To give or receive

Which is more comfortable for vous? To give? To receive?

Most people are more comfortable giving than they are receiving, just in my experience. Usually, I'm the giver, it's safer for me, that way.
Why is that?
Well, trusting others has rarely ended up well for me. People in this world have proven to me over and over that trusting others is a mistake. My parents couldn't be trusted, my siblings have betrayed me. Even my own children have turned on me, betrayed me in ways I never could have imagined.

The males in this world have shown me further, that males ESPECIALLY cannot be trusted.

Whatever trust I had in people, just starting out, was crushed by my experiences while serving in the USAF. Every female was jealous of me and stabbed me in the back, every guy was just out to get in my pants. When I turned the dogs away, they only spread horrible rumors about me, of course people believed them. The bad stuff seems to be more often believed than the good information.

Now? I'm a loner. It's safer this way, better, this way. Alone 90% of the time. By choice. 

Very painful, yet, being alone is better than betrayal, over and over.

Married males, single males, religious males, older, younger, all races & ethnicity, all have proved to me that males can't be trusted. Not with my heart, money, mind or body. Nothing is safe.
It would have only taken ONE decent male treating me with respect, instead of the lies, deceit, emotional pain, yet, there were none. It ended up with me hating myself for caring about them.

So, that's my story and why I would rather help others than accept anything from anyone, there are always strings attached. Sooner or later, the strings reveal themselves and I'm screwed - again.

By nature, I'm a giver, a helper, a nurturer, so, these trust issues are especially hard for me. My heart is still so tender that it wants to believe in the good in the world. Wants to believe that there are people worthy of trust, yet, my mind silences my heart in self protection mode.

Have I ever betrayed others? I'm sure I have. Yet, if I did, it was in dealing pain out to someone who dealt so much pain & suffering to me that I was overflowing it onto them for all they gave to me.
Seems fair, right?
No, not really, yet it did feel good to get angry,then, get even.

It's not right, yet, it's what I did. I live with it. Better than feeling like a perpetual victim.

Giving is more gratifying, more emotionally safe. I know that I can definitely be trusted while I'm pretty sure most people will stab me in the back if I let my guard down.

As one who has been involved with the military most of my life, I have a soft spot for Military Veterans as well as active duty military people.
When I moved to this small town, I was surprised at how many Military Veterans as well as Military Reserve & National Guard people there are. Well.......it IS Texas after all! I have found that the people in this town have a love and a respect for the military that I didn't find anywhere else I have lived. Having moved around a lot, the respect for the military was not so strong as it is here. I can only speak for this part of Texas where I currently reside. Maybe the rest of Texas is like this, too? Honestly, I can't say as I do not know.

The first Military Veteran I met, in this town, who was suffering so much really spurred me into action. I wanted to help him. Seeing his suffering, caused some sleepless nights for me. Laying in bed, unable to sleep, trying....trying....trying to think of a way to help him. I knew about the VA Representative, yet, I didn't think to go to the Rep for myself. The next time I went to the VA Representative, I snagged several of his business cards. 

When I met a Vet who was suffering ~ the hounding began!

My heart wanted to help them, to end their suffering. Who am I? What power do I have to help these people? 
The answer is ~ none, really ~ I wouldn't accept that from myself.  
The need to do something or at least try my very hardest to do something to help, burned within me. Laying awake through the night, thinking about it no matter what I was doing. Working out at the gym, showering, watching a movie, taking a walk around the lake. The wheels in my brain would be turning.

How can I help this person?
When was the last time I checked up on them?
How is this person doing?
Does this person have food to eat?
Is this person depressed or cold or sad?

Then, I would go find them or sometimes see them while out running errands around town, it's a small town. I would ask them how their VA case is going. Ask them what they were doing to move the process further along. Ask them if they needed help to fill out their forms. A stamp and/or envelope to mail the forms in? Could I drop it off at the post office for them?

Today, when sitting & visiting with one of the Military Veterans I was hounding for 6 months, I found that the case had been processed. It was a success, the help was being given.

My case is still pending. Yet, having learned that I have helped *FOUR* fellow Military Veterans to receive the help they needed. To put some healing balm on the mental, emotional and physical wounds they suffered, while serving their country. THIS is gratification to me. This is the big pay off to months of hounding, the anguish of the sleepless nights, this time & effort spent, the worry for the suffering of these fellow humans. It is a wonderful reward. 

My case is still pending, as I have already said. Whether mine is solved or not, it feels like I have received so much more than monetary reward can ever give me.
Of course, monetary reward is nice, yet, in my heart, I know that I have helped to ease the suffering of 4 others.
Hopefully, this will have a ripple effect, even if it's in small ways, that I was able to make the world a better place for having lived in it, to have done what is right, what is good.
Very minimal risk to myself, yet, a greater good beyond whatever my life is.

