Is it sexy or scary?

Bravely going out on a limb, here, so, fore-warned is fair, riiiight?

Maybe there will be consequences for this or maybe it will be 
nothing.

Being the shy girl, the quiet one, the scared one was who I was until going into the military. They woke the tigress, they trained the she-warrior, they brought out the confidence in me that was always there, unknown to me.
The T.I.'s, the military trainers.

THANK YOU!

Be that as it may, looks can be deceiving. In looks, I look like a small girl, rather innocent, rather naive, helpless, the fresh faced, blonde, green eyed, girl next door. All American!

Mmmm God Bless America!

In essence, I look like the ideal target for a stalker.

There is no man in my life to protect me, no lion at the gate. I take care of myself as I have been doing so for most of my life. Providing for my own needs, all needs.

Single girl, living alone, no family around, flying solo.

Stalkers love this!

It isn't sexy, it can be scary!

Shout out to my stalker! Double bird salute you SOB!

In Colorado, I had 3 of these nuisances. Combine that with the ex BF who sicked his cop buddies on me. Yeah, it can make ya a tad paranoid at times.

My stalker is back.

UGH!

Letting him know that I'm not as helpless as he thinks. I'm a peaceful Yoga practicing lover, not a fighter.

I DO know how to fight, how to defend myself & can be just as vicious, just as fierce, do as much damage as necessary to get the job done!
If it's going to be them damaging me or the reverse, you can believe that I will fight as hard to be the victor as I possibly can.

Only thrice, has it been necessary to fight like this, yet, all 3 times, I was the victor.

Being anti-drama is a better way to live.

People create drama in their lives when they are bored with the status quo. Drama dudes & Drama chiks. 
Yupp. Ha ha!
Unfortunately, drama creation can favor both genders.

Drama is the opposite of peace, the opposite of confident, the opposite of happy. So, when I see someone who loves to create drama then enjoys their creation, walking away from it is kinda meh. Have to RUN!
Ha ha!
I'm smiling!

So, Mr. Stalker?

Tread carefully, foo!

You think you know who you're dealing with?

Just try me, cash me oussid!

Time for change

The winds of change are here I can feel their caress
I feel it in my thoughts in the form of sleeplessness

It's time for the Earth to begin to sing
To laugh in flowers in the sweetness of Spring

The time is here for Spring babies to be born
Time for clothing of softness to be worn

I'm a child of Summer and I equally love Spring
Let me loose in the sunshine to dance and to sing

Come forth! Come forth! while the Earth is aglow
In warm sunshine say goodbye to the snow!

Fall from grace, back to simplicity.

Were you born into wealth or even a family who lived somewhat above middle class? A life where finances flowed easily & all needs were met by every member of the family?
Abundance & all the material possessions the family desired?
This affluence does, sometimes, lead to a materialistic view of the world.
Do you find yourself wanting more stuff, more stuff?

This was a rhetorical query, if you please.

Myself?

Good question, I'm not really sure.

What I do know is this.

There is a process involving experiences, both those that happen due to our decisions as well as random occurrences, which shape us into who we are. 

Our decisions?

To light up that first cancer stick
To choose a major in college
To exceed the speed limit & receive a reprimand or fine
To remain faithful to a spouse....or not
To marry or stay unmarried

Randomness?

Crippling car accident
Lightning strike
Unprotected sex with a partner with an unknown disease
Debilitating random disease in spite of lifelong healthy practices
Attack of a physical nature leaving one with injuries


By now, you most likely have a good idea of what is being expressed, here.

When I married & started that life, I had very simple taste. Loved to keep the home free of clutter, free of excess wall coverings etc. 

Perchance, I happened to meet a very interesting woman, then, we began a friendship that spanned a lengthy amount of time.
I was the Needlework Instructor, she was the Decorative Painting Instructor.

And, so, it began.

We traded my beautiful creations in needlework for her beautiful hand painted creations. She invited me over to her home for lunch, I was astounded at how her home was so filled with so many beautiful hand painted touches! She fascinated me, captivated my interest, she also had a bit of an acidic temper, which, ultimately brought our friendship to a close several years later.

