According to the life expectancy in the USA for a woman, I have around 30 to 40 years left to live. Maybe more, maybe less.
Some people fear death, I fear it less than I fear how I will die.
At present, I am extremely active, healthy, strong, fit, mostly happy, independent, secure. A free spirit, if you will.
When my body dies, I will be a free spirit, set free.
With all of the upheaval in the world, part of me will be happy to leave it behind. Still, there is so much for me to do whilst I'm here.
So many beautiful needlework designs to discover, to complete. I'm working on that. Finishing those that I started a minute ago. Starting then finishing smaller designs to give me a bit of a lift, a feeling of accomplishment.
Working on a beautiful design for a dear man, a friend from my past. He likes this a lot! I'm happy to stitch it for him.
Most of my designs are stitched on 32 Belfast linen. They are very detailed, some are delicate, incorporating beads, silk, sparkling fibers, little charms of silver. So beautiful!
Some designs are stitched on 28 Lugana to make the finished work of art a bit bigger, to make more of an artful impact.
Exquisite needlework is my stab at immortality!
Couture has played a large part in my life. It has been the most constant presence in my life for 90% of my time on earth. Many people can say that of their families, their children.
To my great sorrow, I can't stake a claim to my children being very physically present in my life.
Their father taught them by his example that I was of little value, by their fathers lack of respect for me, he taught them that I was not to be respected.
As adults they have partly moved past this, it's still there somewhat without them realizing it.
My youngest and I speak on the phone every Sunday. I cherish conversations with her. Until I can wrap my arms around her, embrace her in a long hug, phone calls are what we have. She is a very busy professional, still takes time to connect with me. She is an Engineer, super smart, married to a wonderful man who I love! The wonderful man she married is so kind, so considerate. She has learned much from him, I could learn so much from him, his ways of kindness.
Having not seen 3 of the 4 in more than 2 years, it leaves a void in my life that can only be filled by them.
My oldest is married to a man who doesn't like me, hampers her attempts to keep in touch. To my knowledge, she doesn't put up much resistance. It's very sad.
My youngest and I speak on the phone every Sunday. I cherish conversations with her. Until I can wrap my arms around her, embrace her in a long hug, phone calls are what we have. She is a very busy professional, still takes time to connect with me. She is an Engineer, super smart, married to a wonderful man who I love! The wonderful man she married is so kind, so considerate. She has learned much from him, I could learn so much from him, his ways of kindness.
Having not seen 3 of the 4 in more than 2 years, it leaves a void in my life that can only be filled by them.
My oldest is married to a man who doesn't like me, hampers her attempts to keep in touch. To my knowledge, she doesn't put up much resistance. It's very sad.
She claims this to be false. However, his actions say otherwise.
I barely know her 4 children. They don't know me. It's been over 3 years since I have seen them. If I saw them in a room full of children, I would not be able to ID them.
It's akin to a person being told that they have a fabulous, beautiful home that was built for them. They can only look at pictures of it, are not allowed to visit it or live in it.
My daughter doesn't understand this. She talks about my reluctance to let myself get attached to her children as a fear of growing older. That's her oh so convenient to her, explanation.
The truth is that I won't get too attached so I won't feel the pain from longing to see them, while I'm not allowed to visit.
Her husband once gave counsel to my youngest ones husband as to how to treat his father in law.
It seems so hypocritical. Her hubbs could benefit greatly from a long course from my kinder son in law on how to treat his mother in law with courtesy & respect.
The other 2 of my children are living their lives. One of them keeps in touch with text & FB messages. Wherever he is in the world! I will enjoy that as it's what I have. A text message can't be hugged or anything that warms a mothers heart. I make sure he knows I am always here for him. I don't know his wife very well, however, I am always here for her, too.
I never thought that it would be like this, barely seeing my children only every 2 - 4 years, once they were adults. Had I known back then what I know, now, I would not have poured so much of myself into them.
Maybe it's better that I didn't know, it seems so very unbalanced.
Not knowing if I will ever see any of them, in person, ever again, it's something I think about whilst trying not to think about it.
For the last years of my life, Needlework will be a constant. Living in a healthy way, steering mostly clear of processed foods, over sugared, over salted, over processed cancer causing garbage.
The work that I do, while it's very lucrative, is very wearing on me. I love doing it so that it feels less like work, more like mental stimulation. Still, after those long 12 - 18 hour stretches, I feel as if I want to put running shoes on and run! Run as fast & far away as I can run.
Just the exhilaration of the act of escaping the sedentary hours feels GREAT!
With a lack of desire to be hampered with much responsibility to or for anyone or anything, maybe, I will get to live my dream!
It's simple.
Move to a beautiful tropical place far enough from the ocean to be reasonably safe from storms. Close enough to be able to easily go to the beach every day as I wished.
A house, a horse, a Doberman.
BOOM!
That is my most desired wish.
I'm working to make it happen.
Her husband once gave counsel to my youngest ones husband as to how to treat his father in law.
It seems so hypocritical. Her hubbs could benefit greatly from a long course from my kinder son in law on how to treat his mother in law with courtesy & respect.
The other 2 of my children are living their lives. One of them keeps in touch with text & FB messages. Wherever he is in the world! I will enjoy that as it's what I have. A text message can't be hugged or anything that warms a mothers heart. I make sure he knows I am always here for him. I don't know his wife very well, however, I am always here for her, too.
I never thought that it would be like this, barely seeing my children only every 2 - 4 years, once they were adults. Had I known back then what I know, now, I would not have poured so much of myself into them.
Maybe it's better that I didn't know, it seems so very unbalanced.
Not knowing if I will ever see any of them, in person, ever again, it's something I think about whilst trying not to think about it.
For the last years of my life, Needlework will be a constant. Living in a healthy way, steering mostly clear of processed foods, over sugared, over salted, over processed cancer causing garbage.
The work that I do, while it's very lucrative, is very wearing on me. I love doing it so that it feels less like work, more like mental stimulation. Still, after those long 12 - 18 hour stretches, I feel as if I want to put running shoes on and run! Run as fast & far away as I can run.
Just the exhilaration of the act of escaping the sedentary hours feels GREAT!
With a lack of desire to be hampered with much responsibility to or for anyone or anything, maybe, I will get to live my dream!
It's simple.
Move to a beautiful tropical place far enough from the ocean to be reasonably safe from storms. Close enough to be able to easily go to the beach every day as I wished.
A house, a horse, a Doberman.
BOOM!
That is my most desired wish.
I'm working to make it happen.
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