Some Enchanted Evenings

Having left my parents home at age 18, I had nearly zero life skills. No knowledge of cooking, cleaning, putting gas in a car, paying bills, managing time & money (sometimes they are the same thing). I didn't know that if you don't pay your phone bill that the phone company would terminate your phone service. 

The doctor who delivered my first baby, at age 23,  realized that I didn't know how babies are born. I knew how the baby got in there, my husband put her there. I had no foggy clue how the baby was going to get out. I was naïve to the point of embarrassment.

I didn't know how to cook. As a result? My dog wouldn't touch the food I cooked. He would smell it, groan, give me a look that said:

"I think I will pass, hooman."

Then, the dog would walk away, stick his head in the dog food bag, crunch-crunching away. Happily, my cooking skills have improved!

For this reason, I did my very best to teach my four darlings, in the time I had with them, as many life skills as I could. I was not a perfect mother, if you ask any of them, ha ha! They will tell you! They will tell you of the mistakes I made, all 4 different versions!😁

Along with life skills, I taught my progeny to be independent. Three lovely daughters & one handsome son. 💙

(Many times I told my kiddos that they got their looks from their father, they got their sharp minds from me!)

Teaching children from day 1 seems like an obvious principle. It seems like they will be forever in your care, that they will listen to their parents with wide eyed acceptance, even wonder, for life!

Umm, nope!

It usually starts out that way, most of the time it changes for a period of time. Sometimes they begin to listen to their parents, again. Most often, not. It's a normal, natural, mode of healthy development.

A phrase I used to hear a lot, from parents, usually when their children were, 12 - 21:

"The perfect child would be one that was buried at 10, dug up at 30."

The phrase is extreme, if you are a parent, I bet you just smiled, you might have also nodded your head in jesting agreement. 

If not?

Lighten up!

Of course, this is something that should NEVER be done, it's kinda fun to think about if only to preserve sanity during the teen years.

I wish that my children as well as many others of adult age would listen to me, to their parents. Those days are gone.

My second born, is a lovely daughter who dealt surprises constantly. I thought she was going to favor my side of the family, physically. In some ways she does. My mother was born with bright red curly hair. At 3 months of age, as the hair on my baby girls head grew, it began to fall in the prettiest, perfect ringlets all over her head! Little brown ringlets with small streaks of red from my mother.

Her hair looked like a halo. It was (still is!) so beautiful. 

To add to the beauty of it, she had natural red streaks in her hair. My mother had the same curl to her hair, except my mothers hair was a bright red which mellowed to auburn as time went on.

I remember holding my daughter for the first time. I was so amazed at how physically strong she was, how she could grasp my thumbs & pull herself up at less than 48 hours after being born.

So, it began. 

She was a strong willed, determined child with a dance she did to her own music. I was determined to teach her all that I possibly could in the time I had her, to help her when she got out in the world on her own.

She was born at Kapi'olani Medical Center, Honolulu, HI. 

If a person is born on an island, it's good for them to learn how to swim!

I knew that it was important for her, as well as whatever children I had, to know how to be a strong swimmer! The family theme seemed to be that we all loved being around water. A pool, the ocean, etc. 

When our military family was living in Kaiserslautern, Germany the Schwim Bads (Public swimming pool) were fantastic! Tiffany was only 6 years old, she was a very proficient swimmer. I had no problems with throwing coins into the 16 ft section of the pool for her to dive in to retrieve the coins.

Everyone else was horrified!!!!

They had no foggy clue how strong my girl was! She had learned to swim at around the same time she learned to walk at around 1 year old. She was a great swimmer, she was determined to get the coins. She believed she could, so, she did.

These events probably give you a good idea of who she is.

Of course she is more than just a beautiful young woman with curly hair, a strong will, sharp wit, an intelligent mind, kind heart, a successful USAF - NCO with a gorgeous singing voice. 

So much more.

Another theme in the family is that we loved to watch Star Trek, starting with ST: The Next Generation! This love for ST was definitely fostered by dear family friends, who recorded all 7 seasons of STNG then, sent them to us! It was a real treat to pop the popcorn & sit, together, watching the story unfold. We were "Engaged".

In present day, I still love Star Trek.

I divorced in 2007, moved on. Still love the stories of Star Trek.

The newest franchise in the series is Star Trek: Discovery. I was a bit unsure of it at first. 

Then?

The magic began to happen.

Michael Burnham is African American, my Tiffany is what is referred to in Hawai'i as hapa haole. Half caucasian, half of one of the people of Asian races that have made their home in Hawai'i.

That's one of the few major differences!

Someone once referred to Tiffany as a beautiful Hawai'ian princess.

