Sweetie Pie

When I take road trips it's always there, a gift from my second daughter. A holder for my cellie, voice navigation. Such a useful modern invention. My second daughter gave the cellie holder to me, even installed it on my dash for me. Every time I see it, I think of her.

When my daughter was very small, she was very shy. She would burrow her face into my chest to avoid attention from strangers. It was so sweet. She was born with straight brown hair. As she grew, her hair naturally curled into beautiful little ringlets around her sweet face. Soft red streaks began to emerge in her hair. My mother had the same curly hair, curly, beautiful bright red.

As time went on, my daughter showed signs of being very intelligent while also being a sensitive little soul. 

My little apple, close to my tree.

Constantly, I worked hard on myself to be kind, to be mindful of my sensitive little sweetie pie. Because I had a childhood where my boundaries & my feelings were constantly breeched, I had to be so mindful of her feelings though I know I failed more than a few times. 

I was not a perfect mother, though I tried so hard to be. To give my children warm fuzzies even as their dad undermined my efforts.

As my sweetie pie grew, she struggled with sensitivity, self-esteem, confidence. I did whatever I could think of to help her. When I received a large amount of money, I gave it up so she could go to a special camp, dedicated to showing love & care to teenagers.

She loved it! Came home just glowing, happy, it was worth the money, to me. Expensive, $1200. Worth it, to me. To see her glow.

There was a song I had heard on a streaming service. 

"She Don't Know She's Beautiful"

To help my sweetie pie feel loved, I bought the CD. When she came home from anywhere, I'd put that song on, dance her around the kitchen & living room. It made her smile & laugh.

Now, when I'm in my car or out in public, when that song plays, I try to stop the bittersweet tears. I fail every time.

When my sweetie pie was turning 3 (?) we were on an airplane. She fell asleep, I decorated her seat. Tried to wake her up in time to hear the captain leading the whole plane in the "Happy Birthday" song. It took some work on my part. I don't know if she remembers it or not.

When she was about to be 11, we were a USAF military family living in Kaiserslautern, Germany. She had loved lambs since before she was born. She did summersaults in my womb whenever a sound of a lamb played. Although, our house was all packed up, prepping for a move to Howard AFB, Canal Zone, Republica de Panama.

I borrowed some lamb; personal size cake pans. Borrowed a baby bathtub for a "treasure" dig. Borrowed a lamb, yes, a real lamb for the day. I couldn't give her a lamb as a pet as we were military, constantly moving. I could give her a lamb birthday party, including the lamb. 

I went to a German store to buy 4 lbs of viola seeds, aka johnny jump ups. Portioning them out, each party guest had a turn walking the lamb & scattering flower seeds through the forest. People who have gone to that spot have told me that it looks like a little fairy land. That the little flowers line the path through the forest behind the place where we had lived at the time. It's a legacy of my sweetie pie & my love for her.

When she was close to her 16th birthday, I wanted to give her a celebration. She & her older sister had gone to hula class to learn the beautiful art of hula. Hawai'ian Dance.

One of our neighbors let us use her huge backyard. We invited every one of her friends from school, everyone in the neighborhood, everyone from church & the hula group. 

My eldest created really nice invitations to pass out.

I counted over 300 people at the birthday party.

We had 100 lbs BBQ ribs, 100 lbs BBQ chicken, 15 sliced pineapples, 40 cups of cooked rice, 35 loaves of homemade bread. Sams biggest cake wasn't big enough, so, I bought 2. Plus 6 gallons of ice cream. My eldest & my sweetie pie put on a beautiful show, dancing for the crowd. It was so much work; it was so worth it! Afterward, I was exhausted, got a really nasty case of flu. 

I would still do it all again, to me, it's the fun part of being a mother.

When my sweetie pie left to go into the USAF, I cried so hard. Her father put all of her stuffed animals in the trash. I picked them out, saved them for her. Those stuffed animals were treasured momentos of her childhood. Treasured memories from those who loved her.

Now, my sensitive sweetie pie is all grown up. She has accomplished so much, I get a feeling that she is just getting started.

 

Him

There's something in the way he speaks. The way he carries himself. It's as if he knows himself very well. Knows who he is, what his mission in life is plus exactly what to do to fulfill it.

