Texas Blizzard February 2021

Some of you readers might recall the panic buying when the wave of COVID hit the world in Feb - March 2020.

Specifically?

TOILET PAPER!

Feeling very smug as I sat on my throne aka my bidet, I still had at least a years worth of toilet paper from my "pre bidet" life. 

Why, you might wonder, would an American buy a bidet?

The answer is that when a friend & I went to Hawai'i in 2018, we were very nice to the desk clerk when we checked in at The Moana Surf Rider Hotel in Waikiki. 

The computers were down, checking in & making room keys wasn't possible. The desk clerk was doing his best with cranky, tired travelers who were quite mean to him. He was calm, polite, I saw the fear in his eyes when my friend & I stepped up for him to write our names as being checked in.

My heart went out to the clerk. I decided to be as sweet as a summer Georgia peach to him. Maybe, compensate a little for the abuse he had suffered from the other people.

I could almost hear his sigh of relief when I smiled at him, said,

"Don't worry! I'm a nice haole." 

He smiled.

Haole is the term for a Caucasian or white person. I had lived in Hawai'i for a total of 7 years. Many Caucasian people, tourists in particular, could be quite rude to the locals. Many would believe the locals were stupid simply because they spoke a dialect of English, that is unique to Hawai'i. It's called "Pidgin English". I spoke it, too!

The desk clerk was so nice to me & my friend right back with vouchers & gift cards for food, drinks, Uber, merchandise.

The best part?

He upgraded our room. We were just 1 floor below the penthouse.

The best part about the room?

A very nice, new, bidet!

It had been a long time since I had used a bidet. The last time I had used one was a long minute ago.

Whilst being based at Ramstein AB, Kaiserslautern, Germany. The last time using a bidet, prior to  Hawai'i, I had taken my 2 eldest daughters to Paris, France, for a long weekend. It was on this trip that I got my nickname:

Madame WOW

I had told my 2 girls that the rules for the trip was that there were no rules! They had chosen the candy & snacks for the long 5 hour tour bus ride. 

By the time we got to our hotel, they were so excited, sugared up, giggly, totally adorable! 

I let them figure the bidet out on their own.

The bidet was a built in type. Possibly, the one in Hawai'i was, as well. Whatever it was, it was nice, stimulating, even.

It caused me to decide that when I got home to Texas, I was going to buy a bidet. 

So, I did! 

Soon after I had bought the bidet, the toilet paper crises hit my town.

Since the stores were getting cleaned out, it seemed like a good time to rotate my food storage. I started mostly preparing food that I had stored away. A years worth of whatever I might need plus, a little extra to share if someone else needed it. That's who I am.

I work from home, mostly. A fast, strong internet connection is crucial for me to get my work done. 14 - 20 hours straight, is common.

I had a few days of a break in the workload. On February 13, I decided to super-clean my fridge. My workload has been steadily very heavy for a little over 1 year. My fridge had suffered.

I took nearly everything out of it, tossed everything except 1 dozen raw eggs. I figured, I'd go to the grocers on Monday, to re-stock.

My supervisor called me, asked me if I could just do *ONE* job that was crucial to their project. It was going to pay well, so I accepted it.

The document I had agreed to translate/interpret was bigger than I had anticipated, with a deadline of Feb 15, 0500. Usually, I talk with my youngest daughter on Sundays. She is a busy Engineer, so, I appreciate it that she makes the time so we can stay connected.

After our conversation, I took a nap, then woke up, set up food, water, whatever I would need while I worked.

When I start a document I don't stop until it's done. No bathroom breaks, no getting up, just keep going until it's done. Sitting on a balance ball chair helps. This effort could be 14 - 20 hours or more, depending upon how many pages it is.

It could be in the French language, German, Italian & rarely Spanish. My favorite is French, with Italian being the most taxing on me.

Still, I do it. 

Baby likes her shoes. Ha ha!

The translation went smoothly, the supervisor sent a reply back, which also went smoothly.

I was feeling VERY pleased with myself when it was all done & dusted by Monday @ 0200. Three hours ahead of the deadline!!!!!

Maybe, I was a bit too pleased with myself! Speaking out loud, I was giving myself the atta girl talk over & over!

