I Just Close My Eyes

Tonight

Who knows what tomorrow brings?

Not I, said the fly.

Some people will say that they know the future, they just might, I don't know what the future brings. The comfort I get from telling the ones dear to my heart that I love them, because I don't know what will happen in the coming days, weeks. Certainly, the same goes for the months, the years yet to be.

As sappy as some might believe it to be, as if it's wrong to tell someone you love, that you love them, that expressing love to someone dilutes or takes away the meaning of the feeling.

In my truth, it strengthens the meaning. It takes courage, for me, every time to say those words that make me vulnerable, that still make my heart pump a bit harder. 

I only say it when & if I mean it.

I don't allow many people into my home, just one of my many charms. Ha ha, I have at least two charming qualities.

Over a dinner of homemade pizza, my "special recipe" garlic bread & a yummy spinach salad, a guy friend was visiting me for a few days. He told me that he knew that I didn't allow people into my home. That he knew that I especially didn't allow men into my home unless the guy had shown himself to be trustworthy. 

He was right.

He knows why.

That was a surprise to me.

He knows what I've been through. That being allowed to stay with me, sleeping in my guestroom is all I can do. He can stay in my home, eat the home cooked meals that I love to prepare, he will never get into my heart as a lover.

He knows why, he still visits me time after time, I like that. Sometimes, when life gets a bit too heavy, as I must handle it on my own, I just close my eyes, remembering the good times with a friend.

Tonight, he called me, just to talk. My heart did a little happy jump when I saw, on caller ID, that it was him. 

He told me that there was something he wanted to tell me.

I thought, o jeez, what could it be!

He told me that when he was in a tough spot, having difficulty keeping his head clear, that my voice or simply recalling my voice on the phone, was enough to calm him. He said that all he has to do is just close his eyes, think of our deep conversations, it helps him.

*sigh of relief* from me.

He said that the sound of my voice, to him, was like baby blue soft stuff with little bits of sparkle.

It takes a man who is secure in his masculinity to say that!

Hmm.

I didn't know what to say, so, I said "thank you".

It was the sweetest words anyone has said to me in a long time. Because I'm so isolated (by choice), working from home online, 80 hours per week or more, I'm not around other people very much.

Add to that, once a woman is past the age of 30 - 40, if she is unmarried, not wanting to be in the dating world (like me) not dating at all, she's not going to be complimented, told she is pretty or hot or beautiful, by anyone.

It was nice to receive a sincere compliment from someone who knows me so well. Someone who still enjoys visiting me, knowing that when I said it would only ever be platonic, I meant it, he respects that.

Coming from a rough childhood, filled with the joys of verbal abuse, a raging alcoholic father, a selfish mother, there were people who helped me through. A family who became a safe haven for me meant so much to me. When I was going through one of the hardest times in my life, after the man who had been like a father to me had passed on, I was in deep emotional pain. The woman, his wife, who was like a mother to me along with her 2 sons who were like brothers to me, for their own reasons, they all abandoned me. Turned their backs on me, cut off all contact.

They had been there during my childhood.

I had completely trusted them. Loved them with all of my heart. They were saying they loved me one minute, rejected me in the next. Metaphorically speaking. I had a very distinct impression that it was about money, as the man had been like a father to me. He had told me that he had left a "gift" to me in his will as he knew he was dying. His wife & sons cut off contact with me, mistakenly thinking that they could keep the money that was left to me, from me. Keeping it for themselves. 

It hurt so badly to know of their low integrity, choosing lies, greed, lack of love. Purposefully withholding from me something that could have made such a positive difference in my life.

When my marriage was falling apart, I went to Florida to clear my head, to stay with my aunt who I had loved, respected, admired. She was like a burst of sunshine in my heart when I was a child. Every time she visited or phoned or sent a gift or a card or a letter to me, it gave me hope that I could get out of my parents' house for good. It made me feel so safe, secure in the knowledge that she loved me as much as she did.

When I arrived at her home, I sat down with her, made sure that it was really okay with her for me to stay a few months. I asked her what amount of money she would like me to pay. As an adult, I knew it was important for me to pull my weight.