The character of Michael Burnham (a female named Michael, yep!) could easily be my daughter, Tiffany. Michael Burnham is fierce! She was raised as a Vulcan as the daughter of Sarek & Amanda. Also? The unofficial sister of Spock. Yes, THEE Spock! Michael excelled at Suus Mahna. Vulcan martial arts. Tiffany loves Jiu Jitsiu!

The character is just as kind hearted as she is fierce, she's whip smart with a very quick wit. Having never heard Michael Burnham sing, it's undetermined if she has a pleasant singing voice.

OMGoodness!

The first time I heard Tiffany sing the national anthem at a sporting event at her high school..............I was completely blown away! She definitely got that from her father. I sing best when I sing tenor.

Ten or twenty miles from the nearest life form!

As I outlined in the experiences & descriptions above? I raised my children to be independent, free spirits. I raised them with life skills to get out there to make their positive contribution to the world. I raised them to forge a full, beautiful life for themselves.

As a result?

I don't see any of my children even once per year, which was very hard to get used to as well as sometimes is still painful. My youngest phones  me every Sunday which I love & cherish. She makes the strongest as well as most successful attempts to get together in person. If I reach out to my son, he is always there, reaching right back! My eldest is married to a man who dislikes me, is very possessive of my daughter along with their children, thwarts attempts I make to stay connected to my daughter & their 4 children, another painful situation I had to adjust to.

When I sit down to watch ST: Discovery, it feels like I'm spending time with my fiercely beautiful daughter, Tiffany. Especially, in Season 3, okay mostly Season 3. In it the character of Michael Burnham is more developed, more mature with deeper understanding of life. What it means to be alive, to love, to suffer loss.

Also, to rise up!

This is more about the meaning of my daughter, to my heart. I have a good life! As one of those people who prefers to live at a slower pace, always have, I still have a full life that allows me to take time to enjoy! My work schedule could consume my entire existence if I allowed it.

After a 12 - 20 hour stretch in a work assignment, I like to relax with working on a needlework project. 

Firing up the smart TV goes along with that. 

When I have Star Trek: Discovery playing, it feels like my daughter, Tiffany, is sitting right there with me. It's far from the same as spending actual time with her irl. It is what I have, it helps me to miss her a tiny bit less.

Spending an evening with Tiffany.

Queen of France or ultimate victim of circumstances?

Have you ever.....

~ said something that was repeated out of context?

~ done something really stupid, then, felt remorse

~ felt trapped by circumstance

~ been sheltered by someone close to you

~ lost a pet or a person you loved 

~ been embarrassed by a "wardrobe malfunction"

~ given up your very identity to please others

(Gee, I think that's called becoming a wife & mother!)

If you have had any or all of these daunting, almost dangerous, life situations, you might empathize with the last queen of France.

As I have been ignorant of the tragedy of her life, it seems I should own up to my own personal culpability, my personal faux pas. 

Since I was born on July 14, which is a national holiday in France, it felt like I was born on a special day. 

In truth? I had always wished that I had been born on July 4. If I was born on a day other than July 4th, I can fantasize that I was! The rationale was that I could, at least, claim the French equivalent of July 4th which is Bastille Day. The French equivalent.

Oh, the ignorance which I, now, must claim.

The thought processes were that I love The United States of America! I love the color combo of red, white & blue, the national colors of my beloved homeland! 

Love for those colors prompted me to paint my son's bedroom in red & white stripes 3/4 up. Then, the rest in blue, extending up to the ceiling onto the ceiling. Glow in the dark stars were placed on the ceiling for my son's delight. He and I had assembled fighter jets for fun. Those jets were suspended on clear cable thread from the ceiling.

I hope he felt the love I put into his bedroom decor.

As my Grandfather wished for a close relationship with me, he encouraged me to choose an important figure from history that he and I could study together. It became a bonding point.

Had I chosen La Reine Marie Antoinette, my ignorance of her tragic life might have been less. Less is more? 😎

The figure chosen was Queen Victoria, queen of the UK for 63 years. No queen had used the name, Victoria, before. She was, most definitely an original. There has not been another like her, since her reign of 63 years, starting at age 18. She accomplished so much!

As my beloved Grandfather had numerous genetic ties to the UK, this choice seemed to be favorably logical.

In place of that, had I chosen Marie Antoinette there would have been less personal gloating, mild gloating is still gloating. Gloating in ignorance is still gloating. 

Je m'excuse, madame, je voulais ne pas faire.

(A re-phrase of some of Marie Antoinette's last words)

When someone or something crosses my path, enters my orbit, catches my attention, it piques my curiosity. The deeply curious facet of my nature spurs me to investigate whomever or whatever is there. 