Being a tad intimidated by her as well as skittish about inviting her to my home, I decided, I would be like Nike & just do it!
I invited both she and her husband over for dinner. I decided to make a simple dinner of spaghetti & meatballs, green salad, French bread with peach cobbler for dessert.

It was a delightful evening, our SO's got along, she was enchanted by my daughter who was only 1 year old AND potty trained!

After we had visited each other back & forth as well as traded hand made gifts, her singular comment set me in motion to become more materialistic.
She was not the cause, I acted on my own volition.
She said:

"Going from my house to yours, your house looks so barren!"

Oh, boy!

I was throwed off at that moment!

In the beginning, I started hanging more items on my walls. I began creating items to hang on the walls as well as custom framing family photos. 
This, one, simple statement of hers set me into an upward spiral of becoming more materialistic with time. I bought into the Victorian decorating fad at the time, I collected and cluttered and made almost everything in the fashionable "Mauve."

Before long, I was picking up what she was laying down! Ha ha!

I had become more materialistic.

Over time, I collected and collected and collected until my home actually looked similar to hers! 
Tastefully cluttered. 

FFWD to present day.

When I was searching for solace in the pain of a shattered heart, in 2009, the Yoga classes at The PAFB Fitness Center appealed to me.
It's my humble belief that my Yoga practice has brought me back to my simplistic nature. 

When I left Colorado in 2012, I rid myself of 1/2 of my possessions. I was going full circle in embracing simplicity. In the past few years, I have been ridding myself of even more of the clutter which weighed me down, not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually.
Losing excess body weight has coincided with that.

At the Masonic Auction in Graham, on Saturday, I stood there.Trembling.
As I watched, yet more, pieces of my life auctioned off.

I chose to let go of more items.

It was healthy for me.

It was cleansing.

It was so comforting to spend the rest of the day in Ft worth with my bff in Texas, she's simply the best!

It's my prerogative. :)

Realizing that my preferences may offend some people, I have to be true to myself. I prefer a younger guy. 
A SINGLE younger guy 25 - 40 yrs of age.
Not just a single younger guy.
I prefer a single white younger guy who is healthy & takes care of himself. Non tobacco user. 1 or 2 tatts are okay as long as he doesn't look like he's been beaten with a comic book. 
Not a fan of guys with piercings. A more clean cut appearance appeals to me more. That's rare in today's world.
Military guys appeal to me more often, the military has played a very important role for me for most of my life!

The older guys who I have spent time with (48 +) only understood this when they realized that they had difficulty keeping up with me. Very few guys over the age of 40 are SINGLE, in excellent athletic condition & would be able to keep up with me. There are a few, just not very many at all!

Don't go dirty on me!

It's not all about sex.

It's about ~

Contemporary attitudes
Energy level
Physical health
Mental state of mind
Positivism about women as well as about life
Is he in trimmed athletic condition?

These are very important to me. Always striving to elevate to a higher level of physical fitness.
Every day brings something new.
This keeps me in the present moment as I advance happily into the future, one day at a time!

The younger guys I have "kept company with" have told me that it's obvious that I'm better suited for a younger guy. 
Well, durr!
One guy even told me that my body was aged to around 30 ~ wow!
Today, the guy on the computer next to me told me that it was very obvious that I work out a lot. I smiled, told him, "Thank you."

So, YUPP! I refrain from trying to dress like a teenager, refrain from "trying to be younger."

When it's a natural state of being, it simply IS.

While sitting here, at the library, blogging, this guy who has been trying for over 2 years, wanted to take me out for lunch. 
The way he looked at me made me think he wanted ME for lunch.
UGH!

He is so, not going to make it. By his own admission, he'd rather be in his Lay-Zee Boy lounger chair with the TV remote right now.

Ha ha!

Not happening, I give him credit for trying. It takes courage for any guy of any age to even speak to a girl he's attracted to, much less, asking her out.
I know this.

We all have our preferences, hmm?

