Of great health which I enjoy with no medication required
My home is warm and inviting as I enter through the door
In which I ply my needlework which my friends all admire

I will write in praise of my car which I take such good care of
Happy to have such a beautiful as well as dependable ride
The first time I saw and drove him I knew that it was real love
To have and to hold and to maintain with real ownership pride

I will write how much I love my country though imperfect I know
I wouldn't want to be born anywhere else on this place called earth
Having traveled all over with many more places I intend to go
I will always return to the USA to the country of my birth

I will write of the gratitude I feel for those who keep us free
Through their fight of the good fight for family country and god
With their bravery with their sacrifice which deeply touches me
In conflict both here at home as well as battles on foreign sod

I will write of gratitude although it's sometimes hard to feel it
My smile on the outside which hides the pain I have to fight
My appearance is great camouflage so not to ever reveal it
Keep moving forward ever forward keep walking in the light

Angst & Solution

It's a tale as old as time (I think so).

This could be about Beauty and The Beast, yet, it's a more serious topic.

When a person brings a sweet new tiny baby into the world, it's a very hopeful time. Visions of who that bit of star dust will be as they grow are full of promise. Thoughts of watching them as they first toddle into the room on wobbly little legs, then learning to roller skate, ride a bicycle, start out on their education.

First day of school! That can be a tear jerker! Can also be joyous.

I worked very hard, as a mother, to do everything I could. Endeavoring  to teach my 4 kiddos as much as I could in the time I had. Arming them with life skills to launch them confidently out into the world.

It hurts me very deeply that 2 of my 4 children have excluded me from every significant milestone in their adult lives. I would have loved to have been there to witness their happy moments.

Was I a perfect mother? Nope. OMGoodness, I sure wanted to be.

Now, back to that perfect little child.

If you try to tell someone that just because you love that baby so much it feels like your heart is swelled up to bursting? That someday, there might be a time when you are pushed to the edge of your sanity by them? That your child would lie to you, steal from you, call you some very foul names? 
It would be hard to believe.

It's called a teenager.

It's then that a person realizes the truth in the semi funny sayings.

~ Parenting is not for sissies
~ They should be accompanied by an instruction book!
~ OMGoodness, what have I gotten myself into?
~ Cleaning the house while the children are growing is like shoveling the sidewalk while it's still snowing.

Come what may, they are your child to love, teach, guide. One of the toughest times is the teen age years. Some teenagers are more difficult, some are easier. 
It's between a boulder & a very hard place.

The memories of your child as a newborn baby, linger. If you love your child fiercely, as I loved and love mine, that love is there no matter how that child treats you. For me, the love is the same as it was when each of them were born. 
It was the same then, as it is, today even though they are all out there in the world, being positive contributors to society.

The ache in my heart from missing them, the joy when we visit.

It's the same, now, as it has always been.

Many parents who are going through the trials & growing pains with their teenagers, also, with children of adult age are often left so perplexed. Many struggle to figure out how to have as well as how to preserve the parent/child bond.

Peeps!

It's a slippery slope.



Today, I'm going to share some of what I have done as well as learned, to get me through it.

Caveat ~ My relationships with all 4 are imperfect. I'm going to be truthful. It could be so much better, although I have to say that my relationship with my youngest is very good. It's been described by others as a tight, close bond. Yass! 

Here ya go:

1. Many parents try so hard to cling to the idea that they deserve respect for all that they did for their child or children.
Well, yes, however, people rarely get what they deserve.

Many people do, however, get what they negotiate for.

Having a healthy relationship with an offspring who has grown into an autonomous adult, means that, even as their parent, you will have to compromise. You will have to let go of the idea that, that child is your child, you made them, you raised them!
You don't own them, nor do they owe you.

As one of my dear sweet children told me, when they were at age 26, so succinctly:
"I don't respect you because you never earned my respect."
OUCH!

2. Your adult child is going to make their own mistakes that leave you, as their parent, crushed, feeling guilty. You may blame yourself, wrack your brain during sleepless nights as to what you might have done wrong in their formative years.
STOP!
Once that child is of adult age, is supporting themselves, living on their own, even if you did some things you regret, their mistakes are their mistakes. 
Sorry, mom & pop. It usually has very little to do with you.
Once they are shouldering adult responsibility, they are also completely responsible for their own boo-boos.

3. Just as your child has evolved & changed, independent from you, they will often feel free to tell you that they don't like certain aspects of your personality.
I was told by one of my children:
"The way you do your makeup makes you look like a tired old street-walker."
DOUBLE OUCH

It may be habits that you have had for your entire life or ones that developed in your offspring's childhood.
Mm Hm.
It could be the way you chew your food, the clothing style you have, your hair style. 
Possibly your own personal style of humor. For mothers, it could be the way you apply makeup or even the lack thereof.