"I'm too sexy for my work, too sexy for my work."

"Dang Brenda, you so fine, you beat the deadline"

"PCH, why yes, I will accept the $10,000,000,000."

A way I use to wind down is to do fine, detailed needlework. After I got ready for bed, a warm shower, face massage etc, I settled in my bed with a gorgeous piece I'm stitching for a guy whom I am trading my needlework with for his painting skills. It has been coming along beautifully! As I worked on the design, I felt myself relax. Soon after that, everything went dark. 0237 to be exact.

Everything. 

Cell signal was even gone.

Looking outside, up & down the street, everything was pitch dark.

As one who can stay calm, I decided to go to sleep, to see if it would all be restored by the time I woke the next day.

It wasn't.

First thought?

Check on my neighbors.

It was the same with them.

I later found out that 90% of the town was the same. In addition to no electricity, internet, cell service or water? 

Only those with gas heat, had heat.

The one thing I did have was gas heat. Also, I keep an emergency item that has to be wound up to power 2 detachable lights plus a radio. Also one very bright, battery operated lantern.

It was then that I realized that the only food I had, was food that had to be cooked. 

One dozen raw eggs.

I picked a bad time to super clean my fridge!

Having done as much as a 6 day fast before, it seemed like a good time to fast for however long the outage lasted. The only problem was that I didn't have water. 

I drove to my regular gym, which had power, bought 2 bottles of water (honor system). After finding that I had a cell signal, I checked things out online, on my phone. It was worse than I thought.

Everything was dark.

Every place was closed.

The whole town, pop. 8,612, was brought to a dark standstill.

When Walmart & McDonalds close, it's really bad.

The outages continued.

Since I had rotated my food storage, super cleaned my fridge, I had exactly 1 dozen raw eggs. That was all the food I had.

(I'm aware that this is redundant)

* Note to self ~ Begin to rebuild food storage.

By Tuesday, I had steady cell service. I posted online, on social media, to let people know that I was okay. Burdening people with worry about me is something I avoid when possible. There's enough to be worried about in the world, as long as I'm doing okay, it's better to refrain from contributing to the worry in the world.

I live alone. Single & celibate by choice. I am all that I have in the world. It's less than ideal. However, as the author of "Loving What Is" - Byron Katie, teaches, I accept it.

A dear friend whom I have known since childhood, called from Ohio, to check on me. Another lifelong friend in Maryland called to check on me. My sister in the UP Michigan called to check on me.

It was nice to know that at least 3 people in the world cared enough to call to check on me.

Other than that?

I am on my own.

Flying solo, like Ladyhawk.

I was feeling a bit hungry, had no water. I went to my neighbor who is also my landlady. She made something small to eat (she has a gas stove) gave me some bottles of water.

Now, I have a more personal understanding as to why stray animals keep going back when someone gives them food & water.

After we had finished eating, the power came back on.

I felt it was better to go to bed early. Going through my nightly self care practice, felt good. Brushing & flossing my teeth. Rinsing my face (I stopped using cleanser or soap on my face many years ago). Massaging night cream into my face/neck/chest & backs of hands.

The water was ice cold, thus, no pre bedtime shower.

I heard the power click off then on throughout the night. By Friday, Feb 20, the power was on, steady. The water barely trickled out of faucets, the pressure was very low while still steadily gaining pressure as the hours went by.

My neighbor had given me a bit of food to last until the grocers re-opened.

It's a bit funny, to think, just last Saturday, I was diligently cleaning my fridge, feeling happy at how nice it looked! Ha ha.

Today, Saturday, 2/20/2021, I was in a house cleaning mood. I started by clearing off surfaces, de-cluttering. As I opened the storage room in the back of the house, to get boxes to donate things I could get rid of, I was greeted with a spray of bitterly cold water on my face! 

A pipe had burst.

If the storage room did not angle downward, away from the house, I would have had at least 3" of water leaking into my house.

                                        Saved by an angle

This too, shall pass.

Single Shaming

 

All over the world, there are many kind hearted people. Many people who are compassionate, very kind whilst keeping healthy boundaries.

Then?

