The Price of Peace

During this time in my life, I'm happy to say ~

I have more peace.

Life is imperfect for me as it is with many people. There is very little expectation for it to be perfect. Perfect is over rated. 

If your life is perfect?

Take a long look at yourself, you might be a dog. 

When divorcing in 2007, I found myself completely alone for the first time in my entire life. As a child, I had my parents, siblings, neighbors, extended family, school classmates.

While serving in the USAF, there were room mates, work associates, social events.

After marriage there was the huzz (now he is ex-huzz), then children, fellow church go-ers, military community people.

When I divorced? 

Most people deserted me. 

People who I only thought were friends turned their backs on me. 

The people who had been appointed as guardians of my children, you know, "just in case", they no longer kept in touch. 

My brothers & sister, as well as other extended family didn't reach back when I contacted them. It was 1 way communication.

Only one person out of the hundreds I knew, stuck by me. My dear friend, Janice. She was there for me, she is there for me, now, consistently. My angel friend who supports me with no judgment.

Even my children became estranged from me, for a time. Only my youngest has made consistent effort to show her love & care which I am grateful for. Concentrating on who I do have is healthy.

Life was HARD for me when I was married. Full of turmoil, manipulation, verbal abuse, constant work, constant disappointment, constantly having the proverbial rug jerked from under my feet, over and over. It was easier than when I served in the military, yet, still, being married was difficult for me.

When I moved out, alone, into a place where I lived alone in a 2 BD, 2 BA town home, I had panic attacks. Maybe anxiety attacks are the same thing? I had anxiety attacks to the point of hallucinating, vomiting, being unable to get out of my bed.

It was a rough adjustment for me. 

Then, there was the horror of the single world. The equally horrible world of dating. 

Oh, people expect newly single people to laugh, smile, drink, cavort, acting as if they are having a great time! 

I was a good actress.

It was a terrible time, a deeply painful adjustment to be completely alone for the first time in my entire life. It's something that a person has to experience to know what it's like. I would wish a more positive experience for others.

I had the quiet in my life without the peace for the first 4 years. Too much quiet, in fact. The ring of silence in the air was deafening. Learning how to be single all over again was hard. That's an understatement. The single life had changed in countless ways since I had been single. I was also a different person than who I had been during my early single girl days.

For the first time in many years, I had to face, head-on, the symptoms of the PTSD from the time I served in the military. There was nothing bigger than those issues to divert my attention from it.

Truly, it seemed like it would be easy to just find someone, couple up and start a new life with a new guy, go on with life from there.

If Michael had lived, this may have been the case. Umm, nope. It didn't happen.

As time went on, I felt myself turning back into who I really am, who I was born to be, plus, many improvements. During my marriage I was forced into the mold of what others wanted me to be. Conform to their wishes in order to have peace.

4 years prior to the divorce, I started going to a gym to work out consistently for the first time in my life. Those first workouts began to change my body, yet, more importantly, they began to change my mind. The more I worked out, the more I wanted to work out, the more I worked out because I wanted to, the more steadily I began to change. Mind, body, spirit.

After many painful dating disappointments, I discovered Yoga. I went to Yoga classes 2 - 3 days weekly. This added to my metamorphosis back into who I really am. I felt the same feelings of wonder, of confidence, of serenity, coming back into my life.

6 years post divorce, I left Colorado, a place I was forced to move to by the ex huzz. That was the beginning of the end for me.

I had the worst experiences of my life in Colorado! It was a place which I hated more, the longer I was there.

I was excited to move to Texas!

It was my choice to move to Texas. Things didn't happen as I had thought they would in Texas, yet, maybe they have happened the way they are supposed to happen.

Having given up a lot to turn back into who I really am, it was the price I paid to have peace in my life, in my heart, in my mind.

