Falling Apart to Fall Together

 It takes such strength to put yourself back together

After feeling you have fallen apart

Broken body broken mind broken in spirit

Even worse is the pain of a broken heart

It's said that time heals all wounds oh if only

This simple phrase could ring true

Easier to find the broken pieces to assemble

With spit, duct tape, a bit of hot glue

If only time would wound all heels

Who crush others in pursuit of their bliss

Leaving a trail of tears in their wake

To sob over the lover they leave to miss

It's of little comfort to those of us who cry

In private with a heart which has spoken

Too many times for one to count or endure

From falsehoods lived in promises broken

There is hope in the solace of passing time

Healing balms from close in heart friends

Remembering the meaning of this word

With the meaning 

Hang 

On 

Pain 

Ends

Ice Cream - It's Not What You Might Think

Who loves ice cream?

When the names of the flavors alone are enough to make ya want some!

Buttered Pecan

Mint Chocolate Chip

Pralines & Cream

Chocolate Fudge Brownie

Vanilla Cookie Dough Crunch

Choco Almond Cream

Dutch Chocolate

Cherries & Chocolate Surprise

My personal favorite is a bit weird. Though the smell of coffee nauseates me, almonds are less than a favorite. I do like fudge. 

My favorite:

Jamoca Almond Fudge made by Baskin & Robbins

I was molested repeatedly as a child by an older male with strong coffee breath, so, yeah. It's weird that it's my favorite flavor. I still can't drink coffee or smell it brewing without feeling nauseated.

The joy of the shadows of childhood.

There is no specific reason as to why I'm less of a fan of almonds.

The combo of the slightly bitter coffee flavor, the ribbons of fudge, bits of almonds that softened from being in the mixture.

It just does it for me. 

Another reason as to why it's my favorite is the memories attached to it. When I arrived at my first military assignment at Hickam AB, Hawai'i, I was still a bit stupid/rebellious. A USAF Captain had talked me into going out for ice cream with him. I was at the bottom of USAF enlisted rank. He was probably around 10 years older than me.

An enlisted person dating an officer was a big ol no-no. 

He knew it, I knew it. 

We did get away with it for a while until a disgruntled enlisted guy snitched on us. He had asked me out, I had politely declined. A blow to his ego. He retaliated by squealing on us.

Our first date was at the Baskin & Robbins on the base. I hadn't gone to many restaurants before leaving for BMT, wasn't even 20, yrs, yet.

There were so many flavors I didn't know which one to choose. He chose for me. Saying that I seemed like a complex girl who loves her chocolate.

He chose 1 scoop of chocolate 1 scoop of jamoca almond fudge on a cone. It looked like heaven stacked 2 scoops high, to me. Jamoca almond fudge has remained my favorite since then. He and I had some fun times. He bought an expensive beautiful mandarin dress for me, which I still have.

We went on dates in the Waikiki area, sometimes a beach date on the north shore of O'a'hu. Relatively far away from Hickam AB & anyone who might see us together. The first time he saw me in my hot pink bikini, he couldn't hide his reaction if you know what I mean.

We had gone out around 8 times. I'd had my heart broken twice before him so I was a bit skittish. 

When my first boyfriend, my first love, began smoking cigarettes, it was a deal breaker though I still loved him. 

The second was during USAF Tech School. The guy sent someone else to tell me that he wanted us to see other people. I believe I just wasn't Japanese enough for him. 

It was humiliating for me. 

To him, Japan along with anything Japanese was everything to him that I wasn't. He chose to go to a different assignment. Long distance romance was a deal breaker for me. When he left Lackland AFB, that was the end of it as far as I was concerned. 

The guy sent gifts, cards, letters, flowers, called me on the phone from Japan to Hawai'i. I told him that he had sent someone to tell me that he wanted us to date other people, so that's what I did. I encouraged him to do the same.

