Flattery or Delusion

Having had time to mull over the events of the past few months, a thought occurred to me. As one who is a deep thinker, some may say that I am an over-thinker. They can say it. Like a belly button, the only one their opinions make a dent in, is them.

As I was walking my 10 laps in the dog park this morning, I began thinking of the relationship between Steve Szasz & myself. Questions I most likely won't get the answers to. It might be a healthy approach to be content with the lack of answers to what I wonder about. The ones who could answer my questions are out of touch. Maybe it's best to just stop wondering altogether or at the least put it aside.

As far as what my feelings are, I still love Steve, have loved him deeply since that first, memorable kiss. 

It's part of my nature, once I have truly loved someone, I will always love them. 

A person has to hurt me so deeply a whole helluva lot for me to stop loving them. That happened in the marriage I was in, then divorced the one who had deliberately hurt me so deeply, so many times. He succeeded in killing the love as well as respect I had for him.

Not Steve. 

His words & actions with me were mostly loving, playful, kind, introspective. Sometimes a bit angry, sometimes a bit naughty, all in good fun. He would have every reason to be angry as his world was being turned upside down, ripped apart in his parents' messy divorce while he was still a minor.

Maybe the reasons he didn't want to meet in person was that he didn't have the same feelings for me that he once did. If he ever truly did. Maybe it was limerence or an intense adolescent crush. Yeah, I do question it, now. Looking back to when I was a teenager vs having the perspective of an adult with more life experience.

                                    "Heavy sigh"

Maybe he was a bit lonely & having long phone conversations with me was a way to stave off his own loneliness. It could have been that I was a "safe" person who he knew would appreciate his bawdy humor, loved him, still loved him despite our differences. Possibly his feelings toward me weren't all that special to him any more despite that he told me they were.

Actions are more accurate than words. It seemed that I was just someone to talk to. That he was a bit lonely, just being kind, thinking I might also be a bit lonely. 

I wasn't.

Yet, conversing for 3 hours at a time?

Although I choose to be alone most of the time, I'm very rarely lonely. Not dating, not even romancing the bone.

Embracing hobbies I'm passionate about, traveling when I want to, having life enriching experiences. So much personal growth to experience at my pleasure. Things I couldn't do or do in the way I want to if I had followed the urge to merge.

It could be that he was spending so much time speaking with me on the phone instead of in person for the same reason a dog licks a popsicle. Because they are allowed to do it.

Whatever the feelings or reasons were that he had or didn't have.

I will never know.

It does make me feel a bit sad, even a bit silly that I may have been deluding myself. 

Maybe it was all one sided, all in my head. Not in his head nor heart. 

So mysteriously sad.

                   Here comes the tears

These ideas occurred to me as I walked the fauxvid pork off.

Although I'm very grateful for this good life I have, I had to work hard, go without food sometimes, sacrifice a lot, to have it. Seeing how life is for a few of my peers, many aspects of life, for me, are so much better than I had ever believed it could be.

It was all my doing to make several desires I had, come to fruition. Going to the Somewhere in Time weekend at The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island, MI with my sister as my guest.

Magical times at a Mirabilia Retreat in San Antonio. Meeting the designer of my favorite needlework patterns was a dream that I brought to life.

Vacationing in Hawai'i as a tourist, for 7 days, doing touristy things.

Being the sole person to shop for, choose, then pay cash for my own vehicle of my choosing. The ex-always did it all for every vehicle without consulting me. He forced it on me over & over against my protests. Really hated it when he did that.

So much more.

The point of all of this kapkar is that I have come to some realizations.

1. Possibly Steve no longer cared about me as he once did. Maybe he never did & it was all in my head. I can be a bit naive at times.

2. Knowing that I have a very good life, I'm grateful for it.

3. It's best to stay in forward motion, I'm young, still have many wondrous life experiences ahead of me.

4.  Many people don't understand intuition or spirituality, it's best to refrain from speaking of it to others. Atheism is based on no god or higher power, many also shun spirituality. Being cremated is a final chance to have a smoking hot body. I understand Atheism. When they are placed in their coffin, laid to rest, all dressed up with nowhere to go. 

As I move through time (getting older is optional) I will do so with an opened mind & closed heart. Having made a promise to myself that after having my trust betrayed, my heart shattered in 2012, that I would never allow it again. I was allowing it until I stopped allowing it. My heart, my responsibility, my own decision.

Being happy being me.

That's what seems to work best.

Having recently made some exciting changes in my life, I keep moving forward. Looking forward to what is coming toward me.