There are the other kind with a myriad of degrees of nice, mean, etc. Many facets exist within most people. The anonymity of the internet can bring out the kindness of many people. It can also bring out the other.

Uh oh.

There are as many facets of shaming as there are people, possibly even more.

Uh oh x 2.

The internet can bring out the worst aspects of humans under the protection of anonymity. 

Tonight, there was a very shady individual who was clearly violating the rules on the page, trying to peddle wares that were not as they were claiming them to be. Many people were commenting, coming down hard on the scammer. 

It must have been my lucky night! 

The scammer singled me out for a verbal attack. They stalked me on my FB page to find something to use against me. Too bad he wasn't looking for needlework patterns, he would have been in needlework heaven! There was nothing else they could use. Possibly the scammer was one of very little brain. The best shot the scammer had was to single shame me.

Mm Hm.

I busted up laughing at such a weak approach. 

The scammer stated that the reason I'm single is very clear.

Is this 1621 or 2021?

As of 1960, women were no longer considered property of their fathers or their husbands or even their son. If their dear papa was deceased & they were unmarried, they were the property of their male next of kin.

Women can now vote, own property, drive a motor vehicle, work in a job or career of their own choosing. In present day women can choose whom they marry or not marry at all. 

The same privileges males have enjoyed for centuries.

How could I even think I could exist with no racing stripes to wash out of someone else's underwear. Did I really believe that I could be happy without someone to tell me how to spend my own hard earned cash & expect me to clean the house, cook the meals & hippity hop into bed at his command???? Could I actually be happy without all of that?

Hellz to the yeah, I am!

So, the scammer probably had some holdover anger left in DNA with the anger of having lost the place of ownership over females.

Since divorcing more than a decade ago, I find that I am happier. Also more productive, have much less anxiety, decreased depression, remaining single & celibate.

I have had four marriage proposals since the divorce, I choose to remain unmarried. Unfettered by the energy plus demands that it takes to be in a married, committed relationship. Some people would be ballsy enough to ask, 

"What about sex?"

That, alone, has it's own complications, risks, difficulties that I would much rather live without. This is why I choose to be single & celibate.

Not that it's anyone's business except my own. I feel more peaceful since I stopped dating at all. Putting my time plus my energy into more productive, gratifying activities which benefit me greatly.

Most people are afraid to be alone. Afraid to be single, live alone, to face their own highs plus lows in life on their own.

I get it. Truly, dear readers, I understand.

When the scammer verbally attacked me, it said more about them than it did about me. It told me that the scammer had stalker tendencies to go into my Facebook page looking for something they thought would hurt or offend me.

All the stalker/scammer found was that I'm single.

Wow! The shame of being a person who is strong enough to stand on their own. A person who knows what they bring to the table, therefore, perfectly fine with sitting alone vs settling so they can have someone, anyone who will have them. Screenshotting the posts for a time when I want a really good laugh, storing them in my hard drive.

In truth, it's a more enjoyable, more peaceful existence. Quite enjoying my own company is preferable when I have experienced who is out there in the world. 

Married people acting as if they are single, single males who practically demand sex, narcissists who look for people to provide narcissistic supply for them. People who have low integrity to no integrity in the insidious practice of ghosting.

Plenty of fish, most are sharks, barracudas, piranhas. The rest are mostly emotionally damaged, insecure, immature. Many are incapable of knowing how to handle a strong, free spirited woman. I'm sure there are a few secure, emotionally mature, evolved into real men, out there, very few.

