The Pressure

Is it self imposed?

Is it societally imposed?

or

Is it simply perception?

The pressure, whether outer or internal to be, to say, to look, to do, to conform to what is expected. 

Is it outward or inward?

The answer, in my humble opinion is ~ BOTH!

Although I seem to not be paying attention to the world around me while I'm working, training at the gym, running errands, etc. I notice others as I notice them noticing me. notice notice notice 

Being totally aware is a mixed bag of detriment  while at the same time an asset to this experience called being human, living life, living the dream, or often, simply daydreaming.

Yes, I'm a daydreamer, for sure. It's healthy to curb the practice, slightly reining it in. In the somewhat distant past of a mere 9 years ago, daydreaming was a very dangerous practice. Daring to dream big, to dream of a life that I truly believed would be mine in a matter of months. 

If one is to live their dream, they must first WAKE UP! Form a plan, swing into action, get moving to make it happen.

That's what I did.

I didn't walk away from a long marriage that had turned sourly abusive, depressing, unhealthy. 

I RAN!

It takes 2 to make a marriage work, I was the only one trying, it was time to form a plan, then leave.

Taking the fastest track out, even paid for it, OMFG did I ever pay for it!

It was akin to standing at the edge of a high precipice. You know, like the gorgeous woman in a long, flowing silky gown, her hair and gown softly blowing in the upward breeze.So majestically ruffling her hair, lightly billowing her skirts like the sails of a ship moving steadily forward in the breeze, ever forward.

Many nights, I had dreams of standing on the edge of a high cliff (I'm deathly afraid of heights!). Standing at the edge, looking upward, I would spread my arms as if they were the wings of an eagle. All the while, the desire to fly, drowning out any fear of falling, failing, until, I heard the swoosh of the wind in my ears, then noticed, I did, indeed have great wings, and was, indeed soaring upward.

Some nights, the dreams were of waking up from a sound sleep to find my entire body wrapped in strong, tight, cold chains. Like a steel cocoon, yet, there may never be the escape as a butterfly.

As time went on, as I gathered mental & emotional strength, the soaring dreams became more frequent, as the chained dreams diminished.

Flight prep had begun. 

Getting out into the world after having lived in a sort of protective bubble for a long time, was a big shock. While the bubble protected me, it was also a sort of invisible cage which held me back from my true potential, from being who I really am, who I was born to be.

After recovering from the anxiety of being completely alone for the first time in my life, I started to really like being able to do as I wished without the constant barrage of harsh criticism from the male who was supposed to love me, yet, fell so far short on so many levels.

The freedom of answering only to myself, also, taking on the consequences of exercising a bit too much freedom.

In the time period when I was "off the market", the dating world had changed drastically. Not for the better, either. 

Also, I found there were these strange creatures that hid in my closet & dresser at night. These creatures sewed my clothes tighter. Yep, the invasion of the pesky calories! Too much indulgence!

There is no exterminator who can rid a dresser drawer or a closet of calorie infestation! *smile*

Harsh opinions of body image was also to the forefront. People were unapologetically bold in their opinions to tell others how a bit of extra poundage was way unattractive. OUCHIES!

I had begun hitting the gym a few years prior from regaining my freedom, thought I had it handled.

WRONG

Not only was the shallow attitude about body image, it was also about age, income. 

DOUBLE OUCHIE!

Time to step up the plan.

I started hitting the gym even harder, there was a lot of room for improvement. Way more self improvement work than I had originally thought. Time to get busy!

Becoming more self conscious in good ways was a great avenue to take. It's amazing, how, as my body changed shape, my thought processes followed along. 

Having to overcome being stuck in the past was a huge hurdle. I'm a classic sun sign, Cancer woman. Have to resist being overly nostalgic, overly sentimental, overly dreamy, idealistic. I started to focus on anything new, anything current. It kept pulling me forward. 

Then

MAJOR SETBACK!

The horrible event of 2011!

UGH!

Although it was horrible at the time, it was akin to shooting me, like an arrow into a better life. It gave me sympathy for arrows, extreme speed, extreme distance had its extreme pain along, too!

I landed in this small town, after all the dust settled. A sleepy, sweet, small town where the people are mostly quite nice, life moves at a slow pace. A time to heal, completely. A time to grow, to explore in a safe environment.

As safe & quiet as this town is, there is still pressure. Back to the original question of where the pressure comes from.

I'm a fighter, a survivor, an imp with an ever burning curiosity about everything, a fiery thirst that takes me to many places, both inward and outward. Brings a bit of trouble at times, it's all good.

Even those with courage, fire, confidence, can feel like someone is pissing in their cheerios at times. Being a bit of a perfectionist can only add to this. When I believe I have come so far on this journey, made so much progress, one comment from someone who has earned my respect & trust can still crumple me like a sheet of aluminum foil. When crumpled, it will never be the same as it was in its original, pristine smoothness. 

Someone once told me that it's like a precious porcelain vase which has been shattered. When lovingly glued back together, the beautiful light shines through the cracks. The vase becomes beautiful in all its perfect imperfection.

In yoga class, today, this was what was going through my thoughts.

Namaste