People say it's just life. We are born we live our lives, then, we die. It's easy to say this until the death of someone you love touches you. Having always taken the tenderness of the pain in people's hearts seriously, it makes me happy that I have.
Pain is pain
Grief is pain
Loss is pain
Emotional hurt is pain
When each of my children stuck it to me, telling me what I did when they were children that hurt them. I took into consideration that this was pain, their own private pain whether I remembered differently or not.
It mattered far less who was right or who was wrong.
It hurt me deeply that all of my sacrifice, work, time, sleepless nights, love, care were not acknowledged near as much or not commensurate with the harm they say I caused. Just this cult like thingy that many adult children have hopped on the bandwagon of.
I had pain that they had also caused in me.
I say sincerely, it was important to push my own pain aside, acknowledge my adult children's pain, apologize to them for pain that they say I caused. Because their own pain needed healing & I love them dearly, so, I apologized over & over when they told me of their pain. This went on for over 5 years until I finally let them know that I had apologized so many times so that they could heal, move on from it. It was time for them to heal, move on from it.
If a wound is to heal you must stop touching it.
If you know that your parent(s) had a terrible childhood, show some decency, some compassion. Show the compassion you hope your own children show you when they persecute you for all that they say you did wrong. Whether you meant to or not. Whether you remember it the way they do or not. It often happens full circle.
Right now, I'm going through some gunk that will take time to heal from. Some people have suggested going to a counselor.
Having had exactly one counselor do some good for me out of the nine I have gone to over the years. The others only harmed me.
The last counselor I went to violated ethics by lying to me, probably thinking I was clueless enough to not know what was done. That hurt even more than the pain I was seeking counseling for.
I'm intelligent enough to figure it out.
Have to deal with this, myself.
When I talk to a couple of friends, it feels like I'm over-burdening them. Saying a "couple" I mean there are only two.
Learning to take care of things on my own, it's impossible for me to trust anyone else. After so much hurt, so much betrayal that eroded my ability to trust.
There were six children in my original family. With my brothers passing on May 10 2026, now, there are three of us left.
Ironically or maybe not, we are the ones who never smoked. Barely touched alcohol or not at all. Hmm.
Now, the youngest of us, the eldest sibling & I remain.
Blogging or really any writing helps with the grief. It has to take the place of going to a counselor. Whether healing quicker or slower, it is what I have.
Since my brother's death it feels like I have been floating between tears then sadness then feeling numb then tears again. Repeat.
It's only been 4 days, so, still fresh.
If I were a drinker or other substance user I would be living in a haze.
If I hadn't eliminated excess sugar from what I eat, I would be close to the bottom of a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
Letting myself indulge away in doing needlework is my band aid. When I was in Utah recently, I found that a store sold Vernors. Since living in Texas, I have ordered it from Amazon. A bit pricey, I can handle it, so, it was worth it, all good. Vernors is a ginger ale that is a standout from any other ginger ale.
It's from Michigan, like me.
It's a comfort item. As a child, mom had hot Vernors for us when it was cold outside. If we had been ice skating or sledding or after trick or treating, hot Vernors warmed us up every time.
In the hot, humid Michigan summers we had what was called a Boston Cooler. Ice cold Vernors with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.
YUM!
Having my Vernors (without the ice cream) is a comfort to me as I mourn the loss of my brother. Since I received an eviction notice by text from a coward I rent from, I have to prepare to move.
The cherry on top is the loss of income from the career I loved.
This shall pass. It will pass like a kidney stone, still, it will pass.
So happy that I have such a great dog. PJ is such a comfort to me. He seems to know I'm going through some stuff. He is a clingy dog, which I love. He has been more of a Velcro pup lately. Love it.
Since I can't sleep due to all of the upheaval, I'm getting things done that need to be done. It's just me & PJ here, when I break down in sobs there is no public spectacle.
Crying in public is so embarrassing.
It doesn't matter what the reason is. It's just tacky.
That's way too much attention for me when strangers show sympathy or just gawk. Having never been the drama queen, never wanted the overkill attention. People used to tell me I'm pretty or beautiful or some such.
Now that I have PJ, people tell me my dog is beautiful, I like that so much better. Being complimented by people I don't know made me feel like a hunted prey or like they were just buttering me up to try to sell something to me or get something from me.
Deep in my being, I feel things changing.
Being more of a spiritual person than a religious one, it seems that I feel more than most people, feel it deeper than others. Being keenly aware of spiritual presences, entities around me, I feel it.
Those who don't believe it, have never experienced it or grav toward the SNL Church lady are secure in denial of spiritual truth.
For centuries, different cultures rotated between persecuting those with knowledge of spiritual things to executing them. Most people are familiar with the Salem Witch Trials in the early USA days.
The 1692 Pendle Witch Trials in Great Britain.
Those who were persecuted, executed or ostracized set up the modern-day fear of being thought of as different or weird.
Modern attitudes toward spirituality aren't carried in "magic genetics". They survive as psychological traits shaped by our evolutionary history. Humans have evolved innate cognitive mechanisms to guard against people who think, talk, believe differently.
That's me.
For these reasons, remaining single, unattached with only a very small number of people who I confide in. Even with them, sometimes, it's necessary to hold back so as not to overburden.
Anyone who wishes to unlock the spiritual side of themselves, here is a list of books to start. Remember that the words & information are very revealing, powerful, will change you forever.
You have been told.
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck
The Master Key System
The Kybalion
Outsmarting Reality
Propaganda by Edward Bernays
Read People Like A Book by Patrick King
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