She said she didn't know, so, I offered to pay $300. per month to help with expenses. She said she would think about it. A week later, I had seen that she paid her bills at the first of the month, so, again, I offered $300. or what amount she thought would be fair. A week later, when the first of the month was coming up, I asked her what amount she wanted me to contribute. Again, she said she didn't know.

That night, before I went to bed I put three, $100s on the kitchen counter with a short note. The next day was the 1st of the month. She had left for work, the money was not on the counter. It made me happy to pay my way, to be fair to the beloved aunt of my childhood.

My aunt has a beautiful home that she keeps quite orderly. I had some breakfast, was cleaning up in the kitchen. When I went to put something in the trash, the $300. was in the trash.

I thought that maybe she had put the money in the trash by mistake. I fished it out, cleaned it off, wrote a new note, put it with the money on the counter.

I left for the gym, to get a good workout.

I went back to her house after the gym, started cooking dinner so she could have a nice meal when she got home. She came in, asked me what was on the counter, I told her that it was money for her from me to help with expenses. She picked the money up, threw it at me, told me that if she needed it, she would ask me. 

And so it went.

Every time I brought the subject of money, up, it seemed to upset her, so, I stopped bringing it up, hoping that she would, at some point, work out an amount for me to give her monthly.

She never did.

She seemed to be happy, having me there. She would sometimes pick me up after work, we would go out for dinner. I started noticing that she would have at least 4 glasses of wine with dinner, sometimes 6. After all, it was two glasses for the price of one.

It scared me so badly that she even drove home afterward. I had never been much of a drinker at all at that point in my life, so, even when she ordered 2 glasses of wine, saying it was one for me & one for her. She knew I wouldn't touch it & she couldn't let good wine go to waste. So, she would have 3 glasses before dinner was served then 3 more with dinner.

She wouldn't let me help pay for dinner, so, she let me leave the tip. She did take me out for my birthday at Epcott. We had a really good time, there. I chose the Italy section of Epcott, for lunch. When we entered the restaurant, were seated, I was looking at the prices, asking her if it was still okay & she finally told me to shut up, not worry & have a good birthday.

BOY DID WE HAVE A GREAT TIME!

Our server was a very hot, charming, almost uncomfortably handsome guy who was Italian. As in, the talent scouts from the Disney Corporation "found him" in Italy, brought him to the USA to work there.

OMFG!

My aunt & I had so much fun. She wouldn't tell me how much that lunch had cost. She did, however, talk about it for months, to everyone, about what a great time we had, that it was worth it. 

She still didn't bring up the subject of money, as in, how much she might need from me. I didn't want to upset her.

A couple weeks later, we were invited to visit another Aunt & Uncle who lived nearby. We were having dinner at my aunt & uncles home, when my aunt brought up the subject of money. She smiled at me as she bold face lied to my other aunt & uncle, about how I thought money grows on trees. Also that I was staying with her for free, not giving her even a dime! I tried to defend myself, no one would listen to me.

My mother was the youngest of 5 girls, she was very wild. She started smoking & drinking, sneaking out of the house to meet with boys, early in her teens. 

My mother was just as wild as she was beautiful.

She had curly red hair, large, brown soulful eyes with a mischievous glint. Pretty enough to be a danger to herself was what my grandfather often said.

She dropped out of high school, married a "bad boy" in a small church wedding, didn't even let her parents know she was getting married.

Mom could be very charming, was great at charming men and for some reason her sisters believed I was just like her.

I was never as wild as my mother was. Although I know I was truly as in love as a 17 year old girl could be with a 17 year old guy, I did graduate from High School. I left, shortly after graduation, to serve in the United States Air Force. When I married, I married for love, not because I was expecting a precious child. Our first baby was born more than a year after we married.

Still, I could see that my mothers 2 sisters believed me to be just like my mother. Maybe, they still believe it. It's their wrongful belief.