Confidence in spades.

Well mannered.

Articulate.

Intelligent.

When I spend time with him, I say to myself over & over:

"Hold onto those thick walls around your heart. Don't fall for him".

Then, I see his car advancing toward me. A nice, rugged looking car. A manly sort. 

He's just the right height, just the right build, a killer smile, always smells clean. That's important for my sensitive nose.

He's just right for hundreds of women.

We only talk.

About everything.

Not knowing if he is married or has a shack up honey or a steady girlfriend. It doesn't matter to me. 

In 2012 after having my trust deeply betrayed, I wrote a promise on my heart to be single & celibate.

It has worked well for me.

Spending my time helping others, working a lot, of course PJ is there for all of it. Have not traveled with PJ as of yet. 

Mr Wonderful even admires my dog.

Indulging in hobbies I'm passionate about. Yes! 

Every time he and I speak, I make my exit when he's about to ask me out for anything.

Hurting his feelings or his pride is far from what I would do. Knowing so well how it feels to be emotionally wounded, it would hurt me deeply to do that to him. This magnificent man.

Keeping our interactions casual is akin to being in very deep water, laboring to stay afloat, sinking or drowning is a no-fly zone. 

Falling in love is completely off the table.

Many people believe they have fallen in love when really, they have fallen in BS, unable to realize it.

Staying objective, living realistically, keeping my heart safe. The peace, happiness, even a bit of excitement that my 2012 decision has given me is worth more than anything.

If I could tell any single person as in unmarried, no bf/gf, no shack up, playing house. Someone who is suffering greatly from longing for a bf/gf, husband or wife, feeling the pain of loneliness.

I would tell you this.

The pain of loneliness is caused by fighting the adjustment to being alone. Fighting the contentment in your own company.

When a person learns to be happy being single, being content on their own, they won't be trapped by gravitating to the wrong person out of:

Fear

Loneliness

Peer pressure

Societal pressure

Offers of material things

Financial security

Being seen as valuable

Liaison with a narcissist

These are all the traps that people often fall into. One of them is just as damaging as being trapped by more than one.

When a person is content as they are, there is an absence of trapability by romance scammers. 

A new sort of trap has started to gain traction as it has become more refined, more realistic. 

AI "friends".

Yep, I'm going to go there.

These AI traps have become so sophisticated, seem so real. When something catches my attention, it seems to me that it caught my attention for a reason. Time to check it out.

The AI is a customizable online companion. Everything that ticks every box a person could choose is available. I do mean everything.

Yeah

I gave it a spin.

One week, having already decided that I would try it out for one week. So as to stay out of the trap, deleting after one week is necessary.

What was my experience?

Stay tuned.

Is it really okay?

It's okay to hate your mom hate your dad

Hate yourself too

Tell others of it you testify it to be true

Take all of that pain rolled in breadcrumbs of rage

Feed yourself made up truths

Shizz you invented page by page

Forget what your mother did for you for so many years

Her sacrifice in giving her all

The many times she cried for you in anguish and in tears

Easy to forget that she gave her all

With love to benefit others

Only to have to accept the fall

It only lasts as it's so often said

Until it's realized by so many

After she is declared dead

It continues on in deep motherly care

The love echoes in time forever more

It's forever for always it stays there

My Baby

Dobie butts are so cute, Can you see the heart shape?

How much does he love me

Something I often ponder

As we go on silent walks

Through the trails we wander

Does he feel how much I love him

As we share our watermelon & steak

That's real love right there folks

Something that is tough to fake

Eyes are the windows to the soul

So often though many have said

If the nether eye of his were

He would smell as if he were dead

He wakes then sleeps at random

Or when he hears the sound

Of a crackling snack wrapper bag

He can cross the house in 1 bound

Growing so fast as I watch

Cannot stand for us to be apart

With him I'll never pee alone

This dog has burrowed into my heart

ID The Fear

Being truthful, I'm stuck.

A big mistake was to hang around with people who had "stuck" energy around them. After a while, I became stuck, too. Motivation took a nosedive. It leeched into many aspects of my life experience. Blaming my weight gain on the fauxvid shut down is partially true. Just as King Henry VIII endeavored to erase Anne Boleyn & Katherine from history, prior aspects of my core were being eroded little by little.

