People say:
It'll get better
I'll pray for you
Keep your chin up
Turn that frown upside down
What they really mean is:
I can't be bothered by your problems; I have my own
I want an easy out
(you will never know if they prayed for you or not)
Take care of it yourself, I'm busy
Just smile so that I won't feel like a bad person if I don't care
Psychology Today found, in a study where the respondents were anonymous:
80% of people can't be bothered with other people's problems
18% of people are glad that other people have problems, too
2% actually cared just not enough to do anything to help.
When did apathy become more prevalent than empathy?
I have my own theories.
When the common availability of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-everything else, happened when the patients who took the prescription meds, their urine contained traces of their meds.
Yep, flushed down the loo, into public water supply. Water treatment plants may filter particles plus some other substances. Just, not completely eliminating the traces of meds.
Many people drink the water, bathe in it, use it for cooking, watering their gardens. The meds in the water are ingested or absorbed through the skin.
This is not to say that people ought to not take meds to help them with life's ailments. Just being aware of what is in your water supply, then, taking appropriate measures is important.
Whether it's effective or not, I began triple filtering my water, over a decade ago.
I'm sure I could benefit from some of the meds to help with depression, with anxiety, with other stuff. When I brought my Doberman puppy home on March 8th, he has done so much for me just by being with me. Dobermans are very clingy, which I love. Also, the breed is known for being very intelligent, playful & trainable. Also, very protective, constantly alert, thinking, scanning for the possibility of a threat or food, they love their food!
Maybe I could have named my boy, Zoloft? He has the same effect!
Nah, he's PJ! (a short version of Poseidon Jack).
PJ seems to fit him well. He's growing very fast. Only 6 months of age, nearly 60 lbs. He will be a big boy when he's adult age.
Part of my anxiety was when a person would walk across my front or back lawn. With PJ doing his thunderous Dobie yodel, I have no fear! Having had 4 stalkers, yeah, it traumatized me a bit.
Most people who hear that Dobie yodel won't grace my front door or even my back door. No euphemisms, here.
Recently when I got the news that my first love had passed on, it was completely devastating.
Steve Szasz has always been in my heart, on my mind since I was 16, so, a minute ago. The first time he asked so sweetly if he could kiss me, the answer was yes. He was the first guy I ever kissed. I fell so hard for Steve, loved him ever since then. PJ seemed to sense my deep sadness. He began to stick extra close to me, has continued to stick closer than before Steves sister, Leslie, told me of his passing. The first time I let myself really let loose to grieve, to cry as I remembered him, PJ cocked his head to the side, then, wrapped his neck over my shoulder, softly whimpered.
He knew I was feeling so sad.
Every evening before bedtime if I don't have to work, I take an ice bath. Of course, PJ goes where I go. Even the bathroom. Everywhere except my bedroom. I'm not one to sleep with my pets. Of any sort.
I'm not that kind of girl.
Tonight, I decided to make use of my time off to clean out folders & my email inbox. Looking through emails of long ago.
There it was.
The folder I had kept emails & photos from Steve Szasz, in. The pictures he sent.
Oh, the pictures!
The memories his photos & emails made me recall with such clarity.
My heart began racing, then the tears started.
Will my heart ever heal?
Do I even want my heart to stop hurting?
Steve is so worth whatever pain I'm experiencing, worth all of it & then some.
The things Steve used to say began to play in loops through my mind. His "isms" aka Steve-isms. No man has had the exact same effect that Steve or his words had on me, since him.
I won't sugar coat it.
He could also say some very cutting, mean things like he said to me on more than a few occasions. I'm no angel. I said some mean things to him, too.
Just a couple of passionate people who could give as good as we both got.
Something Steve & I did because we were two broke teenagers, we would spar with each other. One time as he laid on his back on the carpeted floor of the basement in his parents' home on Clintonville Road in Clarkston, Michigan. I laid there, next to him, my head on his chest, drinking in his scent.
He always smelled so good to me; it was his natural scent.
We would try to out smart-ass each other. Laughing about it the whole time. He would say something, and I would start giggling, then he would tickle me a little to prolong the giggle. It gave me more time to think so I could try to top what he had said. Then, he would try not to smile, try not to laugh.
He tried.
And failed.
He would laugh so deep, so long then say,
"Good one, Burrennndah Baby!"
Good times.
One time in particular, it went like this:
Steve: Anyone who drinks Coke instead of Pepsi is an idiot.