Those are mine.

"Are you looking at porn?"

First, there are many ways to define porn.

Word Porn
Food Porn
Sexual Porn
Peas & Corn = Porn!
(Felt you smile!)

Then there's..........Porn for women!

Google it! Here are just 2 examples, you'll get the idea.

Yeah, I think I just made a bunch of women smile & guys, too!!!!!

Hey!!!!! I can dream! 

There are also other types of porn. Along with being a fitness enthusiast, aka living the fitness & healthy lifestyle, I love to sew, love to listen to audio books & work on creating beauty in needlework.

While living in Colorado, I was at the Peterson AFB Library, using the internet. I was surfing to find free needlework patterns to download & print. As my search yielded better results, I was really into it. I was focused, breathless, with a few occasional light gasps. As hard as I was trying to be quiet, I was being watched & also listened to by a guy......yupp........a guy who was also at the library, completing some CBLs for his military requirements. 

After I realized he was watching me, I concentrated on being a bit quieter but the patterns were so beautiful! I lost awareness that he was there.

As I had gotten my fill & was beginning to feel a bit self conscious,  also, hungry! I decided that it was time to leave.

TOO LATE!

Mr Military Guy sat in the seat opposite me, whispered to me:

"Hey! Gorgeous, are you looking at porn?"

OMG!

I told him, of course not, depending upon how he defines porn!

He slowly walked around to sit next to me, looked at my monitor & had to stifle his laughter. Well, it was Needlework Porn!!!!

I was glad to give him a chuckle or 2.

He asked me if he could have my phone number which kinda startled me. Seeing the startled look, he added, or even your email address?

Better.

I gave him my email address.......then, so it began. I had to let him know that I was going through some major health issues (yeah, as if it wasn't obvious!). Also, I had to let him know that I was moving to Texas on May 1. He smiled, then said he thought he could change my mind.

Umm, nope! That was not going to happen. 

With this knowledge, he said he wanted to give it his best shot.

Okay

We started seeing each other 1 week later, then continued right up until the day I left. He brought me breakfast, we had some excellent conversations, he was so appealing, so much fun to spend time with, yet, I was leaving Colorado & that was that. I heard from him a few times after I moved to Texas, he's a really cool guy. Not sure where he is, now. Probably married with a couple kids. Awesome guys like him rarely stay single for long.

Guys who know women well, either play around in the sheets a lot or they find that one who satisfies him completely & stays with her.

Myself? 

I love working out, needlework porn (:

Until Mr. Wonderful finds me, am content to be single & happy!!

When you're single....

Having been single, mostly by choice, for 10 years, I think I can speak for what it "be like."

Single by choice, independently owned & operated, etc, etc. Whatever it is that it's called, still the same.

Truthfully, I am single because I refuse to settle.

There is only a specific type of guy who rocks my world enough to even attract me. Then, it takes someone who is sincere & attentive to keep my attention.

I'm a low maintenance girl. Money alone is insufficient to snag me then keep me. In fact, money matters less to me than it ever has in my life thus far.

Being self sufficient, free spirited, happy most of the time, I have been taking care of myself & my own wants & desires for a long time.

When a person, such as, MOI, is already happy, it takes very little to please me.

I settled when I married, I refuse to settle ever again.

That, in a thumbnail sketch is why I'm single.

When going about my wonderful day, full of surprises yesterday, I was asked a few times, the question I'm rather weary of.

"How can you possibly be single?"

My life is all about working out, being happy mostly, discovering new aspects of life plus all that it entails, oh, and blogging!

*smile*

Do you close your eyes?

When you're experiencing a moment of ecstasy
Or something you cannot bear to see
Do you close your eyes?

When you're kissing someone swaying to and fro
Someone so alluring you can't let go
Do you close your eyes?

When you're daydreaming of something you dearly wish
When you're touched just so where you're ticklish
Do you close your eyes?

When you're listening to music which touches your heart
Reminding you of loved ones from whom you're apart
Do you close your eyes?

When you make your wish on candles on your Birthday
Or you're startled so much you don't know what to say
Do you close your eyes?