The French language appeals to me along with French fashion. French chocolate, French culture, French art, French music. Does French kissing figure in there? Maybe. 💞💞💞💞

The movie about Marie Antoinette's life, starring Kirsten Dunst, was bought for a friend as a birthday gift. Sadly, my friend passed on before it could be given. I left the DVD in its wrapped & sealed condition for several years even as I moved from Colorado to Texas. The feeling was that if I opened it, it was the last tie to my beloved friend, would be permanently broken. 

As irrational as this sounds, being a sentimental plus very feeling person, it was how I truly felt. When I had a day of difficulties, a trifle to shift my focus became necessary. It was time.

The movie was just what I needed! It was fascinating, opulent, funny, romantic, beautiful! With the oh so sexy Jamie Dornan (50 Shades of Grey) playing the very celebrated Swedish Diplomat, Count Axel von Fersen. There was a definitive eye candy factor.

Along with the "pick me up" being sought, it awakened a curiosity about La Reina Marie Antoinette, the last Queen of France. 

It has been almost 230 years since her untimely death. She is more beloved, now, just as revered. Her enigma is a fascinating one.

The movie's whetting of my appetite, led me to explore on several levels. The French tea, created by Nina's of Paris can still be bought, today.

La the' de Marie Antoinette

The parfum created for Marie Antoinette by Lubin de Paris

Originally named The Queen's Secret Garden, recreated by The House of Lubin following the original formula, as Black Jade. The queen had the scent in a small black jade vial with her at all times.

The luxurious chocolates created just for Marie Antoinette.

The Queens Chocolates by Debauve et Gallais still around today.

As a voracious reader, I began to read as much as possible about the enigmatic Queen. Her ancestry, her childhood, her life experiences.

Some very interesting facts that were discovered? Like the petals of a rose that unfold to reveal the heart, her tragic life unfolded before me.

1.Just as Queen Victoria never said "Let them eat cake", Queen Marie Antoinette never said, "We are not amused". See what I did?

2. She was born in Austria as an Austrian Archduchess. Her name at birth was Maria Antonia Josepha Johanna Archduchess of Austria. 

3. She was taken to France to be the bride of the dauphin Louis XVI when she was still 14 years of age, soon after she celebrated her 15th year of age. Louis XVI was only 15, the marriage ceremony was done by proxy, in Austria, on April 19, 1770 with her brother standing in as the groom. The deal needed to be sealed soon to allay the prospect of more warring on both sides between the 2 countries.

(DANG! That was normal at the time, it does seem like it's a tad odd)

4. The ceremonial wedding took place at The Palace of Versailles on May 16, 1770. The wedding gown was too small for Marie Antoinette, so, she had to walk toward the altar, to meet her actual husband to be, with the dress being opened at the back, showing her undergarments to the entire court. Awkward first impression.

5. The celebration after the marriage ceremony in Versailles had 5,000 guests on the guest list, lasted for 2 weeks. They partied in opulent fashion, completely oblivious that the French people were starving to death outside the heavy gates of the palace.

6. Marie Antoinette & Louis XVI knew nothing of the relations that were supposed to occur betwixt husbands & wives. Their marriage was not consummated until they had been married for 7 years.

7. When she married, Marie Antoinette had lived in wealth, in abundance of everything from the time she was born. She was a teenage girl who had the world laid at her feet. She had the green light to party like Rock-ette Star! She did what most teenage girls (or guys) would do if they found themselves in a similar situation.

8. Marie Antoinette was a sort of pioneer. She searched for ways to connect with Louis XVI, horseback riding was the chosen venue.

She was told that riding horses was too dangerous, so, she rode donkeys at first.

Later, she wanted to ride horses. It was thought that aristocratic ladies should only ride on a side saddle. The long dresses, multiple layers of petticoats etc, made it very cumbersome. She had breeches made that were similar to a man's. Wearing these breeches with fewer & lighter petticoats, she rode astride,  with her legs on both sides of the horse. This was breaking new ground, it was also a bit scandalous as most ladies would be stopped from doing this.

 

Now, you see, just a petite glimpse into Marie Antoinette's life, her world. It's a personal belief of mine that she was a victim of a tragic life. The wheels had been set into motion before she was born.

Bastille Day, celebrated on July 14, every year, in France, marks the celebration of the French people being freed from the excesses of their Monarchy. It freed them from heavy taxes, sky rocketing costs of food, mainly meat and bread.