My Captain tried to kiss me after our 6th date, I was too afraid. Afraid of setting myself up to have my heart broken a third time. He asked me if I liked him.

Stupid me.

I told him that I'd had my heart broken a couple times, was afraid of being hurt again. He said what any smart guy would say to that.

"I'd never hurt you; I promise. I really like you a lot."

The next time we went out was when he bought the mandarin dress for me. The fabric colors are still just as vibrant now as they were when he bought it for me.

I don't know the price; it was more than $100. I saw him take a $100 bill plus some smaller denominations out of his wallet. He played it off as if I didn't see.

To me, $100 is a lot, now, it went a lot further at that time than it does, now.

The next time we went out, we went to Eye of The Ilikai, an upscale rotating restaurant in Honolulu. I wore the beautiful mandarin dress. He was so impressed, happy at seeing heads turn as we walked by. I was on the arm of my hot Captain. That night was surreal. 

No alcohol involved. I didn't touch the stuff at that time in my life.

That night, I let him kiss me good night. It was sweet, soft, slow, memorable.

We were busted the next day.

Yes, I remember his name as well as the name of the jerk who busted us.

I still love Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream.

For a long time, I was having a scoop of it or two okay  maybe three - most evenings after November 2017 when my ship came in, I was so ready for it.

Living in survival mode for a decade sucked.

Guess what happened when I picked up the unhealthy life habits of another person? Coupled with my gym on temp closure due to fauxvid lockdown. My weight began to go up. I took on more work, taught myself to read a 6th language.

Go, me!

Granted, learning to read cyrillic, I was only thinking of access to beautiful needlework patterns. Having a professional advantage was far from my mind. When Russia invaded Ukraine, my new skill in reading cyrillic became extremely valuable.

When lockdown eased up, the gym reopened.

Feeling so porky at that point, so disgusted that I had done it to myself. My cute-cute clothes didn't fit.

Knowing that I had to make changes to see changes, the nearly nightly jamoca almond fudge ice cream had to go.

Blowing kisses!

To break a habit, there must be a replacement habit for it or a reminder to keep from going back down the bunny hole. When a person is quitting a bad or unhealthy habit such as tobacco, having a strong rubber band on the wrist then snapping it enough to sting a bit when the cravings hit has proven to be successful for many people.

Determining that I would begin replacing the ice cream with watermelon - sugar! 😉

(yes, I know the meaning of it ala Harry Styles)

Starting January 1, 2024.

So far, it's working.

Little did I know that a deep desire of mine was about to be fulfilled.

Getting back into regular workouts, seeing steady progress.

Through a series of events that would make this blog entry longer, tedious to read, details that are too personal. 

I was to pick my Doberman puppy up after driving to Wichita, Kansas, on March 7th.

Have had dreams of my previous Doberman - Sammy at least twice weekly, sometimes more. Tried to adopt a cat or dog. It fell through every time. So discouraging.

This was a very happy life event, to finally have a Doberman puppy. 

If I was going to do it right, it would mean devoting as much time as possible to training the puppy, teaching, loving, guiding. It was a lot like adopting a baby. They have no choice, I was choosing this, this wiggly, whiny baby to bring to my home to love & care for.

Dobies are high energy dogs from the start.

A male Doberman puppy of my own.

Having had 3 Dobies before, I knew that he would need a minimum of 2 hours of exercise every day. Add to that, the training he would need would also take a lot of time.

I had my gym membership frozen for a few months. Only $5 per month instead of $40. 

That was manageable.

Although I worried about putting my fitness goals off, possibly going back to my ice cream habit, my puppy was worth it to me. 

His name is PJ.

Shortened from a much longer name, nothing to do with USAF Pararescue, so, you can just nix that right now.

PJ and me walked or played active games for a minimum of 2 hours every day. Most days it was more like 3 - 4 hours. Thankfully the workload was lighter. Everything fell into place.

Having rarely gone anywhere without PJ, I started by leaving him at home in his crate with a kibble snack & lots to chew on for 20 minutes at a time at first.

