Still There

Sometimes there are no words to express how a person feels. Not me, I rarely experience a loss for words to express myself.

Although it's been a year since my first loves sister told me he had passed on, it still feels like he is alive. I feel him in my heart, still.

The ache for him is still there. The memories, the total recall of photos of him.

Last year at around this time, I found 45 blue jay feathers. This year I have not found even one. People have explained it away in several ways. Such as it being a fluke that several blue jays were molting at the same time. That the birds molted late because of the weather. That could very well be the reason. I try to not read into it. Just enjoyed the wonder, the beauty of those beautiful perfectly colored feathers.

Then, there was the influx of coins I began finding. An explanation of that is that maybe I was looking downward more often out of my confusion & grief. Having always found coins, then finding many more than usual, makes me think, hmmm. On a few evening walks with PJ, I began finding $2. - $5. in coins. A small amount of money that looked like a lot in quarters, dimes, nickels & pennies.

When I was so broke I couldn't even afford to pay attention (a joke)I found a $100. in the parking lot at Walmart very late one night. It was just lying on the ground, partially covered by snow. Also, when I was at the laundromat that not many people go to, I was getting out of my car, I nearly tripped on 2 rolls of quarters. There were no people there, so no one to ask if they had dropped it.

It's difficult to put into words, I will do my best. Steve was misinterpreted as a bit harsh at times when a subject came up that he was very passionate about. His passion was far from being harsh, he had strong feelings that ran deep in his analytical mind.

With me, there was a softness in nearly everything he said & did. I feel that softness whenever I recall anything about him, including his "you gotta be sh*tting me" look. 

On one of my trips to Michigan when my daughter, Heather was 18 months of age, Steve & I were in a grocery store. He was fascinated by her. He watched her intently. Then, he told me that if he and I had married then had children, he wondered what they would have looked like. Would they have blue eyes? Green eyes? Maybe even brown eyes? Would they be "blondies? Would they have my mother's curly red hair? It was something that stayed with me. It made me wonder the same thing.

I KNOW!

People who knew Steve would say that Steve always said that he would never marry, didn't want to have children. In the love letters he wrote that I still have, he wrote about that very thing. Making plans to get married, start our own family, have 2 children

SO THERE!

As I write this blog entry, the tears have been flowing. 

The ache is palpable. The pain is as real as the clouds in the sky, less fleeting by far.

People have asked me how I maintained the same feelings for Steve, though I was married to someone else for so long.

The answer is that the ex-huzz did so many heartless things to me as well as setting me up several times for others to humiliate me. 

On our drive from California to Nebraska we made a stopover in Utah to pick up my sister, Julie. After having lunch at The Old Spaghetti Factory, we were on our way back to my sisters apartment. Julie pointed out a mother duck & her ducklings as they were crossing the road in front of us. The road had almost no traffic. He swerved to purposely mow down a mother duck & her little ducklings while driving our minivan. He did it out of spite because he didn't like something I said to him. It horrified me & my sister. It was very fortuitous that our 2 little girls were seated far back enough that they didn't see that their daddy ran over the mother duck & her ducklings on purpose, without flinching. 

The ex huzz lured me into what he termed as a "family meeting". It was actually a long barrage of his sister & brothers verbally assaulting me for over an hour. I was not allowed to speak & the ex huzz even blocked the door so I couldn't leave. He subjected me to such humiliation on four separate occasions.

Instead of being an adult, he stooped to freezing me out for several days to as long as 2 weeks at a time. He never apologized or even told me why. He did this on a regular basis. It contributed to killing my love & respect for him.

The ex huzz constantly lied to me, spent money behind my back. When our second precious daughter was just 6 months of age, he realized that his verbal abuse had toughened me so that it was harder for him to upset me. He found a way to upset me. He started telling me, 

"You're all used up after 2 babies"

He constantly said that to me for the rest of the time we were married. He delighted in upsetting me to the point of sobs & tears.

This is just the top 5 that killed my love & respect for him.

Steve was never so consistently brutal in his treatment of me.

So, yep, I'm alone again, back in the pain pit. Self inflicted? Maybe. My heart wants to remember Steve. I want to remember his isms, his brashness, his softness with me. All of this that causes pain also because I love him so much.

The one person I could speak of him with, his sister, I feel that I made her feel uncomfortable with things I felt safe sharing with her.

Maybe I over-shared, for that I feel remorse. Never wanted her to feel sad or scared or that I was mentally ill.

She is such a precious person whom I would never want to hurt in any way. Because I didn't want to hurt her, I stopped calling or texting her. It's a way to show my love for her. If I can't help someone, I, at least, will refrain from hurting them. It's important.

More important than the pain I feel at no longer being able to speak of Steve, with her. I still think of her, sometimes. She has contact information for me. If she called me on the phone, it would be nice.

If not, I respect her feelings.

Having always had dreams about Steve, it feels good to have them with none of the guilt trip the ex huzz laid on me about it. He would often speak of ex girlfriends, even a prom date. If I mentioned anything like that, he became angry, jealous, would freeze me out for several days, sometimes as long as 2 weeks. Sometimes he would freeze me out until he became so horny he couldn't stand it. Then, when I didn't rejoice & fall happily into bed with him, he sometimes resumed the freeze out. I believe that it's why the divorce was easier on me, emotionally, he had already taught me, by his childish freeze outs, how to live without him.

He had a very hard time, emotionally & mentally, figuring out how to live without me. 

He phoned me, several times, crying, not knowing what to do with the 2 teenagers he had spoiled & taught that I was of no value, that I was unworthy of respect from them, after all, I was "just" their mother.

 Now, when I have had one of the many dreams about Steve, I can cogitate on it throughout the day.

Keep your mind out of the gutter, lol.

The dreams are about Steve & I, married, with children, sharing our lives with each other. Without the Clark, jerk, influencing him. I know I could have helped him escape his nicotine addiction if it was his wish to do so. In my dreams he has kicked the "paper sucking". He's in a career he loves. Even in my actual dreams, there is a bit of conflict that he and I work out, together. 

We are happy. 

It's perfectly imperfect.

So, to conclude, although I'm sobbing, the front of my T Shirt is wet with my tears. It's a happy ache, I choose this. Steve was the first person outside of family members who made me feel loved. He said it & backed it up with actions.

My parents didn't love me; they made that clear.

Especially my mother who constantly told me she didn't love me. She reiterated that if she wasn't bound by law to feed me, clothe & shelter me, she wouldn't be doing it. Geez. Thanks, mom.

I had exactly one conversation with my father that didn't result in a violent beating with his thick leather belt. He even cut me out of his will after he passed on. That's real love. 

Thanks, dad. 

Yeah, it's sarcasm.

The first time Steve kissed me & told me he loved me was one of the high points in my life. 

I will choose to remember him, choose to keep the love I have for him, in my heart. For me, that's what love is, even when it hurts.