Simple Girl Complex World: True to Your Heart

Ask yourself, if you woke up one warm sweet morning, found that you had zero prior memory of who you are, who & what would you be?

For my fellow lady hawks out there, who are peaking at night. Ditto except if you had let your creativity carry you all night then slept all day, awakened shortly after moonrise. If you only had knowledge from the moment you awakened, who would you suppose yourself to be?

Feel it or reach into your imagination down deep into your identity, follow it.

Have courage, it can be or become a bit scary.

You have an absence of memory of any hurts, pains or unkindness that may have befallen you. Equally, what your job or career is, escapes you. There are photos of people who you suppose you know in that space you awakened in or have known yet you're drawing as many blanks as to who they are just as the unanswered details of who you are or were.

This is about something else if you think it's Alzheimer's.

Nice try.

As you fish around inside your heart, your mind, feel for what appeals to you.

What would you suppose your passions are?

What do you feel your natural abilities are?

What knowledge do you have whether natural or educated in?

When something comes to you, a tickle in your brain.

Something that is so ASMR it feels to be as much a part of you as your arms, legs, eyes, ears or what you have.

Unless it's something hopefully not illegal, immoral or self-harming, that's you.

Think about it.

I'll wait.

For many people their passion can be something artistic, creative, trendy or some other such that won't immediately pay the water bill.

The act of following a passion is often a long road of starving, suffering, ridicule, pressure from those who lack understanding. Sometimes it can even be disgust, ridicule, backstabbing, ostracization. The term "starving artist" is close to reality.

Albeit late in my life, a new lease came to me. Being truthful, it was a combo of prepped - worked - hoped for. Keeping myself ready to receive, waiting, even starving (limited nutrition or food), dreaming big, I kept going. A still small message played in a loop in my head. It told me to keep going, keep striving, that I would have all that I had lost that I still wanted, that I would receive it plus more.

More spiritual, more healing, more encouraging than anything.

After the new lease on life happened, there was a bit of doubt, a bit of suffering, anxiety, depression, bulimia. The insomnia I thought I had conquered came back with vengeance.

Trauma from the past, which I had pushed down deep began to affect me. It had affected me for a few decades, it was necessary to put it to the side. It could no longer be ignored, had to be dealt with. After a counselor I went to, lied to me, betrayed me, the realization that it was completely up to me to work through it on my own. When even a trained, skilled counselor with a stellar reputation can violate the ethics of their practice it's a clear indication that you're on your own.

One day, I hit rock bottom, unfortunately it wasn't buns of steel.

At the lowest point I had ever been, this message came to me.

From that point onward, it became a mantra. A message so powerful, so beautiful, so comforting. It became my mantra to repeat in my mind when the inevitable challenges arose. Clinging to it was all to be done to keep going.

By doing this, I felt multiple shifts starting at the core of my being.

All of the pains of biting criticisms, the unkind treatment from those who were supposed to love me, began melting away. The pain was replaced with peace, quiet confidence, love filled thoughts.

During this time, it was a wondrous rediscovery of who I was along with stepping into becoming someone new.

It would be a falsehood to say it was easy.

Peeps, it was a ton of work.

Along the way, many people whom I had known before dropped away, frightened by who I was becoming. People who wanted me to stay the same as I was when they met me. It was for their comfort in whom they perceived me to be.

Change was scary enough for me, adding the fear of others was unbearable. Those who truly cared about me were delighted to see the positive changes I was making, stuck by me. Even offered encouragement when it was needed.

In present day, as a continued exploration of this new identity, personal growth is continuing. Forward motion is less scary, more exciting than anything. Discovering, even gravitating toward whatever beneficial element it is that draws me to it. The nature of growth is to (within reason) change with the times or volunteer to be left behind. By staying stuck in prior ways, ideas, practices one truly is volunteering to be left behind.

Some people derive comfort from that, that's also okay.

Being true to my heart causes me to push away a layer of the cocoon to feel the freshness of a butterfly. Until the feeling of a cocoon closing around me begins again, then, pushing through it, life is once more, fresh, new, with more forward movement.