Spoiler: This is raw

Never would I have ever believed that time would bring to be, that which it is in present day. 

That my children would go off on their own, seemingly forgetting all of my time, work, sacrifice for them. 

The father of my 4 children taught them that I was of little value, unworthy of respect by the way he treated me. Most likely my children don't even realize that their father taught them this, it's so obvious to me as well as a few other people.

That I would have my dream career fall into my lap. It felt so surreal as I began to realize a dream career, coming true.

That I would have more freedom, money, adventures than ever! The 1000 mile+ solo road trips give me such a feeling of freedom.

That I would become so successful, so fulfilled beyond what I had ever thought was possible.

As I drove to Ohio from Texas, then, up to Michigan, I felt so free!

As someone who believes in being mostly a good, kind, compassionate person, I know I'm not an angel. I do keep in my mind to do the right thing as much as possible. Sometimes doing the right thing is to teach other people a lesson when they either treat me badly, causing me deep emotional pain or if they try to. In the past, if a man was playing with a woman's emotions, her male kinfolk would deal with the one who was hurting her so much. In today's world, sometimes they still do, though the penalty they may face is far harsher. The players will keep on playing, not being held accountable for their wrongful actions.

People can be wonderful, kind, exciting, caring, creative, humorous, adventurous.

People can, as well as often are, unkind, selfish, racist, not caring if their actions hurt you. 

At the least, caring very little if their actions hurt you as long as they are getting what they want.

When I was in the dating world, after being deeply wounded by the actions of others, I started to retaliate. It was legal, nonlife - threatening.

When someone hurt me, usually a guy, I started dealing an equivalent of pain to them that they had callously, selfishly, dealt to me.

Did it feel good?

Hell, yes!

Was it right? 

That depends on your personal definition of what is right.

Was it legal?

Absolutely.

Was it painful to the one who had purposely hurt me?

Yeppers!

Did I feel any guilt?

Very little & much later on if at all.

There are phrases that apply to this ~

Karma

Just deserves.

What goes around comes around.

What you deal to others will be dealt to you.

If I had continued, hoping to meet just one decent single guy whom I could have a meaningful connection with, I would most likely still be going through the same stuff. SSDD.

Also, had I refrained from retaliating, the same ones would still flit into my life then ghosting when they got their jollies. 

For the ones that I refrained from, I learned a neural technique which gave me the gift of wiping them from my memories.

When the realization became a mighty presence in my heart & mind, I realized that my time & energy would be best when it was used in other ways besides dating.

Therefore, I stopped.

So, where did the energy I had been putting toward dating go? 

What energy was that?

The energy, time, thought I put into dating was to perfect my hair do from a hair don't. Not just the hair on my head, not just eyebrows & eyelashes. 

If you guessed that it included pits, legs & pubes, BINGO! It was all for me to feel good, feel prepared, put together. I knew it wasn't going to be seen by anyone else, it was purely for me. Guys who would ask me to just go out for a drink or a cup of whatever, instantly got a "no thanks". I could feed myself, so it wasn't about money, or someone else paying my way. It was more about the preparations I would put into getting ready for a date.

Putting the prep time into getting ready ~ for just a drink?

Nope.

I was fine with paying for my own, maybe his, too.

Where did the energy go?

The laws of physics state that when one substance goes out, another will come in to replace it. When water is poured into a glass, it replaces the air that it pushes out. Simple. It's physics.

Peeps, my energy level that I have now, I have always had. It was said to me that I should enjoy my off the charts energy level while I could.

That it would diminish with time. 

Let me check on that aka hold my lemonade! (not beer).

Yupp, ha ha! Still there, still going strong.

The energy I had put toward dating went into traveling, it went into working out, it went into finishing projects I had started so long ago.

Also, I began going to bed earlier, to get more sleep & truthfully practice lucid dreaming. That's a whole different blog topic.

The crux of the situation is, I began living for me. Life became better slowly. I could say it became better instantly, or overnight. That would be exaggeration, almost misleading. 

Life did become better, though. I became much more at peace, much happier. 

The fulfillment of finishing projects was exhilarating! The possibility of even entering a few in a state fair is exciting. 

Becoming more fit with time was also a big benefit. Unfortunately, when faux-vid19 hit, I gained a bit of weight, it's a challenge to take it off. 

Challenge accepted; I'm winning!

For any of you ladies out there, who are struggling with dating. The losers, liars, cheaters, narcissistic creeps, ghosters out there are a waste of your time, your energy. The little pieces of your life that are frittered away will add up.

Live for you.

Take care of you.

Allow yourself to shine.

Allow yourself to adjust to being single & celibate. Stop fighting this adjustment, you will find a peace in your life that you may have imagined was possible. Maybe even felt at some point before. When you (male or female) allow this adjustment, you will no longer need another person to be happy. 

You will become a person who is healthier, happier, stronger in spirit than you have ever been.

I know what I bring to the table, am fine with eating solo.

If someone else is there, fine. If it's me, by myself, fine.

Either way, I'm happy. You will become happy, too.

If you are already happy, it will magnify.