The French Resolution also caused the arrests of the monarchy. They were certainly judged as guilty before they had even went to trial. First, Louis XVI was tried, convicted, beheaded in public via the new invention of the guillotine which was a fast death, thought to be more humane. Marie Antoinette's children were taken from her, months later, living in captivity, she, also was tried, convicted, publicly executed. A guilty verdict was certain, the trial was a formality.

After learning as much as I have of these unfortunate monarchs who were secluded away from common people in Versailles? It has caused a change in my attitude toward sharing my birthday with the bloody French Revolution outcome of Bastille Day, July 14.

Texas Blizzard February 2021

Some of you readers might recall the panic buying when the wave of COVID hit the world in Feb - March 2020.

Specifically?

TOILET PAPER!

Feeling very smug as I sat on my throne aka my bidet, I still had at least a years worth of toilet paper from my "pre bidet" life. 

Why, you might wonder, would an American buy a bidet?

The answer is that when a friend & I went to Hawai'i in 2018, we were very nice to the desk clerk when we checked in at The Moana Surf Rider Hotel in Waikiki. 

The computers were down, checking in & making room keys wasn't possible. The desk clerk was doing his best with cranky, tired travelers who were quite mean to him. He was calm, polite, I saw the fear in his eyes when my friend & I stepped up for him to write our names as being checked in.

My heart went out to the clerk. I decided to be as sweet as a summer Georgia peach to him. Maybe, compensate a little for the abuse he had suffered from the other people.

I could almost hear his sigh of relief when I smiled at him, said,

"Don't worry! I'm a nice haole." 

He smiled.

Haole is the term for a Caucasian or white person. I had lived in Hawai'i for a total of 7 years. Many Caucasian people, tourists in particular, could be quite rude to the locals. Many would believe the locals were stupid simply because they spoke a dialect of English, that is unique to Hawai'i. It's called "Pidgin English". I spoke it, too!

The desk clerk was so nice to me & my friend right back with vouchers & gift cards for food, drinks, Uber, merchandise.

The best part?

He upgraded our room. We were just 1 floor below the penthouse.

The best part about the room?

A very nice, new, bidet!

It had been a long time since I had used a bidet. The last time I had used one was a long minute ago.

Whilst being based at Ramstein AB, Kaiserslautern, Germany. The last time using a bidet, prior to  Hawai'i, I had taken my 2 eldest daughters to Paris, France, for a long weekend. It was on this trip that I got my nickname:

Madame WOW

I had told my 2 girls that the rules for the trip was that there were no rules! They had chosen the candy & snacks for the long 5 hour tour bus ride. 

By the time we got to our hotel, they were so excited, sugared up, giggly, totally adorable! 

I let them figure the bidet out on their own.

The bidet was a built in type. Possibly, the one in Hawai'i was, as well. Whatever it was, it was nice, stimulating, even.

It caused me to decide that when I got home to Texas, I was going to buy a bidet. 

So, I did! 

Soon after I had bought the bidet, the toilet paper crises hit my town.

Since the stores were getting cleaned out, it seemed like a good time to rotate my food storage. I started mostly preparing food that I had stored away. A years worth of whatever I might need plus, a little extra to share if someone else needed it. That's who I am.

I work from home, mostly. A fast, strong internet connection is crucial for me to get my work done. 14 - 20 hours straight, is common.

I had a few days of a break in the workload. On February 13, I decided to super-clean my fridge. My workload has been steadily very heavy for a little over 1 year. My fridge had suffered.

I took nearly everything out of it, tossed everything except 1 dozen raw eggs. I figured, I'd go to the grocers on Monday, to re-stock.

My supervisor called me, asked me if I could just do *ONE* job that was crucial to their project. It was going to pay well, so I accepted it.

The document I had agreed to translate/interpret was bigger than I had anticipated, with a deadline of Feb 15, 0500. Usually, I talk with my youngest daughter on Sundays. She is a busy Engineer, so, I appreciate it that she makes the time so we can stay connected.

After our conversation, I took a nap, then woke up, set up food, water, whatever I would need while I worked.

When I start a document I don't stop until it's done. No bathroom breaks, no getting up, just keep going until it's done. Sitting on a balance ball chair helps. This effort could be 14 - 20 hours or more, depending upon how many pages it is.

It could be in the French language, German, Italian & rarely Spanish. My favorite is French, with Italian being the most taxing on me.

Still, I do it. 

Baby likes her shoes. Ha ha!

The translation went smoothly, the supervisor sent a reply back, which also went smoothly.

I was feeling VERY pleased with myself when it was all done & dusted by Monday @ 0200. Three hours ahead of the deadline!!!!!

Maybe, I was a bit too pleased with myself! Speaking out loud, I was giving myself the atta girl talk over & over!