Second Chances

The moment they met was magic

They both felt it inside

Until it all became tragic

As the space between them grew wide

A year together then decades apart

Decades spent dreaming

Of a balm for a sad heart

No one could fill that hollow

The space left was so bittersweet

With the pain that would follow

Recalling words said in repeat

Life is meant for the living

So it is often said

Meant for taking or giving

As we earn our daily bread

But what of the broken hearted

Who must go on living with pains

Tasted heaven before being discarded

What is left of a scarred soul remains

The tender ones will have to learn

To forget as they learn to self heal

On their own with silent weeping

For want of that which seemed so real

Slipped away from the keeping

The moment they found each other anew

Time had passed still there was no doubt

Soul mates they were, these two

Sometimes second chances work out

Kintsugi

It's too late to say how much I love you

It's too late to tell you how I truly feel

It's too late to show a heart that's true

It's too late to talk over an evening meal

It's been too much time in this long day

It's been so tiring that my head aches

It's been too long for the words I didn't say

It's been such agony with the toll that it takes

It's been many times watching you drive away

It's the remnants of such a pensive smile

It's one that I wished would return to stay

It's been etched in my thoughts for a long while

It's all of this that weighs heavy on a girls heart

It's the stuff that keeps her awake many nights

It's enough to tear her raw passion apart

It's also what takes her love to such heights

It's best to keep this all safely locked away

It's best to keep all of this safely locked inside

It's going to be bottled up until the right day

It's better to protect my heart than it is to confide

**********************************************************************************

It's a boy!

At the risk of sounding cliché, there are so many different aspects in a mother to son relationship. 

From my own experience, nearly everything was different from my other 3 "with child" times with my daughters. My hormone levels were very different, he was not my largest baby, yet, he was definitely the most active. I felt his tiny body moving beginning with 4 months gestation. It felt like a soccer game with just one player.

It was a happy time, an easier time. When I received a positive pregnancy test, it was merely a formality to receive insurance coverage for pre-natal care, delivery plus post natal care. It was such an easy time, at 7.5 months, that, on a family road trip, driving from Omaha, Nebraska to Claremont, California? 

I drove all the way from Omaha, Nebraska to St. George, Utah, while the rest of the family slept.

When I was asked if I was going to have a baby, at 6 months, during that time when I just looked like I had been hitting the ice cream too hard? My reply, as I knew who this little person was going to be. "Nope, this is my Nolan."

Please excuse me for refraining from a litany of aerie faerie talk in regards to how I knew. I knew with complete certainty that this was not just any boy baby. This was my son who visited me in spirit form years before his entrance into the world, in the flesh.

A wee bit of aerie faerie, there.

When my son was born, I was officially off the hook.

Mm Hm, many women might identify with this. Most men want a son so much. When a blessed union produces all daughters, of course the father loves as well as cherishes his daughters. Openly or sometimes secretly, most men want a son. 

This puts a lot of pressure on a woman to give the love of their lives, the desired baby boy. There seems to be such a feeling of relief in the mother, accompanied by the complete joy of the father, when a healthy baby boy is born.

Many people may speculate that the desire for a son is to fulfill the need to continue the family line, the family name. It seems there is much more to this innate desire than simply carrying the family line forward.

Even the royal family of the UK used to have a strong rule that a son, as well as ONLY a son, for the most part, could ascend the throne as a ruling monarch.

That rule has changed from only males to being next in line by birth order.

Queen Mary, Queen Elizabeth I as well as Queen Victoria faced some difficult hurdles to rule as Queen of the UK.

As it stands in 2021, there is less of a need to produce a male heir, yet, the pressure is mostly on, to give a man the son he desires. It puts a lot of pressure on the mother with circumstances she has very scant control over.

Sincerely, I hope, that if a man is reading this, he will have his heart touched. That he will refrain from putting that pressure on his wife.

Having felt the pressure, I can say that it's very uncomfortable.

My son was different, very distinctly male immediately following his birth. He was a breast fed baby, so were his sisters, yet, even as an infant, he was thrilled at the sight of cleavage. He was a nursing mothers dream! He was the only one who knew right where his next meal was, how to get it, taking only as much as he needed. He would fall directly into a milk coma after burping himself. This is a redundant statement, it was a nursing mothers delight.

Whereas his sisters, when given a small toy that made noise, would shake it, delight in the rattling noise, shake it a few more times, cooing followed by sweet baby laughter.

My son?

He would shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture, give a slightly throaty laugh, throw it against the wall, then fuss until I retrieved it for him. He was more active, foregoing naps at around 8 months of age. That was so much fun! 

My son was a very easy, very happy baby. This was a fortuitous circumstance as he & his younger sister were very close in age. There is a lack of preference within me as to whether baby boys are easier or baby girls.

The love in my heart for my daughters & son is equal.