You're going to hear it!

If you want a good healthy relationship with your child, you may have to re-examine that. Then, decide if you care more about a closer relationship with your child or care more about clinging to that which irks them. It IS a choice.

4. Everyone has triggers. Those triggers might be something you don't know of. You only know that whilst speaking on the phone, they end the call without warning. Sometimes a conversation that was going along just peachy, will take a turn, then escalate into an argument or tears or a shouting match.

What I did with one of my children was to choose a mutually agreed on, safety word. If one of us two was getting triggered, the one who was becoming uncomfortable would say the safety word & the other person had to STOP.

Genius? Right? Ha ha!

At first, as my child and I navigated to ID the others triggers, that safety word was said many times.
It helped us both to see the triggers in each other.

I have the closest bond with that child, yet, it took work on both of our parts, to get there. Endeavouring first to understand, then, to be understood.

I had to change some habits of mine, listen more closely, do things a bit differently.
Was it worth it?
Absolutely!

A belief that has served me well is that my time to teach my children is mostly over, although, sometimes I can pull a rabbit or two out of the hat. Now? It's often pure fun as well as great connection to learn from them.

Another belief that I have is that I can learn something from everyone! Age is irrelevant. Gender is irrelevant. Race is irrelevant.
Religion is irrelevant. (I sound like a Star Trek Borg! ha ha!)

The point is this, I believe I can learn something from everyone!

As far as my children are concerned, it's less my job to teach them. At this stage of the game, it's more of my job to set an example for them as to what to do in adult life.


For personal integrity, yet, for my kiddos, too:

I don't, as a single girl, I don't sleep around.

I don't use illegal substances, presently, that is. Oh, I dabbled a bit right after divorcing their father, yet, it was mild experimentation.

Am constantly evolving, growing, changing. Within reason, of course, embracing that which is new. Styles, speech, technology, music, fitness trends. Whatever comes into my peripherals!

Living a more clean life. More clean with time.

******************************************************************************

Here's to hoping that my ramblings have helped at least one person. Obviously, I have some answers, yet fall short of having all of the answers. It can be a rocky road to navigate that transition from being a parent of a child who is dependent on them to having a good, healthy relationship with an adult child.

My Bumper Stickers, My Service

Sweet Liberty

Coming of age as an American Servicewoman

That is the title of the manuscript that I wrote. It was enough for me to write it. To express my thoughts, my feelings. It took me 10 years to write. It was very cathartic to solve many dilemmas.
I tried to publish it. Only limited in printing & publishing.
Now?
I think it's better that it was not more widely published.

The book records many of my experiences when I entered military service, went through the growing pains of trying so hard, as a girl, to learn, grow and fit in, in a mans world.

It was tough.

First of all, I was a shy, skinny girl from a dysfunctional family. There was so much I had zero clues about. I had to learn.

When people say the cliche' "Thank you for your service." I smile, say "You're welcome" or something similar. 
Most people don't truly understand the scope of exactly what it means to serve on active duty.

Things such as :

Holidays far from home in a dorm or a tent
All the missed weddings, deaths, births in extended family
Deep loneliness being so far from home
Personal, painful transformation, turning into an adult over night
Dealing with a superior who is on a powertrip, is only 4 years older than you.
Extreme sexual harrassment that leaves years of scars
Long hours with low pay with very little time off
Intense training that pushes all of your buttons
Being pushed to super human limits then some more

I have bumper stickers on my car that say United States Air Force.
It really makes me sick when people ask me, "Oh, was your husband in the Air Force."
I answer them, with, "No. I was."
The shocked looks on their faces get me every time.
Inside?
I'm seething that in the year 2019, people of all ages, walks of life, still, STILL have difficulty grasping that I could have served my country. That I could have gone through boot camp, military training schools, lived in Hawai'i & California as a single woman serving in the United States Air Force.

Though it was a different life, then, my military service still benefits me in so many ways. I still have a valid military ID, which gets TSA Pre Check when taking a trip by air,  more than half the time. Going to the various military bases when I travel, feels very safe. It feels like going home, again. 

Today is Veterans Day.

Many restaurants & places of business honor military veterans with free meals, deeply discounted services & meals. 

It's nice.

When one Military Veteran says to another Veteran:
"Thank you for serving"
It has deeper meaning because both people have a deeper understanding of what it truly means, of the many sacrifices.