This has made me feel, although I would rather be a suicide statistic, I must still be here for a reason.

I'm still here.

I'm still here.

The answer 

From previous blog.

What was your guess ?

Ha ha.

F

As in "F"

None of the above!

If you're still reading, you get an "A", love!

Hey, now, I'm feeling good , feeling generous! In this heart & mind that is me, everyone starts 

out with an A+ until they show that they are sub par in the trustworthy department.

So, I'm sitting here with a beautiful mix of fresh baby spinach, *snipped fresh basil*, chopped tomato, avocado, red bell pepper, a grilled salmon fillet. The yummy touch? Raspberry vinaigrette!

Yes, love, today is a good day!

Peace 

Effort is Sexy!


Oh yeahhh!

Do you agree?

So is motivation.

Motivation comes easily to me. Am not sure why or how, yet, I have always been able to reach inside myself to get myself motivated. Get myself moving to accomplish whatever.
That includes getting up in the morning, straight into gym threads, go through morning routine (that shall remain unknown ha ha!) then.....whoosh! Out the door to the gym.

Boom.

Motivation also comes easily to me to start house cleaning, car cleaning, yard work, umm, once I push the mental "start" button in my brain. It's almost a palpable click when it starts to happen.

Effort???

O yeahh!

Definitely acing the effort factor!

Putting total, unbridled, maximum effort into whatever it is. Being a rather passionate girl, attacking a goal with passion comes naturally. It begins as shifting gears, then, it turns to slight focus, then.......the magic happens! Laser focused, passionate effort. I'm there, I'm driving myself like a crazy Italian driving a Maserati racer!

Of course, there are times when the mojo slips a little, rare times, still happens.

Dammit Jim! I'm human! Ha ha!

At those times, which usually happen during cold weather, I kick myself back into gear with:

A. Heroin
B. Sex
C. Whiskey
D. Head bangin' music
E. All of the above
F. None of the above

What do you think?

Ha ha.....have a great day!

After midnight ...

It's  00:35.

I'm awake. The dishwasher is humming as it cleans the dinner dishes. I bbq'd some excellent ribeyes  brought over by my guest de noir. Cooking for others is a joy. So, for dinner ~ Steak, fresh spinach salad, grilled sweet potatoes , home made wheat bread. No dessert. 

It was a fun evening, good company, good food, laughter, interesting conversation. Sharing my views of  Marilyn Monroe, her life, her joy, while hearing my guests input, ideas, point of view.

Hearing a fresh perspective on an often visited subject is stimulating, you know, intellectually.

With so much stimulation, the brain keeps ticking long after the evening of company has ended.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Turn the warming mattress pad & electric blanket on. Perhaps the warmth will wrap around my body as a caressing, soothing physical lullaby, transporting my psyche to blissful sleep.

Bon noir. A demain.

It's Here!

Ready....or not.

MARCO!

MARCO!

MARCO?????

What? 

No......POLO???

Not ready, hmm?

No worries, darlings, whether you're ready for the holiday season, or not, it's here. Whether 

you're prepped, or not.

Like death, like love, like rain, like......you get it, okay. OKAY!

Since 2007 the holidays have ceased to exist for me. You would think that after being a doting 

mother to 4 kiddos who are now adults, they would want to share some quality time, if only at Christmas time. If I hear from the 3 oldest at all, it's a brief phone call to tell me what a great Christmas they're having or every 2 - 3 years ....a card. Yippee Skippy.
Their father taught them that I had no value in the disrespectful way her treated me. Now, they treat me as if I have no value.  
Precious Sunday phone conversations with my youngest are the extent of a return of joy for all the time I invested in them. I cherish those Sunday conversations. My youngest DOES bring me smiles, DOES bring me joy. 

Last year, I took a trip to Las Vegas from December 24 - 29.

In spite of the person I went there with being overly religious, lacking in energy, had multiple emotional melt downs. GAWD! Drama is so annoying. Drama in Las Vegas is just silly!

Going to Vegas for the holiday ~ I was determined to have a great time! Indeed I did! I bought my first backless dress ~ ever! Had my 5" sparkling heels! Went to the Chippendale's Show. Walked around the strip, enjoying the sights, the different exotic drinks, tasty foods. Yumm!

This year will be low key.

Nope. I still have no desire to date at all, so, no romance. It's a choice.

So, the holidays are here! I'm taking the large container that I keep Christmas decorations in, out of the closet. I'm putting the German electric candles in the front window. 

Having a smart TV, I have Christmas music playing on I Heart Radio. The TV has a great speaker system!