Casual Sex

The phrase, alone, seems titillating with visions of dance clubs filled with a hundred or more beautiful people. The app, Tinder, in the UK, Dates 25. Various illicit web sites where males have lured women in to film a casual sexual act to post online.

In truth, the very phrase is a myth, a misleading misnomer for something so insidious, so damaging to the human psyche. It's damaging equally to guys and girls no matter how willing or unwilling the people are. 

All a person has to do is tune in to the multiple genealogy videos & real life descriptions of the pain from the children who were the result of so called "casual sex." 

At the least?

The act of using another person to satisfy an urge or an itch can skew a males view of women as disposable, lacking in value. Simply an object . 

A casual diversion with potential catastrophic events to follow.

The difference is that it's more complicated for a teen age girl or sometimes one in her 20s or more. With every male that lures  her with flattering words , lies, excessive liquor, her fear & hatred of males starts to grow stronger with each negative experience.

Often she is left with an unexpected pregnancy, no way to contact the biological father, low money or no money. Her fear of what has happened with the shame she might feel, having nowhere to turn, no one to turn to.

Not so casual for her.

Does she try to make herself miscarry the baby, seek out an abortion clinic. Lots of fear, anger, depression, shame. As her hormones surge through her body, it's one more complication she didn't realize that she might have to face.

Even less casual. 

As the male who impregnated her goes about his life, on the lookout for his next sexual encounter. He's thinking that he's quite the stud, seeing girls & women as just for fun.

What he's actually doing is creating the scars on his own psyche, on his own view of 49% of the worlds population. He's shaping the view of 49% of the world population. 

Do you still believe it's casual?

With the readily available DNA testing, many truths have begun to surface. Like the scum in a pond or lake, that which people believe is safely buried will eventually rise to the surface. Because DNA is easier to trace to the mother of a child, again, it's the mother, the woman who was so carelessly used then discarded, who most often bears the pain. It's the pain she will bear from her lapse in judgment. Being so naïve as to believe that the one who uttered such flattery actually meant what was said. In her inexperience, is somewhat convinced that the person seducing her might actually care about her. The start of something meaningful, something good.

In reality, the person said anything they believed was what she wanted to hear. 

SCORE!

Another notch on belt or bed post. She was only a fun diversion.

It's probably sounding less & less casual.

It's easier to trace the mother of a child as there is often a circumstantial trail as well as a paper trail. When a girl/woman checks into a hospital, her fingerprint is taken most of the time that I'm aware of. I could be wrong, I am fine with owning up to a mistake if it's found that I have made one.

Sounding less & less casual.

All it would take is for just one man to be a decent human being to her.

Another route that a pregnancy can take is something I have so much pain even imagining. It's my own personal belief. It may be fine with some people, it's something I know I could never do.

It's obvious that what is being described is termination of the life of the growing fetus.

The most vulnerable people in the world. 

YES!

The growing baby is not a giraffe or a puppy. He or she is a person.

Even this act has severe repercussions for a potential mother. If she terminates a pregnancy, most will remember what would have been milestones in a childs life had she chosen to carry the baby to full term. The torment is felt in varying degrees. Often, if more than one or two terminations are done? The human body in all of it's miraculous functions, can learn how to rid the body, naturally, of the developing baby.

A very famous example is the beloved, late, Marilyn Monroe. She was said by a close friend to have had as many as seven fetal terminations early in her career. Her body had learned how to miscarry the baby. She never was able to carry a baby to full term to live her deep desire to become a mother.

Definitely not casual.

So, now, I hope you're still reading. I hope that my blog entry has made you think, given more realization of how sacred the act should be.

Less secret, more sacred.

Age of Wonder

 

(cue in the voice of the Star Trek announcer) 

Age

The final socially acceptable form of discrimination. These are the attitudes of the human race. 

My mission: 

To examine the outdated attitudes toward people of all different ages whether older or younger. To seek out an understanding of others older or younger. To boldly assist you, who are reading this, to  reconcile within yourself, the value of other humans based on who they are. Not on their age, car they drive, phone they use or any box you previously tried to put them into. To realize that people should only be put in a box after death.

Challenge your preconceptions or they will challenge you.