To my fellow Military Veterans.

He's here, right here

Through the sleepless nights through the uncertain days
He's always with me in so many ways
Still here
Always there in the pattering rain and the rush of a stormy breeze
Only now his spirit is more subtle telling me that he's
Just a breath away
It's said that it's better to love then lose than to never love at all
My argument is that the harder you love the harder you fall
I'd rather not
When someone you choose to succumb to love with all your heart
Fizzles into someone you still do although you're apart
The tears and vomit ensue
I'm a passionate girl who loves hard when I care
Though many guys say that kind isn't anywhere
Au contraire, here am I
Now going through the days with my alternate plan
Catching smiles in happiness whenever I can
It's a good life

Karma

It's unclear to me as to why so many guys find it comfortable to talk to me, to confide in me, to trust me.

Becoming less judgmental, more compassionate, seeking more to understand than to be understood are a few traits guys have told me are what makes them feel they can trust me. In my experience, as we are all only human, shouldn't we all be so compassionate?

Billions of people are on this planet all together, at the same time, for many good reasons. Could one of the many reasons be, that we should help each other? Be kind to each other?
Could be.
It's an imperfect world.

When I state that many guys I have known have felt comfortable confiding in me, they needed someone they could trust.
These guys were in varying degrees of pain.
Emotional & mental pain.
Also, something else.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19143911

The link, above, is just one study of many that has shown a definite link between serial cheaters and sexually dysfunction in men.

These poor suffering ones confided in me some searing situations that no man wants to believe or admit even to himself, much less, another person.
There have been 12 men who spoke of this to me. 
The disheartened dozen.
All I could do was to cry with them, pray with them, assure them that they could trust me.
Refraining from judging was paramount.

Infidelity in a marriage is the kryptonite of relationships.

For this reason, I refrained from judgment as these guys confided in me that they had cheated on their wives. 
More than once.
More than 10 times since taking marriage vows.

Something had occurred. As early as 30 years of age, they found themselves with an "inability to perform" sexually, with their wives or the women they cheated with.
At first it only happened occasionally, increasing in frequency as time went on.

Lacking a degree in counseling, psychology or medical practice, this is simply a hypothesis. 
I believe it's their guilt & regret which is the mechanics utilized by karma for the many years of cheating on their wives. There can be other causes, however, all 12 of the guys who confided in me had been habitual cheaters, believing they were getting away with it.
In their selfishness, they cheated, sometimes got caught by their wives, were forgiven, did it again. Over and over.

Everyone is imperfect, if sought, we may be fortunate enough to be forgiven by our loved ones, our higher power, most importantly, to be able to forgive ourselves.

As a married person, if you cheat on your husband or wife, if you believe you have escaped consequences, re-think that.

If you have been faithful, you have saved yourself so much pain.

The Heartbeat of a Blog Post

I type a blog entry with my heart on my sleeve. I pour it out, bleeding love, sadness, hope and something else for public display. Akin to a public execution, delete...delete...delete.

Too deep, dark, heavy, too intimate to hand to the world for titillating consumption. 

Start again.

Poetry flows from my alert frontal parietal as the words travel down to flow out of my fingers onto the keyboard.
Whoops, that's too sexual to put on my blog.

DELETE!

Sit quietly, meditate, wait for the source to deliver G-Rated expression.

Mary had a little lamb.....

Plagiarism

Still, delete, delete, delete

Thoughts emerge to just take some photos of myself then post them within a blog entry. How about a recipe, I have 200+ recipes that I developed, myself, when I had my catering service. Most of them, I am the only one who has them.

Nah. It feels good to have something no one else has. Something that I could have sold for $1,500 along with my catering service. For the same reason I held back, before, I'm holding back, now.

In a bolt of thought, I had it. It rang true. The best idea for my blog.

When you know? You just know. 

I'm tired, still, when creativity strikes, it's best to go with it as it can dissipate as quickly as it formed.
A small surge of energy pulses in my brain. Yeah, I can actually feel it. It's a combo of aha mixed with, " Should I really write this?"

Yes, yes I should.

This was written for the benefit of my readers to see the creative process that produces my blog entries.

Ramblings of an insomniac blogger. 

The end.

or

Maybe a new beginning......