This is the incomplete list of the price I paid:

Loss of family

Loss of stability

Loss of ability to sleep, fall asleep, stay asleep all night

Loss of community

Loss of identity

Loss of spiritual faith in a higher power

Loss of financial income

Loss of holiday celebrations

Loss of those who I only thought were my friends

Loss of home

This is the incomplete list of what I have gained or gained back:

Deeper understanding 

Personal identity

Sense of self

Physical health

Strength & toned body

FREEDOM!

Deeper compassion

Personal freedom to choose for myself

Financial management skills

Mechanical skills

Personal spiritual faith

I still have the recurring nightmares which is a symptom of PTSD, still, I have difficulty trusting everyone. Hopefully, these will be healed in time along with the occasional anxiety, as well as the workplace anxiety I have experienced in the past.

At the time of this writing, I do feel a deeper, greater peace than I did in 2007.

Possibly, it's because I have worked my way back to having, for the most part, control over my life. Freedom to take action to accomplish that which is important to me without fear of repercussions from those who are supposed to be supportive yet, stab me in the back at most opportunities.

I paid a price to have peace back in my life. For some people, the price may have been too difficult for them to bear.

For me?

The price was definitely high, yet, once I set the wheels into motion to leave an abusive marriage, to gain relative peace of mind, turning back was an option that left the table.

Life is different than I thought it would be. Life is, however, I believe that it is happening the way it's supposed to.

The saying, "All things happen for a reason" is false.

Things happen due to peoples actions or non-actions.

When we choose to do something we also choose not to do something else. (Unknown author of quote)

If given the choice, I will choose that which gives me peace in my heart & mind.

Peace!

*smile*

My Cathartic Book

Many people possess maturity & a savvy knowledge of life at a young age, say, in their teens, early 20s.  Some are still quite immature, even at the age of 25.

I was somewhere in the middle.

It was when I was new to the USAF, barely 19 years of age, newly assigned to Hickam AFB, Hawai'i. I had a deliciously tormenting crush on someone who, as is sometimes said, 

"didn't even know I was alive." 

Or, so, it seemed to me, at the time.

The residual feelings of my crush on him lasted long after I had left Hickam AFB, long after I had married, separated from the military, had 4 children. Even now, it still, very softly lingers.

*******I divorced in 2007 for my own personal reasons.
NOTHING at all to do with my "crush".*************

The best way I can describe it is that I didn't want the crush ~

It wanted me! 

Even when the object of my crush clearly did not. The residual feelings stayed with me a long time.

Originally, I thought I was writing the book manuscript for future publication. 
The beauty of writing the manuscript is that it was more cathartic in helping me to resolve my feelings than it was anything. 
For the most part, it helped. It would have been nice if it quashed every last shred of how I felt.

Presently, I am grateful for what I have. A bittersweet memoir.

I apologize for the poor quality of the book's cover. When you see it, you will realize what I'm apologizing for.

This is only the prologue.

******************************************************

                    ~ Sweet Liberty ~

Coming of Age as an American Servicewoman

Maybe he will recognize himself in these pages of my memoirs; maybe he will shrug it off, explaining it to himself as coincidence. He may never hear of my book. This is not the type of book a man would pick up to read. With the little I knew of him, at least. this is not the kind of book HE would pick up to read.

This is a story of no-closure and unrequited passion. 

I have carried it in my heart, in my mind, it would not leave me. It would torment and tease me, waking me after having crept its' way into my dreams. Just when I thought I had solved the what-ifs and whys, it came to me again and again to cajole me into reliving it all over again. I carried the feeling with me for so long, my thought is that by writing my manuscript I might be able to create for myself, the closure I was denied, then, be at peace.

If he had been a man who sought to use me, treat me unkindly, toss me aside, I could have easily written him off with, 

"What a jerk, I hope he rots!"

He wasn't like that.

He was thoughtful, kind, compassionate, intelligent, humorous, mischievous and so mysterious to me from the beginning.

I had plenty of male attention. Often, too much and not the good kind, either. It was the damaging kind that gives PTSD.