Although it was my choosing, so, taking responsibility for my part, it was like the adage of how to boil a frog.

The heat was very low at first.

The weight gain crept up on me very slowly. 

As the weight crept up, my energy level which has always been high, began to ebb.

My house suffered right alongside me.

Doing anything such as working out or doing housework, left me feeling drained. As my house suffered, it became a daunting effort to bring my housekeeping standards up to my own acceptable level. It felt so overwhelming.

As many aspects occur in twos, sometimes threes, the slobbery dragon of depression set upon me. Similar to a Gorn attack. Just as slobbery, more mental/emotional/spiritual than physical.

UGH

First, the room in the house where I spend most of my time. The bedroom. Before bringing PJ home, I worked, slept & ate there. It was the only part of the house where the AC worked.

When the main AC worked, I spent my time in the house mainly at the kitchen table. The house I'm renting has a very cool feature. It has a six feet table, embedded in the structure of the house. It appears to be floating with no table legs to support it.

In the summer months, I take an ice bath in the evenings. 

It is what it sounds like. I run a bathtub full of warm water. Then 2 - 10-gallon buckets of ice dumped into the water. Take a breath & lay down in the ice water. Stay there until all ice is melted. So, refreshing & cooling from the Texas summer heat. When I bought my side-by-side fridge, the ice maker & dispenser was a must.

In the winter months - yes it does get cold - I take a warm sea salt soak instead of an ice bath. Equally refreshing, in a warm way. After my vacation to Hawai'i in 2018, I met a local guy at the Stadium Swap Meet. He grew his own macadamia nut trees, sold the nuts. I don't understand the process of harvesting salt from the ocean, he sells that, too. He showed me a video on his phone of him & his crew harvesting the sea salt or ocean salt. Fascinating.

He was a very captivating person. He offered me some pakalolo, too. I had to decline. It was tempting. I love my career; it would be unfortunate if I was screened after returning to Texas. Have been buying my sea salt & fresh unsalted macadamia nuts from him since then.

Digressing back. 

After I brought PJ home, I began spending most of my time in the bedroom again. In addition to sleeping, I eat, work, indulge in needlework projects. If I am in a part of the house where PJ can hear & see me, he will be crying to get out of his crate at night or if he's out he will be in my lap. It makes doing almost anything a bit tricky. I love him so much, he's so worth all aspects of living with him, come what may.

As a result, the bedroom suffered the most. My needlework projects are all over everywhere. I DO finish projects. The designs I ply with gold needles, yes, actual gold-plated needles, are self-kitted. Working on several at a time. They are all in the bedroom.

Having tried to narrow it down to just 4, it was narrowed to 10. That's as low as it will ever be.

Okay, maybe 20, if the truth is told. Have completed 3 since then. Small ones. Completed, just the same. A plumeria fob for my hula girl scissors. Stitched over one on antique white 28 linen.

The plumeria is almost 1" side to side, top to bottom.

A mermaid fob for my rainbow scissors.

Taking the rest to put in the storage room. That's progress. It sounds easier than it actually is. Doing intricate needlework is a big part of life for me, it has been since forever. Separating some to go to the storage room is an emotional move, sighs & tears.

The containers in the storage room contain emotional time bombs.

It's why I have avoided doing it. 

Knowing that the ex huzz would dump everything I had to leave, in the garage, either in a landfill or donate to a thrift store. All of the irreplaceable mementos of my childrens childhoods would be tossed out as none of it mattered to him. Sorting through all that I brought with me is painful.

Tonight, I did one large tub, 3 smaller ones. Tomorrow, I'll donate them. 

Sleep?

What's that?

I don't have to work for the next 2 days.

Perfect.

More room in my back storage room means I can clear clutter, maybe even put a washer & dryer back there, it has the hook ups. Right now, I feel so empowered, best to stop, take a breather, go back to it tomorrow. Burn out kills motivation. 

Today is a few days after I started this entry. Taking the large tub of Christmas decorations, plus 3 smaller ones, I added a set of luggage that is no longer needed. My new luggage is so snazzy.  