Brenda: And if that someone drinks too much wine or beer, they become even more of an idiot.
Steve: Not if they are listening to La Boheme & it's a good wine.
Brenda: What if the idiot was mixing coke & a good wine while they were at a live opera.
Steve: It would depend on if they were as good looking as you or me.
Brenda: What if it was a good-looking woman in a tuxedo or a good looking guy in a stunning dress, heels & jewels.
Steve: Giving me his classic "You've gotta be shi**ing me, look." He disapproved with: "EWWWWWWWWWWW! People have been murdered for saying something so wrong."
Brenda: Are you going to kill me now?
Steve: Yes! I'm going to tickle you to death then, I'll take your virginity, give you a nice organism & your father & brother will kill me!
Brenda: Then we will die together, in each other's arms.
Steve: Kill-joy!
Then, we would both laugh about it. Just lying there, looking into each other's eyes with the wheels in our brains, turning.
We would hear his mother upstairs telling us we had better have our clothes on when she walked downstairs. We weren't having sex or even making out. Our connection was deeper than that.
Soul to soul.
Just having fun, sparring, laughing. Cheap entertainment!
It's my hope to grow ever mindful of my words as I move through time.
Getting older is optional.
I have a 6 month old puppy boy to keep me on my toes, feeling like I'm closer to 20 than my actual age. When people ask me my age just out of curiosity, wanting to stereotype me, put me in a box they might believe I belong in.
People ought to be put in a box only after they are dead.
I'm not dead, yet, not even close though, in truth, I wish I were deceased.
If it would mean that I could be with Steve, I would gladly die but only after cleaning my home really well.
I still feel like he is around me, have even smelled his unique scent a couple times. That's something that has always happened, nothing new. Maybe it's because I recall his scent so vividly, I can actually smell it. Still wonder why he didn't come to me right after his passing. If he actually did.
December 31, 2019.
(I will not think of New Years Eve the same, now)
Several loved ones have visited me after passing.
In my heart I want to believe that he is still alive, that I will get a phone call from him, any day, soon. A dream come true.
My children no longer need me. I taught them to be self-sufficient & now, they are. I never thought I would see the day when I wouldn't even have their mailing addresses. That I wouldn't be at the weddings of half of my children. It was such a heartbreak to not be there. All the time, work, sacrifice, patience with them, all the love & wasn't even allowed to reap at least a little joy in being there when they took such a huge step in life.
The one daughter who consistently shows her love for me in her words & actions is doing very well. She & I speak by phone most Sundays. She loves to give practical gifts.
I think I learned it from her!
She gifted a Frameo to me, which I really love! It's an 8x10 picture frame that is connected online. She sends pictures to me. I get an alert sound when she sends me photos.
Love Love Love.
It was so funny, to me, when an acquaintance asked me who set it up for me, to access the internet, as there are few if any kiddos in my life in this town. Some people cling to the ignorance that people over the age of 40 need a teenager to set their electronics up.
Similar to the ignorance of some people assuming that people over the age of 40 or 50 are not tech savvy unless they work in that profession.
Yeah, skippy, I actually know how to text, how to write computer programs, how to set up a new cell phone all my byself. Hacking is illegal so I would never do it, I do know how.
Also know how to do just about everything to do with the internet. Just because I choose to refrain from cluttering my life with so many new gadgets or spend my money on them doesn't mean I don't know how to set them up or use them
It's a choice.
My youngest daughter would be very sad if I died, to stand a chance of being wherever Steve is. She would still be fine without me. My puppy boy would go back to the breeders & he would be just fine, too.
When someone is ill mannered enough to insist on asking my age, I tell them that my age is between 18 & 300, closer to 18.
Then there's something I borrowed from Steve. He would sometimes say that if someone wanted something from him, they would have to pay his price, first
"If you want to know my age you will have to give me your credit card number, the CVC & your pin number. The privileged information you're asking me for, has a price."
Ante up, Auntie Emm.
Steve would love this:
As Steve would often say ~
"If you want me to do anything for you, you'll have to pay me!"
When I received the photo, I told him that I could never do that, that I would have a panic attack or a heart attack.
He responded with, "If there was room for two on that thing, I'd give you a Steve attack, so your heart would be safe. There might be room, it would be a tight squeeze which I'd also like, the ropes might give."
He was at work, hanging off of a high rise building on ropes/scaffolding, cleaning windows.
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