Doors

Open the doors to your heart
Open the doors to your mind
Amazement well apart
From that which you thought you might find

For the doors of the heart are so fragile

Weaker than those of the mind

Leaping opened quite agile

Leaving good sense behind

The luxury of falling so blind

Is only for the strong 

Sensibilities left behind

Whether right or wrong

It's the truly fortunate ones

Who find that love so true

Worth risking the long runs

On a few fragile "I love you's"

Promises, Promises

Some people love cardio.
Some people hate cardio.

I'm speaking of the heart pounding, sweat producing, driving, energy sucking, joie de vivre feeling of going hard for as long as a body can go!

Cardio, oh cardio, I love ye, I love ye!

People who know me will hear me say how much I love cardio. Tread, stairmaster, elliptical, stationary bike. Love all of it!

Love the first sweat that starts within 3 minutes. Love the ensuing sweat that soaks me from shoulders to knees.

It's a somewhat personal bit of info, so, I will tell if asked, mostly I keep it to myself.

An element which fuels love for cardio is this feeling of having learned to be totally inside my head during cardio. So totally inside my head that in my thinking, I am only a head on a body during cardio.
The body is a separate entity, doing the work.

The head? The mind?

It's receiving messages, inspiration, encouragement.

You can call the source of these messages whatever you like.

Since I started this fitness journey in 2004, I have received this message while engaged in cardio:

"Keep going, you can do this. Keep going, all shall be restored to you. Keep going, everything you need, all that you want will come to you if you keep going! So, keep going!"

This still, small, quiet while authoritative inner voice has spoken to me during my entire life. Mostly, I listen to it.

For this reason, in times of sadness, in times of a lack of motivation (very rare), in times of physical maladies ~ I keep going.

It IS happening. It's important to keep doing the work. 

Things are coming to me.

Good things are happening for me.

I keep going!

Affairs of The Heart

What do you think it is that makes a person into a soft hearted one? Are they born that way? 
Does life experience make them that way?

Maybe one, the other or a combo in differing percentages of both.

Maybe.

This is less searching for the answer, more like simple human curiosity.

Curiosity about all aspects of life are part of my basic character. When someone or something catches my attention, it feels as if whoever or whatever it is, is calling out to me. 

Come to me, find out why!

As much as possible, I do!

It's pretty much inevitable that when I investigate, there will sometimes be suffering.

This is a tough one for me.

People have told me that I have an almost masculine approach. When I find something that's broken, I feel a need to fix it. When someone tells me a problem they are having, it stirs me to try to help. Just listening is far from enough.

When  witnessing suffering, it stirs my heart into action, the body follows, the mind tags along with the other 2.

Being a sensitive, caring, empathetic intuitive can  be dangerous.

There are people who are readily willing to take full advantage of people who are kind.

Learning to rein it in has been a life lesson forged from trial & error, though, mostly error.

Painful error.

Life altering error.

Error that was a teacher.

Error to promote personal growth.

Soothing the pain, shaking the dirt off, remembering the lesson

This is the anatomy of the affairs of my heart.

Lessons for the mind.

*1* Unhealthy Habit Disappearing, Maybe 200 More to Go!

If you have read previous blog posts, you might be able to relate.

Are you tracking?

Well, dammit! Why not? 

Just playin'.

For too many years, I had a nasty habit of picking at the cuticles, the skin around my fingernails. 

Peeps, it was bad!

Bandaging my fingertips during the day with Neosporin helped, yet, during sleep, yeah. UGH! Waking up with bleeding fingers was awful.

It was ugly.

It was pain filled.

It was embarrassing.

Getting professional manicures was a 3 day at most, temp fix! Akin to putting a band aid on a 10 inch gut incision.

Yupp.

There was a deeper problem. It was about anxiety, fear, uncertainty.

Putting any number of reasons why were futile. As 2017 was nearing 2018, the decision that it was time to quit was key. 

Unhealthy habits are tough to break.

In 2017, it was time to gather some resolve!

It's working!

As I work with this awesome PT to improve health while improving physical appearance, it's also doing great things to quell anxiety, fear, general uncertainty.

Something more that is helping is to realize that I have to wrap my fingertips at night before bed, then, slightly less than before, during the day.

It may seem that this is a much smaller issue than it actually is, that there are people in the world starving, homeless, being abused plus even worse. Every person has to do what works for them. As long as they are doing right by others as well as themselves, it's okay.