My gym membership became active again on July 1st. When I returned & weighed myself, I had lost 30 lbs!

Thanks to PJ!

The changes I have made are:

Swapping watermelon for ice cream.

Bought some new cute gym clothes.

Taking PJ to the dog park for 30 minutes at least once per day. While he runs, plays, finds sticks, I walk from the front gate to the back of the fence 4 - 8 times. Sometimes we go twice.

Back to consistently working out at the gym.

Replacing sodas with water with lemon. Having spent my childhood in Michigan, I allow myself a Faygo Rock n Rye or a Vernors once in awhile.

When I'm craving ice cream & watermelon isn't cutting it, I mix chocolate Orgain protein powder, extra thick, freeze it, it's very similar to chocolate ice cream.

Going back to boiled chicken breast or a healthy version of deviled eggs is also helping.

The one I used to go to restaurants with is no longer a part of my life. I made the decision to adopt her unhealthy habits. It says less about her, more about me. I made the choice. 

Now, I have the pain after the party.

Another change I have started just in the past month. Every night I take PJ into the bathroom with me. It's the coldest room in the house! I fill the bathtub with cool water, then, dump 3, 1-gallon pitchers of ice into the water. The first plunge is a bit shocking, after that, it is so refreshing, even helps me sleep. 

I soak in the cold water until all ice is melted. PJ only drinks the water, hasn't voluntarily climbed in just yet. Dobies have very short hair. They do shed. All I have had to do is to wipe PJ down with a baby wipe & he stays fresh smelling. He rarely needs a bath.

The nightly ice baths have been said to also burn calories, have not seen evidence of that, yet.

More curves ahead.

Best Advice

The storms of life are often tricky to navigate. Who can be trusted to give guidance? Where can a person turn? 

Even trained professional counselors can, at times give sketchy advice. They can often offer more betrayal than help.

Been there, did that.

No more counselors for me. 

Too many bad experiences with counselors. After the last bad one I decided it was the last one.

These are some life lessons I have learned - the hard way.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐🌟🌟🌟🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐

When you are getting the first "leave me alone" vibes from someone, whether irl or on the phone or video chat, leave them alone! There are many people who want your company. Go where you are wanted, everyone deserves to be wanted & appreciated.

Give priority to those who give you priority.

Seek first to understand then to be understood. Offer compassion mixed with kindness when needed.

Every time you put anything in your mouth you are either fighting future disease or feeding it. Choose carefully.

Only bring an animal as a pet into your home, into your life if you are prepared to train it well. An untrained animal is just as annoying & destructive as a spoiled child.

A strong scare is more motivating than sound advice.

When someone freezes you out aka the silent treatment or cold shoulder, they are teaching you how to live without them.

Refrain from asking why they keep doing it, ask why you keep allowing it. (Whatever "it" is.)

Actions are a language unto itself.

Plants die more often from overwatering than they do from underwatering. The same is true for humans.

People who spend their formative years in chaos are often uncomfortable in a peaceful life.

Karma has a way of catching up with everyone, it's a natural law.

Being single & celibate is better than being coupled up in misery.

When a person tells you who they are, believe them.

Dogs are not better than people, it's easy to be loyal, welcoming, obedient, compliant, sweet when your very life depends upon it.

When a person's actions are misaligned with their words, believe their actions.

Whoever or whatever you believe yourself to be, your mind will find a way to make it come true.

When someone tells you that you can't accomplish something what they are really saying is that they can't do it.

Learn to get out of your own way to accomplish great things in life.

Be kind to others, also be kind to yourself. Life can be glorious. It can also be cruel & discouraging at times.

Pursue enjoyment, be wary of pleasure. Pleasure is cheap, fast dopamine that one doesn't earn. One-night stands, sugary foods, video gaming, pornography. Enjoyment takes intention, perseverance, nurturing a skill or a relationship. It has a higher barrier, so, it takes more effort to reach with a richer reward.

