Sleep sweet Sleep

It's been awhile, now, since I have been able to sleep without using a sleep aid. The bed is too empty, too cold, too much empty space between me and all the other people in the world.

Trying to sleep without meds is a no-go. I have tried.

Staying awake for 72 hours is so hard on me.

Even when I was married and shared a bed with him until the last 3 & 1/2 years of our crumbling marriage, when he was angry with me, which was frequent. Sleep was impossible. At least, then, I only went without sleep for a reason.

It disturbed my soul when he would become angry with me, giving me the silent treatment for as long as 2 weeks at a time. He would simply expect me to figure out why he was upset. Pussy boy passive aggressive tactics killed any love I felt for him. That and his rampant hyper criticism, his control issues.

As soon as his dick was too hard so that his hand wasn't quite doing it for him, he would snap out of it and expect me to be grateful that he would want to speak to me, would want to screw me again. This abusive cycle repeated many many times during the time I was married. He pulled the same crap with me, the with-holding sex punishment that so many women do to punish their husbands. It's a destructive tactic.

This was the only time I experienced such acute insomnia before this long stint of nearly 10 years.

For the most part I have been one with self respect, morals, values. What I'm saying is that I can't let myself sleep around.

I have done it, once, and it's left deep scars on my heart. I know that I'm not one who is able to handle it. So, I channel my energy into my workouts, yoga, artistic creative pursuits.

So, what is the answer? Tough it out, go completely without my OC sleep aid, go for 72 hours at a time with no sleep? I tried going without the sleep aid. It was a miserable month. I missed appointments, my work suffered greatly. I felt horrible, exhausted. I drove very slowly through town, being careful with my driving. Other people seemed to notice, asking me if I was okay. Telling me I looked like I was very tired or had been crying. Reluctantly, I gave in after 30 days to take the sleep aid.

I have tried melatonin as well as many other forms of natural sleep aids. I don't use caffeine, I don't drink coffee or tea or caffeinated sodas. I have stayed away from any electronic devices 3 hours before going to bed. Going to bed after a soak in lavender scented warm bath water.
Then....I laid awake in bed in a cool dark room, 2 hours, 3 hours, 4 hours. 5 hours later I get dressed, go to the gym, get my workout in. Sometimes 1 hour or 2, sometimes 3 if my body tells me that's what it wants. In the gym, the body is the boss.
Yes, very in tune with my body, it tells me what it wants, what it needs when I get to the gym. It's kinda tough to explain.

Being so in tune with my physiology, my body rewards me by doing what it's supposed to do when I give it what it tells me it wants. It will give me everything .....except........sleep.

I know that what my body wants is to have someone who loves me and cares for me in bed. It wants the sweet intimacy that it craves, yet, I can't do that so body is holding out on me.

When I was deeply, excruciatingly hurt, for the last time I will ever allow it, I made a promise to my heart. The promise was that I would never let it be betrayed, abused, never be so shattered again.
I keep my promises, even the ones made to myself.

My heart wants to love again, yet, I'm sworn to protect it.

Heart has forgotten the agony, the pain the last breaking of it.

Hearts are such wild things, this is why our ribs act as cages.

Inside the rib cages.
That's where all the wild things are.

*smile*

Side Effects

Keep in mind:

This is my experience
This is what I have observed
It may or may not be the same for you

You might wonder, "Wth is she talking about!"

To preface this, if you have not seen it, already, I like to live as natural as possible. Being frugal, I spend as little as possible. Having used the expensive types of cosmetics, cleansers, face creams, complexion treatments, I know that they are over priced. Ridiculously over priced. I have experimented and found that natural substances & methods work better than all the expensive stuff out there, plus they cost a whole lot less.

The most recent treatment I have found that not only doesn't cost any money at all, it works crazy good!
This treatment I found to get my hair to start growing more is one I found online. It only required 5 minutes of time before going to bed, only the first five days of each month. It's called the inversion method. it's very simple. Just how I like it!
Here it is.

The first 5 days of the month, right before bed, in a standing position, bend over at the waist so that your head is upside down. Massage your scalp for five minutes.
That's it.
Some people will bend over from a sitting position.