"I'm too sexy for my work, too sexy for my work."

"Dang Brenda, you so fine, you beat the deadline"

"PCH, why yes, I will accept the $10,000,000,000."

A way I use to wind down is to do fine, detailed needlework. After I got ready for bed, a warm shower, face massage etc, I settled in my bed with a gorgeous piece I'm stitching for a guy whom I am trading my needlework with for his painting skills. It has been coming along beautifully! As I worked on the design, I felt myself relax. Soon after that, everything went dark. 0237 to be exact.

Everything. 

Cell signal was even gone.

Looking outside, up & down the street, everything was pitch dark.

As one who can stay calm, I decided to go to sleep, to see if it would all be restored by the time I woke the next day.

It wasn't.

First thought?

Check on my neighbors.

It was the same with them.

I later found out that 90% of the town was the same. In addition to no electricity, internet, cell service or water? 

Only those with gas heat, had heat.

The one thing I did have was gas heat. Also, I keep an emergency item that has to be wound up to power 2 detachable lights plus a radio. Also one very bright, battery operated lantern.

It was then that I realized that the only food I had, was food that had to be cooked. 

One dozen raw eggs.

I picked a bad time to super clean my fridge!

Having done as much as a 6 day fast before, it seemed like a good time to fast for however long the outage lasted. The only problem was that I didn't have water. 

I drove to my regular gym, which had power, bought 2 bottles of water (honor system). After finding that I had a cell signal, I checked things out online, on my phone. It was worse than I thought.

Everything was dark.

Every place was closed.

The whole town, pop. 8,612, was brought to a dark standstill.

When Walmart & McDonalds close, it's really bad.

The outages continued.

Since I had rotated my food storage, super cleaned my fridge, I had exactly 1 dozen raw eggs. That was all the food I had.

(I'm aware that this is redundant)

* Note to self ~ Begin to rebuild food storage.

By Tuesday, I had steady cell service. I posted online, on social media, to let people know that I was okay. Burdening people with worry about me is something I avoid when possible. There's enough to be worried about in the world, as long as I'm doing okay, it's better to refrain from contributing to the worry in the world.

I live alone. Single & celibate by choice. I am all that I have in the world. It's less than ideal. However, as the author of "Loving What Is" - Byron Katie, teaches, I accept it.

A dear friend whom I have known since childhood, called from Ohio, to check on me. Another lifelong friend in Maryland called to check on me. My sister in the UP Michigan called to check on me.

It was nice to know that at least 3 people in the world cared enough to call to check on me.

Other than that?

I am on my own.

Flying solo, like Ladyhawk.

I was feeling a bit hungry, had no water. I went to my neighbor who is also my landlady. She made something small to eat (she has a gas stove) gave me some bottles of water.

Now, I have a more personal understanding as to why stray animals keep going back when someone gives them food & water.

After we had finished eating, the power came back on.

I felt it was better to go to bed early. Going through my nightly self care practice, felt good. Brushing & flossing my teeth. Rinsing my face (I stopped using cleanser or soap on my face many years ago). Massaging night cream into my face/neck/chest & backs of hands.

The water was ice cold, thus, no pre bedtime shower.

I heard the power click off then on throughout the night. By Friday, Feb 20, the power was on, steady. The water barely trickled out of faucets, the pressure was very low while still steadily gaining pressure as the hours went by.

My neighbor had given me a bit of food to last until the grocers re-opened.

It's a bit funny, to think, just last Saturday, I was diligently cleaning my fridge, feeling happy at how nice it looked! Ha ha.

Today, Saturday, 2/20/2021, I was in a house cleaning mood. I started by clearing off surfaces, de-cluttering. As I opened the storage room in the back of the house, to get boxes to donate things I could get rid of, I was greeted with a spray of bitterly cold water on my face! 

A pipe had burst.

If the storage room did not angle downward, away from the house, I would have had at least 3" of water leaking into my house.

                                        Saved by an angle

This too, shall pass.

Single Shaming

 

All over the world, there are many kind hearted people. Many people who are compassionate, very kind whilst keeping healthy boundaries.

Then?

There are the other kind with a myriad of degrees of nice, mean, etc. Many facets exist within most people. The anonymity of the internet can bring out the kindness of many people. It can also bring out the other.

Uh oh.

There are as many facets of shaming as there are people, possibly even more.

Uh oh x 2.

The internet can bring out the worst aspects of humans under the protection of anonymity. 

Tonight, there was a very shady individual who was clearly violating the rules on the page, trying to peddle wares that were not as they were claiming them to be. Many people were commenting, coming down hard on the scammer. 