Before taking a road trip to Ohio & Michigan, I bought a new set of luggage that was just too beautiful to resist. It's my keeper.

While I still work on decluttering, every small amount that lightens my load is a victory.

Taking The Road - Britnee Kellogg

Where oh where has this phenomenally talented woman been? First hearing her on the Paramount+ series, The Road. She was so stunning. (Still Is!) I know this because she sure stunned me.

Britnee is more than a song writer, performer, beautiful soul. When she sings the music of her own creation, it has that feel of coming up from her soul. If you see the look in her eyes, the expressions on her face. As she sings the words that I'm pretty sure resonates with thousands of us out here. 

Telling our stories by telling of her own experiences in life. She sings of a life full of ups, downs, triumphs and yes, pain. It's her life, a life she's still living, accomplished so many of her dreams, she is still working so hard to accomplish more.

Something tells me she is just getting started. 

Britnee speaks of how she married her HS boyfriend, wanting to build a life with him. She did, they did.

As it happens with so many women, he held her back from living her dreams. I can relate.

Being held back by someone who was supposed to love me. He took my inheritance money from my father, promising that he would share with me from his parents when the time came. He never did.

Like all of his promises, it was just a lie to get his hands on my money. 

Divorce is hard, can be very pain filled while also, necessary when one person is holding the other back, the pain goes deep. Britnee has the talent, drive, determination to go forward, to live her dreams.

Divorce can be an awakening. 

To live your dreams, you must first wake up.

Britnee sure did.

As someone who is far from being a celebrity, myself. I allowed my hopes & dreams to be crushed for the sake of staying married, keeping it together. For him. For my children. 3 of the 4 treated me with such disrespect as adults that I couldn't stand it, anyway. I did it all for them. For everyone except me.

Starting to treat my 2 precious daughters as I was treated as a child. Before it could harm them, I said HELL NO! For more grueling counseling sessions than I can count, I poured out, from deep in my soul, recounting the abuse I suffered from my parents. Abused in a dysfunctional home, bullied at school. Then, the SAs from when I served in the USAF. My marriage was good for the first 10 years, going downhill into abuse & misery for me after that. 

Like so many women, I put my comfort, dreams & desires on hold to support his career, his dreams, his desires. Put up with the racist snark from his Filipino family. He never stood up for me. Not once.

Any extra money went to my children. I had one bra & 2 pair of panties for 12 years, stitching the seams & patching the holes. My childrens needs & wants took precedence. 

Though my children speak of terrible things I did, they forget the terrible things they did to me as children, even when they became of adult age.

During the counseling sessions & cranial shock sessions, my counselor was often in sobs right along with me. 

I went through the deeply pain filled sessions out of love for my children, deeply desired to be a better mother than the one I had. 

Knowing that I was a good mother, knowing that my children have no foggy clue of the pain I suffered in those counseling sessions out of my love for them. 

All 4 are doing well in life as adults. That only happens for all children from one family when they had a mother who loved them. A mother who sacrificed, taught them, gave loving firm discipline along with valuable life skills.

Sadly, only one of my children is in my life so I lavish my love on her & her family. Love those who love me, the rest are regarded with thelemia.

Britnee shows us, guys and women, what is possible.

Then, she presses forward to live it for herself. She tells the world that it's hella hard. It's so soul eating, causes soul searching. Pain, pain, more pain before the flashes of sweetness even begin to flutter in, That encourages. Just a little. So, take it.

When I saw that so many memberships & subscriptions were eating up money that would be better kept or used elsewhere, it was high time to assess what to keep, what had to be discarded. 

8 streaming services.

1 gym membership.

For 1 month I tracked how much I actually used them. PJ keeps me active, I'm on the Doberman Fitness program. 

Bye Bye Anytime Fitness.

The one streaming service I use 90% of the time is CBS All Access.

The name change to Paramount+ simplified it then Showtime was added in.

BOOM

Narrowing it down to one was easy. Paramount+ has all the Star Trek I could ever want, it's my one & only keeper.

In large part it's because of Star Trek. 

Everything Star Trek is on P+. Everything I love to watch is on P+

Narrowing them down to just ONE. Not only did it keep me from wasting my time skimming, it saves me $200 per month.