Thank you, Yoga!

I bend over from a standing position. I set an alarm on my phone to go off 5 minutes later. Massage my scalp all over!

From my Yoga practice, I can bed forward, put the palms of my hands, with fingers spread out like starfish, flat on the floor next to the sides of my feet, comfortably. It feels good!

Again, from doing Yoga, I can bend over backwards, place my hands with "starfish fingers" flat on the floor. YOGAAAAA!!!!

An interesting thing has been happening from these head massages. I notice this at night more than during the day. Sometimes during the day.
At night, I get these sensations on my scalp as though something was crawling through my hair. Cah-reepy! Sometimes, it even feels as though someone is caressing my scalp.
Honestly? I believe I can feel my hair growing! It's definitely longer. For many years my hair barely grew more than 1.5" per year. That was a real bummer!
Since January, my hair is 3" longer!
Also, I started eating more protein and taking the nutrient, Biotin as well as Zinc. Whatever it's doing, it's working. If the only side effect is scalp sensations, pretty cool, hmm?

Some other things I have been trying is to use other than shampoo to wash my hair. I've used baking soda, egg, green tea. After using honey, I found it worked the best.

Yes, honey! Yes, dear. Yes, HONEY!!

Honey is so water soluble, mild, nourishing, softening. My hair is very fine textured, so, it needs a gentle cleanse. Honey is just perfect! It also leaves my hair with my own individual pheromone scent. I do rinse my hair with water after a sweaty workout. The honey is also anti-bacterial, so, my hair doesn't smell like sweat, it smells like me. *smile*.

The side effect?
Beautiful, shiny, soft, sweet & clean scented hair!
One, 40 oz bottle of honey costs $9. & lasts 2 months. So, it's also very cost effective. To get the level of softness, shine, health plus clean, for 2 months, a shampoo that does this would be $25 and would only last 1 month. Then, there's the long list of chemicals in the 25 oz bottle of shampoo. Yep, I calculated all of it! For conditioner, if needed, just a little bit of coconut oil or olive oil applied to the ends of my hair then brushed through. Again, with my baby fine textured hair, just a little is enough.
No side effects.

Oh, and guys? The inversion method will work for you, too! Having recommended it to a few guy buddies, it worked for them. It took a bit longer for their hair to grow in in the sparse patches, around 3 months for it to start, yet, it started. YAY!
Should I tell Prince William?

I hope this information helps anyone who wants their hair to come back or wants it to grow longer.

Always, always wish to spread love, always wish to help.

Until next time, be well, be happy. :)

High Value?
or
High Maintenance?

                 Having heard this phrase, high maintenance, tossed around a bit, it caught my attention, caused a few moments of pondering. When I heard the phrase the next time, it felt as if it caught my attention because it wanted me to look into it, to explore a bit to study the meaning. Burning curiosity has been a part of who I am ever since I could consciously remember at around 10 months of age. Yes, I remember back to that early age. Impressed?
Nah!
A natural attribute that many people are born with, or without.

The dictionary definition states this:

High Maintenance; Requiring a lot of work or attention to maintain. An individual who is overly needy, sometimes prone to drama to gain constant attention.

Often, I have heard of this term specifically applied to females, yet, there are many males who it can apply to, as well. I have met several. Needy guys who would get a bit rattled if I didn't answer the phone every time they called.

High maintenance even sounds a bit derogatory, seems to be used a bit too liberally. As in, just because people pronounce another person as high maintenance, only means that it's the thought of that person.
A person who takes care of themselves, mind, body soul, only dependent upon their own resources to do so, is not necessarily "high maintenance."  Taking 1 - 2 hours to get ready to go anywhere is a bit excessive especially if it keeps others waiting or causes others to be late to an event while waiting for the other to get ready. That can even be deemed as selfish & rude.
 A person with a practice of courtesy toward others while still taking care of their own needs might be pronounced as high maintenance. Honestly? I don't think it applies.