Solving world peace, world hunger, it's out of my reach. Doing good within the town I live in is possible, so, that's what I do.

The air travel industry has the right idea when telling people to put their own oxygen mask on before helping others.

People must take care of themselves so that they can help others.

Each must take personal responsibility for themselves as much as possible. Having peace in your own heart, you can set an example of peace for others. Self sufficiency with personal accountability lends harmony to the home. Whether living alone or with others.

Charity begins at home.

How do you do it?

   

                                                                                                Tonight, I received a shocking bit of information. A guy told me that my lack of trust in males was obvious in my social media posts.
Hmm.
Although I won't discount an observation that was said out of love, friendship, concern it was a bit of a shock.

When a child is beaten as well as treated with cruelty by adults, they learn to be suspicious of adults. 

When a person only receives injustice from a corrupt justice system, it's understandable that they would mistrust authority figures.

It would be moot to continue.

The picture is crystal.

Nearly every male I have ever allowed to get close to me has either hurt me physically or emotionally or both. 

So, how does a girl who has experienced the level of betrayal, lies, pain, plus worse, from males, how can she trust males?

In the horror of the dating climate that is today's world where married males think it's okay to go outside of their marriage whether their wife consents or not, it's terribly painful.

With online dating sites as well as apps where guys troll for sex, record it then pass it around, even sometimes post it online, it's difficult to trust.

In the social climate where many males have no problem with a steady diet of casual sex, hook ups, using girls for their bodies, it's a dangerous minefield.

It's a very selfish, destructive way to treat fellow human beings.

For the first 5 years after my long marriage to an abusive male ended in a divorce that I wanted, even paid for (financially as well as other ways, I really believed that there would be at least ONE decent single guy who I would be able to find some connection, commonalities with.

After 5 years of the above mentioned predators trying to fool me with their methods of deception, bait & switch, charming lies, I had nearly had it.

In 2012, giving it one more chance,  I really thought I had found him. He asked, so, I told him that I felt he was worth the risk, one last time.

The one who seemed to be a knight in shining armor, turned out to be an idiot in cheap tinfoil.

The emotional pain left me crying and hurting badly, wishing to die for almost 2 years.

An intelligent person learns that if you stick your hand in fire, it only causes pain, causes harm.

Risking your heart, your vulnerability, then getting burned, over then over again. Risk. Repeat. Risk. Repeat.

A person learns that trusting those similar to the ones who only brought pain, disappointment plus much worse, repeatedly, trusting them is self inflicted damage.

I gave it 5 years before deciding it was no longer worth the risk. It was then that I turned to fitness, something that works while delivering greater health, fulfillment, success!
I can trust my workouts to make me feel good, make me feel happy, fulfilled, healthy, safe.

Having stopped dating much at all while I still feel that there are good men in the world who see girls as fellow human beings, yet, I'm still cautious around guys. Having learned that the way to keep myself safe, mind, body & spirit, is to keep my guard up, I guard my heart closely. Guarding my heart includes those overly needy, predatory girls who use others ~ male & female ~ for whatever they can get.

Guys ~ I'm aware that there are females that hurt guys without caring, however, I'm completely straight, so, I stay on one team. Can only speak from the heart of a girl who had such faith that there are more decent guys out there than there actually are.

There are truly wonderful single guys out there.

It was my misfortune to only meet players, liars, cheaters.

(Sorry! Copy & paste this link for some great advice!)
https://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/04/30/hookinguprealities/how-to-make-sure-you-dont-fall-for-a-player/

I stopped dating while I still love guys, while I still believe there are good ones in the world.

How does someone who has been hurt so many times that they lose the ability to trust, learn to trust again?
How do you do it?

The answer eludes me.

Series of Unfortunate Events

Coming out in my vulnerability
Seeing you in your nakedness
A face of past hurts
Covered up with sheer finesse
Still, I saw you
You saw me

In the shaky world of self hiding
We were so visible it hurt
Still you complimented me
I returned your flirt
We began our dance

The chemistry was white hot
It burned then it cooled
It seemed that we two 
Were only passion fooled
It ended as fast as it started

Story old as time

Reset

Repeat

Update

If you care to know or even if you don't, here it is!

Obviously, if you care to know you are still reading!

Whilst this may seem micro to many, it has been HUGE to me, for so long. A pesky habit I have had for, let's just say, many years. Remembering why it started, not telling!