Shortly after that dinner, we went back to my aunts home. I was hoping that she would ask me for a specific amount of money. Instead of that, she answered a phone call. I was sitting right next to her as she gossiped about private matters of the lives of other family members. As if that wasn't shocking enough, she looked straight at me, started telling whoever was on the other end of the phone, aspects of MY LIFE that I had told her in confidence, asking her to please not share it with anyone else.

I was so shocked.

She told the person on the phone that she had her niece (me) staying with her and that I just wouldn't leave. That, having me there was like having a g---d--- 5 year old. 

I was even more shocked.

The tears began rolling down my face. The phone call ended. My aunt looked straight at me, said,

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why don't you just go and dry up!"

I told her that I would pack & leave soon. I told her that I was sorry to inconvenience her, that if she had wanted me to leave, that she could have told me.

Before she walked into her bedroom, she called over her shoulder, "Don't let the door hit you on your way out!"

My grandma Kendall, (my aunts mother) as much as I loved her, and I did love her so much, was very opinionated. She could be a very cross person at times, with very sharp, mean ways of talking. 

I started to see that my aunt was more like her than I had known.

I had spent the night packing, was figuring out transportation back to face my crumbling marriage.

When my aunt came home from work, she told me that she wanted me to stay. It was so confusing.

We went out for dinner that evening, she told me not to pay attention to what she said.

More confusion.

She had 8 glasses of wine that night. I was so scared as she insisted, she could still drive. Every time I saw a police car, it scared me. I was so afraid she would get arrested for DWI. We got home, safe, much to my relief. I still loved her so much as the kind aunt during my childhood. One who was a ray of hope for me to know I could grow up & leave my parents home.

So many more similar episodes happened after that. When another one of my aunts came to visit, along with my brother & 3 cousins, the aunt I was staying with was so unkind to the aunt who came to visit. 

The aunt who traveled in a crowded van with 4 other people was wheel chair bound. The aunt I was staying with was so nasty and mean to her, she hurt her so much she cried. I comforted her, wiped her tears, brushed her hair, remembering how sweet she had been to me when I was a child. When my aunt went with her company to do a bit of sight-seeing, I stayed with the aunt who was visiting to keep her company. She didn't want to be alone.

The situation became so bad, with the aunt I was staying with, after her company left, she became very drunk one night and tried to hit me. I knew it was time to leave. My aunt clearly wasn't going to sit down, have a conversation with me, talk with me about what was bothering her.

My favorite cousin who I hadn't seen in a long time was coming to visit to celebrate my aunt & uncles 50th Wedding Anniversary. I decided that I would leave shortly after the anniversary celebration.

I wasn't going to tell my aunt as I didn't want to risk her anger, again. I was doing damage control, hoping to leave while we were both being civil to each other.

In reality, I was the one being civil, she was something else.

When my aunt found out that I was going to be flying back to Colorado from Florida, she insisted on driving me to the airport. Her parting words when I got out of the car were, 

"Good riddance!"

She was just like my grandmother, except, I always knew that my grandmother loved me. After one of her fits of temper she would always come to me later, make a big show of hugging me. She would say, "Oh! You know I always love you, anyway." 

That was grandmas way of apologizing. My aunt was actually just mean.

So, I'm not very close to my blood related family, geographically, anyway. The last time I saw them was 2008. I do love them & I know that my brothers and sister who are still living love me though we don't visit very often.

On each of my siblings birthdays, I have a special home made dinner, a cupcake or small cake if others are with me. Even my brother & sister who have passed on, I think of them, wish them a happy angel birthday.

I just close my eyes, remember them with love in my heart.

Among my 2 brothers & sister who are still alive, make that alive and kicking, I do the same. My brothers, sisters & me were all, still are, very playfully feisty people. 

I love that about them.

Tonight, after such a good phone conversation, with my guy friend, it caused me to reflect on so many lovely things. Gratitude for good friends, the birds that sing outside my window, enjoyment of the plumeria cutting from Hawai'i, looking forward to the time when it buds then blooms.

This is how I live my life:

Dealing with the events of life as to how they happen & when

Gratitude for a peaceful life I have built for myself

Also for sweet memories to hold in my heart

I just close my eyes I'm there again