Girls who go out in public feeling put together even if they are just going to the gym, have healthy self value, healthy self esteem. Girls who just go anywhere not paying attention to whether their hair is a mess, their clothes are wrinkled, stained. Clothes that are torn, missing buttons or not exactly clean, project an image of undesirability, not only undesirable to guys but also to other girls.

By the same token, guys who take a bit of pride in their appearance project a confidence that is very alluring. They are confident, attractive, secure, have a belief in themselves, it really shows. Yet, could they be called high maintenance?
Nope.

People who take care of themselves are happier, healthier in many ways. I know this as I take care of myself. When I am physically ill (not often) or feeling down about some of life's inevitable setbacks, I don't feel like working out. Sometimes I don't feel like even showering. I know that the way out of feeling low is to still take care of myself, mind, body, spirit. Like a thunder & lightening storm, it's best to keep going until the storm has passed. As difficult as it is. Keep going.

As I've said in other posts, a person must love themselves.

This means to take care of yourself, yet, be courteous to the time of others as well as the time of events.

Be kind to others, love yourself while doing so.

Peace.

How much do you do it?

The more often you do it, it makes you a happier person.
When you do it, it affects everyone and before long, everyone else is doing it right along with you.
It's really, really contagious!
Your day can turn from misery into sunshine while you're doing it!
Most people should do it more often than they do.

Okay, so, you have the point, don't you? Do you? You should do it more every day, then, see how it changes your attitude.
People will remember, with happiness, how much you were doing it, yet, your day and their day will be less joyful if you don't.

What is this simple, magical, transforming force.

A smile.

A smile from the heart, from a positive attitude, from positive thoughts that are allowed to flourish in the mind. Oh, please, please, don't believe me, following like  sheeple.
Test it for yourself.
Before you do that, test it for yourself, I say, again.

If you have a child, a special someone in your life, a brother, a father, a sister or a mother, how do you speak to them?
In your own mind, your own personal thoughts, how do you speak to yourself ?
Hyper critically?
Kindly?
Mean spirited?
Compassionately?

How do you speak to yourself in the privacy of your own thoughts?


Try this.

For just 1 hour or 10 minutes or 1 day, whatever amount of time works for you.
Speak to yourself as you would speak to someone you dearly love.

Try it.

When you do something right, tell yourself, "Good job! You rock!"

Instead of telling yourself, in your mind, how poorly you did or that you're not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough.
STOP
How would you speak to someone you love? Would you encourage them? Console them? Berate them? Criticize them? Tell them that everything will be okay? Be kind to yourself. To be very cliche', you must love yourself to love others also for others to love you.
I want to be loved, maybe it's naïve of me to believe that most people also want to be loved. Do you want to be loved?

Careful, you might start suffering from high self esteem ~ NOT!

This attitude will cause you to smile, more, the more you do it, the more you will see other people doing it in public, maybe doing it even more in private.

Smiling, that is.

*SMILE*

The Last One Part 2

The one prejudice that's illegal, just as offensive, just as wrong, yet is so widely accepted by most people in today's world is ~

______________.

What did you mentally fill the blank with? Did you give this a bit of thought?
Even a little bit?
Hmm?
Did you?
I hope you did.
Giving this a lot of thought would be even better. It would be a step toward greater awareness of this social disease that runs wild throughout a large part of the world.
This does affect every person or will affect every person at some stage, some time during their lifetime.

Ready?
Are you ready?
Ready?
 *smile*

Love to be playful, love to tease, just a little. Oh, only to the point of smiles, laughter, delightful mental stimulation.

Gotcha, I felt you smile. YESSSSSS!

This social malady is the prejudice toward age whether toward older or younger. The problem lies in the outdated attitude that any person cannot accomplish something based upon their chronological age. Whether older or younger.

Personally? Oooo, g-friends getting personal. Ha ha, yupp!

So, personally, I know my chronological age, it's on my drivers license, my birth certificate, my military I.D., just about everything connected with me. So, I'll pose this question for you to ponder, then, I will answer it for myself. Feel free to leave your response in the comments section.

What would you s'pose your age to be if you didn't know it?

Personally, I feel like I'm around 25 - 35.