I had a few good guys paying attention to me. If I had wanted, I could have had a date for any occasion that I wished for.

So, why? Why, HIM? 

Why did he intrigue me? It was as if I had radar for him. If he was nearby, I knew it, my heart would begin to pound out of control. My palms would sweat, my knees were jelly. From that place inside my soul that every woman who loves a man of his caliber, knows, it would start. It was a vulnerable trembling and softness in a reaction to his presence which I experienced so powerfully around him.

Was this what it was like to have "chemistry" with someone? If it only goes one way was it still "chemistry"? Did it, in fact, go both ways between us or did he simply feel that I was an annoyance? 

An immature young woman with a crush on the enigma presented by the display of a Pararescue hunk in a flight suit & maroon beret?

I know for a fact that he had a presence like no other I had ever felt before or since. 

It was a raw and wild sexuality kept in check only by military bearing. Rules he had to live by, grueling extensive training, phenomenal life experiences that made him very nearly super-human. Part of the course which all selectees must pass is casually referred to as Superman School. The euphemism fits.

He was so much more than a well trained PJ.

I could tell from observing him that he had his own personal code of conduct that respects the American flag, his mother, the preciousness of the lives he helped to save.

After all, the motto of the Pararescue Squadrons, or the P.J.'s as they are affectionately referred to, is:

"That Others May Live"

Being Real

In a world where nearly everything can be faked, it can be a challenge to be authentic. 

It can be a challenge for some people to be where they say they will be, do as they say they will. 

Even returning a phone call is sometimes difficult for some people who allow themselves to lapse into the pervasive cancer of being a flake. Also sometimes known as "ghosting". Just plain not valuing the other person enough to give them the courtesy of a returned call, a card in the mail, an email, a quick text. A person who is where they say they will be, when they say they will be there. Letting the other(s) know if they are going to be delayed or unable to make it.

With so many communication devices, there is no valid excuse. 

Flaky behaviors?

Ain't nobody got time for that!!!!!

Not me, anyway!

Having a decent amount of challenges, myself, I STILL remain very authentic.      

In a world where the cancer of flakiness is more common, people tend to be skeptical of other people who are very:

real

un-flaky

authentic

down to earth

sincere

caring

Pick your adjective !

Being someone who is who I say I am, keeping my promises & commitments or giving others a heads up when delayed or absolutely have to cancel. It makes me more of a pariah than anything.

Have to simply be who I am. Also be thelemic.

Being thelemic used to be my challenge as having to figure out that I am more caring, more sincere than is common in todays world had not dawned on me quite yet.

Slow learner, ah s'pose! :/

Over time, those people who are flaky, fake, uncaring, tend to drop off my radar. 

Water seeks its own level?

Awhile back, I tried being like the flaky, uncaring people who are so frustrating, annoying, etcetera. It felt horrible.

I actually felt my heart aching from doing things that caused the very uneasiness in other people which had caused me some levels distrust of them in me!

It felt like dark spots were forming on my soul!

William Shakespeare knew that being true to yourself is a higher, better way to be.

Thanks, man!

 

I Wish I could Share!

Out there in the world, everywhere, there are couples. They laugh, share, fight, make babies, get married, buy homes. To someone who is single, it looks as if these "couples" have it all.

Looks can be accurate, looks can also be deceiving.

I hear the lament from my single female compadres a lot. Whereas most guys are only interested in sex, girls are mostly hard wired to be in a relationship.

I would rather be respected by a guy than I would want to be sexually desired. 

Lust is easy to find, real love and caring, not so much.

It's pure torture for so many single girls who see all of the couples out there, while they don't have a guy in their life.

Personally? 

I found my way to a peaceful place in my life wherein I'm happy to be single. I'm fine with cooking for one, going to movies by myself. Doing as I wish, whenever I want to. 

That means that I'm fine without a guy in my life as I would be fine with one. Either way, I'm happy. He wouldn't "complete me", we would be a complement to each other.