I did splurge a little. A guy who was in town on business saw me at the gym, asked me out. He chatted me up, telling me about a new fitness supplement that's better than  Redline.  Better than Redline? Hmm. Wouldn't tell me the name of it. Teased me with, ~

"I'll tell you if you have dinner with me"

UGH!

So after 2 days of his teasing, I had dinner with him.

Just to, you, know, get the name of this fantastic supplement!

Excited to try it!

So, darlings, play some Christmas music, feel the joy, feel the nostalgia. Feel the LOVE!

Stay tuned.

Laters, baby!  :)

The Answer 

Did you read the November 24th blog?

Did you make any guesses?

Hmm, didja?

It's a struggle to put one on, then to take it off. Some girls even need help to put one on, then, help taking it off, sometimes. It has to be tight to be effective.

My 34 DDs need the binding so I can stair step & elliptical at a crazy rigorous pace. Just for the record ~ natural ~ yeah. Natural everything. 

Am not a fan of cosmetic body enhancements.

Nike sports bra! Just wear it!

Why does it take so much force?

Here's something fun, today. See if you can figure out what I'm talking about. 

Ready?

Go!

I know that it has to be tight to do its job

It's the frkn tightness that's the major prob

It outperforms any others of its kind
Has to squeeze, has to bind

My girls don't complain though they can't even move
They just stay still in their uber tight groove

The assorted colors are fun and bright
Although they remain hidden from sight

Every morning I struggle while twisting and swearing
To get it to work without any muscles tearing

It's a love hate thing only girls understand
The very best made by the very first brand

So, I pull and I twist until it's in the right place
A smug smile of triumph across my face!

????????????????????????????????????????????????

Can you guess? Probably.

If you have ever encountered one of these torture devices that
us girls need, you might even agree & chuckle in recognition

Until we meet again.

L8ers baby!

The Pressure

Is it self imposed?

Is it societally imposed?

or

Is it simply perception?

The pressure, whether outer or internal to be, to say, to look, to do, to conform to what is expected. 

Is it outward or inward?

The answer, in my humble opinion is ~ BOTH!

Although I seem to not be paying attention to the world around me while I'm working, training at the gym, running errands, etc. I notice others as I notice them noticing me. notice notice notice 

Being totally aware is a mixed bag of detriment  while at the same time an asset to this experience called being human, living life, living the dream, or often, simply daydreaming.

Yes, I'm a daydreamer, for sure. It's healthy to curb the practice, slightly reining it in. In the somewhat distant past of a mere 9 years ago, daydreaming was a very dangerous practice. Daring to dream big, to dream of a life that I truly believed would be mine in a matter of months. 

If one is to live their dream, they must first WAKE UP! Form a plan, swing into action, get moving to make it happen.

That's what I did.

I didn't walk away from a long marriage that had turned sourly abusive, depressing, unhealthy. 

I RAN!

It takes 2 to make a marriage work, I was the only one trying, it was time to form a plan, then leave.

Taking the fastest track out, even paid for it, OMFG did I ever pay for it!

It was akin to standing at the edge of a high precipice. You know, like the gorgeous woman in a long, flowing silky gown, her hair and gown softly blowing in the upward breeze.So majestically ruffling her hair, lightly billowing her skirts like the sails of a ship moving steadily forward in the breeze, ever forward.

Many nights, I had dreams of standing on the edge of a high cliff (I'm deathly afraid of heights!). Standing at the edge, looking upward, I would spread my arms as if they were the wings of an eagle. All the while, the desire to fly, drowning out any fear of falling, failing, until, I heard the swoosh of the wind in my ears, then noticed, I did, indeed have great wings, and was, indeed soaring upward.

Some nights, the dreams were of waking up from a sound sleep to find my entire body wrapped in strong, tight, cold chains. Like a steel cocoon, yet, there may never be the escape as a butterfly.

As time went on, as I gathered mental & emotional strength, the soaring dreams became more frequent, as the chained dreams diminished.

Flight prep had begun. 

Getting out into the world after having lived in a sort of protective bubble for a long time, was a big shock. While the bubble protected me, it was also a sort of invisible cage which held me back from my true potential, from being who I really am, who I was born to be.

After recovering from the anxiety of being completely alone for the first time in my life, I started to really like being able to do as I wished without the constant barrage of harsh criticism from the male who was supposed to love me, yet, fell so far short on so many levels.

The freedom of answering only to myself, also, taking on the consequences of exercising a bit too much freedom.

In the time period when I was "off the market", the dating world had changed drastically. Not for the better, either. 

Also, I found there were these strange creatures that hid in my closet & dresser at night. These creatures sewed my clothes tighter. Yep, the invasion of the pesky calories! Too much indulgence!

There is no exterminator who can rid a dresser drawer or a closet of calorie infestation! *smile*

Harsh opinions of body image was also to the forefront. People were unapologetically bold in their opinions to tell others how a bit of extra poundage was way unattractive. OUCHIES!