Still very high energy, positive about life, I feel like I still have my entire life ahead of me. I'm in great health, my body is improving all the time. With every workout, I feel the improvement.
Am very tuned in to my body, mind & spirit. 
Not only this, but people at the gym tell me of the improvements they see, so, it must show. I know my abs are flatter, glutes are more rounded, legs are slimmer, waist is smaller, arms & legs are more toned.

People who don't know my age guess me to be around 35 - 40.

In perception of self, I suppose that would mean I'm not far off the mark. No lines on my face, I take excellent care of my skin, hair, nails.
More importantly than any of this, I try to keep an open mind, open to change, new ideas, new trends. 
Staying open to all possibilities of love, of life, of change.
Used to fear change, now, embracing change is exciting to me!

When I hear of a person saying that people of a certain age whether older or younger, can't do something, it speaks of their ignorance. The attitude that a person is limited based upon their age is a stereotype that is a few decades outdated. Putting people in a glass box limits everyone.

The only time people should be put in a box is when they're dead. Then, I could see a limitation, however, many people still create influence long after death. Marilyn Monroe, Albert Einstein, Princess Diana, Napoleon Bonaparte. Just a few.

People will be born, will pass through stages of life, infancy, toddler, pre-teen, adolescent, adult, etc etc. So, to pre-judge a person, attributing only certain abilities is sheer ignorance. The ignorance is so sheer, it can be seen when someone expresses this attitude toward age.

Most often, the prejudiced or ageist attitude is foisted upon an older person. Assuming that the person doesn't grasp the use of technology of cell phones such as apps, texting, etc. Technology such as iPads, computers in general, the internet.
This is a big mistake.
Many people past the age of 40 grasp the concepts very well. I know this, as I am one of them. I still have the repulsive ageist attitude flung at me.
I  boldly fling that shizz right back!

One of my personal attitudes is that I can learn something from everyone. Whether older or younger, people are people. When conversing with others of any age, I listen, gaining insight.
It benefits me greatly.
Of course, there are some people who fit the stereo type, yet their numbers are shrinking with time. 

People who try to figure me out have a tough time. I don't fit the neat little box they have mentally prepared for a 30-35 year old woman. 
Neither would I fit into any neat glass box. I'm not Snow White.

Who am I?

I'm bits & pieces from all generations plus changing & evolving, improving all the time. I'm a person who defies being figured out, I am meant to be enjoyed in a way I wish.
Seems simple, hmm?
Maybe.
Maybe otherwise.

Whichever you choose, hopefully, you enjoyed this blog entry.

I'm outta here, heading into the future.

If you have an ageist point of view, please leave it behind, then, join me!

It's a fun ride!

The Last One

The "N" word is very much a taboo except for "African American" people who use it freely in various forms. It seems a bit unbalanced, yes, even unfair that everyone else is not allowed to say it. People have lost their job, been severely ostracized, even faced legal action for using the "N" word. It goes without introduction, here. I'd like to keep my blog.

Are you Baptist? Non-Denominational Christian? Generic Christian? LDS? Catholic? Hindu? Muslim? Methodist? Jewish? Messianic Jewish? Pagan? Presbyterian? Quaker?
Oh, I'm sure I missed a few.
It's illegal to speak in any terms, much less derogatory terms about any religion or religious group. If you do, you'll face the repercussions of it on a scale from mild reprimand to a stiff judicially imposed fine.

The whole LGBT fuss going on.....not going to even go there.

Most people have seen the whole fat shaming, body shaming ruckus unless you have been under a rock or living in Iraq.
Although people do know or should know the damage of being too thin or obese, better not talk about it, it's illegal. Oh my!

There's a feeling of everything is okay to do and be as long as what you're doing or being is *politically correct. Even when, as people, PC screams at us that something is not correct.
Correct for whom?
Correct for correctness's sake for what is correct for an individual or a group of individuals.
Those that adhere mostly to tradition, must accept, smile, submit.
Yes, submit.
UGH!

The one prejudice that's illegal, just as offensive, just as wrong, yet is so widely accepted by most people in todays world is ~

(fill in the blank)  ______________.