However, I will tell you my progress in ridding myself of such an ugly, pervasive habit.

Have never been a ~

- Cigarette smoking or tobacco addiction

- Excessive alcohol consumption

- Excessive sugar consumption

- Excessive spending $$$$

One habit shy of being Mary Poppins perfect!
Just playing!

It's important for a person to take care of themselves. It's important to myself, to go a step or two further.

Mani, pedi, facial & skin care, etc.

Yupp.

I'm having success in curing myself of picking at the skin on my finger cuticles. Started taking Biosil & Natures Bounty Hair Skin & Nails Gummies, July 2017 to help with nail strength. It's working!
At night, I wrap the fingertips in med tape or bandaids with a small dab of coconut oil or olive oil. It's helping!

All that was needed was the desire to stop this ugly habit.

Part of why I started was from anxiety as my marriage was falling apart. That's how long I have been doing it. 

Oh, my fingers would look very pretty for 2 - 3 days after a manicure. Then........the picking would start again. 

Within 4 days after a manicure they would be dry & bleeding again!

This would repeat.

Many fortuitous events have taken place so that I decided that 2018 would be the year I stop this insidious habit.

So far, so good! I think that wrapping my fingertips before beddy bye time definitely helps.

If I keep improving with NO PICKING at all, I'm going to treat myself to a pro manicure on Friday.

Keeping my un-picked fingers crossed!

Wish me well, peeps, yeah, I really do need it.

Thinking, Feeling, Caring

Some can call this drama. 

In truth?

I call it reality.

Well, my reality, anywho!

Being one who is analytical, feels life deeply, cares with a whole pure heart. It's a bit tricky at times. Most often, it's worth it!

Then, there is the occasional time it sux.

Thinking very deeply. people often will say that I "overthink".

Being a feeling person? Feeling it deeply. Oh yeah. My feelers do a great job at effing me over from time to time. Less in present day.

Caring?

Yes. It's in my nature to care. Caring about, well, everything! Caring with a whole heart. Caring about people.

Caring about everything. Especially those who others feel that they feel less than motivated to care about

Caring for those who many have given up on.

Giving those who feel unlovable, lots of love!

Needing to have others care is a human aspect.

If you wish to know if you're human, if you are worthy of love?

Ask me, I will tell you true !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something Beautiful

Feeling my heart beat inside my chest
Whether awake or at rest 
Lets me know I'm truly alive

The scents I smell the sounds I hear

Tells me other living things are near

So much life around me

Sunshine warms my face my skin

Delights from the warmth warming within

Loving the happy sensation

The singsong of a small child's voice

So full of great promise and of choice

Gives a great deal of hope in the world

There will always be the presence of death of birth

As everything springs from a mother then returns to earth

It's natural it's beautiful

These are all the elements of this life we're living

All this taking with all of this giving

I think it's all something beautiful

The Ring Legacy ~ this may or may not be precisely what you think.

What are some of your childhood memories?

Most of us have many childhood memories, some are mostly the warm fuzzy type some are a mixture of warm fuzzy with a sprinkling of cold prickles. 

As a child I was quite sensitive. My feelings were much more tender than now, YAY FOR THAT! I had tender feelings toward butterflies, people, animals, even snakes & frogs. My older brother would go to the ponds, streams & ditches to catch big frogs, kill them, cut their legs off to eat them.

They really do taste like chicken!

My brother asked me to come with him to go "froggin" on a spring day in Michigan. He would hold the frog as he told me,

"They're just frogs, they don't feel it, stab the knife in fast & hard!"

So, I did it.

Over & over, that day.

I felt so horrible after that, I never went froggin' again!

That feeling hung on my heart for a long time. As much as I wanted to spend time with my big bubby, I was too tender to kill frogs. 

Too tender to hurt or to kill.

USAF training helped me a little with that one! 

My dear maternal grandfather was also a tender hearted man, loved him so very much! He taught the importance of keeping promises to me from the time I was born!

Unfortunately, my mother, his daughter, didn't absorb that lesson enough to put it into practice.

Mom made many promises, kept very few.

Her negative example taught even more of an important lesson to me to only make promises I could keep. 

Say what you will do, then do what you said you would do. Be where you say you will be WHEN you say you will be there or have a VERY TRUTHFUL reason & let the ones expecting you, know.