In order to change the fruit, you must first change the root.

If you want a wound to heal you must refrain from touching it.

People who define themselves as atheists are acknowledging that there really is a God or they would have nothing to not believe in.

When you start finding feathers it's a sign. A sign that there are naked birds somewhere.

The Upside of a Broken Heart

Yes, I'm still feeling the pain. 

Is Steve still here or am I still feeling that he's here. 

I feel him around me, feel the love for him in my heart, feel the ache.

If I could leave this existence, knowing what I know, now, I would go back & do things differently. When I hear anything by Fleetwood Mac or even opera music playing, the memories flood my mind, then the tears start. He had a very distinct natural scent that I have never smelled on anyone else or before I met him or since I met him.

It's hard to define. I'll try yet I doubt it will do justice.

A combo of lavender, testosterone, very light mint, leather, apple.

Weird, hmm?

Having a very sensitive sense of smell, a person's scent makes an impression on me. 

As a polyglot & linguist by trade, the sound of a person's voice, accent, inflections, word choice, pitch, they all matter to me. Steve had it all going on for him. So loveable, so charming. So brash.

After I got "the news" I'm finding lots of feathers. Having always encountered feathers that were gray or gray & white, it's something new that I'm finding Blue Jay feathers. 

14 perfect beautiful vividly blue feathers. 

One of the feathers was found very close to my home, that has never happened.

Is it a sign? Maybe it's a sign that there are some naked birds out there.

In my soul, all these are the way my love for him has been since the first time he asked if he could kiss me.

Yes, he asked. So passionate, tempered by chivalry. He was semi joking when he asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I hadn't. Very few things surprised him or shocked him. My answer did both.

His reply:

"Then, Brenda, will you give me the honor of being the first guy you willingly kiss, that is, if you are willing. Let me lay it on you!"

Bittersweet

Still dealing with the pain

Like a lava flow churning

It hurts so deep

Flowing fast it's burning

It's possible to stop it

If I can possibly choose

Would you ever do it

Living in my shoes

Honoring that man

With the love I feel

Still feels so fresh

Still feels deeply real

Knowing him for a short time

As I know we both did

Everything was so truthful

Nothing we felt was hid

Now I endure the pain

Now I remember the joy

Of the deep love we had

Starting as a teen girl & teen boy

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

It's odd. I, only halfway believe that Steve passed on. Halfway, in kind, believe he is still alive. My intuition tells me that he is bound or restrained somehow, not really deceased. Is he bound in flesh & blood or bound in spirit? idk.

Several of his accounts are still active. 

I didn't have to hack to see that, though, I know how.

Hacking is illegal.

Things People Say & More Steve-isms

People say:

It'll get better

I'll pray for you

Keep your chin up

Turn that frown upside down

What they really mean is:

I can't be bothered by your problems; I have my own

I want an easy out 

(you will never know if they prayed for you or not)

Take care of it yourself, I'm busy

Just smile so that I won't feel like a bad person if I don't care

Psychology Today found, in a study where the respondents were anonymous:

80% of people can't be bothered with other people's problems

18% of people are glad that other people have problems, too

2% actually cared just not enough to do anything to help.

When did apathy become more prevalent than empathy?

I have my own theories.

When the common availability of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-everything else, happened when the patients who took the prescription meds, their urine contained traces of their meds. 

Yep, flushed down the loo, into public water supply. Water treatment plants may filter particles plus some other substances. Just, not completely eliminating the traces of meds.

Many people drink the water, bathe in it, use it for cooking, watering their gardens. The meds in the water are ingested or absorbed through the skin.

This is not to say that people ought to not take meds to help them with life's ailments. Just being aware of what is in your water supply, then, taking appropriate measures is important.

Whether it's effective or not, I began triple filtering my water, over a decade ago.