Stay tuned.
*smile*

I Come to You


I come to you as a fleeting thought during your day
As the memory of it all when you kneel to pray

I come to you in the loneliness of a sleepless night
Although you put up walls in a futile fight

I come to you

I come to you when the endless number of women are gone
When the bed smells of sweat in the sheets they laid upon

Their charms fell short of what you so eagerly expected
You think about the heart of the special one you neglected

I come to you

I come to you when you're relaxing when your mind is free
You think of how I hurt you and you think of how you hurt me

Remembering the sweet times of the laughter and of the tears
How I held your body your heart how I calmed your fears

I come to you

I come to you so softly on the battlefield of your mind
My laugh my smile the sweet love you thought you left behind

I'm still with you wherever you are though it was long ago
You still remember me and my heart longs for you to know

You come to me

*************************************************

~ Brenda ~

SEX!!!!

Yes, you read that simple word correctly, my dears.

It's everywhere!

It's even on the cereal boxes of the innocent breakfasts fed to children every morning. The innocent Disney princesses all have had boob enlargement. Their innocent faces have more makeup, fuller lips, all to make them "sexy"!

UGH!

I truly believe that the cattle who provide us with thick juicy steaks & burgers, milk for that sexy cereal, cheese to go on that burger, etc, are flooded with hormones. Even the chickens eaten almost daily, their eggs, all have hyped up hormones in them.
Unless a person shells out the extra cash to pay for the hormone free animal products, they, themselves will willingly consume the hormones.
Oh, yeah, you can go vegetarian, or vegan. You can, if you wish.

Not this chick!

I love my spinach, my daily avocado, my lemon juice in the morning, my free enjoyment of bananas, oranges & papayas.
When it's available, I won't turn a juicy steak away! When it comes to my table all tender, glistening with butter & meat juices, smelling so delicious.....at that moment? My mind is on getting that first bite. Savoring each chew of the grilled flavor burst, the oralgasms from the anticipation, then the arrival of meat!!!!

My mouth is savoring the moment, forgetting about inhumane treatment, hormone infused cattle. It's just pure bliss.

In the past few years, as I have become ever more vigilant of what I'm putting in my body, the hormones in my food. The fluoride in my water, toothpaste. The toxicity of meds, over the counter or prescribed.
With the chronic insomnia of the past 10 years, I choose the lesser of 2 evils by taking an over the counter sleep aid. It's either take a sleep aid or go 72 hour periods with no sleep. Melatonin doesn't work, for me.

Back to sex!

Sex has become so common in todays world. It's lost it's sacred nature. People take it for granted so much. Many people feel that it's just a given as part of dating.

Not this chick.

I loved it, too. Then, I realized that if I continued to love it so much, to want it so much, it gave the would be grantors of it, so much control over me. No bueno.

The solution?

Stop wanting it.

In it's place, working out! Intense, burning, sweating, muscle building workouts. When one diverts from one activity, it's wise, yes, almost necessary to replace it with another. Definitely prevents relapse into the former.

So, I hit the gym for long periods of time. Self improvement beats the hell out of remaining open to predators. Married males looking for a "side squeeze", single males aka sperm spreaders.

Again, not this chick!

Sex is wonderful, beautiful, life enhancing, yet, it's used for the darker purposes all too often. The predators who view it as casually as they view going out for a burger or a steak. Eat her up, chew her to pieces, swallow her, take a shit & she's lying there, in pieces with a stinky aroma of a shattered heart from all of the lies. Left to put her heart, her mind, her soul back together on her own.

If she even can.

For these reasons, I work out hard, have become abstinent.

Maybe, someday, someone truly sincere will come into my life, who views women as more than 3 holes for his gratification.
Who will look at my boobs, butt, light green eyes, still see me as a person with a personality, a great sense of humor, an intelligent mind. He will exercise self control, refrain from eating the frosting off the cake, he will realize that the main substance combined with the frosting, the total package is more fulfilling than anything.

