Alone?

There are hundreds of people who are either single by choice, living alone or alone in the world through life events out of their design, not in their control.

My personal experience of this phenomenon is a little smidge of both. Starting life in a dysfunctional family could be somewhat of a setup for this. I left my parents home ASAP! The abuse suffered in the military was a different sort of dysfunctionality, just as damaging. The abuse of ex huzz certainly set up circumstances to further my isolation.

These circumstances contributing to the erosion of my trust in people, particularly in males. With every assault at the hands of male co-workers in the military, my trust level in anyone dropped. With the constant verbal abuse of ex huzz, my trust level was further eroded.

Although I lived in a semi-safe financial bubble as a married woman, the verbal, emotional, sexual abuse took its toll on my ability to  trust anyone.

While these circumstances eroded ability to trust, it also made me one with a stronger will, finely tuned survival skills, more keen situational awareness. Survival skills needed to stay safe as I adjusted to being single, alone, completely alone for the first time in my life.

Since 2007 it has been a constant effort to learn to be alone. All day, every day. Learning to appreciate my own company. To quash the urge to merge, to go against the societal pressure to couple up, to go against the natural urge of a woman to crave a man to share her life.

It has been a process to learn to be happy being alone.

Friends and family have told me that they admire my strength, my bravery. Psst! I'm less strong, less brave than they think!

The truth is, the choices are rather unattractive. Having had chances to marry again, to fulfill the pressure to marry a second time.

I just say, "NO."

So, this is why I'm alone in the world. Cut off from family, living in a small town where I'm mostly shunned. My one bestie after living here for 5 years is a great blessing. Am not from the town, not married to anyone from here. No family.

I'm an outsider.

Dating prospects are non-existent. No sense in settling as I did when I married. Better to be alone than with Mr. Wrong or even worse ~ Mr RIGHT NOW. Mr RIGHT NOW is everywhere. Married, single, older, younger, all races, all religions, all shapes, all sizes. 
ONS, OWS or even OMS is a no-go for me.

In place of a man in my life, I work out a lot, take road trips, plane trips, volunteer, blog and enjoy long stretches of blissful sleep in a bed that I have all to myself! It's heavenly! 

There are many people who, for various reasons, choose to fly solo. Am sure they all have a different story as to why.

Remaining single for the rest of my life offers a certainty, a finite safety in peace of mind.
It would take a guy of such a high caliber of integrity to make me give up my peaceful existence, am unsure he even exists.
Yet, he might.

What the future holds, none of us knows.

For now?

Happy in my fitness practice with my peaceful life.

Namaste'