To a child of 5 years or so, in age, 21 seems quite aged. 30? Ancient! When a person reaches those apex positions, it seems so young. If it doesn't then maybe it's time for a check up!

The same can be said of reaching the age of 40. Age 40 may sound quite old to someone who is still in single digits or as a teenage person. In reality, 40 is a wonderful age to be. 

At age 50, many people are taking on the challenge of their first marathon or even a triathlon. When a person has taken care of their body, their mind, their spirit, age 50 is still quite youthful

At age 60, many people are still running, seeking higher education, some have even become mothers or fathers. Good health is all that is required to be able to continue a happy, fulfilling life.

At age 70, many people might re-unite with a past love or someone totally new. They might have started a second career or even a third one. A septuagenarian could have also been running marathons for many years or might be just starting.

An octogenarian can, quite often, be as active or more physically fit than a person in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s or more.

Scientific studies have proved that, barring any catastrophic disease or injury, what a person does to take care of their body makes the difference. What a person does in their teens will affect them in their 20s. What a person does in their 20s will affect them in their 30s, then, so on. 

People who decide, in their 40s or 50s, to get all of their teeth pulled, seeking a dentist to be fitted with dentures, get a doctor to order a walking cane for them? No bueno.

If a person takes care of themselves, age is mostly irrelevant. The stereotypes that held true for many years, apply less now than ever.

Whether a person runs every day or works out at home or at a commercial gym, exercise is extremely important!

A person who has abused their body with excessive tobacco usage, alcohol, junk food (it's called junk for a very good reason). A person who dabbles in illegal substances or even succumbs to the pressure of big pharma. 

Instead of looking into things they could do to improve their health, they allow a medical doctor to prescribe multiple pharmaceuticals.

It makes a huge difference between a person who takes care of their body like a temple or lets it run down like a crack house.

There are far too many crack houses walking around.  😏

My main point is this, take care of your body, it will take care of you!

To My Daughter

I stitched this as I watched Victoria napping. Such a sweet memory.

When I see columbine flowers I think of you

They remind me of the sweet things you do

When I see a little girl with big eyes and beautiful smile

It makes me wish to hug you as it's been a long while

When I hear the melody of teach me to walk in the light

It makes me happy to try to always do what is right

When I make your favorite clam chowder meal

It makes me pause to send thoughts of I love you so

To you wherever you are & everywhere that you go

When I hear your adorable laugh in person or on the phone

Although I feel lonely at times it makes me feel less alone

I love you so much my darling daughter always on my heart

It carries me through so many months while we are apart

 

Goodbye

There are a multitude of studies regarding the effects of rejection upon the psyche of a person with abandonment issues. The effects range from pronounced irritation to mild anxiety to full blown panic attacks. Many people have even successfully committed suicide as they felt such acute sadness, coping was beyond their scope of capability.

Have you ever had that feeling when you lose someone? Whether it's because of rejection or death or possibly one following the other. It's still too painful for those sensitive souls who are very challenged. Lacking the coping skills to deal with it when some people might simply shrug it off. 

Then?

There are those who were born as a sensitive child with insensitive parents. Parents whose coping skills were at their limit at the time of the childs' birth. 

Maybe?

The parents were too selfish to care or unexpectedly had a child. Teenage parents with teenage coping skills, it bodes ill for the child. There may be some teenage mothers who cope just fine at first, yet the long haul, as in the birth of the child up to age 10 or so. Things are okay, not great, yet, okay. It becomes too much a decade later.

Too much responsibility too soon. Never having a full childhood.

This is only my personal perspective from observations, for a professional perspective you might need, well, a professional.

Receiving a professional opinion is often accompanied by a professional price tag. They will be sure to send the bill!

In truth, I started life as a sensitive child.

Having parents who were having a rough time already with babies being born one right after another after another then another. This is a formula for child neglect. This is something that is much less severe when the parents are in a better position. Better relationship with each other, better dependable income of a certain level.

It makes a difference.

Here, now, I know that I had some very severe abandonment issues starting in my childhood. It was compounded by people telling me that the events that I remembered, never happened.

It was some serious confuktion.