I'm sure I could benefit from some of the meds to help with depression, with anxiety, with other stuff. When I brought my Doberman puppy home on March 8th, he has done so much for me just by being with me. Dobermans are very clingy, which I love. Also, the breed is known for being very intelligent, playful & trainable. Also, very protective, constantly alert, thinking, scanning for the possibility of a threat or food, they love their food!

Maybe I could have named my boy, Zoloft? He has the same effect!

Nah, he's PJ! (a short version of Poseidon Jack).

PJ seems to fit him well. He's growing very fast. Only 6 months of age, nearly 60 lbs. He will be a big boy when he's adult age.

Part of my anxiety was when a person would walk across my front or back lawn. With PJ doing his thunderous Dobie yodel, I have no fear! Having had 4 stalkers, yeah, it traumatized me a bit.

Most people who hear that Dobie yodel won't grace my front door or even my back door. No euphemisms, here.

Recently when I got the news that my first love had passed on, it was completely devastating.

Steve Szasz has always been in my heart, on my mind since I was 16, so, a minute ago. The first time he asked so sweetly if he could kiss me, the answer was yes. He was the first guy I ever kissed. I fell so hard for Steve, loved him ever since then. PJ seemed to sense my deep sadness. He began to stick extra close to me, has continued to stick closer than before Steves sister, Leslie, told me of his passing. The first time I let myself really let loose to grieve, to cry as I remembered him, PJ cocked his head to the side, then, wrapped his neck over my shoulder, softly whimpered.

He knew I was feeling so sad.

Every evening before bedtime if I don't have to work, I take an ice bath. Of course, PJ goes where I go. Even the bathroom. Everywhere except my bedroom. I'm not one to sleep with my pets. Of any sort.

I'm not that kind of girl.

Tonight, I decided to make use of my time off to clean out folders & my email inbox. Looking through emails of long ago. 

There it was. 

The folder I had kept emails & photos from Steve Szasz, in. The pictures he sent. 

Oh, the pictures! 

The memories his photos & emails made me recall with such clarity.

My heart began racing, then the tears started. 

Will my heart ever heal? 

Do I even want my heart to stop hurting? 

Steve is so worth whatever pain I'm experiencing, worth all of it & then some.

The things Steve used to say began to play in loops through my mind. His "isms" aka Steve-isms. No man has had the exact same effect that Steve or his words had on me, since him. 

I won't sugar coat it.

He could also say some very cutting, mean things like he said to me on more than a few occasions. I'm no angel. I said some mean things to him, too.

Just a couple of passionate people who could give as good as we both got.

Something Steve & I did because we were two broke teenagers, we would spar with each other. One time as he laid on his back on the carpeted floor of the basement in his parents' home on Clintonville Road in Clarkston, Michigan. I laid there, next to him, my head on his chest, drinking in his scent. 

He always smelled so good to me; it was his natural scent.

We would try to out smart-ass each other. Laughing about it the whole time. He would say something, and I would start giggling, then he would tickle me a little to prolong the giggle. It gave me more time to think so I could try to top what he had said. Then, he would try not to smile, try not to laugh. 

He tried. 

And failed.

He would laugh so deep, so long then say, 

"Good one, Burrennndah Baby!"

Good times.

One time in particular, it went like this:

Steve: Anyone who drinks Coke instead of Pepsi is an idiot.

Brenda: And if that someone drinks too much wine or beer, they become even more of an idiot.

Steve: Not if they are listening to La Boheme & it's a good wine.

Brenda: What if the idiot was mixing coke & a good wine while they were at a live opera.

Steve: It would depend on if they were as good looking as you or me.

Brenda: What if it was a good-looking woman in a tuxedo or a good looking guy in a stunning dress, heels & jewels.

Steve: Giving me his classic "You've gotta be shi**ing me, look." He disapproved with: "EWWWWWWWWWWW! People have been murdered for saying something so wrong."

Brenda: Are you going to kill me now?