The one drawback is that I don't dish out B.S., I also won't tolerate it. 

So, single by choice. 

When I was out there in the dating world, it seemed to me that too many guys are not being taught the honorable way to treat women. 

Hold on, there, cowboy!

I love guys and just about everything about y'all!

I'm a girl, so, I write from a feminine perspective.

Too many guys assume falsely that sexual intercourse is supposed to be a part of dating.

It isn't.

That's why it's called "dating" not "screwing around."

Getting to know each other as people, first, before anything, is so under-rated. Once the heavy make outs start, Pandoras Box is opened. The issues become cloudy, inhibiting the process of getting to know each other. 

Best to remain vertical with clothes on, stay in a lit area where there are other people. Talk, do things together. Work out, go to movies, sit down to dinner with family!

(I LOVE to cook!)

I have it so much easier than many of the single girls I know. Getting my heart shattered in 2012, I decided to give myself the gift of remaining celibate, concentrating on fitness! 

This is how I do, lol!

I enjoy my peaceful life, the yearning to have a man in my life is not there, any longer. I'm not actively looking. Living my life, being happy, exploring the great indoors!

When I hear the anguish, the pain, the frustration of other single girls, who want a guy in their lives so much, I wish I could bottle my attitude for them to ingest.

Take 1 inogivafook tablet by mouth with water as needed.

If this condition of wanting to couple up goes away ~

CONGRATULATIONS!

You're cured!

Welcome to my world!

Get Up!

I fall down sometimes then I get up again
Stronger than I would have been

Falling down is just a part of living
There can be no taking if there is no giving

Simple words simple thoughts they may be
A theme of life though you may disagree

Hills and valleys with many ups many downs
Tears full of sorrow days full of frowns

They give way to times of sunshiny ways
So that we can enjoy the kinder days

I fall down sometimes as do we all 
It's just a blip just a temporary stall

When you feel sad? When you feel hopeless?

GET UP!

I will, so will you!

It's So Hard

Why oh why do people complicate things that are so simple. So naturally straight forward!

The sweetness of boy meets girl, the natural progression of:

First comes love

Then comes marriage

Then they're pushing a baby carriage

In the horror of today's world, it's more like:

See the guy thinking only of his dick

He can fool all the girls

So selfish, so sick

Or

See the girl who's the pretty plastic one

Makes him spend all his money

Just for her fun

Isn't this so very sad? To reduce human beings to little more than genitalia, selfishness, money? Unfortunately, it's the sad reality of life in the dating world of 2016.

Do you want the good news?

The good news is that it can be different.

When people stop using the debasing phrase "Adult Fun" to describe the act which should be sacred, as little more than trivial volley, it's a nice beginning.

When people who vow to keep themselves only for their beloved who they solemnly declare to be committed and faithful to, actually honor their promise, this is also a good contribution.

When people choose their beloved husband or wife carefully, then, treat the one they chose with loving care & kindness, this is also a positive contribution.

There's more.

A quote which I have heard:

One definition of a COWARD is a man who awakens the love in a woman with no follow through to actually love her in return.

Indeed.

Food for preponderance.

Bon soir.

It's Happening!

Yeah, yeah, it goes without saying that when someone has met their goals, riding high, they will, at times tell others to keep going! Keep pushing through the pain even when you are lacking motivation. Even when you would rather give up. Even when you see others achieving their goals while you feel as if you're standing still.

As my ever so eloquent father used to say:

Even when pigs are flyin' outta your ass.

He had a 3rd grade education, lol, must be how he learned to speak with such grace & charm.

There are times when I feel a bit discouraged, tired, wanting to go anywhere except the gym. I go, anyway.

There are also times when I "fall off the wagon" and eat badly, then get punished by my body for my transgression against it when it's a non-cheat meal, cheating anyway. I pay for it.

It's the pain after the partay. *smile*

It's self sabotage of my goals.

Sabotage by guilty pleasures.