I had begun hitting the gym a few years prior from regaining my freedom, thought I had it handled.

WRONG

Not only was the shallow attitude about body image, it was also about age, income. 

DOUBLE OUCHIE!

Time to step up the plan.

I started hitting the gym even harder, there was a lot of room for improvement. Way more self improvement work than I had originally thought. Time to get busy!

Becoming more self conscious in good ways was a great avenue to take. It's amazing, how, as my body changed shape, my thought processes followed along. 

Having to overcome being stuck in the past was a huge hurdle. I'm a classic sun sign, Cancer woman. Have to resist being overly nostalgic, overly sentimental, overly dreamy, idealistic. I started to focus on anything new, anything current. It kept pulling me forward. 

Then

MAJOR SETBACK!

The horrible event of 2011!

UGH!

Although it was horrible at the time, it was akin to shooting me, like an arrow into a better life. It gave me sympathy for arrows, extreme speed, extreme distance had its extreme pain along, too!

I landed in this small town, after all the dust settled. A sleepy, sweet, small town where the people are mostly quite nice, life moves at a slow pace. A time to heal, completely. A time to grow, to explore in a safe environment.

As safe & quiet as this town is, there is still pressure. Back to the original question of where the pressure comes from.

I'm a fighter, a survivor, an imp with an ever burning curiosity about everything, a fiery thirst that takes me to many places, both inward and outward. Brings a bit of trouble at times, it's all good.

Even those with courage, fire, confidence, can feel like someone is pissing in their cheerios at times. Being a bit of a perfectionist can only add to this. When I believe I have come so far on this journey, made so much progress, one comment from someone who has earned my respect & trust can still crumple me like a sheet of aluminum foil. When crumpled, it will never be the same as it was in its original, pristine smoothness. 

Someone once told me that it's like a precious porcelain vase which has been shattered. When lovingly glued back together, the beautiful light shines through the cracks. The vase becomes beautiful in all its perfect imperfection.

In yoga class, today, this was what was going through my thoughts.

Namaste

Growing

Growing 

YAYYYYY!

Well, yes, personal growth, that's ongoing! Dur. This is a different type of growth.

Warning 

I'm a very feminine, girlie girl. 

The type of girl who loves soft silky fabric, perfume, not much into makeup but a little. The Marilyn Monroe type of femininity. Please remember this is about being the antithesis of a feminazi.
Loving being feminine, sweet, kind while also being strong, independent, free spirited. Love a workout that drenches me in sweat. Love anything new, love the challenge of change !!!

Before turning 18, my hair always grew quite slow. Around 2 inches per year, it's a rough guesstimate. Rather frustrating for a girl who wishes for long hair. Since around the age of 18, my hair growth had slowed down to about .5" yearly.

UGH!

Recently, through research, finally! I found that by making just 2 small changes 2 months ago, my hair is 1" longer! I went to a beautician today who I had to measure my hair 2 months ago before I started the changes. Yep! 1" growth!

I'm thrilled!

Finally, My baby fine hair will be as long as I want it to be!

One change I made was to increase my intake of lean protein while decreasing intake of processed & even all natural sugars. A very difficult while beneficial change.

The other change will remain with me. A girl has to have her own delightful stash of mysteries. *smile*

Oh, go get some protein!

Ciao!

The Romantic Girl Still Lives in my Heart 

Kingdoms need their castles 

Just as dragons need their scales 

Without a quest or vision 

There's no magic in the tales

I savor the brave deeds of warriors 

Told in prose or told in rhyme 

May we all keep the child in our hearts

Who believes in, "Once upon a time"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Someone else wrote parts of this, I added some 

of my own sentiment 

Memories, Today, the Future

So many memories swirl around in my thoughts. Most are sweetly precious ....then, there's the other variety. 
The ones a very wise, loving person taught me the skills to live with in peace.
The pain of abuse, abandonment, heartbreak. The searing emotional heartbreak that turns many girls into lesbians, man hating feminazis. Sometimes it turns them into a recluse. The past, for me, was very dark. I prefer life in the present day.

Although most of my days are spent at home or close to home, it's because I'm more of a homebody. Love being at home. Very peacefully serene as I work, exploring the great indoors.
Everything needed is within reach.

Taking occasional trips to have a change of pace is refreshing.

The future?

Well, it's unknown. Unknown in a tingling, slightly anxious, hope filled sort of feeling. Anticipatory of "what's next".

The voice of the future calls me forward.

Grab your wishing flower, take a deep breath, make a wish.

Now.......scatter the dream seeds of tomorrow with your breath!

Dreams sometimes DO come true!

Keep dreaming.

Love & luck to you!