ID The Fear

Being truthful, I'm stuck.

A big mistake was to hang around with people who had "stuck" energy around them. After a while, I became stuck, too. Motivation took a nosedive. It leeched into many aspects of my life experience. Blaming my weight gain on the fauxvid shut down is partially true. Just as King Henry VIII endeavored to erase Anne Boleyn & Katherine from history, prior aspects of my core were being eroded little by little.

Although it was my choosing, so, taking responsibility for my part, it was like the adage of how to boil a frog.

The heat was very low at first.

The weight gain crept up on me very slowly. 

As the weight crept up, my energy level which has always been high, began to ebb.

My house suffered right alongside me.

Doing anything such as working out or doing housework, left me feeling drained. As my house suffered, it became a daunting effort to bring my housekeeping standards up to my own acceptable level. It felt so overwhelming.

As many aspects occur in twos, sometimes threes, the slobbery dragon of depression set upon me. Similar to a Gorn attack. Just as slobbery, more mental/emotional/spiritual than physical.

UGH

First, the room in the house where I spend most of my time. The bedroom. Before bringing PJ home, I worked, slept & ate there. It was the only part of the house where the AC worked.

When the main AC worked, I spent my time in the house mainly at the kitchen table. The house I'm renting has a very cool feature. It has a six feet table, embedded in the structure of the house. It appears to be floating with no table legs to support it.

In the summer months, I take an ice bath in the evenings. 

It is what it sounds like. I run a bathtub full of warm water. Then 2 - 10-gallon buckets of ice dumped into the water. Take a breath & lay down in the ice water. Stay there until all ice is melted. So, refreshing & cooling from the Texas summer heat. When I bought my side-by-side fridge, the ice maker & dispenser was a must.

In the winter months - yes it does get cold - I take a warm sea salt soak instead of an ice bath. Equally refreshing, in a warm way. After my vacation to Hawai'i in 2018, I met a local guy at the Stadium Swap Meet. He grew his own macadamia nut trees, sold the nuts. I don't understand the process of harvesting salt from the ocean, he sells that, too. He showed me a video on his phone of him & his crew harvesting the sea salt or ocean salt. Fascinating.

He was a very captivating person. He offered me some pakalolo, too. I had to decline. It was tempting. I love my career; it would be unfortunate if I was screened after returning to Texas. Have been buying my sea salt & fresh unsalted macadamia nuts from him since then.

Digressing back. 

After I brought PJ home, I began spending most of my time in the bedroom again. In addition to sleeping, I eat, work, indulge in needlework projects. If I am in a part of the house where PJ can hear & see me, he will be crying to get out of his crate at night or if he's out he will be in my lap. It makes doing almost anything a bit tricky. I love him so much, he's so worth all aspects of living with him, come what may.

As a result, the bedroom suffered the most. My needlework projects are all over everywhere. I DO finish projects. The designs I ply with gold needles, yes, actual gold-plated needles, are self-kitted. Working on several at a time. They are all in the bedroom.

Having tried to narrow it down to just 4, it was narrowed to 10. That's as low as it will ever be.

Okay, maybe 20, if the truth is told. Have completed 3 since then. Small ones. Completed, just the same. A plumeria fob for my hula girl scissors. Stitched over one on antique white 28 linen.

The plumeria is almost 1" side to side, top to bottom.

A mermaid fob for my rainbow scissors.

Taking the rest to put in the storage room. That's progress. It sounds easier than it actually is. Doing intricate needlework is a big part of life for me, it has been since forever. Separating some to go to the storage room is an emotional move, sighs & tears.

The containers in the storage room contain emotional time bombs.

It's why I have avoided doing it. 

Knowing that the ex huzz would dump everything I had to leave, in the garage, either in a landfill or donate to a thrift store. All of the irreplaceable mementos of my childrens childhoods would be tossed out as none of it mattered to him. Sorting through all that I brought with me is painful.

Tonight, I did one large tub, 3 smaller ones. Tomorrow, I'll donate them. 

Sleep?

What's that?

I don't have to work for the next 2 days.

Perfect.

More room in my back storage room means I can clear clutter, maybe even put a washer & dryer back there, it has the hook ups. Right now, I feel so empowered, best to stop, take a breather, go back to it tomorrow. Burn out kills motivation. 

Today is a few days after I started this entry. Taking the large tub of Christmas decorations, plus 3 smaller ones, I added a set of luggage that is no longer needed. My new luggage is so snazzy.  

Before taking a road trip to Ohio & Michigan, I bought a new set of luggage that was just too beautiful to resist. It's my keeper.

While I still work on decluttering, every small amount that lightens my load is a victory.