~ Ice Cream

~ Gum Drop Candy

~ Too much bread

~ Too much of anything

~ Jameson Whiskey (Michaels favorite!)

~ Wine

~ Whipped Cream Vodka (YUM!)

Yep, I do, sometimes impede my own progress. In the past few weeks, I have been more strict than usual with my eating habits. Although I allowed myself a small container of mint chocolate chip ice cream (Anita was buying!), a glass of wine (it was Anita's birthday!) I balanced it by not cheating in private, at home, alone, with my candy, bread, vodka, wine. The usual suspects.

Now? The pay off!

I'm gaining more muscle tone, while my weight is dropping! 

My weight is the lowest it's been in a long, long time! Seeing this happen for me gives me more determination to be strict with myself. The pay off progress is thrilling!

When I hit the dreaded plateau, that's my body, telling me to change it up! So, I change it up. Hit the Stair Master more than the elliptical. Add in an evening workout to my morning workout.

It makes me feel so good, so much more alive!

It's happening!

I wish I could share, more effectively with others just how good they can feel if they just start a fitness routine. 

90% of all disease can be managed, even cured with weight loss & making permanent healthy changes.

When I was at my heaviest, the doctor suggested blood pressure meds, thyroid meds, cholesterol meds. Meds Meds Meds. UGH!

Not this chik. That was one big wake up call.

If you want to get started, here is how I started.

I walked on the treadmill for 5 minutes. Felt like I was dying! I kept it up, just 5 minutes every day.

Soon, my body craved more, 5 minutes was too easy.

That's how I started. Different methods work for different physiology's. 

Find what works for you.

It's happening for me!

It can happen for you!

Go get 'em TIGER!

Second Chances

Do you give second chances to people or experiences which have turned out less than favorable in the past? 

Long question, big impact!

Have you given a second chance, only to have it blow up in your face, rear back to give you a second dose of damage?

Have you given a second chance to then, have it turn out to be so delightful that you're so happy you went to round two?

It's a slippery slope, my loves.

There are many adages against second chances. One of my faves:

"If the milk has gone sour, it won't become sweet if you put it back in the fridge, then take it out once again."

As an optimistic person, I DO believe in second chances. I have been both the giver as well as the recipient.

It's been a mixed bag.

Another fave adage:

"I give more chances to people than they probably deserve, yet, when I'm done, I'M DONE."

Tending to live by the second adage, yeah, I have had more than my fair share of emotional pain dealt to me. I get right back up, filled with fresh optimism. It may have hurt me, yet, I will still have my joy, my peace of mind.

Maybe less trustful, yet, still, happy, optimistic, a heart of gold.

In my life, in present day, I feel as if I have received a second chance at happiness, love, a good life.

Girls who are naturally slender have it a bit easier in life. Before my first pregnancy, I was one of those girls.

After 4 babies, my metabolism had slowed to a slight crawl, I was miserable in a marriage with a verbally/emotionally abusive male. I ate to escape the emotional pain.

Hitting the gym was dead last on my to-do list.

You've heard my story before, so, avoiding redundancy.

I started out in slender, physical fitness then, slowly morphed into morbid obesity. It happened so slowly, I hardly noticed it.

As a gym goddess, I have come almost full circle. Time spent as I studied, asked questions of PTs or anyone who could offer me helpful information. Taking that knowledge and studying some more to figure out how to apply healthy life practices to my own individual physiology. 

The journey to get back into the athletic condition I was in at 20 years of age has been a long one. It's been filled with pain, sweat, numerous hours at the gym. Changing up my workouts to keep the Brenda bod guessing!

The day I was at the Peterson AFB Fitness Center, when I began a Yoga practice, changed my life.

Yoga looks easy, effortless. It requires more effort than it seems.

Pilates? ditto.

The second chance I have received to re-invent myself only to re-invent myself over and over again. Changing music preference, clothing styles, locations, ways of thinking, ways of doing things. They all feel like a second chance.