It must have been my lucky night! 

The scammer singled me out for a verbal attack. They stalked me on my FB page to find something to use against me. Too bad he wasn't looking for needlework patterns, he would have been in needlework heaven! There was nothing else they could use. Possibly the scammer was one of very little brain. The best shot the scammer had was to single shame me.

Mm Hm.

I busted up laughing at such a weak approach. 

The scammer stated that the reason I'm single is very clear.

Is this 1621 or 2021?

As of 1960, women were no longer considered property of their fathers or their husbands or even their son. If their dear papa was deceased & they were unmarried, they were the property of their male next of kin.

Women can now vote, own property, drive a motor vehicle, work in a job or career of their own choosing. In present day women can choose whom they marry or not marry at all. 

The same privileges males have enjoyed for centuries.

How could I even think I could exist with no racing stripes to wash out of someone else's underwear. Did I really believe that I could be happy without someone to tell me how to spend my own hard earned cash & expect me to clean the house, cook the meals & hippity hop into bed at his command???? Could I actually be happy without all of that?

Hellz to the yeah, I am!

So, the scammer probably had some holdover anger left in DNA with the anger of having lost the place of ownership over females.

Since divorcing more than a decade ago, I find that I am happier. Also more productive, have much less anxiety, decreased depression, remaining single & celibate.

I have had four marriage proposals since the divorce, I choose to remain unmarried. Unfettered by the energy plus demands that it takes to be in a married, committed relationship. Some people would be ballsy enough to ask, 

"What about sex?"

That, alone, has it's own complications, risks, difficulties that I would much rather live without. This is why I choose to be single & celibate.

Not that it's anyone's business except my own. I feel more peaceful since I stopped dating at all. Putting my time plus my energy into more productive, gratifying activities which benefit me greatly.

Most people are afraid to be alone. Afraid to be single, live alone, to face their own highs plus lows in life on their own.

I get it. Truly, dear readers, I understand.

When the scammer verbally attacked me, it said more about them than it did about me. It told me that the scammer had stalker tendencies to go into my Facebook page looking for something they thought would hurt or offend me.

All the stalker/scammer found was that I'm single.

Wow! The shame of being a person who is strong enough to stand on their own. A person who knows what they bring to the table, therefore, perfectly fine with sitting alone vs settling so they can have someone, anyone who will have them. Screenshotting the posts for a time when I want a really good laugh, storing them in my hard drive.

In truth, it's a more enjoyable, more peaceful existence. Quite enjoying my own company is preferable when I have experienced who is out there in the world. 

Married people acting as if they are single, single males who practically demand sex, narcissists who look for people to provide narcissistic supply for them. People who have low integrity to no integrity in the insidious practice of ghosting.

Plenty of fish, most are sharks, barracudas, piranhas. The rest are mostly emotionally damaged, insecure, immature. Many are incapable of knowing how to handle a strong, free spirited woman. I'm sure there are a few secure, emotionally mature, evolved into real men, out there, very few.

Second Chances

The moment they met was magic

They both felt it inside

Until it all became tragic

As the space between them grew wide

A year together then decades apart

Decades spent dreaming

Of a balm for a sad heart

No one could fill that hollow

The space left was so bittersweet

With the pain that would follow

Recalling words said in repeat

Life is meant for the living

So it is often said

Meant for taking or giving

As we earn our daily bread

But what of the broken hearted

Who must go on living with pains

Tasted heaven before being discarded

What is left of a scarred soul remains

The tender ones will have to learn

To forget as they learn to self heal

On their own with silent weeping

For want of that which seemed so real

Slipped away from the keeping

The moment they found each other anew

Time had passed still there was no doubt

Soul mates they were, these two

Sometimes second chances work out

Kintsugi

It's too late to say how much I love you

It's too late to tell you how I truly feel

It's too late to show a heart that's true

It's too late to talk over an evening meal

It's been too much time in this long day

It's been so tiring that my head aches

It's been too long for the words I didn't say

It's been such agony with the toll that it takes

It's been many times watching you drive away

It's the remnants of such a pensive smile

It's one that I wished would return to stay

It's been etched in my thoughts for a long while

It's all of this that weighs heavy on a girls heart

It's the stuff that keeps her awake many nights

It's enough to tear her raw passion apart

It's also what takes her love to such heights

It's best to keep this all safely locked away

It's best to keep all of this safely locked inside

It's going to be bottled up until the right day

It's better to protect my heart than it is to confide

**********************************************************************************

It's a boy!

At the risk of sounding cliché, there are so many different aspects in a mother to son relationship. 

