Your fathers wife

What is a father? a daddy? a paternal parent?
What is a mother? a mama? a maternal parent?

Families are wonderful units of togetherness. Heaven when it all works out, when people treat each other with courtesy, respect. 

When there is loving kindness despite differences of opinion, it can be an early heaven on earth. I have seen this in many families.

What about the other side of the spectrum?

One spouse is very unappreciative of the other. There is contention, lies, manipulation, deceit. In place of sitting down like 2 people who vowed to love each other, there is only the hiding of indiscretions, high dollar purchases to hide. Marital break down.

Both husband & wife sometimes wait until the children they created together, are older, to separate. Sometimes, hanging on until betrayals have become too heavy to bear. Until the heart that once loved completely is shattered from the pain of it all.

It has been pointed out to me many times, that, the spouse who inflicted the most pain, dealing it more feeling it less, will move on to another marriage first. Long before the other.

The other?

The one who was lied to, not appreciated, cheated on, accused of doing what the accuser was actually doing in secret, will remain single. Single & free to enjoy being able to live as they wish instead of the way they were forced to live for so long. Free to enjoy the liberation from anxiety, suspicion, misery, that was foisted upon them.

The new "family" that is formed causes a bit of upheaval. The daddy's new wife was never the mother of his children. No matter how much money she spends on HIS children, on HIS grandchildren, no matter how much time or how much desire.

In reality?

She is not the step mother. 

She never mothered the children, she has no tie to his children's children. 

Not a mother in any way, shape or form.

She never grew the babies inside her body nor went through the pain of childbirth. 

She never potty trained the children. She didn't go through the tempestuous teenage years. She didn't teach the children table manners or calm their fears when a bad dream woke them.
Not their mother, not their step mother, not a mother of any sort.

The father's 2nd can lie to herself that she is a step mother. 
The relatives can placate her by giving her the fantasy she wishes so much to believe.
It's all a placating fantasy with sycophant's, everywhere.

A dear friend of mine is facing this dilemma. Having gone through it, I can console her, listen to her cry, listen to her pain, validating her, calming her fears. 
Her indignation at such betrayal is palpable. Her pain is my pain, it cuts me, hurts me, chills me all the way into my bones.

It's pain I bear for her.

I am that sort of friend.

She waited until their six children were grown adults, living on their own, to leave a marriage that had descended into misery. Her husband had treated her very unkindly for many years. Love that she felt for him had been eroded long since when he failed to appreciate her or cherish her as he should have.

His many indiscretions of financial nature, sexual nature, loyalty nature, had shattered her heart to the point of irreparable damage. The love, the passion which had been between them had died.

Some people are simply married, bound together legally. 

Some people are married as well as committed to each other. Sadly, in some marriages, one person is all in, completely committed to the marriage, the family, come what may.

This imbalance is gut wrenching to see, so obvious to the world.

When both people are married AND committed they both make the others happiness their first priority.
Unfortunately for my dear friend, she made his happiness her first priority whilst he, also, made his own happiness his first priority.

Now that the dust has settled on their divorce, he has moved on. Married to a woman who never had children, never wanted children, wanting HIS children to call her "Mom". Wanting his children's children to call her "Grandma."

She never did the work to earn the title.

She is just their fathers wife, she is just their grandfather's wife.

A toad can be called as a prince,(or princess) may delude themselves to even believe they are more than a toad. 

Alas, the toad is still a toad.

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I dedicate this blog entry to my dear friend as well as others who might be having this sad experience.