Later on in adulthood, people who were there in my childhood, teenage years, confirmed that it was reality. That I had remembered the traumatic events accurately.

What a relief!

As well as a let down.

It's difficult for me to imagine anyone being so cruel to a small, helpless child. Unfortunately it's more common than most people realize. It still goes on today all over the world.

Having abandonment issues was something I believe I have mostly  grown out of. Counselors would offer advice to me. Useless advice.

I suppose I had to figure it out on my own.

In my adolescence, it was so tough. When the fear of abandonment hit me, I would hurry home, sit on the floor in the back of a room, in a corner, facing the wall, draw my knees to my chest, in a fetal position. Pressing my face into the separation between my kneecaps. The shaking sensation, pounding heart. As much as I held back, the tears would start. Afraid to make a sound. Silently remaining in that position until the feeling had passed. Sometimes after a few minutes, sometimes as long as an hour or at least it felt like it.

With the military training I was going through, everything was new, exciting, the abandonment issues somewhat abated. At my first base, military assignment, the horrors I experienced, brought it all back even stronger. I had to find a way to cope. Per chance I found the base craft store. There was a macramé instructor holding an experimental class, guiding people to design & create their own project. 

I signed up!

Designing a hanging macramé table was slightly challenging. More fun, than anything. Something beautiful to create with my own 2 hands, imagination, creative energy. 

As the project began to take shape, there was no anxiety, even when something occurred that might have caused the dreaded panic of abandonment issues.

At the craft center, as the people in the class worked on their individual, projects, there was a feeling of comradery, community. 

More importantly?

It felt very safe.

The other students in the class had a hard time believing that I was a Security Forces E- 2. Basically, a USAF cop. That the sweet, slender blonde with big green eyes was actually a cop.

No one would taunt, rape, molest or assault me in this safe space, as it went on in other places by those who were in my military unit. We were all together working individually, creating beauty. When the class came to a closure as we had completed our projects, there was a potluck, a sort of celebration. 

This is the best photo I have of it.

I decided to start going to the beach more.

Did I mention that I was living in Hawai'i?  😎

As a single girl, I had my fair share of dating & break ups. It only made me stronger, better able to handle rejection as well as breaking things off with others as kindly as possible.

As I matured, learned, grew, it became even easier.

Then, as my marriage became abusive, eventually wearing away at my love, my feelings, my respect for the one I married.

Finally, I knew if I stayed I would commit suicide to get out of it.

Leaving was hard, it became easier with time as my counselor helped me to see that it was the best thing I could do to save my sanity.

Back in the dating world, it was horrible. A ray of light shone in, briefly, in the form of such a truly fine man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life, with.

Learning of his death was the very lowest point in my entire life.

Starting from square one, again, I had to build my confidence up, become strong, again. In truth, if I could have pressed a button to cause my death, I would have. Yup. It was like that.

In time, I built my strength through a series of divorce recovery classes. I went to the series of 13 week classes 3 times in Colorado. Then, again in 2012, in Texas, after a devastating painful event.

www.divorcecare.org

Having reached back into the past to the feeling of the time I created my beautiful hanging macramé table, I found the same peace from completing needlework projects, one by one.

Some projects were small, some were large. The feeling was the same.

There was still something niggling at my psyche that I was unaware as to where it came from or how it was affecting me. Later I learned that it was from MST/PTSD. Google it.

All of the assaults, harassments, terrifying experiences, which I had stuffed deep into my psyche, I was clueless that those incidents were still affecting me. Night terrors, hyper vigilance, depression, anxiety. Though I worked to suppress them, they were still there.

The Veterans Administration had to address these issues as thousands of military veterans were so affected by the sexual harassments & sexual assaults. It had been allowed to happen with so many people with those in positions of authority allowing it, covering up, saying it never happened.

There have been a few situations, where I have had to end a relationship or another person ended something with me.

Somehow, the last time, I believe I have conquered my abandonment issues. Instead of sorrow, loss, sadness, emptiness?

The feeling is relief, a rebirth, a feeling of sweet release, a feeling that something good or even better is headed toward me.

The last time I was deeply wounded by a situation was 9 years ago. A valuable life lesson that a person has to develop within themselves as it's much less effective if someone tries to teach another person.