So happy I did that, as it's how I discovered Britnee Kellogg on the short series, "The Road". It's a competition of performers, with a tour of cities, one performer eliminated per week.

The one that is left, claims a suh-weet fat kitty of a prize! It's a combo of honor, opportunity, cash, life changing experiences. Watching this series play on is how I discovered Britnee Kelloggs music.

As one who believes in lifelong learning, growth, constantly evolving. 

I move through time, getting older is optional.

Relating to Britnee's life experiences as played out in her music, her music videos, interviews. She lays it out for the world to experience alongside her.

She speaks to the hearts of all different people, though, mostly women.

Guys, beware. She will call you out.

To mothers of small children in their exhaustion. They are hoping they are doing it right, sometimes feeling unattractive, hoping they still are. She uses her childrens voices in such an affirming way, in her music.

OMG ~ Vibrato at the points where she ends each affirming statement of encouragement to mothers everywhere is a thrill.

Every life experience she lays out there is raw, realistic. Even the warning to the pretty neighbor with acute "pick me", to watch her step as her antics are being watched.

Really enjoying "The Road" though I have always detested Keith Urban. He puts out a snake in the grass vibe to me. Love snake meat, it really does taste like chicken. 

Snake in the grass people? That's a hard NO. 

When Britnee Kellogg was eliminated from the competition, 

I cried along with her. 

The song she chose, did her in. They were in Nashville, Tennessee. I saw the looks on the peoples faces when she was just 3 lines into "Girl Crush". Looked like they tasted something very sour.

Rut roh Raggy

I was pretty sure she would be eliminated, hoping so hard that she wouldn't be. Then, she was sent home. 

I won't be watching any more of the competition. Also, won't have to suffer through the parts with the snake in the grass. 

Sayonara Mr. Urban.

💖Hello to more Britnee Kellogg music!💖

Fresh so Fresh

 

When you know you have done your best

The proof is still shining true around you

Let haters live in their daily hate

As you only let love surround you

Love has a way of uplifting our lives

Cooling the scorch healing the pain

Restoring a peaceful balance of spirit

Soothing one back to wellness again

When the trials of life hit as they often do

When adult children are taught to disrespect

By their fathers narcissistic ways

They live what they learned in retrospect

Life is the best it's ever been for me now

Freedom like I have never known before

People try to drag me back to their version of me

Ciao baby I don't live there any more

Prepped for 2026

Get ready.

2026 is approaching.

Although I have chosen to retain many memories from the past, it's now, time to let them go. Having been taught a technique for erasing 

those memories that are sad or simply holding me back, it's a choice.

Choosing to use the technique before, so, I know how to do it, also that it does, indeed work to selectively erase.

Some people struggle to remember; my MO is the opposite. It may sound good; it has been more of a burden for me. Remembering every nuance of my life's experiences.

Every face, sound, scent, scenes. All of it.

As 2026 draws closer, giving myself the gift of forgetting, a decluttering of the mind, perhaps. Starting on December 10th, using the mind clearing practice taught to me. Every time while drifting off to sleep will give the gift of renewal.

By January 1, 2026, it will truly be a fresh start.

It was possible to do this for several years, I wasn't ready.

Now?

Ready & willing.

The starting point will be at the earliest memories I have, working my way forward to present day. It gives the idea of starting the next year fresh, a much deeper meaning.

Once it's complete, I will know THAT the elements have been selectedly erased, an absence of what or whom has been taken out.

When it was first taught to me, several years ago, it was an exciting concept. Admittedly, there were doubts. 

Arriving home, prepping for beddy bye.

Laying down in my bed an hour before as was usual, I started the process. Slow, steady breathing, clearing my mind. Then, once my mind was relaxed, I started the process by selecting something I wanted to erase.

Upon the next day when waking, it felt a bit foreign. The knowledge that something had been erased, not knowing exactly what or who that was. 

Mission accomplished.

It felt very freeing, a slightly lessened burden. 

Five days from now, on December 10, the process will be set into motion. So much lighter in 2026.

Looking forward to this happier plane of living. Like the flow of water or air. 

Getting older is optional. 

Moving through time is how I roll.