During a time when the weather is grey and overcast
Or a flag is announcing a death with half mast
Does it make you close your eyes in silent prayer?

Do you close your eyes when the one you love calls your name
Because from anyone else it couldn't sound the same
Do you close your eyes then smile?

When your phone alerts with their unique ring tone
You know that within hours you won't be alone
Do you smile with delight and close your eyes?

Will you close your eyes with me wherever thou art
Feel the love I'm sending to you from my heart
Just close your eyes

Wishing Them Well

There's a feeling of moving on in the corners of my heart. 

While moving on seems to come easily to many, it's more of a challenge for me. That memo passed me by.

Struggling to keep moving forward, embracing the new, it's a personal struggle for me. I gravitate toward whatever is new. New music, new technology, new ways of thinking & doing things. Meeting new people, going new places. 
Many people, of all ages, I noticed, try to stay slightly in the past & sometimes will invite me to go back with them.
I fight against reliving the past, have had to fight harder with time, especially when it's hard for others to "get it."

Here's the tricky part.

Letting go of the past. 
Asserting to others that I have let go.
As I struggle to let go of my attachment to people of my past, especially people I was more attached to than I should have been.
It's difficult, yet, becoming easier.

Recently, I have sat, with a photo of each of them, told them, one by one, what I loved about him, told him I was happy for him, only want him to be happy, said goodbye.
It was bittersweet for me.
It was a release, as I felt the essence of each wonderful man who had been dear to my heart.

Interestingly, my heart, now, feels more whole, like a virgin heart which has only ever been treated kindly.

It's a process, this healing!

Feeling a small amount of residual longing, feeling a shadow of their essences, which will fade completely with time.
Also, I do feel a slight bit of sadness in missing them.
A slight wistfulness.
I'm sentimental. *sigh* Some aspects of my persona remain!

Knowing that I did the right thing is a comfort.

It constantly niggles at my thought processes that as my body is changing, my mind is also changing as is my heart.
Change the mind, change the body!

Although I didn't realize that my skin & body were changing so much, when I went to the dentist who I have not seen since Feb 1, 2017, the dental assistants made such comments that it made me realize the change.
Their comments?

"Wow! What are you doing? You look fantastic!"
"Are you still juicing carrots & beets? You look more lean!"
"I didn't recognize you, Brenda, keep doing what you're doing!"
"You look like you're glowing, are you dating someone?"

Working harder at the gym than ever, applying essential oils to my skin & practicing peace in my life. Finding every little thing to be happy about.
I'm generally a positive, happy person, yet, I do deal with depression from time to time.

These wonderful guys from the past might contact me or they might not. I would welcome him as a friend if he did.

I have released them, for now or forever, wishing them every happiness in life.  
Living in the moment while feeling hopeful & excited as I move with the flow of time into the future.

Working on Forever

Although I have too many needlework projects started, I DID finish 12 in 2016! I had only stitched the top part, the beautiful medallion & ribbons, when my attention was drawn away. While sorting through "things" to reduce possessions, I found this beautiful design I started  a few years ago.
I stitched on it for 5 hours last night, that gives some credit, right?

This design is by Nan Caldera of Just Nan Designs, it's the FOREVER Sampler.
Forever is a mighty long time!
This design is relatively simple as compared to many of the designs I have loved, have enjoyed stitching, in my long stitching career.

I see creating works of hand crafted beauty, as my stab at immortality, long after I have passed on, my works will remain. Stitching is my peace when stressed, my relaxing time!

The photo, taken from the cover of the pattern design leaflet falls short in showing the true beauty of this sampler.

I'm working on forever!

Living Proof

Here it is, in blk & wht!

Having divorced a verbally abusive male in 2007, I have remained single since then.

*******It's important to take time to heal after the storms of life have kicked a person around a bit in a painful way.***********

Getting blown can be fun, wait, umm, getting whooshed around in a good way can be fun. The painful whooshing is awful. The fun whooshing is a happy-happy thaang!