I have become good at good bye!

Happy Christmas to HM The Queen

It's a known fact that people traveled from the UK enmass to what is the North American Continent, today. The first white or Caucasian peoples, to sail to the new world, with intent to colonize, spoke with an English accent.

My apologies, there will be no long history lesson, not today!

(possibly a short one)

As much as I love history, this will be on a somewhat lighter note. As the world is still in some turmoil, just as sure as the sun rises then sets, the date will arrive. Christmas will be here as sure as Chump Charlie dumped Princess Diana for Camilla Whoresface. Christmas day will get here!

For all that Queen Elizabeth II has done right, and she has been very diligent in fulfilling her promise to serve her people. Personally, I admire her vigor, her energy level, her very down to earth attitude. She has been on the throne longer than any UK Queen. Longer than her  Great Great Grandmother, Queen Victoria. Queen Victoria was famously feisty. At only 4'11' she detested it when people referred to her height or lack thereof.

The rows betwixt she with her husband, Albert, were frequent with many a stormy infamous episode. Albert was a very masculine person (yumm). He only did what men of his era did, still sometimes do, even in 2020. Try to take over & control his wife. Kinda hard, there, buddy, when your wife is the ruler of the most powerful nation in the world. They loved each other very passionately, also, they fought very passionately.

Her Majesty The Queen of the UK (Canada, too) Empress of India

Queen Victoria

(No queen had ever chosen that name when she ascended the throne)

My very favorite person in history. She became queen at 18 years of age, married at 21, had 9 healthy children. She raised her 9 children whilst ruling a nation.

Hers along with Prince Consort Albert's accomplishment list is so long, it would take up 3 more blog entries to list them.

Out of my love for Queen Victoria, as well as a friend who loved the name, I named my youngest daughter in my admiration for Queen Victoria I will list a few, if I may.

Thank you!

Queen Victoria:

~Started the tradition of brides wearing a white wedding dress.

~Hired a chemist to develop a more comfortable childbirth time.

~Was the first person outside of Germany to have a decorated, indoor tree at Christmas time. Complete with lighting.

~Donated funding to The Wright Brothers to develop a flying machine.

~She designed jewelry as a gift to the King & Queen of Hawai'i. It is still made, to this day, with the Olde English Script that the originals were designed with. Inlaid with black onyx lettering. It's known as Hawai'ian Heirloom Jewelry, is a gift given out of honor, of love.

~ Princess Kai'u'lani had Victoria as her first name in honor of her.

~Was the only Queen of the UK, or Europe to adopt a child from an African monarchy. She felt such compassion for a small girl who had been orphaned when a coo was successful. She legally adopted her.

~Victoria & Albert laid the groundwork to make basic education available to everyone regardless of gender, money or social status.

~ Victoria and Albert established the first lending library, free to the public to encourage people to read more, to better themselves.

So, now, you see. Queen Elizabeth II is descended from greatness.

If you would like to send a Christmas greeting to the Queen:

Her Majesty The Queen

Buckingham Palace

London, SW1A1AA

United Kingdom

A few helpful suggestions. ~ 

If you wish for a reply, you might write your first & last name, return address in the upper right corner aligned to the right with the date underneath.

It's considered proper to address the letter to the queen, starting with:

Madam

In place of "you", your majesty. In place of "your" such as "your holiday" is properly written as Your Majesty's Holiday.

Then decide if your correspondence is well wishes for a holiday or occasion such as a marriage, a birth or a holiday. Kindly state the purpose in the first sentence or very brief 1 - 2 sentences.

Hand written is preferred yet only if your penmanship is legible. If not, then written on a computer then printed out, personally signed with your title (Mr. or Ms. or whatever it is) along with your first & last name, is next best.

If your correspondence is brief whilst sticking to a brief letter of condolences, well wishes, a birthday, anniversary or congratulations. You, on a rare occasion may get a personally signed note in return or in a very very rare instance, a personally written reply.

The queen takes respite, celebrating Christmas at Sandringham House. She is there from the start of winter until February 6 which is the anniversary of the death of her much loved father in 1952.

Happy Christmas, Your Majesty! God save the Queen!