Who

As a small child
I was told may things
Always focused elsewhere
Growing
Learning

As a teenager
Very unaware
Clueless
Becoming more self aware
With time

Adulting was new
It was so scary
It was so exciting
It was what it was
I was born ready for it

Now I had my own baby
Such a miracle to hold
So tiny 
So perfect
Had to be responsible

Watching my baby grow
Holding on
While letting go
A balance
I did it

Looking into my babys eyes
While suckling at my breast
Embracing to do my best
Only then did I realize
It was a challenge

Thoughts were now less of me
More of my care for this little one
How to fulfill duty laced with fun
Oh little baby what will you be
Much wonder

Now I have my answer 
Now I know the truth
You're a bright star in the universe
While still in your youth
I'm watching you, still

No longer A baby still MY baby
Pure potential living, breathing, loving

Where???

Close your eyes
Keep them closed
Feel your lashes flutter 
Where would you be
If you were not where you are?

If space or time were options
Would you be a baby 
In your mothers arms
On your death bed reminiscing
Somewhere in between

Would you be in the arms
Of a lover you regret leaving
Or sailing on the ocean
Cuddling your first born
Would you be taking marriage vows

If you were anywhere in the world
Walking under the Tour d'eiffel
Floating in a salty warm ocean
Scaling mountains
Or speeding down one on skis

Would you be cuddling your dog
As a puppy once more
Where would you be
What would you be
Would you do it all again, differently

Life is full of variables
Outcomes vary
According to our decisions
When we choose to do something
We also choose to not do other things

Choose carefully
This day
This hour
This minute
This is the rest of your life

Timing

You have seen them.

You might even be one.

Maybe even in the near future.

The people who have an 80 year old face with the hair color of a 25 year old.

Keep your britches from bunching up. Ha ha!

Often, I will see mostly ladies who have very obviously dyed hair. It's easy enough to discern. Most people will be in a natural shade of some other hair color besides blonde once they are 50 or 60 or 70 or 80 or 90....
Because of the marvels of drug store hair color products available at $10 or less, anyone, guys and girls can be free of grey hair until the day they die. They can even be buried with dyed hair.

Shout out to Just For Men & Grecian Formula!

Girls do it, guys can do it, too!

It's a more sensitive topic than many people realize. Grey hair color is an indication of a lady or gentleman of "a certain age". 

So, when is the right time to allow the grey hares (ha ha) to take over? The answer is that it's very personal & individual.

FYI ~ Ageism is alive and the last form of discrimination which, while it is illegal, is openly practiced in the USA as well as the entire world.
Ageist attitudes, while it can be aimed at younger people, it is most often aimed at people over the age of 40.

Age shaming is rampant in the world.

Fat shaming? That's a no-no.
Racial comments? Better not!
Disability comments? Danger, danger!
Ethnic negativity? Just say no!
Calling someone "Grandma"? Sure, go ahead, it's so funny. NOT!

Hence, having grey hair marks someone as being older. Not only older, but unattractive, no longer viable. Moreso for women.
Oh, I'm speaking of the natural greying in a person's hair. The hair on their head, eyebrows, eyelashes, etc.

Not talking Christian Gray, lol, he's uber hott!

The trendy Salon Silver that many who are in their 20s & 30s, no.
It's so obviously artificial coloring. It's trendy, it's soooo cool!

Many people who went silver temporarily, will go back to whatever their "natural" color is, when being silver is no longer in style.

That sexy silver is viewed as trendy, fashionable, very sexy! The natural greying that occurs with age, most often starting at the temples is often a mark that a person is "just old", "too old", "grandma".
At that time, many women begin their descent into invisibility. They are discounted as less valuable by society unless they have attained high financial status, professional status or social status in the eyes of the world.

Men, on the other hand, although most don't take care of their skin, hair, bodies, minds, spirits as most women do, are viewed differently. An older man with grey or silver hair is viewed as still attractive. 
There are a few guys whom I know personally, who dye their hair, take care of their skin, maintain muscle tone, regularly nourish their spirits. Very few, yet there are a few. These anomalies may do one or two of these or all four. Good on ya dudes!

As I move on through time, as in, I consider myself a life long learner. Am always doing the grav toward anything new, I keep my spirit renewed with every day.

Eventually, as I flow in the river of life, the river of time, I will, fearlessly, completely transition from strawberry blonde to completely grey & silver. 

Rocking it like a silver VIXEN!

Becoming older is optional, I will flow in the river of time.

484 Then Nothing

You can stay calm, self assured. Your secrets are safe.

Unknown Region

My #1 reader was from "Unknown Region", then, a curious event transpired. After 484 visits to my blog, Mr or Ms Unknown Region dropped off of my readership 3 months ago. 

In truth, I enjoyed your readership, the messages you sent. 

The mystery was the whipped cream on my pumpkin pie!

Where ever you are, I hope you're safe, happy, finding love.

Stop in again, sometime. You're always welcome to visit.

Peace out!