Steve: Yes! I'm going to tickle you to death then, I'll take your virginity, give you a nice organism & your father & brother will kill me!

Brenda: Then we will die together, in each other's arms.

Steve: Kill-joy!

Then, we would both laugh about it. Just lying there, looking into each other's eyes with the wheels in our brains, turning.

We would hear his mother upstairs telling us we had better have our clothes on when she walked downstairs. We weren't having sex or even making out. Our connection was deeper than that. 

Soul to soul. 

Just having fun, sparring, laughing. Cheap entertainment!

It's my hope to grow ever mindful of my words as I move through time. 

Getting older is optional. 

I have a 6 month old puppy boy to keep me on my toes, feeling like I'm closer to 20 than my actual age. When people ask me my age just out of curiosity, wanting to stereotype me, put me in a box they might believe I belong in.

People ought to be put in a box only after they are dead.

I'm not dead, yet, not even close though, in truth, I wish I were deceased.

If it would mean that I could be with Steve, I would gladly die but only after cleaning my home really well. 

I still feel like he is around me, have even smelled his unique scent a couple times. That's something that has always happened, nothing new. Maybe it's because I recall his scent so vividly, I can actually smell it. Still wonder why he didn't come to me right after his passing. If he actually did.

December 31, 2019.

(I will not think of New Years Eve the same, now)

Several loved ones have visited me after passing.

In my heart I want to believe that he is still alive, that I will get a phone call from him, any day, soon. A dream come true.

My children no longer need me. I taught them to be self-sufficient & now, they are. I never thought I would see the day when I wouldn't even have their mailing addresses. That I wouldn't be at the weddings of half of my children. It was such a heartbreak to not be there. All the time, work, sacrifice, patience with them, all the love & wasn't even allowed to reap at least a little joy in being there when they took such a huge step in life.

The one daughter who consistently shows her love for me in her words & actions is doing very well. She & I speak by phone most Sundays. She loves to give practical gifts.

I think I learned it from her! 

She gifted a Frameo to me, which I really love! It's an 8x10 picture frame that is connected online. She sends pictures to me. I get an alert sound when she sends me photos. 

Love Love Love. 

It was so funny, to me, when an acquaintance asked me who set it up for me, to access the internet, as there are few if any kiddos in my life in this town. Some people cling to the ignorance that people over the age of 40 need a teenager to set their electronics up.

Similar to the ignorance of some people assuming that people over the age of 40 or 50 are not tech savvy unless they work in that profession. 

Yeah, skippy, I actually know how to text, how to write computer programs, how to set up a new cell phone all my byself.  Hacking is illegal so I would never do it, I do know how.

Also know how to do just about everything to do with the internet. Just because I choose to refrain from cluttering my life with so many new gadgets or spend my money on them doesn't mean I don't know how to set them up or use them

It's a choice.

My youngest daughter would be very sad if I died, to stand a chance of being wherever Steve is. She would still be fine without me. My puppy boy would go back to the breeders & he would be just fine, too.

When someone is ill mannered enough to insist on asking my age, I tell them that my age is between 18 & 300, closer to 18.

Then there's something I borrowed from Steve. He would sometimes say that if someone wanted something from him, they would have to pay his price, first 

"If you want to know my age you will have to give me your credit card number, the CVC & your pin number. The privileged information you're asking me for, has a price."

Ante up, Auntie Emm. 

Steve would love this:

As Steve would often say ~

"If you want me to do anything for you, you'll have to pay me!"

Knowing of my strong fear of heights, Steve sent this photo to me. He likes to poke the tiger, too.

When I received the photo, I told him that I could never do that, that I would have a panic attack or a heart attack. 

He responded with, "If there was room for two on that thing, I'd give you a Steve attack, so your heart would be safe. There might be room, it would be a tight squeeze which I'd also like, the ropes might give."

He was at work, hanging off of a high rise building on ropes/scaffolding, cleaning windows.