People who go from one romantic relationship, to another, to another, to another with no healing time, no "down time" in between are doing themselves a big ol' dis-service.

One of the best life skills a person can have is to learn how to be alone, to be comfortable, to even be happy with their own company. 
It affords them the satiating self knowledge of who they are.

As difficult as this seems, it's important to spend alone time, no sexual interaction with others. Not online, not in person, not on the telephone, no sexting. 
Nada.
Until you feel the sense of being okay, being alone, stay to yourself.

You can do this!

By spending time getting to know yourself, who you are, what you like, your own desires, hopes, thoughts, opinions, life goals ~
you will have a stronger chance to know yourself well enough to know what is healthy. Also, what is unhealthy.

Replacing the time that was spent with a significant other, with fulfilling hobbies, activities, platonic friends is key.

Having repeated a 13 week program, having replaced the SO with exercise & lots of it! I can tell you this, now!

Also, people assume that "single" is a romantic status. 

Nope

Life status was created for legal purposes.

Single ~ Never legally married
Separated ~ Legally separated with legal separation documents filed!
Divorced ~ Legal final dissolution of marriage papers in hand.
Widowed ~ Having been legally married, the SO is permanently deceased to the point of burial or cremation

The terms in today's world due to attempts at deception have to be added such as:

Attached ~ legally married & not willing to be truthful or having a romantic committed partner or baby mama or baby daddy.

Common Law aka shacking up without the legal commitment of legal, lawful marriage.

Unattached ~ Legally unmarried, being 100% romantically/sexually uninvolved with a significant committed or uncommitted other.

Wife, husband, spouse are all LEGAL terms which have no basis in romantic attachment.

Having been legally divorced and therefore, unattached & single since 2007, it has afforded me the luxury of getting to know myself.

It helps to allow one to become their very best authentic version of themselves.
Staying single, unfettered romantically, fosters mental, emotional, spiritual, even physical health in a person whether male or female!

This may seem like something all people know & on some level, maybe, they do! 

However.........

Many people have seen the lines so distorted or have been distorting the lines for so long, themselves, or both, that they live in a world of self deception.

Myself, I am living proof that there is comfort, happiness, fulfillment in being 100% single after a long marriage for long periods of time.
There is a peace in my heart, in my mind, a surety of who I am, self identity that can only "be" when it is real. 
It has to be cultivated like a beautiful pearl in an oyster.

Peace of mind, peace of spirit & peace of heart is a comfort!

Cultivate peace within yourself.

You have this, you can do this.

Living Proof.

Information is power, well, sort of

Some favorite quotes speaking of information & intelligence ~

*All information is good information if processed carefully
*Intelligence is glorious when used correctly
*Sharing information has power!
*Over sharing of information ~ awwwkwaaaard!

By self admission, I know I talk too much, hey! I'm still working on curbing it.
Having Robin Williams'esque brain can be a hindrance!
My brain moves so fast, it's a challenge to curb it from spilling out through my lips. I DO try to curb it.

Having a deep curiosity about the world as well as, umm, EVERYTHING! is a mixed bag of joy & frustration. Combine that with a desire to help others, a giving nature, ugh!

Am I alone in this?

When I find something good, I want to share it. When I have good fortune come to me, I find someone who I can benefit & pass a bit of the magic on to them.

Chocolate wasn't put in the stores to stay, chocolate is love when you give it away!

People often don't care to hear what information I wish to share, that's okay. People have to do what works for them.
Whatever is working for me, doesn't always work for someone else, yes, I realize this.

However.........

I have had more life experience in my short life than anyone I know who is half my age to even 3 times my age *smile*

Having lived in or visited several countries outside the USA & soaking up everything possible, just like a sponge! It has given me a unique perspective.

Such a unique perspective that it has made me into such a unique person that it works against me.

It tells me that I will be single for the rest of my life if only for the reason that most guys are uncomfortable with a girl who is far from the usual.
I'm very stable while being predictable in some ways while unpredictable in other ways.

Am very aware of this.

Information is power! 

See what I just did, there?

*smile*