Maybe

Just maybe

Peace out

Back in the Rhythm

or

A Tale of Stitch Lust

People who have known me a long time, who know me well, love my needlework talent. All of them expressed to me their sadness at hearing of my lack of ability to concentrate following the divorce.
He was abusive, I wanted out. I would have cut my arms off to get out of the marriage if I had to. So, although I initiated it, I paid out of my own pocket, I kept offering ex huzz ways to avoid a divorce. They involved us both changing to make life better for both of us.
Nope, he told me that I was the one with all the problems.
Alrighty then, skippy.
Although I didn't want it, it was the only healthy solution. For 7 years it was a struggle to stitch or to even read a whole book!

I have tried to stitch over this long "dry spell", yet, the stress of events that took place, disturbed my soul.
Many times I would pick up a project, get the rhythm of the needle only to realize that I had screwed it up with the wrong placement of stitches. For someone who is as accomplished as a stitcher as I am, that's a huge stress & a disappointment. So, I started getting into fitness, deeper, deeper, deeper. I began a Yoga practice in 2009. It was the "gateway" to Pilates & strength training.
Due to many traumatic events, I started going to every Yoga class I could go to, started a 1 hour Yoga practice every morning to start my day. It kept me from self harm, yet, my concentration, my deep focus that the intricate needlework I loved for so many years, required, still eluded me.

One day I found out about a 13 week Divorce Recovery class that I had heard was a tremendous help to others. Maybe THIS would provide the healing? The peace of mind I needed?

To condense it, yeah, it helped. I went through that 13 week class 5 times. 3 times in Colorado, then, my heart was broken so badly in 2012. I had stopped eating or sleeping. I found this same healing class, went through the course, 2 times in Texas.

It helped.

Maybe I simply needed time. Maybe it took seeing a sweet, simple needlework pattern that was so beautiful in its' simplicity, I was inspired.

Candy Cane Snowflake by Just Nan designs.

"In the rhythm of the needle there is music for the soul."
"Silver needle, silken thread, followed where my fingers led."
- Nan Caldera of Just Nan Designs

That's what it's called. Candy Cane Snowflake. I saw a stitched photo of this on Pinterest, yet, no pattern, anywhere. I lusted after this design for several months. I just, well, I WANTED IT LUSTFULLY!

I posted on a Facebook page that I was looking for it.

Heh heh

Ask and ye shall receive! One stitcher who I had messaged with as well as spoken with on the phone, let me know she had it.
Multiple stitch-gasms!

I waited and, this stitcher, this oh so kind woman, sent the pattern to me! I was out of my mind happy, happy, happy!

I just finished stitching it on cream colored fabric, however, with the bright white, the deep reds, the vibrant green, I started stitching the same pattern on pewter grey. It will make all of the fore mentioned colors just *pop* Yepp!

I'm stitching ~ again! I did mess up a bit when I began stitching the first one. I caught the mistakes right away! Gotta tell you, the photos of this design on Pinterest fall short. It's so very beautiful in real life. The contrast of the colors, the richness of the blends, the striped beads. OH! The striped beads! They just add to the beauty.

I keep my friends a long time as long as they wish to be kept. Yesterday one of my dearest friends, have known her since 10th grade, phoned me. When I told her I was finally able to focus again, she was so happy for me. She told me that she still has the beautiful stitched pieces that I did for her. She remarked that she had kept everything!

Yupp!

Back in the saddle, again!

YEEE HAH!

Making it on my own

That's fact.

When divorcing I was told by a few people that I would fall flat on my ass, that I would probably have to marry down for financial support.

HaH!

Would rather not. TYVM! I have tried many different occupations.
Worked for a Government agency (SAIC). Started a catering service which I ran for 5 years until the economy started a crash & burn, had to sell my baby (catering service) to avoid filing bankruptcy. Worked at a couple minimum wage jobs (ugh!) after that. Answered an advertisement in a newspaper, worked as an Executive Assistant until, one day, I was in a car accident with an illegal Mexican citizen. I speak very fluent Spanish. He didn't speak much English. He begged me not to call the police. We called his daughter who arrived immediately.
She wanted to fix my car as long as I didn't report her father. I struck a deal with her. She had to fix my car. She had to get her father naturalized so that he was legally in the USA. Then, she had to let me teach him to speak English.
He was a fast learner. In 2 months he was speaking, reading & writing English. He referred me to other Hispanic people who were in the USA legally, yet, had never learned English.
It was quite rewarding, quite amazing!