From my own experience, nearly everything was different from my other 3 "with child" times with my daughters. My hormone levels were very different, he was not my largest baby, yet, he was definitely the most active. I felt his tiny body moving beginning with 4 months gestation. It felt like a soccer game with just one player.

It was a happy time, an easier time. When I received a positive pregnancy test, it was merely a formality to receive insurance coverage for pre-natal care, delivery plus post natal care. It was such an easy time, at 7.5 months, that, on a family road trip, driving from Omaha, Nebraska to Claremont, California? 

I drove all the way from Omaha, Nebraska to St. George, Utah, while the rest of the family slept.

When I was asked if I was going to have a baby, at 6 months, during that time when I just looked like I had been hitting the ice cream too hard? My reply, as I knew who this little person was going to be. "Nope, this is my Nolan."

Please excuse me for refraining from a litany of aerie faerie talk in regards to how I knew. I knew with complete certainty that this was not just any boy baby. This was my son who visited me in spirit form years before his entrance into the world, in the flesh.

A wee bit of aerie faerie, there.

When my son was born, I was officially off the hook.

Mm Hm, many women might identify with this. Most men want a son so much. When a blessed union produces all daughters, of course the father loves as well as cherishes his daughters. Openly or sometimes secretly, most men want a son. 

This puts a lot of pressure on a woman to give the love of their lives, the desired baby boy. There seems to be such a feeling of relief in the mother, accompanied by the complete joy of the father, when a healthy baby boy is born.

Many people may speculate that the desire for a son is to fulfill the need to continue the family line, the family name. It seems there is much more to this innate desire than simply carrying the family line forward.

Even the royal family of the UK used to have a strong rule that a son, as well as ONLY a son, for the most part, could ascend the throne as a ruling monarch.

That rule has changed from only males to being next in line by birth order.

Queen Mary, Queen Elizabeth I as well as Queen Victoria faced some difficult hurdles to rule as Queen of the UK.

As it stands in 2021, there is less of a need to produce a male heir, yet, the pressure is mostly on, to give a man the son he desires. It puts a lot of pressure on the mother with circumstances she has very scant control over.

Sincerely, I hope, that if a man is reading this, he will have his heart touched. That he will refrain from putting that pressure on his wife.

Having felt the pressure, I can say that it's very uncomfortable.

My son was different, very distinctly male immediately following his birth. He was a breast fed baby, so were his sisters, yet, even as an infant, he was thrilled at the sight of cleavage. He was a nursing mothers dream! He was the only one who knew right where his next meal was, how to get it, taking only as much as he needed. He would fall directly into a milk coma after burping himself. This is a redundant statement, it was a nursing mothers delight.

Whereas his sisters, when given a small toy that made noise, would shake it, delight in the rattling noise, shake it a few more times, cooing followed by sweet baby laughter.

My son?

He would shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture, give a slightly throaty laugh, throw it against the wall, then fuss until I retrieved it for him. He was more active, foregoing naps at around 8 months of age. That was so much fun! 

My son was a very easy, very happy baby. This was a fortuitous circumstance as he & his younger sister were very close in age. There is a lack of preference within me as to whether baby boys are easier or baby girls.

The love in my heart for my daughters & son is equal.

Casual Sex

The phrase, alone, seems titillating with visions of dance clubs filled with a hundred or more beautiful people. The app, Tinder, in the UK, Dates 25. Various illicit web sites where males have lured women in to film a casual sexual act to post online.

In truth, the very phrase is a myth, a misleading misnomer for something so insidious, so damaging to the human psyche. It's damaging equally to guys and girls no matter how willing or unwilling the people are. 

All a person has to do is tune in to the multiple genealogy videos & real life descriptions of the pain from the children who were the result of so called "casual sex." 

At the least?

The act of using another person to satisfy an urge or an itch can skew a males view of women as disposable, lacking in value. Simply an object . 

A casual diversion with potential catastrophic events to follow.

The difference is that it's more complicated for a teen age girl or sometimes one in her 20s or more. With every male that lures  her with flattering words , lies, excessive liquor, her fear & hatred of males starts to grow stronger with each negative experience.

Often she is left with an unexpected pregnancy, no way to contact the biological father, low money or no money. Her fear of what has happened with the shame she might feel, having nowhere to turn, no one to turn to.

Not so casual for her.

Does she try to make herself miscarry the baby, seek out an abortion clinic. Lots of fear, anger, depression, shame. As her hormones surge through her body, it's one more complication she didn't realize that she might have to face.

Even less casual. 

As the male who impregnated her goes about his life, on the lookout for his next sexual encounter. He's thinking that he's quite the stud, seeing girls & women as just for fun.

