It's such an idealistic time. Two people who are in love, having adventures, so into each other the rest of their lives pale in comparison to all that they are feeling, experiencing together.
As bonds deepen, the talk of more permanence in their togetherness begins. Then, deciding on marriage, they go for it!
BOOM!
There is only talk of love, the love for each other, their future together. The mention of a prenup or the possibility of a divorce is so absent, there ought to be a new word for absent, for the 2 love birds.
The "D" word.
Often people marry with the intent to stay with their spouse for the rest of their lives or their spouses. Being abusive or abused is usually unfathomable. Cheating on their spouse whether it's financial or emotional or sexual usually is far from being planned, yet many people do it.
The initial betrayal, the shock, the denial are often employed to keep from dealing with the painful truth. Following this is even more pain from a legal separation which may or may not lead to a divorce. Deep agony of a divorce hurts nearly everyone in different degrees.
There are more resources for the children of the divorcing parties than there has ever been. The husband most often continues on in his career, garnering sympathy from friends & family using whatever he can whether it's bold-faced lies or mild mistruths.
In the past, the wife was often left destitute, still is in many cases. All the waa-waa, about women having an easier time during then post divorce still hangs in the air though it is quickly becoming so passe'.
Study after study shows that the overall economic quality of a mans life, based on earnings plus amount spent on living expenses increases after a divorce. He continues to earn more while bearing fewer family expenses. The overall economic quality of a womans life hits a sharp decline. Although women fare better in many other ways, financially, many are left worried about basic living expenses.
Most of the time she is caring for the children while often having to also provide for them, financially. When the father can't or won't provide for his children, it's even more worrisome for the children as well as their mother.
When a woman perseveres, stays strong, let's herself adjust to being alone, without a man in her life, wondrous things begin to happen.
From my own personal experience, the realization happened in my heart & mind that I had been held back from personal growth during the time I was married. Although it was a bit frightening as it was the first time in my life that I was completely alone. I had always had siblings, lots of relatives, neighbors, as a child.
During my time serving in the USAF I had always had a roommate.
During marriage there were always other people around.
After leaving then divorcing the abusive ex, I was living completely alone for the first time. It was so scary.
Suffering crippling anxiety, paranoia over any little noise in the place I was living.
Depression, loneliness, profound sadness over the loss of social contacts. People who I had attended church with for several years turned their backs to me.
The army of God who crucifies the wounded.
Then, online, the scammers started targeting me repeatedly. Said all the right things, told me in typed messages, what myself or any other vulnerable person would want to read.
As much as it would have been nice if it were actually a real person I KNEW they were scammers.
Being targeted by a scammer is a matter of chance, being successfully scammed is a matter of choice.
From time to time I played with the scammers until it became too tedious, no challenge at all. Boring. At least I kept them occupied so
that they weren't targeting someone who might believe their ruse.
As I tried dating & it was more BS than anything, I decided to take a different approach.
When a person starts a new job or gets married or has a new baby or any new situation, the advice is the same. Let yourself adjust, give it time, enjoy the newness of it.
This advice is rarely if ever given when a person finds themselves alone after a breakup or a death or a divorce. The advice is nearly always.
"Get back out there, mingle, you'll meet someone special."
The decision to be single, celibate, getting to know who I was again after being someone I wasn't for such a long time. Discovering new music, new TV shows, new clothes, perfume, makeup, new fitness practices, fasting techniques.
The one constant that stayed with me was my love for intricate needlework.
My most recent completed project. It's rare when I stitch the alphabet on a sampler as it serves little purpose besides taking up space. Instead, I compose, chart, then stitch my own original poetry.
The pattern was designed by Marilyn Leavitt Imblum of Lavender & Lace Designs. The name of the pattern is Fallen Roses. If I could rename it, I would name it, "The Journey of Womanhood."
The poem I composed then stitched:
Abilities learned
Enduring in grace
Journey of tides turned
To a joyful place
A bit of touch up with the iron, it's ready for me to frame it. The bracelet in the oval was on my wrist when I was born in W VA.
During a long marriage I had to fight for time to indulge in needlework. Had to even hide current projects or there would be a fight over how much time I spent doing something I love. A counselor had suggested that the ex hated my needlework because it didn't involve him. If something didn't involve him, he resented it. He had even ruined some of my patterns, claiming it was an accident.
R i i i i g h t.
Classic narcissistic trait.