Most of my clientele were Hispanic. There were a few ESL students who were German, a couple of French students. One was a precious, sweet 21 yr old Japanese girl who was in the USA to promote, monitor & manage her fathers company. She spoke decent English, yet, some pronunciations escaped her. She had a sporadic schedule, so, she paid me very well to be my only student. I was on call. Kinda different, yet, I made it work!

When I moved to Texas & things fell apart, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I only knew *one* person & he was happy to have me completely depend on him. That's not my style.
I started document translation & interpretation in mid 2012.
Also did a few other things for income, I was going to make it!

Document translation & interpretation is something I can do from home, online, only going in for a meeting in Dallas once per year. It sounds ideal. I guess so.

My personal definition of document translation & interpretation?
Going on a daily 600 mile road trip, 50 feet at a time.

Yupp.

Tedious, time consuming, yet, it pays. It has its' slow down periods, then very rapid turnaround. It's what I have, far from a dream job. Definitely keeps my language skills sharp!

A few months ago, I found a way to cut down on my clutter, making a bit of extra $$ at the same time. For many years I designed needlework, taught needlework, stitched for enjoyment.
Fitness is my main focus, now.
Selling off needlework patterns, fabric & accessories is giving me the freedom to clear space, cut down on "stuff". it will be easier when I move the next time.

Ex-Huzz as well as other nay-sayers will have to live with being wrong.
All of them underestimated me. They allowed their insecurities in the form of negative assessment of my abilities, to come out through their mouths.

HAH!
WRONG!

I am a survivor. A loving sweet girl, who is also a fighter. Loving to fight is unlike me, however, I will fight for who as well as what I love.
Right now?
I love fitness!
I'm a WILF!  :)
Oh, I still do needlework occasionally. Less than I used to.

Feeling my body become stronger & leaner is awesome.

Who do you love?
What do you love?
What are you passionate about?
Do you indulge in it daily? weekly? monthly?
You should.

Just some of my passions;

FITNESS!
Natural living
Psychology
History studies
Juicing (the fruit & veggie kind, not 'roids!)
Needlework
Volunteer work
Helping others
Organizing
Foreign Language Study
Traveling
Cultural studies

**********************************************

That's the short list.

Follow your passions!

Do what you love!

Peace

What are you made of?

Where are you from? Do you know? Do you know your heritage? Do you know your genetic contents? Do you know where you're from and why you look like you do, possibly why you have certain quirks, actions, thought processes?

There are many factors such as DNA combinations, learned behaviors, life experiences plus, I'm sure, much more. I'm a simple woman with very little academic education. Very diverse life experience. Having traveled the world quite a bit, keeping myself open to new experiences, always, it has benefitted me, greatly.

Learned how to grow anything from my fathers acres long garden in the summers. Have walked through the Alamo in Texas, witnessed the landing of the space shuttles up close, was all over the Hawai'ian Islands for a total of 5 years. Realizing I had a gift for languages, when living in Europe was very fun! I would drive from Germany to France to the antique markets. While there, I would converse in French with a vendor, bargain with another in German, answer a question from people I was there with in English, then turn to an Italian person when they asked a question of me.
In my mind, I "clicked" between languages just as many people in Europe do. The people in Europe were very surprised to see an American doing this. It was as natural to me as walking, just as easy. I'm really really GOOD at walking! Ha ha!
This very natural European trait made me wonder about this ability. In Europe, it's very common for people to speak 5 - 12 languages. Not very common for native USA residents to speak more than 3.

I had always been curious as to why I had strawberry blonde hair, light green eyes, the desire to get out there exploring the world while my other 5 siblings stuck mainly to the state of Michigan. My coloring is considerably different from my 4 siblings. I know my eldest sister had a different father, yet, my 1 sister (deceased) as well as my 3 brothers all had the same mother & father as I did.

My mother was 5' 9", had gorgeous natural bright red hair, large, soulful brown eyes. Her mother was 100% German. Her father was a mixture of English, Irish & Scottish.

