Yes, I'm still feeling the pain.
Is Steve still here or am I still feeling that he's here.
I feel him around me, feel the love for him in my heart, feel the ache.
If I could leave this existence, knowing what I know, now, I would go back & do things differently. When I hear anything by Fleetwood Mac or even opera music playing, the memories flood my mind, then the tears start. He had a very distinct natural scent that I have never smelled on anyone else or before I met him or since I met him.
It's hard to define. I'll try yet I doubt it will do justice.
A combo of lavender, testosterone, very light mint, leather, apple.
Weird, hmm?
Having a very sensitive sense of smell, a person's scent makes an impression on me.
As a polyglot & linguist by trade, the sound of a person's voice, accent, inflections, word choice, pitch, they all matter to me. Steve had it all going on for him. So loveable, so charming. So brash.
After I got "the news" I'm finding lots of feathers. Having always encountered feathers that were gray or gray & white, it's something new that I'm finding Blue Jay feathers.
14 perfect beautiful vividly blue feathers.
One of the feathers was found very close to my home, that has never happened.
Is it a sign? Maybe it's a sign that there are some naked birds out there.
In my soul, all these are the way my love for him has been since the first time he asked if he could kiss me.
Yes, he asked. So passionate, tempered by chivalry. He was semi joking when he asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I hadn't. Very few things surprised him or shocked him. My answer did both.
His reply:
"Then, Brenda, will you give me the honor of being the first guy you willingly kiss, that is, if you are willing. Let me lay it on you!"
Bittersweet
Still dealing with the pain
Like a lava flow churning
It hurts so deep
Flowing fast it's burning
It's possible to stop it
If I can possibly choose
Would you ever do it
Living in my shoes
Honoring that man
With the love I feel
Still feels so fresh
Still feels deeply real
Knowing him for a short time
As I know we both did
Everything was so truthful
Nothing we felt was hid
Now I endure the pain
Now I remember the joy
Of the deep love we had
Starting as a teen girl & teen boy
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
It's odd. I, only halfway believe that Steve passed on. Halfway, in kind, believe he is still alive. My intuition tells me that he is bound or restrained somehow, not really deceased. Is he bound in flesh & blood or bound in spirit? idk.
Several of his accounts are still active.
I didn't have to hack to see that, though, I know how.
Hacking is illegal.
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