A reset button, if you will. The same feeling of fresh awareness that I had, when leaving my parents home at the age of 18 to begin serving in the USAF.

Maybe it's useless to wish that I had the same knowledge back then as I do now. 

I still wish it, though. Yes, I would have done many things differently.

Less naivety, more awareness of opportunities available to me, more courage to take the roads I was afraid to take. More courage to lash out at those who assaulted me during my time in the USAF. I felt so vulnerable, so alone. 

The person I am now?

I would have screamed like a banshee! Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not, I was too scared to fight my attackers.

So, in present day, I feel like I have a second chance with my newly developing muscle, BMI dropping lower, weight dropping lower. The lowest it has been in a long long time!

No surgery, no pills involved.

Lots of time & sweat!

Lots of self discipline.

Yes, I have given second chances to people. Sometimes it was a sweet surprise, with very happy results. Sometimes it was a truckload of pain. 'Nuff said!

I still believe in the goodness of people.

Follow my heart with brain engaged, now. Trust & verify.

A mature mind, with a child like attitude of simplicity, wonder, joy.

I still believe in love, in happily ever after, in magical things happening in my life. The difference a day can make is real!

What will life hold for me?

Stay tuned!

Aloha!

Something New!

Warning!

Fitness talk, ahead.

Curves, muscles, happy talk!

Spending 2 hours, sometimes more, at the gym, working on a better bod, releasing endorphins or dorphs is second nature to me, now.

Spending 20 - 40 minutes on the Stair Master does my glutes & hammies some good, delivers after burn, pain, ya know what's said about no pain!

That's right!

My "something new" is a new muscle forming! During my morning Yoga, right before my morning cardio, there it was!

Right below my waist, slightly above those 2 little dimples, above gluteus maximus.

It had only been a small muscle ache a week ago, which must have been when it was beginning to form.

Aww.

Just a baby muscle, baby! It's growing up! up! up!

During Yoga Booty, for almost 15 minutes, I'm in plank position, hands & toes, raising first the left leg straight up, alternating bringing the front of left knee across the back of right knee 8 reps.

Then, bringing front of left knee to back of left elbow, 8 reps.

Switch sides, repeat with the right leg.

It's challenging & oh so effective!

This little muscle of mine, I'm gonna let it shine,  um, I mean, grow! 

L8erz!

Hello

You're ~

Beautiful

Wonderful

Praiseworthy

Awesome

Just as you are.

Have a happy day.

   *smile*

Do you ever.....    

Do you ever feel hopeless.

Do you ever feel scared.

Do you ever feel so frightened.

Frightened, like the monsters under your bed or in your closet are real, yet, no one believes you!

The monsters of the "grown up" world have many different names, different faces.

Their names or titles can be 

Narcisst 

Cheater

Those who disrespect &  alienate their parents

Liar

User

Meth

Verbal Abuser

Emotional Abuser

Physical Abuser

Sexual Abuser

Child Abusers 

Serial Adulterer

Deceiver

They all have one aspect in common. All of these monsters create incalculable pain in the lives, in the hearts of those people the purveyors of such pain, profess to love.

The distress has far reaching effects, a ripple effect through time, if you will.

The result is a heaping helping of pain, regret. Things which people should have or should not have done or said

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda.

Or

Couldn't have, shouldn't have, wouldn't have if only the far reaching consequences had been known. 

Isn't there a Kenny Chesney song like that?

It's a different situation entirely when a person is too toxic to have contact with, too toxic to you, to have them in your life.

There is hope.

While you & those you love are still living, breathing, smiling, laughing, it's best to reach out when you feel that you sincerely can.

It's better to do it & be glad you did, than to with hold the love you feel, then wish you had, when that person passes on. 

None of us knows when our time or someone else's time on earth will be done.

Life is so fragile, it can end in an instant, that will be it, the opportunity will be lost.

Reach out in love, with sincerity. 

Reap the joy.

Aloha!