My father had dark black hair, light gray eyes, only around 5'4". He was almost 100% Native American, a very slight amount of English.

Throughout my life, whenever I have to fill out any official form which asks for race or ethnicity, I have longed to tick the Native American box. With no tribal affiliation, with my coloring, I know it wouldn't be possible. When ticking the "Caucasian" or "White" box, I always felt a twinge of self betrayal.

My paternal great grandparents escaped from a NA Reservation, they then hid in the mountains of West Virginia. They were so scared of being found, of being forced back onto the Indian reservation, that their children would be taken from them to try to educate their NA culture out of them. My great grandparents taught their children to hide whenever any government officials were up on the mountain. My NA grandparents taught their children, one of whom was my father, also to hide from people who might see them to take them away. There was also a prejudice against NAs. They were regarded as dirty, criminal, alcoholics.
This hatred of Native Americans caused a doctor to argue with my mother & father in a hospital elevator while my mother was in labor. The doctor didn't want a 1/2 NA child to be born in
"his hospital". While they were arguing, I was born in the elevator.

For these reasons, my father was afraid to have tribal affiliation.

I tried for 3 years to get a certificate of Indian blood from the BIA -Bureau of Indian Affairs. I couldn't get them to approve it so that I could seek tribal affiliation.

I feel the Native American spirit in my being, my soul, my blood. I have also felt the connection with all things Scottish & Irish.
Sorry, my English friends! I love you, I know how this would make you feel, yet, being true to myself is important.

Now that genetic testing is more affordable than ever, I had an opportunity to have my DNA determined. It confirmed what I already felt, yet, the confirmation was somehow comforting. It involved swabbing the inside of my mouth with a long medical swab, mailing it in, in a sterile container, then...waiting.

Seven weeks later, I received my results from connectmyDNA.com

Yeah, yeah, kinda cheesy web site name, yet, whether it can be believed or not, I feel that the result was fairly accurate.

The result?

Mostly Native American, some Irish, some Scottish, a smaller amount of German.

My fathers' mother was a Native American Shaman, a healer. Although I didn't have much of a relationship with my father or his parents, the NA connection I feel has only become stronger with time.

When I went to South Dakota, in 2009, the NA spirit was so strong, there, it had a very deep effect on me. Walking through the Crazy Horse museum, I was moved to tears, realizing that these people could very well be my ancestors. Knowing that many of them actually were!
From genealogy research, I know that, through my father, my blood lines go back through Chief Sitting Bull. Chief Sitting Bull was not his name but an adaptation that whites gave him for their own convenience to be able to pronounce it.
I cried bitter tears for the hardships my ancestors endured. It was a relief to leave South Dakota. The feeling of oppression I had felt while I was there was so dark, so heavy, it weighed my heart down.

When I traveled to Scotland in 2007, it was very mesmerizing. The bright green, the beautiful accents. Though the Scots were speaking English, I did have to pay close attention to understand what they were saying. Scottish guys are so masculine!
WOW! LOVED THAT!
Although I don't have this, all 4 of my kiddos have the telltale widows peak along their forehead hairline. A definitive sign of Scottish heritage. Marilyn Monroe had this. It gives a female the appearance of a heart shaped face.
To me, on a guy? It just looks sexy as can be!!! rrrrrrrrr
I feel a connection to people with Scottish heritage, yet, stronger with Native American people.

It's my hope to go to Ireland, specifically, County Cork, some day. It would be interesting, to do a bit of genealogy investigation into my Irish heritage.

So, with the information of my DNA analysis, it explains a lot of personal characteristics which I have that my siblings differ from me upon. I have very scant body hair except on my head. I also have incredible intuition, possibly from my Shaman grandmother?
Maybe it also explains my determined attitude, why I'm such a fighter, possibly learned behavior plays a part in that. I'm not in contact with my brothers, very little with my 1 living sister. I love my brothers, I love my sister very much. I reached out several times before giving up. Once in a great while my beloved sister will phone me. We grew apart when I left Michigan to serve in the USAF. It would be interesting to see their genetic makeup.

Maybe, some day!

Stay tuned.