Even when dinner was made, homework accomplished, home was clean, he would be angry if he came home early & I was relaxing with a needlework project until dinner time with the family.
Loving nearly every aspect of being a wife & mother, family dinners around the table was something I cherished. No TV or phones. Just happy family talk & delicious home cooked meals every evening at 5 or 6 pm. Something I hoped my own children would carry on with.
When I love, I love with my whole heart. The ex huzz became less caring, crueler as time went on. He began taking me for granted, less appreciation.
He started telling me that I was "all used up after 4 babies" whenever I displeased him. Among other cruel things, he knew that one would hurt me the most. He got that "dupers delight" expression when he saw that it hurt me so much that it left me in tears. He knew it got me.
Then there was the 3 days up to 3 weeks of the silent treatment. After he was so toey he couldn't stand it, he expected me to hop happily into bed with him.
Nope, that wasn't happening, he became angry over that, too.
When a person freezes you out, they are teaching you how to live without them. Maybe it's why it was easier on me, emotionally, when we divorced. He spent years teaching me how to live without him.
He had always been very critical of everyone & everything.
Except himself, of course.
When our first sweet baby was born, everyone saw how sweet she was. All he saw was a very slightly crooked pinky toe. He was becoming more hyper critical of me with time. It took a lot of cruelty, constant lies, abuse, abhorrent comments to kill the love I had felt for him when we married.
Letting myself enjoy doing needlework without fear of repercussions was new for me. Love that.
Although I had never been one to go to a gym, I began spending more time at the gym. Not for a so-called revenge body. For me because it made me feel so alive, invigorated, strong. I had spent 30 - 45 minutes at the gym. It was no longer enough for me, 1 - 2 hours felt great! A female friend made the comment that I was the incredible shrinking woman. Another female friend asked me how I got my bubble butt. Do your squats, yo.
As time went by, I began to feel like I had hit a reset button on life. Remembering how I felt at age 19, free to do as I wished in my off-duty time serving on AD in the USAF. Based at Hickam AB, Honolulu, Hawai'i. Finishing a 12-hour shift, I turned my gear in at the armory, walked across the street to the beach. Changing out of my uniform, taking a quick cold shower. I donned a hot pink bikini. It felt like I was nearly nekkid after wearing heavy clothing & gear for nearly 12 hours. A great feeling.
Falling asleep in the warm Hawai'ian sun felt so good.
Not something I would do, now, as I was still a teenager, feeling so invincible, no worries of sun damage or skin cancer. I was free!
Allowing that feeling of being so free to come back to me. Although I was completely alone, I felt far less lonely, even less with time. In my private thoughts I was turning back into who I truly am.
A new beginning, is that redundant? Maybe.
While one chapter in life was closing for me, another one was just beginning. This new chapter was a bit frightening at first. A married woman is often semi protected by a bubble of safety. With no proverbial lion at the gate, predatory people encounter fewer obstacles to accomplish their means. Those means may be duping someone out of money, sex, couch surfing as the person is alone, has room for them to crash.
I had to learn to be my own lion at the gate. Lioness. Purrr.
One phrase in particular, I learned to watch out for was this:
"I have your best interests at heart."
When a person says that, they most likely have their own best interests at heart. Interests that would benefit them, not me.
All the lessons learned, all the new skills, the changing of perspectives, helped me to forge a new life.
The beginning of a new life as I shed excess weight, also, excess material possessions. Ridding myself of that which had been a spouses taste, or my prior taste had changed. Gathering proverbial steam as I went, it felt lighter & brighter than life had felt for a long time.
In spite of the many adjustments, the scant support system, weathering the storms of life is up to me.
Still grieving over Steve Szasz, I tried playing music that might desensitize me to the ache for him, the pain of the loss of him. Maybe it's too soon.
It had the opposite effect.
The dull ache turned into sharp biting pain. Then the tears, the sobs, the pain is still there. Changing the music so the pain would revert to a dull ache again. He was & is worth any pain, dull ache, tears, sadness I'm experiencing. He saw me more clearly than most people. I saw him so clearly, felt his spirit, still feel it.
Still not convinced that he really did pass on. His online accounts are still active including his profile on a few dating sites.
Such a mystery.
Even the thought of him passing on is enough to bring me to daily tears. My heart & mind remain unconvinced.
Though life became new, a beautiful beginning there are some residuals that remain.
Baby steps, in time ilk becomes mass.
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