This is a lesson taught to me by my beloved grandfather.

Mom liked looking at the jewelry in the glass case at the department stores. When I was with her, from the time I was a very small child, she would point out the ruby & gold birthstone rings to me. She would tell me that when I had my 16th birthday, she would give me one of those rings. With the faith, with the innocence of a child, I believed her. I looked forward to it.

It was one of the many promises she made, never honored. 

There is no way to go back in time to heal that wound of many wounds. Even if I received or bought my own ruby ring in present day, it would matter less.

There is a happiness factor to this.

Devising a plan to not only delight my own children, while healing my own pain in a roundabout way was genius, if I do say so, myself !

When my own children were around 18 months of age, I took them, one by one, to the jewelry counter, to choose a birthstone ring. Holding onto it in my jewelry box, they were allowed to pick it up, to look at it, yet, not allowed to put it on their finger until their 16th birthday. I could make sure to honour the promise I made to my children & in another way, heal the child within myself.

Did it work?

Yes. It absolutely did!

Addiction

Addiction can mean so many things!

What does an addict look like?

An addicted person is often less obvious than ya might think.

From the strange video culture, the information's available that people can be addicted to so many different substances & behaviors!

The most common addiction which has snaked its insidious ways into every country in the world ~ addiction to a cell phone! Along with that is video game / alter ego program addiction.

These 2 major addictions are a pervasive social cancer.

Video games & over exposure to TV used to be more of a childhood malady.

In todays world where media has become so much more sophisticated, it's affecting people of adult age. The addiction to video games & alter ego programs is affecting families, relationships, diminishing social skills.

Even preventing people from further developing social skills.

~ Guys in their 20s, 30s, 40s and up are so addicted, they are failing as husbands to help their wives. Their addiction has a firm hold.

~ Mothers will either tend to their addiction or innocently start their children on TV, video games, to keep the child occupied.

Wrong move.

Keeping a child occupied while failing to teach them how to self limit themselves does more harm than anything. Without a balance of socializing, this is a set up for addiction that may last a lifetime!

~ VR, alter ego, role playing, are all fine until the addict phase is reached.

Like a delicious snack, just one bite is never enough.

This opine may be unpopular, possibly because it's truth.

This STNG episode is classic foreshadowing.

(Copy & paste if you're curious!)

https://youtu.be/ilIhdTG_UmQ

Moving on, getting real!

Having struggled with addiction, I can say that I understand.

It wasn't mainstream addiction such as cigarettes,

video & role play online, tobacco, alcohol, sex, prescription meds, porn.

Yes, they all have something in common.

These activities interfere with health, relationships & social skills.

My prior addiction(s), you may ask?

You may ask.

Foremost, I was addicted to food. A tough one, for sure.

Food is essential for life, it's everywhere, it's a social activity, it's offered as gifts, turned to for celebration.

It's everywhere, mostly in abundance in the USA!

I ate to fight depression, ate to fight boredom, to celebrate, then, for nutritional needs. With my predisposal to obesity in my genetics, this was a triple threat to my health.

It took time, as curing an ailment does.

Slowly, over time, I re-adjusted my attitude toward food. Fortunately, I also adjusted my attitude toward exercise at the same time. 

So, it began. My recovery from addiction to food. AKA my fitness journey toward losing the weight naturally.

Prior attitude toward food:

" I like it, it makes me feel good so I'm going to eat a lot of it!"

Current attitude?

"I eat because I have to eat, for nutrition. Everything I put in my mouth or the main gateway to my body will either feed future disease or fight future disease. It's a choice."

I tend to follow the 80/20 idea. Eat healthy 80% of the time.

Some of the prior attitude tries to slip in occasionally, mostly, it stays away. Having control over it feels so empowering!

A current "addiction" or maybe it's just an unhealthy habit is picking at my finger cuticles. EW!

I'm working on it!

Slowly, I'm stopping. 

Taking good care of myself, mind, body & spirit is very important to me.

Having attractive feet & attractive hands is part of taking care of myself.

Call it vanity if you wish.

I call it taking care of myself.

Having decided that I was going to stop this disgusting habit, I'm stopping. Little by little. I have to wrap my finger-tips in surgical tape when I go to bed or I will pick my cuticles in my sleep.

Maybe, soon, I can do without surgical tape!

Identifying your own personal unhealthy habits, substances, is the first step!

It's a new year!

GO!