What he's actually doing is creating the scars on his own psyche, on his own view of 49% of the worlds population. He's shaping the view of 49% of the world population. 

Do you still believe it's casual?

With the readily available DNA testing, many truths have begun to surface. Like the scum in a pond or lake, that which people believe is safely buried will eventually rise to the surface. Because DNA is easier to trace to the mother of a child, again, it's the mother, the woman who was so carelessly used then discarded, who most often bears the pain. It's the pain she will bear from her lapse in judgment. Being so naïve as to believe that the one who uttered such flattery actually meant what was said. In her inexperience, is somewhat convinced that the person seducing her might actually care about her. The start of something meaningful, something good.

In reality, the person said anything they believed was what she wanted to hear. 

SCORE!

Another notch on belt or bed post. She was only a fun diversion.

It's probably sounding less & less casual.

It's easier to trace the mother of a child as there is often a circumstantial trail as well as a paper trail. When a girl/woman checks into a hospital, her fingerprint is taken most of the time that I'm aware of. I could be wrong, I am fine with owning up to a mistake if it's found that I have made one.

Sounding less & less casual.

All it would take is for just one man to be a decent human being to her.

Another route that a pregnancy can take is something I have so much pain even imagining. It's my own personal belief. It may be fine with some people, it's something I know I could never do.

It's obvious that what is being described is termination of the life of the growing fetus.

The most vulnerable people in the world. 

YES!

The growing baby is not a giraffe or a puppy. He or she is a person.

Even this act has severe repercussions for a potential mother. If she terminates a pregnancy, most will remember what would have been milestones in a childs life had she chosen to carry the baby to full term. The torment is felt in varying degrees. Often, if more than one or two terminations are done? The human body in all of it's miraculous functions, can learn how to rid the body, naturally, of the developing baby.

A very famous example is the beloved, late, Marilyn Monroe. She was said by a close friend to have had as many as seven fetal terminations early in her career. Her body had learned how to miscarry the baby. She never was able to carry a baby to full term to live her deep desire to become a mother.

Definitely not casual.

So, now, I hope you're still reading. I hope that my blog entry has made you think, given more realization of how sacred the act should be.

Less secret, more sacred.

Age of Wonder

 

(cue in the voice of the Star Trek announcer) 

Age

The final socially acceptable form of discrimination. These are the attitudes of the human race. 

My mission: 

To examine the outdated attitudes toward people of all different ages whether older or younger. To seek out an understanding of others older or younger. To boldly assist you, who are reading this, to  reconcile within yourself, the value of other humans based on who they are. Not on their age, car they drive, phone they use or any box you previously tried to put them into. To realize that people should only be put in a box after death.

Challenge your preconceptions or they will challenge you.

To a child of 5 years or so, in age, 21 seems quite aged. 30? Ancient! When a person reaches those apex positions, it seems so young. If it doesn't then maybe it's time for a check up!

The same can be said of reaching the age of 40. Age 40 may sound quite old to someone who is still in single digits or as a teenage person. In reality, 40 is a wonderful age to be. 

At age 50, many people are taking on the challenge of their first marathon or even a triathlon. When a person has taken care of their body, their mind, their spirit, age 50 is still quite youthful

At age 60, many people are still running, seeking higher education, some have even become mothers or fathers. Good health is all that is required to be able to continue a happy, fulfilling life.

At age 70, many people might re-unite with a past love or someone totally new. They might have started a second career or even a third one. A septuagenarian could have also been running marathons for many years or might be just starting.

An octogenarian can, quite often, be as active or more physically fit than a person in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s or more.

Scientific studies have proved that, barring any catastrophic disease or injury, what a person does to take care of their body makes the difference. What a person does in their teens will affect them in their 20s. What a person does in their 20s will affect them in their 30s, then, so on. 

People who decide, in their 40s or 50s, to get all of their teeth pulled, seeking a dentist to be fitted with dentures, get a doctor to order a walking cane for them? No bueno.

If a person takes care of themselves, age is mostly irrelevant. The stereotypes that held true for many years, apply less now than ever.

Whether a person runs every day or works out at home or at a commercial gym, exercise is extremely important!

A person who has abused their body with excessive tobacco usage, alcohol, junk food (it's called junk for a very good reason). A person who dabbles in illegal substances or even succumbs to the pressure of big pharma. 

Instead of looking into things they could do to improve their health, they allow a medical doctor to prescribe multiple pharmaceuticals.

It makes a huge difference between a person who takes care of their body like a temple or lets it run down like a crack house.

There are far too many crack houses walking around.  😏

My main point is this, take care of your body, it will take care of you!